6 ms·

As far as I understand, the fastest way to correct a work relationship going sour, without having to go through an emotional rollercoaster, is to find a connect

• unsupp0rted 3y ago
  I’ve never found the connection angle useful, as the recipient of the attempt. It feels... if not patronizing, then at least irrelevant. Oh Star Trek played a vital role in both our formative years? That’s nice, but let’s get back to solving the matter at hand.
  • DonHopkins 3y ago
    Even a shared love of Star Trek can result in irreconcilable differences and huge battles. I'd never want to work with somebody who likes Holodeck episodes or doesn't love Gowron. That said, there are some times that even Star Trek fans and Star Wars fans can actually get along. I'm bistellar: I love both Star Trek AND Star Wars!
    • naasking 3y ago
      > I'd never want to work with somebody who likes Holodeck episodes or doesn't love Gowron. I like holodeck episodes, as long as they're not overdone. I have no strong feelings about Gowron, seems like a canonical distillation of a Klingon. Maybe we won't get along. > I'm bistellar: I love both Star Trek AND Star Wars! Me too! Can we get along now?
      • DonHopkins 3y ago
        Of course, as long as I can shower you with all my favorite Gowron themed Star Trek Shitposting memes! Look into his eyes. You'll grow to love him the way I do, and thank me later, I promise.
    • Der_Einzige 3y ago
      One of the best ds9 episodes (and thus best Star Trek episodes) is the holodeck episode where the crew are James Bond villains. Bashir and Garek are the ones who have to escape. If you disagree with this I hope you get pipd /s
      • unsupp0rted 3y ago
        I found that DS9 ep pretty boring. Whenever Avery Brooks is given an opportunity to chew the scenery it breaks the 4th wall for me. The main value of the episode is Andrew Robinson as Garak (as it always is), commenting on the absurdity of the fictional spy stuff. In The Pale Moonlight is the maximum scenery-chewing by Avery Brooks I can take.
      • Arrath 3y ago
        I'm partial to "Chief O'Brien Suffers: Vol XXXVII: This time He's in Mind Prison", pretty twisted episode. (AKA "Hard Time", S4E19)
    • outworlder 3y ago
      Panstellar here: Stargate
      • DonHopkins 3y ago
        And if you liked to hate Robert Carlyle as Doctor Nicholas Rush in Stargate Universe, you'll love to hate him as Rumplestiltskin / Mr. Gold / Weaver in Once Upon a Time! ...Did you know Battlestar Galactica was based on the Book of Mormon? I also love Dark Star! But it is time for Sgt. Pinback to feed the alien. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESQK98HbKBY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESQK98HbKBY Some people hustle pool. Some people hustle cars. But have you ever heard about the man who hustles stars? Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkJheh1XcAQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkJheh1XcAQ Due to unfortunate confusions by the cosmos and misunderstandings by the search engines at the outset of the internet era, he had to make a trans-steller switch to Star Gazer! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhoNffiu3Q0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhoNffiu3Q0
    • Spoom 3y ago
      Holodeck episodes, sure, sure. But Dixon Hill...?
  • jon-wood 3y ago
    This has just brought back vivid memories of the person I used to work with where the one thing we had in common was actually a love of Star Trek. I still have no idea how he loves it so much given he apparently learned absolutely nothing from it, seemingly every belief and behaviour he held was something that would have Picard facepalming.
    • unsupp0rted 3y ago
      Yeah it's weird- so many commenters in /r/StarTrekMemes also seem to have taken no lessons (or the wrong lessons) from TNG, and at the same time accuse me of having done the same. People and worldviews are totally inconsistent, even when two people watched the exact same thing religiously and can quote it back to you in context.
      • op00to 3y ago
        I took all my lessons from DS9. Specifically Ferenghi rules of acquisition.
      • stcroixx 3y ago
        The entertainment industry is famous for it's lack of morals - why even consider taking any lesson from something they've produced? Role models, if needed, can be found somewhere else. I love star trek, have seen it all, etc. but it's purely entertainment for me.
        • unsupp0rted 3y ago
          Star Trek TNG is one morality play after another. It's pretty useful morality, too. That it was made by immoral or amoral people is secondary to that usefulness.
  • jddj 3y ago
    I agree that it feels trite and fake. The way to get things done with difficult people is: 1. Work out (for yourself) what you really want* 2. Work out (for yourself) what they really want* 3. Accept that they want that 4. Work maturely and fairly within that context. No cookie cutter management fluff is going to get you anywhere useful with intelligent people. * Usually people want their situation to either be more rewarding (read: recognition or control) or less taxing. Edit: Acknowledging this here, because it does apply to this comment: 5. Draw the rest of the owl
    • saghm 3y ago
      At least personally, the people I've found difficult to work with aren't ones who I don't know what they want; it's that what they want conflicts with what I want. Usually, this boils down to "they want to decide how everything is done and not have to justify it to me, and I want to not just blindly follow what they tell me to do". Trying to "work maturely and fairly within that context" is directly at odds with what they want in those cases.
      • jddj 3y ago
        There is a lot of that. I have one who in no exaggerated terms needs every good thing to have been their idea and will reframe what their role was in anything that turns out to have been a waste of time/money. They want, more than anything, approval and recognition - to an embarrassing extent. It's not fun and I'd have it almost any other way given the choice, but we've achieved a lot despite that and observers so far have been astute enough to see things for what they are.
    • red-iron-pine 3y ago
      > No cookie cutter management fluff is going to get you anywhere useful with intelligent people. bollocks. intelligent people are just as susceptible to advertising, charisma, good looks, "presence", flattery, threats, and other manipulation as anyone. The bar may be a little higher, but everyone has intrinsic biases regardless of IQ, and it's not hard to flesh those out through interactions, then pander to them. These are all part and parcel of the management toolkit and if you don't think they are then chances are they're working on you right now. "Advertising works, even when you know how advertising works".
