5 ms·

Depression (2014)

76 points by llmblockchain 2y ago

llmblockchain 2y ago
Original site is gone, but I wanted to share the snapshot of it. I went down a rabbit hole after reading the FOIA request that confirmed his death in 2021. The Depression post was one that resonated with me and kept me thinking of the quote from True Detective, "Life's barely long enough to get good at one thing. So be careful what you get good at."
- trogdor 2y ago
  > I went down a rabbit hole after reading the FOIA request that confirmed his death in 2021. Would you provide a bit more background information? Whose website is this? What FOIA request are you referring to? Edit: Someone else asked the same question below, and it was answered.
  - llmblockchain 2y ago
    A couple months ago a FOIA response was finally released regarding the events that happened in June of 2021. There had always been some skepticism around their suicide. A lot of people believed they "killed their online handle" and not themselves (as they have in the past, byuu became near, they retired multiple times, etc). The FOIA confirmed they actually committed suicide. I read the FOIA response because I wanted to know what happened. I had always hoped they killed their handle and moved on to something else, but unfortunately that wasn't what happened.
piloto_ciego 2y ago
Who is this person? I am unfamiliar with this story.
- llmblockchain 2y ago
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer) https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=near https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=near
- genpfault 2y ago
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer)
  - to-too-two 2y ago
    So fucking sad.
- umvi 2y ago
  He wrote probably the most accurate SNES emulator ever and he spent tens of thousands of dollars on SNES carts to rip them and test against his emulator. He later committed suicide I believe.
  - flykespice 2y ago
    They commited suicide after decades of harrassment from KiwiFarms and the Retroarch devs. They even attempted to change their internet alias multiple times to avoid their incessant stalking until settling to their final one (Near).
    - clipsy 2y ago
      They committed suicide; do not elide the fact that the primary reason for their harassment was that they identified as non-binary. Edit: A child post has provided reasonable evidence that I'm mistaken about Near preferring singular-they pronouns; "he" is likely fine. Apologies for the mistake. I will leave the original body of the post as I still think it's worthwhile to remember why Near was targeted for such harassment.
      - llmblockchain 2y ago
        As far as I'm aware, he went by he/him/they/them and accepted all of them.
        clipsy 2y ago
        That's not my understanding, but I'm happy to admit a mistake and amend my post if you have a source.
        llmblockchain 2y ago
        From someone close with Near/Byuu: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27665789 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27665789 I also believe marcan (another friend of Near's) commented something similar, but I can't seem to find it (I think it was on Twitter). Near's spouse referred to Near via "he/him/his" in all of the police/consulate correspondence in the FOIA, so it seemed alright to me.
stepupmakeup 2y ago
that's pretty much the universal Japanese learning experience (except for people who know Chinese)
talkingtab 2y ago
Without knowing much about this person, just reading the post, I find this incredibly sad. It just seems completely wrong way. Who cares if you excel at something? What about things you love? I love some things that I am terrible at. And I am good at some things because I love them. And as for our brains, OMG! There are things we people can do that are so amazing. Just astounding. If you can speak any language, even if not Japanese, you learned it. And not from a book. You just 'got' it. It is just a tragedy, because there is so much.
- LogHouse 2y ago
  I read this as somebody who dwells on lost time and wasted opportunities. For me, it’s resulted in a lot of self hate and depression that I struggle with daily. I will never be able to explain the feeling as well as Sylvia Plath: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7511-i-saw-my-life-branching-out-before-me-like-the https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7511-i-saw-my-life-branchin...
  - theturtle32 2y ago
    Whoa what an incredible quote!
    - hprotagonist 2y ago
      "Alas," said the mouse, "the world gets smaller every day. At first it was so wide that I ran along and was happy to see walls appearing to my right and left, but these high walls converged so quickly that I’m already in the last room, and there in the corner is the trap into which I must run." "But you’ve only got to run the other way," said the cat, and ate it. -- Kafka, “A Little Fable”
  - talkingtab 2y ago
