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My father was cremated last year. He had no friends at the time of his death. The undertakers had extra staff on hand to watch the service and fill the empty ch

My father was cremated last year. He had no friends at the time of his death. The undertakers had extra staff on hand to watch the service and fill the empty chairs. Professional mourners are still active in the west, at least in the north of Ireland.

lupire 3y ago
I'm sorry for your loss. How many staff vs other attendees? I don't see the value of that scenario. Who is saving face?
- euroderf 3y ago
  Maybe it's just the Christian thing to do.
- AlecSchueler 3y ago
  There were about 6 staff and about the same number of attendees including myself, that was his brothers, sisters and son. His brother organised the funeral and accepted this offer from the undertakers. His brother is a practicing Christian. I had the impression that the numbers were mostly inflated to save the minister from the shame of giving a memorial service to someone so few people wanted to remember.
- michaelt 3y ago
  Presumably it's for the benefit of the survivors. Going to your dad's or your husband's funeral would already be pretty depressing. For it to be a poorly attended funeral would make it even moreso, for some folks. Especially if you're big on the idea of the deceased living on in the memory of all the people whose lives they touched. Or if the deceased actually had a great many friends, but lived to an old enough age their friends predeceased them. Plus, if you're going for the type of funeral with lots of hymns and singing and prayers and suchlike, a few more voices can help things along. And while you might strongly suspect the surviving relatives are all indifferent to the funeral being poorly attended, it's not like you get a do-over if it turns out on the day they're less stoic than you imagined.
  - dylan604 3y ago
    I seriously doubt the family of the type of person that would have nobody attend their funeral would be surprised by that fact, and would probably be wondering why they showed up at all themselves.
    - mynameisvlad 3y ago
      This is such a callous statement. Maybe all their friends already died. Maybe they just were never social outside of their family. Whatever the reason, nobody should have to go into a relative’s (or, really, anyone else’s) funeral and see it empty. That’s going to do nothing but twist the dagger of the death more.
      - dylan604 3y ago
        And how would you feel if you were to find out that the funeral director tried to gamify the funeral by having seat fillers? That's even more insulting that someone tried to pull one over, and feeds directly into the stereotype that funerals try to gouge the families.
        mynameisvlad 3y ago
        I would certainly be happier than seeing absolutely nobody on top of grieving for a loss. As someone that has had to grieve alone, I don’t think you understand the comfort that comes from having somebody there. Also, this is most assuredly a service they'd be providing. Nobody is going to be "gouged". Nothing is being "gamified". Nobody is "pulling one over". Those are all based on an assumption that this isn't part of a planned process, which literally every part of a funeral is.
        AlecSchueler 3y ago
        Yes, it's very true in my experience with undertakers that they are very respectful even in business matters. They ask you if you would like something but there's never a sense of pressure, and they're very accommodating to alternatives. I've also found them to be very professional and efficient in operation in a way that is itself a comfort in difficult times. But I wanted to say that you're quite right that it's very helpful to have someone to hear. The people who live on with memories of the departed need to have their stories heard.
sokoloff 3y ago
I had a bit of the opposite experience when an ex-colleague passed end of last year. About 25 of us from one company he worked at showed up to the wake and it was slightly awkward to tell the family and friends who we were and what connection we had (he hadn’t worked there for about 9 years and I was the only person who still worked at the company, but we all turned out because we genuinely cared about him). But talking to his wife and family in the receiving line was super-awkward. I hope they found it at least epsilon comforting.
- monknomo 3y ago
  I had a similar experience when a co-worker passed. It was awkward, but I do hope the family felt something positive from seeing that a part of their loved one's life they don't normally see also cared for him.
- OJFord 3y ago
  Why was it awkward? Because there were few enough family & others that it was dominated by former colleagues from one seemingly random employer?
  - sokoloff 3y ago
    No; in a 2 hour wake, there were probably 150 or more people in total. The awkwardness was mostly having to explain "yeah, you've never met me and he hasn't worked with us for almost a decade, but hey, here we are..."
    - vimax 3y ago
      Not awkward at all. I'm sure the family was touched that you still thought about him after all those years.
    - theflyingelvis 3y ago
      My 27 y/o nephew passed away last year. He worked at a mid sized tech firm and many of the folks from the firm showed up at the funeral. His parents really appreciated the folks showing up. So, yeah, not awkward at all.
bombcar 3y ago
This also happens just in general; the staff of the funeral home often attends the service just because they'd have nothing else to do and need to assist with transfer to the hearse, grave, etc. It's only really noticed when it's a small service. In the USA if you're a veteran or veteran associated the local VFW will send out a color guard to attend.
throw0101c 3y ago
> My father was cremated last year. He had no friends at the time of his death. Something that often happens with men: they tend to (on average) not be as big social butterflies as women, and so any past friends they had fade into the background/disappear. It takes time/effort to keep relationships going. "Why most men don't have enough close friends" * https://www.ctvnews.ca/lifestyle/why-most-men-don-t-have-enough-close-friends-1.6172801 https://www.ctvnews.ca/lifestyle/why-most-men-don-t-have-eno... "Men have fewer friends than ever, and it’s harming their health" * https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/23323556/men-friendship-loneliness-isolation-masculinity https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/23323556/men-friendship-lo... "Men’s Social Circles are Shrinking" * https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/ https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles... "Men struggle to keep friends — and it’s hurting their mental health" * https://globalnews.ca/news/6112225/male-friendship-mental-health/ https://globalnews.ca/news/6112225/male-friendship-mental-he... "More than 1 in 7 men have no close friends. The way we socialize boys is to blame": * https://www.latimes.com/lifestyle/newsletter/2023-10-10/more-than-1-in-7-men-have-no-close-friends-the-way-we-socialize-boys-is-to-blame-group-therapy https://www.latimes.com/lifestyle/newsletter/2023-10-10/more... Also, with people having fewer children (if any), support structures toward the end of life are getting smaller and smaller.
- ThrowawayR2 3y ago
  Macabre though it may be, I've often thought about submitting a YC proposal for a startup that provides professional executor services for those who are facing death alone. Demand is only going to increase as time goes by and, as many internet articles show, it can be difficult to find an executor that one trusts if they have a small social circle.
  - bennettnate5 3y ago
    Just to clarify for everyone (because I totally misread this the first time): Executor - A person officially appointed to carry out your will after you have passed Executioner - A person officially appointed to carry out your passing

