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There's a really confusing gap between grief, or what I thought grief should look like, when losing someone close and the indifference or mere sympathy that com
by forgotusername6 3y ago
There's a really confusing gap between grief, or what I thought grief should look like, when losing someone close and the indifference or mere sympathy that comes with hearing about the loss of someone you don't know. A number of years ago I found out that someone I knew from university had died. He was young, and the whole thing was just so genuinely confusing that I didn't know how to feel about it. I'm in a similar position right now, learning about an old friend's terminal illness via their gofundme page. Do I reach out? Should I even be sad? All I seem to feel in this kind of situation is a derailing bewilderment.
- klodolph 3y agoYou’re not alone. I think it’s really common to question yourself and ask, “Is this how I should be feeling? How I’m supposed to be feeling? How I’m supposed to be acting?”
- jraph 3y agowrt feeling, fully agree, I think it happens to most of us, if not all. But I believe you don't really have a say in the matter. I'm not sure you should be supposed to feel one way or another. You can only accept your feelings as is and others should accept how you feel too. I think especially when someone close die, it is well known each of us has their own personal / specific way of reacting. (of course you can prepare yourself to face expected situations to some extent; also of course, if you don't feel well you should seek help, especially if it lasts)
- dgfitz 3y agoI’ve come to the conclusion that what you feel is what you feel. There is no right or wrong.
- genewitch 3y agookay, fine. what about introspection? What about what is considered mentally healthy or not? what about how it affects others around you? If you have past experiences or trauma or other orangic or inorganic neurological or mental issues having a "flat affect" can be "wrong". If what you're feeling isn't helping you, how would you know that there's another way unless you get help? This sounds defeatist and if you peek just a little behind the curtain this can lead to all kinds of "bad". IMO. Just imagine the worst thing you can that someone could think, and then they say "it's okay, it's just how i feel, it's not right or wrong." I get that we shouldn't gatekeep or police thought, but obviously this isn't some "universal truth"...
- rickmode 3y agoI’d say it’s like the mental health distinction of a trait versus a disorder: if this is negatively impacting your day to day life, consider therapy / counseling. (As an aside, I think of counseling as “optimizing my life”. Perhaps that framing may help those that find the idea off-putting.)
- Aeolun 3y agoJust because you don’t feel particularly sad that someone died doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole about it?
- dgfitz 3y agoA feeling is only a feeling. How you react to that feeling is the important part. Until then, you and only you own those feelings.
- eleveriven 3y agoAgree! Our reactions to our emotions can impact not only ourselves but also those around us.
- lwhi 3y agoSomeone I met moving into a new co-working space died last week at work. He was working the night shift at the front desk. We'd exchanged hellos and goodbyes a few times, and got to the stage where we recognised each other and would refine our greeting slightly at each repetition. I figured we'd ended up chatting more and would get to know each other. But then he had a heart attack. I feel grief, in the sense that I no longer inhabit the universe where we got to know each other. There's a loss involved. But I didn't actually know him. I'm also more aware of the grief I'll feel in the future and I'm reminded how death can literally come at any moment. It does feel like a strange liminal state, though.