    I am sorry for your situation and wish I could help. I don't understand, I just know that my sense of my self and my life is very different. I am approaching my 80's so I am increasingly aware that the end of the road is approaching. I may be totally wrong about this, but I hope that on my death bed I get a chance to reflect on this: of all the persons that were possible for me to become, I like this one very well. I have not excelled. I have not even been successful in most senses. But in just becoming a full person, I did pretty well. As I said, I cannot put myself in your circumstances, but here is one important moment for me. I started painting and found that the very hard part of painting is not to think. If I think "oh this would be a good painting" then it is not. If instead I let go of thinking and just do, it goes well. I am not a good painter, I don't excel at it, but some of the things I have painted hold something for me. Thinking is the life killer. We need it, we can use it and be good at it, but it is not the master. The master is attachment, love, fondness, joy, being. That probably does not help, but I hope it does.
paulcole 2y ago
> Everything else I try and excel at goes absolutely nowhere. I heard a story from an old runner who said, “Once I was running along the side of the road and somebody in a passing car leaned out and asked, ‘What are you training for?’ As they zoomed by, I yelled back, ‘THIS!’” My point is that the trying is the getting somewhere.
moribvndvs 2y ago
As someone who has struggled with depression, low self worth, and felt the nauseating discomfort of when the limits of my natural abilities make violent contact with my (often unrealistic) expectations, this hits uncomfortably close to home. Hell, I’ve even been obsessively trying to learn Japanese this year. I’m sorry to learn through the submitter’s comment about the author’s demise. I hope they felt some level of success eventually, or learned to accept things for what they are. Drive and passion are extremely valuable things, but they can be very difficult to distinguish from obsession and self destructive behavior. I guess one way to try to keep yourself from flying off the rails is to manage your own expectations. What do I expect from mastering something? Am I doing to try to show off or prove something to someone? What difference does it make if it takes me 1 year or 20? What’s the risk if I fail? Am I enjoying the process? Am I seeing progress? Do I need to make more commitments to get to the next level? How effective has beating myself up, skipping out on my responsibilities, friends, family, and other pleasurable hobbies been in my journey? Am I more or less happy in my pursuit? I dream of being conversationally fluent in Japanese. I’d love to be able to watch films and anime with minimal help from subtitles. I’d love to be able to read it (although I’m a little scared of kanji). Through the language, I’d like to understand the culture and the history better, to feel the joy of learning something challenging. Piling on myself for being a stupid piece of shit because I can’t remember words or comprehend a sentence a native speaking toddler can understand is not only inappropriate and unreasonable, it’s also one of the biggest obstacles to achieving my goals. As I keep that in mind, I find that I’m able to thoroughly enjoy the process. Although I totally get the author’s desperation to find someone patient enough to spend time talking with and teaching me.
- __loam 2y ago
  https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/15l9a6o/bro_did_you_just_judge_yourself/ https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/15l9a6o/bro...
- wk_end 2y ago
  If it’s any consolation: Near did eventually move to Japan and become, as I understand it, reasonably fluent in the language.
tylerc230 2y ago
Something I read recently that really hit home is: ”set a direction, not a goal and train yourself to embrace failure as a learning opportunity”. When you set a goal you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you don’t reach the goal. If you set a direction you’re still improving but you’re freed up to enjoy the process not the result.
anal_reactor 2y ago
Modern society isn't what humans evolved to thrive in
- em-bee 2y ago
  so which society is one where humans thrived? looking back i do not see any period where humanity as a whole and each individual were better off and thriving more than today. sure, there were always some individuals who did well, but the majority was toiling away trying to bring food on the table. to me, the whole point is developing society to improve. learning how to cooperate to achieve greater things than any individual or small group could. modern society is not the pinnacle but a mere stepping stone to build an even better society in the future. stories like this one are a reminder that we still have work to do. we need to learn how to be supportive of each other but also teach and guide people to develop sensible goals and ways to achieve them. we also need to learn how to ask for help. without knowing any more about this person, merely speculating just based on the newest post, it looks like this person did not have access to any of that.