lupire 3y ago

I'm sorry for your loss. How many staff vs other attendees? I don't see the value of that scenario. Who is saving face?

euroderf 3y ago
Maybe it's just the Christian thing to do.
AlecSchueler 3y ago
There were about 6 staff and about the same number of attendees including myself, that was his brothers, sisters and son. His brother organised the funeral and accepted this offer from the undertakers. His brother is a practicing Christian. I had the impression that the numbers were mostly inflated to save the minister from the shame of giving a memorial service to someone so few people wanted to remember.
michaelt 3y ago
Presumably it's for the benefit of the survivors. Going to your dad's or your husband's funeral would already be pretty depressing. For it to be a poorly attended funeral would make it even moreso, for some folks. Especially if you're big on the idea of the deceased living on in the memory of all the people whose lives they touched. Or if the deceased actually had a great many friends, but lived to an old enough age their friends predeceased them. Plus, if you're going for the type of funeral with lots of hymns and singing and prayers and suchlike, a few more voices can help things along. And while you might strongly suspect the surviving relatives are all indifferent to the funeral being poorly attended, it's not like you get a do-over if it turns out on the day they're less stoic than you imagined.
- dylan604 3y ago
  I seriously doubt the family of the type of person that would have nobody attend their funeral would be surprised by that fact, and would probably be wondering why they showed up at all themselves.
  - mynameisvlad 3y ago
    This is such a callous statement. Maybe all their friends already died. Maybe they just were never social outside of their family. Whatever the reason, nobody should have to go into a relative’s (or, really, anyone else’s) funeral and see it empty. That’s going to do nothing but twist the dagger of the death more.
    - dylan604 3y ago
      And how would you feel if you were to find out that the funeral director tried to gamify the funeral by having seat fillers? That's even more insulting that someone tried to pull one over, and feeds directly into the stereotype that funerals try to gouge the families.
      - mynameisvlad 3y ago
        I would certainly be happier than seeing absolutely nobody on top of grieving for a loss. As someone that has had to grieve alone, I don’t think you understand the comfort that comes from having somebody there. Also, this is most assuredly a service they'd be providing. Nobody is going to be "gouged". Nothing is being "gamified". Nobody is "pulling one over". Those are all based on an assumption that this isn't part of a planned process, which literally every part of a funeral is.
        AlecSchueler 3y ago
        Yes, it's very true in my experience with undertakers that they are very respectful even in business matters. They ask you if you would like something but there's never a sense of pressure, and they're very accommodating to alternatives. I've also found them to be very professional and efficient in operation in a way that is itself a comfort in difficult times. But I wanted to say that you're quite right that it's very helpful to have someone to hear. The people who live on with memories of the departed need to have their stories heard.