  • johnnyanmac 3y ago
    Sounds like a lot of HN people just don't like desire friends period. Like work is just a begrudging duty to attend to for half their waking lives but do it in tech because it pays extremely well for less investment (compared to other professions like doctors and Lawyers). Again, It's half your life in your most active years so Idk how I'd tolerate a lonely workplace in top of an increasingly lonely world. Does everyone just suffice using online dating and posting here for other socialization?
    • deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
    • PakG1 3y ago
      Friendships develop naturally, you can't force them. You are forced to have relationships with co-workers though. Just because you're forced to have co-workers, this doesn't mean you should be forced to be friends with them. In the end, if friendships naturally develop, that's great. If friendships don't develop, there's nothing wrong with having a purely professional relationship with co-workers, especially if they are productive, energizing, kind, etc. There's no reason to feel like this is a negative thing. I can certainly get all my friendship needs met outside of work and love from my family at home. The only time I'd be desperate to make friends at work is if I'm single in a new city with no attachments to anyone around me. Even then, I can't force friendships to develop at work. The nature of friendship is different from work relationships.
      • johnnyanmac 3y ago
        Sure. But friendships also take effort and finding the idea of casually conversing on the clock "patronizing" sounds like effort to actively prevent any friendships. You don't have to force yourself, but being close minded to the idea outright > There's no reason to feel like this is a negative thing. disagree or not, I already gave my POV. you spend half your waking hours of the best years of your life there, I want to try and at least be open to the idea of people who hopefully are passionate in the same kind of work as me would have something to connect over. But hey, if you have friends in town or are fine focusing on family, that's fine. >I can certainly get all my friendship needs met outside of work and love from my family at home. The only time I'd be desperate to make friends at work is if I'm single in a new city with no attachments to anyone around me. welcome to most college grads that don't all go work at a FAANG together after college. First job sucked but met some great friends, still talk to this day. Didn't force myself at all; some people asked to go out to lunch and I was simply willing enough to go out instead of keep my head at my desk. Some meshed well, some not so much. 2nd job was amazing from a career perspective, but I clearly wasn't going to closely bond with everyone else being 15+ years older than me with kids/family as a single 26YO dude (at the time). Wouldn't change it for the world, but it was always a lingering feeling there where I felt I had to try and act 10 years older in career and maturity compared to just being myself in the first role.
• ahoka 3y ago
  Resort to stockholm syndrome? No, abuse is never OK.
  • lijok 3y ago
    There’s a big difference between abuse and not being liked by someone
• sevagh 3y ago
  If they bring the heat, you bring it right back. If you let people bully you once it won't ever stop.
  • brnt 3y ago
    A bully needs standing up against, full stop, but was OP arguing any bullying was involved? I indeed share the experience that it helps to find commonality if you have to work with someone you don't jibe with. The not jibing doesn't have to be nasty.
  • snowwrestler 3y ago
    You don’t need to match a heated affect to stand up to bullying. You just need to know where your lines are, and stand your ground. It can be done calmly, and might even be more effective that way.
    • datadrivenangel 3y ago
      And then the bully gets you fired by undermining you and engaging in sycophantic behavior with senior management.
    • sevagh 3y ago
      Yeah, agreed. I guess "bring the heat" implies combat but standing one's ground calmly (or, refusing to accept the person's heat) is better.
  • bityard 3y ago
    Well, the thing is, if you try to fight a jerk with their own weapons, others around you will see you behaving as a jerk as well. And then you've lost more than just another argument. I prefer the Columbo method. No matter emotional the other person gets, remain calm, polite, and respectful in ALL of your responses. Remember that an angry person's only goal is to get you angry as well in an effort to blind you to the facts. Then when you trip up, they point at you and say, "Ha! See? You were wrong!" A professional manipulator can be very, VERY good at this. The most important thing to remember is: just don't get angry no matter what. You can't control THEM, but you CAN control YOU. If they are the type who can _eventually_ be reasoned with, then relentlessly question their facts, poke holes in their logic, and eventually they will likely shut up or go away. Or, possibly, you might learn something you didn't know and they weren't good at articulating it well, and you can both move forward with a better understanding. It sucks that some people can't put forth a rational argument without making it a flame war first, but that is sometimes the way it goes. But if they just want to argue, then a simple, "sorry, but I really have to focus on X right now," followed by the silent treatment always works as a last resort.
• snowwrestler 3y ago
  This works if it happens naturally. If it’s forced, it can come across as insincere or manipulative and make things worse.
  • datadrivenangel 3y ago
    You have to force it sincerely. Dale Carnegie wrote a book on this.
    • timeagain 3y ago
      If you sincerely want to connect, then any attempt will not feel forced, even if it is out of your usual social repertoire. If they see you putting in work, it will show. After all the only way we can grow to accept more kinds of people is by “forcing” ourselves out of comfort.
    • PakG1 3y ago
      I dislike that book. I'm not sure I learned a single thing from it.
    • JohnFen 3y ago
      That book is all about how to emotionally manipulate people. I wouldn't use it as a guide to developing actual friendships.
• dclowd9901 3y ago
  We had a writing exercise in one of my college creative writing classes. You were supposed to write down 5 things you hate about someone you dislike. Then you’re supposed write down 5 things you admire about them. Really taught me a lot about my perspectives and what real humility looks like.
• kstrauser 3y ago
  I had a smart, thoughtful coworker that I just couldn’t mesh with. Something about our personalities were oil and water. One day it came up that we were both fans of the same video game genre, and from then on we had something pleasant to chat about. That tiny bit of personal connection had more of a smoothing effect than I would have expected.