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Guys, buying diamonds, can complain all day about what a rip off it is (it is). But if you apprise your fiancé of the alternatives / opp costs (moissanite, man

Guys, buying diamonds, can complain all day about what a rip off it is (it is). But if you apprise your fiancé of the alternatives / opp costs (moissanite, man made, second hand, etc) and she still wants a new diamond, just get her a new diamond. It will make her happy for years. My wife had her heart set on a pink diamond, so that’s what I got her. I made it clear though that if I got this, she is not getting a new one for a long time (she has a tendency to want to rent / sample / change things up). So to her credit she did her homework and spent a few months picking the best one. Now everytime we go out and she wears it, I can see how she’s happy. It’s worth it to me to see a gift keep giving.

tuatoru 3y ago
I have no idea why you're being downvoted for sharing a personal story. And your opinion is as valid as anyone else's in matters of taste. De gustibus non est disputandum.
- makeitdouble 3y ago
  Didn't downvote, but online forums are rarely a good place for relationship advice. In particular, if you're marrying someone, getting a grip on what she might appreciate for years is a good first step, especially as the premise is the discussion has already been started in the couple and she voices her own opinions. How it goes down from there is probably a microcosm of how they'll deal with their future decisions.
- throwaway2037 3y ago
  De gustibus non est disputandum. I had to look it up: <<Of taste, there is no disputing.>> There is a whole Wiki page about it! [1] [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_gustibus_non_est_disputandum https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_gustibus_non_est_disputandu...
bombcar 3y ago
And make sure you appraise her of it - shenanigans like buying something else and passing it off as a diamond could result in her being absolutely embarrassed in front of her friends, which should not be a position you want to put her in.
- cactusplant7374 3y ago
  Not everyone wants to spend $20,000 on a rock so that their spouse isn’t “embarrassed in front of her friends.”
  - selcuka 3y ago
    Sure, but calling them your spouse then not giving a crap about their feelings is not fair. You were free to marry someone else, who thinks more in line the way you do.
    - RationalDino 3y ago
      You are making unjustified assumptions. I am a person who doesn't wish to spend $20,000 on a rock so that my wife won't be embarrassed in front of her friends. And that is why I chose to marry a woman who thinks that spending $20,000 on a rock is a silly thing to do.
      - MadnessASAP 3y ago
        You both figuratively said the same thing...
      - selcuka 3y ago
        > that is why I chose to marry a woman That was my point. If you married someone who doesn't like diamonds, fine. The original comment was about "shenanigans like buying something else and passing it off as a diamond". Isn't there anything your partner likes? Would you buy something else because you don't wish to spend $X on Y, "passing it off as Y", and embarrass her in front of her friends?
        bombcar 3y ago
        Exactly. The deception is the problem and secretly buying a “real conflict” diamond for a woman who doesn’t want to be involved with it would be just as bad.
  - 3y ago
engineer_22 3y ago
Happy wife, happy life.
- ta93754829 3y ago
  [flagged]
  - smt88 3y ago
    Do you, uh... want to explain? It's definitely a cringy, antiquated phrase, but it doesn't seem harmful. People with wives should tie their own happiness to their wife's, shouldn't they?
    - jimbob45 3y ago
      I always thought it was an observation that people (often men) tend to underestimate how involved and intertwined in their lives their partners are. To these men, having a newly-happy wife improve their life seems like magic. To outside observers, it seems blatantly obvious that having the person you live with be happy will improve your life.
    - logicchains 3y ago
      >People with wives should tie their own happiness to their wife's, shouldn't they? No, this invites emotional manipulation and abuse: "do/don't do this or you'll make me unhappy".
      - smt88 3y ago
        Loving someone means wanting them to be happy. The type of emotional abuse you describe is available to anyone in a loving relationship.
        Seattle3503 3y ago
        It's not necessarily about manipulation, it's about not being codependent. If every time your partner is unhappy, you freak out, your ability to be a good partner is diminished. Couples need some buffer between their emotions to dampen extreme lows.
cactusplant7374 3y ago
I am married to someone that didn’t want a diamond or upgrades. I prefer it.
- c0pium 3y ago
  Based off of your extensive experience with the converse?
  - cactusplant7374 3y ago
    Yes.
    - c0pium 3y ago
      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetorical_question https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetorical_question
WheelsAtLarge 3y ago
I tend to agree. This falls in the same realm as a fancy wedding versus a trip to a courthouse to get married. Some couples are fine with going to a courthouse, others will never accept it even if they have to borrow to accomplish it. When it comes to big weddings there is no such thing as a smart expense. Most couples would be better off by going to a judge to get married but that just can't be accepted by many. Diamonds are just another cost of getting married by most couples.
- cactusplant7374 3y ago
  I guess if they are desperate to get married they do whatever. Of they can discuss expectations at the beginning of the relationship like they do with other goals (i.e. kids or no kids).
  - jonkho 3y ago
    They literally paying to go to the clink. Nothing that a marriage license permits you to do that you can’t do without one. Except you can be liable to get sued when the relationship ends. Literally the only differentiator of significance.
    - CalRobert 3y ago
      You can get a visa more easily.
      - jonkho 3y ago
        As an American, it’s pretty much visa-free everywhere - and my comment is directed towards Americans.
        CalRobert 3y ago