Depression (2014)

76 points by llmblockchain 2y ago

Original site is gone, but I wanted to share the snapshot of it. I went down a rabbit hole after reading the FOIA request that confirmed his death in 2021. The Depression post was one that resonated with me and kept me thinking of the quote from True Detective, "Life's barely long enough to get good at one thing. So be careful what you get good at."

trogdor 2y ago
> I went down a rabbit hole after reading the FOIA request that confirmed his death in 2021. Would you provide a bit more background information? Whose website is this? What FOIA request are you referring to? Edit: Someone else asked the same question below, and it was answered.
- llmblockchain 2y ago
  A couple months ago a FOIA response was finally released regarding the events that happened in June of 2021. There had always been some skepticism around their suicide. A lot of people believed they "killed their online handle" and not themselves (as they have in the past, byuu became near, they retired multiple times, etc). The FOIA confirmed they actually committed suicide. I read the FOIA response because I wanted to know what happened. I had always hoped they killed their handle and moved on to something else, but unfortunately that wasn't what happened.

piloto_ciego 2y ago

Who is this person? I am unfamiliar with this story.

llmblockchain 2y ago
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer) https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=near https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=near
genpfault 2y ago
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near_(programmer)
- to-too-two 2y ago
  So fucking sad.
umvi 2y ago
He wrote probably the most accurate SNES emulator ever and he spent tens of thousands of dollars on SNES carts to rip them and test against his emulator. He later committed suicide I believe.
- flykespice 2y ago
  They commited suicide after decades of harrassment from KiwiFarms and the Retroarch devs. They even attempted to change their internet alias multiple times to avoid their incessant stalking until settling to their final one (Near).
  - clipsy 2y ago
    They committed suicide; do not elide the fact that the primary reason for their harassment was that they identified as non-binary. Edit: A child post has provided reasonable evidence that I'm mistaken about Near preferring singular-they pronouns; "he" is likely fine. Apologies for the mistake. I will leave the original body of the post as I still think it's worthwhile to remember why Near was targeted for such harassment.
    - llmblockchain 2y ago
      As far as I'm aware, he went by he/him/they/them and accepted all of them.
      - clipsy 2y ago
        That's not my understanding, but I'm happy to admit a mistake and amend my post if you have a source.
        llmblockchain 2y ago
        From someone close with Near/Byuu: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27665789 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27665789 I also believe marcan (another friend of Near's) commented something similar, but I can't seem to find it (I think it was on Twitter). Near's spouse referred to Near via "he/him/his" in all of the police/consulate correspondence in the FOIA, so it seemed alright to me.

stepupmakeup 2y ago

that's pretty much the universal Japanese learning experience (except for people who know Chinese)

talkingtab 2y ago

Without knowing much about this person, just reading the post, I find this incredibly sad. It just seems completely wrong way. Who cares if you excel at something? What about things you love? I love some things that I am terrible at. And I am good at some things because I love them. And as for our brains, OMG! There are things we people can do that are so amazing. Just astounding. If you can speak any language, even if not Japanese, you learned it. And not from a book. You just 'got' it. It is just a tragedy, because there is so much.

LogHouse 2y ago
I read this as somebody who dwells on lost time and wasted opportunities. For me, it’s resulted in a lot of self hate and depression that I struggle with daily. I will never be able to explain the feeling as well as Sylvia Plath: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7511-i-saw-my-life-branching-out-before-me-like-the https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7511-i-saw-my-life-branchin...
- theturtle32 2y ago
  Whoa what an incredible quote!
  - hprotagonist 2y ago
    "Alas," said the mouse, "the world gets smaller every day. At first it was so wide that I ran along and was happy to see walls appearing to my right and left, but these high walls converged so quickly that I’m already in the last room, and there in the corner is the trap into which I must run." "But you’ve only got to run the other way," said the cat, and ate it. -- Kafka, “A Little Fable”
- talkingtab 2y ago
  I am sorry for your situation and wish I could help. I don't understand, I just know that my sense of my self and my life is very different. I am approaching my 80's so I am increasingly aware that the end of the road is approaching. I may be totally wrong about this, but I hope that on my death bed I get a chance to reflect on this: of all the persons that were possible for me to become, I like this one very well. I have not excelled. I have not even been successful in most senses. But in just becoming a full person, I did pretty well. As I said, I cannot put myself in your circumstances, but here is one important moment for me. I started painting and found that the very hard part of painting is not to think. If I think "oh this would be a good painting" then it is not. If instead I let go of thinking and just do, it goes well. I am not a good painter, I don't excel at it, but some of the things I have painted hold something for me. Thinking is the life killer. We need it, we can use it and be good at it, but it is not the master. The master is attachment, love, fondness, joy, being. That probably does not help, but I hope it does.