sokoloff 3y ago

I had a bit of the opposite experience when an ex-colleague passed end of last year. About 25 of us from one company he worked at showed up to the wake and it was slightly awkward to tell the family and friends who we were and what connection we had (he hadn’t worked there for about 9 years and I was the only person who still worked at the company, but we all turned out because we genuinely cared about him). But talking to his wife and family in the receiving line was super-awkward. I hope they found it at least epsilon comforting.

monknomo 3y ago
I had a similar experience when a co-worker passed. It was awkward, but I do hope the family felt something positive from seeing that a part of their loved one's life they don't normally see also cared for him.
OJFord 3y ago
Why was it awkward? Because there were few enough family & others that it was dominated by former colleagues from one seemingly random employer?
- sokoloff 3y ago
  No; in a 2 hour wake, there were probably 150 or more people in total. The awkwardness was mostly having to explain "yeah, you've never met me and he hasn't worked with us for almost a decade, but hey, here we are..."
  - vimax 3y ago
    Not awkward at all. I'm sure the family was touched that you still thought about him after all those years.
  - theflyingelvis 3y ago
    My 27 y/o nephew passed away last year. He worked at a mid sized tech firm and many of the folks from the firm showed up at the funeral. His parents really appreciated the folks showing up. So, yeah, not awkward at all.

bombcar 3y ago

This also happens just in general; the staff of the funeral home often attends the service just because they'd have nothing else to do and need to assist with transfer to the hearse, grave, etc. It's only really noticed when it's a small service. In the USA if you're a veteran or veteran associated the local VFW will send out a color guard to attend.

throw0101c 3y ago

> My father was cremated last year. He had no friends at the time of his death. Something that often happens with men: they tend to (on average) not be as big social butterflies as women, and so any past friends they had fade into the background/disappear. It takes time/effort to keep relationships going. "Why most men don't have enough close friends" * https://www.ctvnews.ca/lifestyle/why-most-men-don-t-have-enough-close-friends-1.6172801 https://www.ctvnews.ca/lifestyle/why-most-men-don-t-have-eno... "Men have fewer friends than ever, and it’s harming their health" * https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/23323556/men-friendship-loneliness-isolation-masculinity https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/23323556/men-friendship-lo... "Men’s Social Circles are Shrinking" * https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/ https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles... "Men struggle to keep friends — and it’s hurting their mental health" * https://globalnews.ca/news/6112225/male-friendship-mental-health/ https://globalnews.ca/news/6112225/male-friendship-mental-he... "More than 1 in 7 men have no close friends. The way we socialize boys is to blame": * https://www.latimes.com/lifestyle/newsletter/2023-10-10/more-than-1-in-7-men-have-no-close-friends-the-way-we-socialize-boys-is-to-blame-group-therapy https://www.latimes.com/lifestyle/newsletter/2023-10-10/more... Also, with people having fewer children (if any), support structures toward the end of life are getting smaller and smaller.

ThrowawayR2 3y ago
Macabre though it may be, I've often thought about submitting a YC proposal for a startup that provides professional executor services for those who are facing death alone. Demand is only going to increase as time goes by and, as many internet articles show, it can be difficult to find an executor that one trusts if they have a small social circle.
- bennettnate5 3y ago
  Just to clarify for everyone (because I totally misread this the first time): Executor - A person officially appointed to carry out your will after you have passed Executioner - A person officially appointed to carry out your passing