        I am an American (living abroad), and while your comment is technically correct, permission to remain long term and work in a country is one of the benefits to a legal marriage.
amrocha 3y ago
If she wants a diamond despite knowing all the misery the diamond industry spreads, then you should probably just break up
- 4death4 3y ago
  What misery does a Chinese lab grown diamond really spread?
  - amrocha 3y ago
    The point of the comment I'm replying to is that if your wife wants a blood diamond you should get her a blood diamond
    - deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
  - Exoristos 3y ago
    Best not to ask.
- throwaway2037 3y ago
  In 2023, the diamond mining industry in South Africa and Botswana is pretty clean, treats workers well, and pays good wages. I cannot answer for other countries in Africa, but you can be very specific about the origin of your diamond when buying it.
  - amrocha 3y ago
    Even if it's "clean" relative to worse places, it's still not ethical. Mining is still dangerous work. The workers are still underpaid. The profits are still stolen by companies that are literally the vestiges of European colonialism.
    - defrost 3y ago
      There are a lot of diamond mines, many in Canada, a number in Australia, there are a number that are mobile marine based ventures with state of the art ships sucking in sediments and sifting for diamonds. https://edition.cnn.com/2018/09/03/africa/marine-diamond-mining-namibia/index.html https://edition.cnn.com/2018/09/03/africa/marine-diamond-min... None of your comments applies to any of the mines mentioned; Canada, Australia, and the marine operations all abide by OSHA regulations and pay good wages. If you want to make a specific comment about conflict diamonds, for example, it pays to be aware that it's not just mining that sucks in war zones .. quality of life is pretty poor all around.
forgetfreeman 3y ago
Better advice: upgrade to a fiance that isn't distracted by pointless bling.
- paulddraper 3y ago
  oh yes preference for a diamond ring is definitely a dealbreaker
  - Nick87633 3y ago
    god forbid you should ever decide you want a sports car as a husband
    - jonkho 3y ago
      Happy wife, happy life. And honey do.
      - sethammons 3y ago
        Happy spouse, happy house
  - lossolo 3y ago
    It's not about a diamond ring but what is behind that preference. Could be different things but some of them are a huge red flags. It's a lot better to marry someone that do not have that preference.
  - friend_and_foe 3y ago
    Can't tell if you're being sarcastic, but it definitely is a deal breaker for me. It speaks to someone's priorities. If they're more concerned about outdoing their girlfriends over cosmopolitans or worthless trinkets than the fiscal health of their family I don't want to start a family with them. And that's what this is all about right, family. I'd like to leave my kids with something significant and more than I was left with, so a partner that sees blowing thousands of dollars on frivolity and vanity as a positive is probably not a good match for me.
friend_and_foe 3y ago
I guess that works for most men. Personally, one of my criteria is that she can't want a diamond, that might sound crazy but I want a partner in life that is financially sensible and fiscally responsible, we have to leave our children with more than we were left with or we have failed, that is a core part of my philosophy of family building. Thankfully I found her. I also had a talk with her dad about it after I met him and he called diamonds a scam. So she gets it and I'm happy.
- seattle_spring 3y ago
  Splurging every once in a while does not inherently make someone “fiscally irresponsible.” For many people, especially on this forum, $3k-$5k for a ring is literally a few days work or less worth of pay. (Please no one get pedantic on ring cost to me, absolutely not the point of this comment)
  - Retric 3y ago
    It’s not the cost that’s the issue, it’s the underlying desire. Belief in astrology is seemingly harmless, but it’s a sign of underlying irrationality that I find unacceptable. The ritual around a hunk of carbon is the same category of thinking IMO. Also, ‘a few days salary’ rather defeats the rituals purpose.
    - tired-turtle 3y ago
      Eh, I’m fervently anti-diamond (they’re silly imo), but I can acknowledge that, to some, they represent (I think?) a lasting commitment and are a cultural tradition. If the desire is emotional, then there’s no reasoning with it anyway. (And not everything in life need be logical.)
      - callalex 3y ago
        Does it count as a cultural tradition if it was manufactured within the last 2 generations? It’s kinda like asking a family if they celebrate Toyotathon or Hondadays as a tradition.
TheCapeGreek 3y ago
For some, it's about the principle/value alignment. Similar to how you'll likely be happier (or at least have fewer conflicts) with someone who shares your dietary preferences or religion. Sometimes it's no big deal, and I'd recommend your advice. But if it is a big deal for someone, then just be up front about it and why you will/won't do it.
Tarball10 3y ago
Or get a new fiancé...
atleastoptimal 3y ago
I wouldn't marry anyone whose happiness is dependent on a artificially expensive hard and shiny rock whose prestige was inflated for years by an industry built on slave labor, especially when far less expensive alternatives exist. If she is apprised of the alternatives and still demands "No I want EXPENSIVE shiny thing" then it's cultural shaming factoring into the decision making. You have to reevaluate what she sees you as: an actual human being, or a provider mannequin whose validity as a partner depends on subjecting yourself to arbitrary ceremonial consumerist prostrations.
- londons_explore 3y ago
  Plenty of animals do pointless wasteful things to impress partners. I don't think we can expect humans to be any different.
  - atleastoptimal 3y ago
    Humans are different enough already that they can recognize its pointless and wasteful. Why only acknowledge it but still cede to the pointlessness?
- averageRoyalty 3y ago
  The irony that you definitely typed this on a device that was partially or fully made in inhumane conditions by people below the poverty line.
  - raisedbyninjas 3y ago
    We don't choose to purchase slave phones, computers, etc. over free trade alternatives. Choosing blood diamonds over artificial diamonds, makes the cruelty the point, no?