paulcole 2y ago

> Everything else I try and excel at goes absolutely nowhere. I heard a story from an old runner who said, “Once I was running along the side of the road and somebody in a passing car leaned out and asked, ‘What are you training for?’ As they zoomed by, I yelled back, ‘THIS!’” My point is that the trying is the getting somewhere.

moribvndvs 2y ago

As someone who has struggled with depression, low self worth, and felt the nauseating discomfort of when the limits of my natural abilities make violent contact with my (often unrealistic) expectations, this hits uncomfortably close to home. Hell, I’ve even been obsessively trying to learn Japanese this year. I’m sorry to learn through the submitter’s comment about the author’s demise. I hope they felt some level of success eventually, or learned to accept things for what they are. Drive and passion are extremely valuable things, but they can be very difficult to distinguish from obsession and self destructive behavior. I guess one way to try to keep yourself from flying off the rails is to manage your own expectations. What do I expect from mastering something? Am I doing to try to show off or prove something to someone? What difference does it make if it takes me 1 year or 20? What’s the risk if I fail? Am I enjoying the process? Am I seeing progress? Do I need to make more commitments to get to the next level? How effective has beating myself up, skipping out on my responsibilities, friends, family, and other pleasurable hobbies been in my journey? Am I more or less happy in my pursuit? I dream of being conversationally fluent in Japanese. I’d love to be able to watch films and anime with minimal help from subtitles. I’d love to be able to read it (although I’m a little scared of kanji). Through the language, I’d like to understand the culture and the history better, to feel the joy of learning something challenging. Piling on myself for being a stupid piece of shit because I can’t remember words or comprehend a sentence a native speaking toddler can understand is not only inappropriate and unreasonable, it’s also one of the biggest obstacles to achieving my goals. As I keep that in mind, I find that I’m able to thoroughly enjoy the process. Although I totally get the author’s desperation to find someone patient enough to spend time talking with and teaching me.

__loam 2y ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/15l9a6o/bro_did_you_just_judge_yourself/ https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/15l9a6o/bro...
wk_end 2y ago
If it’s any consolation: Near did eventually move to Japan and become, as I understand it, reasonably fluent in the language.

tylerc230 2y ago

Something I read recently that really hit home is: ”set a direction, not a goal and train yourself to embrace failure as a learning opportunity”. When you set a goal you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you don’t reach the goal. If you set a direction you’re still improving but you’re freed up to enjoy the process not the result.

anal_reactor 2y ago

Modern society isn't what humans evolved to thrive in

em-bee 2y ago
so which society is one where humans thrived? looking back i do not see any period where humanity as a whole and each individual were better off and thriving more than today. sure, there were always some individuals who did well, but the majority was toiling away trying to bring food on the table. to me, the whole point is developing society to improve. learning how to cooperate to achieve greater things than any individual or small group could. modern society is not the pinnacle but a mere stepping stone to build an even better society in the future. stories like this one are a reminder that we still have work to do. we need to learn how to be supportive of each other but also teach and guide people to develop sensible goals and ways to achieve them. we also need to learn how to ask for help. without knowing any more about this person, merely speculating just based on the newest post, it looks like this person did not have access to any of that.