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I went through a yearlong coaching program and one of the modules was learning how to listen. Imagine a friend tells you about a situation where their dad is s
by mvkel 3y ago
I went through a yearlong coaching program and one of the modules was learning how to listen.
Imagine a friend tells you about a situation where their dad is starting to show signs of dementia and the strain it's putting on them as a caretaker.
Level 1 listening (you're focused on yourself):
- "Oh my dad had dementia, too. It's awful."
Level 2 listening (you're focused on them, but parroting):
- "caring for a parent with dementia must be a huge burden; I can hear the toll it's taking in your voice"
Level 3 listening (a focus on what's not being said):
- "when you were telling me about your dad's dementia noticed that you smiled a little bit when you said 'strain'. What was that?"
Listening is a muscle that needs to be trained.
Part of it was learning what it feels like to be -listened to-, too. Feeling heard is 80% of the way to a deep connection with another person. It's amazing how safe and trusting someone can seem if they simply, truly, hear you.
- squigz 3y agoI'd be a little freaked out if someone responded with that "level 3" response...
- zarathustreal 3y agoReplying in exactly that way, as if you’re a sentient observation bot, is probably not a good idea but the approach itself is solid. It’s mostly about context
- poulpy123 3y agoyeah, and the level 1 is actually good too. I understand what it is meant but the example is terrible
- creesch 3y agoI do agree. I am familiar with three levels of listening, but in a slightly different way where the three levels are more about where your focus is as a listener. Roughly it comes down to: 1. Listening but focussed on yourself, interjecting with own experiences and sometimes in the process take over the conversation with your own experiences. 2. Focussed listening but on a factual level. Asking clarifications about events, etc. 3. Focussed not only on what is being told, but the emotions behind it. Asking about how certain things impacted the person sharing something with you. I am hugely oversimplifying here, of course. But for point 1 it doesn't mean that you can't briefly let someone know you have a shared experience. It does mean that you shouldn't make your experience take over and then dominate the conversation.
- roland35 3y agoLevel 1, normal human Level 2, nice human Level 3, therapist
- CipherThrowaway 3y agoPersonally, I find 2 and 3 to be creepy and robotic. 3 also feels intrusive. The conscious analysis of tone and body language is obviously important for many people to get by socially, especially for neurodiverse people or people outside the norm of the situation. However, I think it is important to avoid remarking directly on body language. You can still let these non-verbal observations guide a conversation, of course. Rather than remarking on someone's smile when they mention a subject, you might ask them to elaborate on the subject. Unless they've asked to be psychoanalyzed, most people do not like the feeling of being analyzed.
- sooheon 3y agoLevel 4 is noticing the same things as 3 but not calling attention to it so conspicuously and presumptuously.
- mvkel 3y agoThat would still be listening level 1. If you're asking questions and worried about how it makes you look, that's focusing on yourself. My examples don't come across good via text; I would edit more fleshed out ones if I could. But in any context, if you're focused on yourself, you're not listening.
- CadmiumYellow 3y agoUhhhh no it's focusing on the fact that responding to someone in the way you describe as level 3 makes people uncomfortable. You want to put the other person at ease so you consciously avoid revealing the ways in which you've analyzed their behavior. Nobody wants to feel like they're being observed so intensely by the person they're talking to.
- mvkel 3y agoWithout their permission, absolutely. This is in the context of coaching in which there is an agreement that yes, you may be observed pretty intensely. It does feel vulnerable, and it's up to the coach to make the person feel safe.
- EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK 3y agoLevel 4: here is a check so you could hire someone to help you look after your dad.
- mvkel 3y agoThat's level 1, making it about yourself :)