    - Reubachi 3y ago
      As a consumerist society we sure choose slave made e-waste over "fairly sourced" tech like Fairphone. When's the last time we heard a peep from them? It SHOULD be easier to make an industry of fairly-sourced tech than it is to make an industry of fairly sourced minerals. But the tech industry makes far far more off of their slave labor than any mining industry, and the average person is far more likely to ignore the guilt of a device they need to use daily than a rock they wear occasionally.
wolverine876 3y ago
> if you apprise your fiancé of the alternatives / opp costs What a romantic! I recommend not apprising your fiance of anything, but working to understand them and make your engagement as joyful and loving as possible. > I made it clear though that if I got this, she is not getting a new one for a long time (she has a tendency to want to rent / sample / change things up). Is she 12 years old? Is it legal to marry someone that age? :) I hope she said, 'oh, yes dear, whatever you say', and went out and bought another the next day. But I'm guessing you didn't say actually that to your spouse. I hope you said something like, 'I'm a bit worried about our budget for such things'. Unless it was for your engagement, and then I hope you didn't say a thing. > Guys, buying diamonds, can complain all day about what a rip off it is (it is). People buy similarly useless crap all the time, like cars that are more expensive than they need. Why is her preference any less legitimate, why does it need any more excuse, than any other? The only argument I see is, it's not your preference.
- atleastoptimal 3y ago
  She can have a preference, and he can preference on whether or not he buys it for her. A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. Cultural shaming shouldn't keep people from having reasonable discussions, especially when it's a purely ceremonial, psychological purchase, rather than something practical both partners could get value out of.
  - wolverine876 3y ago
    > A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. You're asking the wrong questions and giving the wrong answers to them. Wrong questions: Those things don't matter in a serious, mature relationship, or are a low priority. The question is, what does your partner think? If it's important to them, then it's important. QED. That's because you care about your partner infinitely more and everything else is bullshit. Wrong answers: If it's not important to your partner, then you discuss it. But you're still wrong: The correct answer is not to bother with the discussion, but to make sure your partner feels listened to, respected, and supported. Make sure you feel that way too, or your relationship will eventually bomb. More wrong answers: If all of the above is done, and there's still room to discuss it, go for it. But you are still wrong: My impression is that you and the GGP seem to think that your opinions (and the grand HN consensus) are truths. Your opinion is just one limited take on reality.; your partner will have their own take, and, crucially: it's completely independent of you and your judgment; you have no business evaluating it; you just accept it. You listen, be curious about their take - give them space and time, because when you cut people off with your opinion, you actually never hear theirs (a widespread mistake of the arrogant, trapping them in ignorance). You take it in, challenge your own ideas. Then, finally, you are right to express yourself.
javaunsafe2019 3y ago
Wow you really live in a different universe then me.
yread 3y ago
It's not like buying some other ring is that much better. We have 22ct gold rings but they are huge, heavy and don't fit very well anymore so they're easy to lose, so we never wear them. But we have them yay! At least it cost an order of magnitude less
globular-toast 3y ago
> It will make her happy for years. Yeah right! Things like diamonds are not about having shiny things, they are about getting shiny things.
stef25 3y ago
> My wife had her heart set on a pink diamond, so that’s what I got her. I made it clear though that if I got this, she is not getting a new one for a long time (she has a tendency to want to rent / sample / change things up). So to her credit she did her homework and spent a few months picking the best one. Sounds like me talking about my toddler and his Legos
- oblio 3y ago
  If you think that as a guy you don't do the same, you're sorely mistaken and you probably haven't been digging around your own history.
  - kbelder 3y ago
    But, my Warhammer figs really have value!
- HelloMcFly 3y ago
  Why does the topic of individual couple negotiating decisions some people don't agree with make people so uncharitable and derisive? The person you replied talked about something critical to functional relationships which is the open communication about wants, boundaries, implications. Both individuals likely had unspoken thoughts or motivations. This is a relationship success story where people identify and share what is important to them. There's undoubtedly areas of the relationship where the roles are reversed, and I am sure you have your own "legos" too.
ChrisRR 3y ago
Or get her a pre-owned and/or lab-grown diamond which are insanely cheaper. While the cost of diamonds is pure marketing, I wouldn't want to pay thousands for something that is physically identical. If the fact it's been on someone's finger before bothers her more than the potential conflict, slave labour, manipulation and underhanded trading, then I don't think a little white lie is a bad thing. Spend the money on something else
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
Justsignedup 3y ago
I would like to say, its all marketing. I sold my fiance on the idea that I spent a month shopping for the best cost-efficient but best looking deal on a ring, and settled on the one I got her, and that ended up being better than the presentation itself (she absolutely loves the ring). Point is... marketing rules the world, programming just supports it. Edit: To be fair, I showed her the other options and she likes the ring I got her on sale more than all the other options that were available. And she was very happy that the rest of the money was spent on us.
ftyers 3y ago
That's what I thought... The price amortises over the length of the marriage, so it actually works out fairly reasonably.

tuatoru 3y ago

I have no idea why you're being downvoted for sharing a personal story. And your opinion is as valid as anyone else's in matters of taste. De gustibus non est disputandum.

makeitdouble 3y ago
Didn't downvote, but online forums are rarely a good place for relationship advice. In particular, if you're marrying someone, getting a grip on what she might appreciate for years is a good first step, especially as the premise is the discussion has already been started in the couple and she voices her own opinions. How it goes down from there is probably a microcosm of how they'll deal with their future decisions.
throwaway2037 3y ago
De gustibus non est disputandum. I had to look it up: <<Of taste, there is no disputing.>> There is a whole Wiki page about it! [1] [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_gustibus_non_est_disputandum https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_gustibus_non_est_disputandu...

bombcar 3y ago

And make sure you appraise her of it - shenanigans like buying something else and passing it off as a diamond could result in her being absolutely embarrassed in front of her friends, which should not be a position you want to put her in.

cactusplant7374 3y ago
Not everyone wants to spend $20,000 on a rock so that their spouse isn’t “embarrassed in front of her friends.”
- selcuka 3y ago
  Sure, but calling them your spouse then not giving a crap about their feelings is not fair. You were free to marry someone else, who thinks more in line the way you do.
  - RationalDino 3y ago
    You are making unjustified assumptions. I am a person who doesn't wish to spend $20,000 on a rock so that my wife won't be embarrassed in front of her friends. And that is why I chose to marry a woman who thinks that spending $20,000 on a rock is a silly thing to do.
    - MadnessASAP 3y ago
      You both figuratively said the same thing...
    - selcuka 3y ago
      > that is why I chose to marry a woman That was my point. If you married someone who doesn't like diamonds, fine. The original comment was about "shenanigans like buying something else and passing it off as a diamond". Isn't there anything your partner likes? Would you buy something else because you don't wish to spend $X on Y, "passing it off as Y", and embarrass her in front of her friends?
      - bombcar 3y ago
        Exactly. The deception is the problem and secretly buying a “real conflict” diamond for a woman who doesn’t want to be involved with it would be just as bad.
- 3y ago

engineer_22 3y ago

Happy wife, happy life.

ta93754829 3y ago
[flagged]
- smt88 3y ago
  Do you, uh... want to explain? It's definitely a cringy, antiquated phrase, but it doesn't seem harmful. People with wives should tie their own happiness to their wife's, shouldn't they?
  - jimbob45 3y ago
    I always thought it was an observation that people (often men) tend to underestimate how involved and intertwined in their lives their partners are. To these men, having a newly-happy wife improve their life seems like magic. To outside observers, it seems blatantly obvious that having the person you live with be happy will improve your life.
  - logicchains 3y ago
    >People with wives should tie their own happiness to their wife's, shouldn't they? No, this invites emotional manipulation and abuse: "do/don't do this or you'll make me unhappy".
    - smt88 3y ago
      Loving someone means wanting them to be happy. The type of emotional abuse you describe is available to anyone in a loving relationship.
      - Seattle3503 3y ago
        It's not necessarily about manipulation, it's about not being codependent. If every time your partner is unhappy, you freak out, your ability to be a good partner is diminished. Couples need some buffer between their emotions to dampen extreme lows.

cactusplant7374 3y ago

I am married to someone that didn’t want a diamond or upgrades. I prefer it.

c0pium 3y ago
Based off of your extensive experience with the converse?
- cactusplant7374 3y ago
  Yes.
  - c0pium 3y ago
    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetorical_question https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetorical_question

WheelsAtLarge 3y ago

I tend to agree. This falls in the same realm as a fancy wedding versus a trip to a courthouse to get married. Some couples are fine with going to a courthouse, others will never accept it even if they have to borrow to accomplish it. When it comes to big weddings there is no such thing as a smart expense. Most couples would be better off by going to a judge to get married but that just can't be accepted by many. Diamonds are just another cost of getting married by most couples.

cactusplant7374 3y ago
I guess if they are desperate to get married they do whatever. Of they can discuss expectations at the beginning of the relationship like they do with other goals (i.e. kids or no kids).
- jonkho 3y ago
  They literally paying to go to the clink. Nothing that a marriage license permits you to do that you can’t do without one. Except you can be liable to get sued when the relationship ends. Literally the only differentiator of significance.
  - CalRobert 3y ago
    You can get a visa more easily.
    - jonkho 3y ago
      As an American, it’s pretty much visa-free everywhere - and my comment is directed towards Americans.
      - CalRobert 3y ago
        I am an American (living abroad), and while your comment is technically correct, permission to remain long term and work in a country is one of the benefits to a legal marriage.

amrocha 3y ago

If she wants a diamond despite knowing all the misery the diamond industry spreads, then you should probably just break up

4death4 3y ago
What misery does a Chinese lab grown diamond really spread?
- amrocha 3y ago
  The point of the comment I'm replying to is that if your wife wants a blood diamond you should get her a blood diamond
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
- Exoristos 3y ago
  Best not to ask.
throwaway2037 3y ago
In 2023, the diamond mining industry in South Africa and Botswana is pretty clean, treats workers well, and pays good wages. I cannot answer for other countries in Africa, but you can be very specific about the origin of your diamond when buying it.
- amrocha 3y ago
  Even if it's "clean" relative to worse places, it's still not ethical. Mining is still dangerous work. The workers are still underpaid. The profits are still stolen by companies that are literally the vestiges of European colonialism.
  - defrost 3y ago
    There are a lot of diamond mines, many in Canada, a number in Australia, there are a number that are mobile marine based ventures with state of the art ships sucking in sediments and sifting for diamonds. https://edition.cnn.com/2018/09/03/africa/marine-diamond-mining-namibia/index.html https://edition.cnn.com/2018/09/03/africa/marine-diamond-min... None of your comments applies to any of the mines mentioned; Canada, Australia, and the marine operations all abide by OSHA regulations and pay good wages. If you want to make a specific comment about conflict diamonds, for example, it pays to be aware that it's not just mining that sucks in war zones .. quality of life is pretty poor all around.

forgetfreeman 3y ago

Better advice: upgrade to a fiance that isn't distracted by pointless bling.

paulddraper 3y ago
oh yes preference for a diamond ring is definitely a dealbreaker
- Nick87633 3y ago
  god forbid you should ever decide you want a sports car as a husband
  - jonkho 3y ago
    Happy wife, happy life. And honey do.
    - sethammons 3y ago
      Happy spouse, happy house
- lossolo 3y ago
  It's not about a diamond ring but what is behind that preference. Could be different things but some of them are a huge red flags. It's a lot better to marry someone that do not have that preference.
- friend_and_foe 3y ago
  Can't tell if you're being sarcastic, but it definitely is a deal breaker for me. It speaks to someone's priorities. If they're more concerned about outdoing their girlfriends over cosmopolitans or worthless trinkets than the fiscal health of their family I don't want to start a family with them. And that's what this is all about right, family. I'd like to leave my kids with something significant and more than I was left with, so a partner that sees blowing thousands of dollars on frivolity and vanity as a positive is probably not a good match for me.

friend_and_foe 3y ago

I guess that works for most men. Personally, one of my criteria is that she can't want a diamond, that might sound crazy but I want a partner in life that is financially sensible and fiscally responsible, we have to leave our children with more than we were left with or we have failed, that is a core part of my philosophy of family building. Thankfully I found her. I also had a talk with her dad about it after I met him and he called diamonds a scam. So she gets it and I'm happy.

seattle_spring 3y ago
Splurging every once in a while does not inherently make someone “fiscally irresponsible.” For many people, especially on this forum, $3k-$5k for a ring is literally a few days work or less worth of pay. (Please no one get pedantic on ring cost to me, absolutely not the point of this comment)
- Retric 3y ago
  It’s not the cost that’s the issue, it’s the underlying desire. Belief in astrology is seemingly harmless, but it’s a sign of underlying irrationality that I find unacceptable. The ritual around a hunk of carbon is the same category of thinking IMO. Also, ‘a few days salary’ rather defeats the rituals purpose.
  - tired-turtle 3y ago
    Eh, I’m fervently anti-diamond (they’re silly imo), but I can acknowledge that, to some, they represent (I think?) a lasting commitment and are a cultural tradition. If the desire is emotional, then there’s no reasoning with it anyway. (And not everything in life need be logical.)
    - callalex 3y ago
      Does it count as a cultural tradition if it was manufactured within the last 2 generations? It’s kinda like asking a family if they celebrate Toyotathon or Hondadays as a tradition.

TheCapeGreek 3y ago

For some, it's about the principle/value alignment. Similar to how you'll likely be happier (or at least have fewer conflicts) with someone who shares your dietary preferences or religion. Sometimes it's no big deal, and I'd recommend your advice. But if it is a big deal for someone, then just be up front about it and why you will/won't do it.

Tarball10 3y ago

Or get a new fiancé...

atleastoptimal 3y ago

I wouldn't marry anyone whose happiness is dependent on a artificially expensive hard and shiny rock whose prestige was inflated for years by an industry built on slave labor, especially when far less expensive alternatives exist. If she is apprised of the alternatives and still demands "No I want EXPENSIVE shiny thing" then it's cultural shaming factoring into the decision making. You have to reevaluate what she sees you as: an actual human being, or a provider mannequin whose validity as a partner depends on subjecting yourself to arbitrary ceremonial consumerist prostrations.

londons_explore 3y ago
Plenty of animals do pointless wasteful things to impress partners. I don't think we can expect humans to be any different.
- atleastoptimal 3y ago
  Humans are different enough already that they can recognize its pointless and wasteful. Why only acknowledge it but still cede to the pointlessness?
averageRoyalty 3y ago
The irony that you definitely typed this on a device that was partially or fully made in inhumane conditions by people below the poverty line.
- raisedbyninjas 3y ago
  We don't choose to purchase slave phones, computers, etc. over free trade alternatives. Choosing blood diamonds over artificial diamonds, makes the cruelty the point, no?
  - Reubachi 3y ago
    As a consumerist society we sure choose slave made e-waste over "fairly sourced" tech like Fairphone. When's the last time we heard a peep from them? It SHOULD be easier to make an industry of fairly-sourced tech than it is to make an industry of fairly sourced minerals. But the tech industry makes far far more off of their slave labor than any mining industry, and the average person is far more likely to ignore the guilt of a device they need to use daily than a rock they wear occasionally.

wolverine876 3y ago

> if you apprise your fiancé of the alternatives / opp costs What a romantic! I recommend not apprising your fiance of anything, but working to understand them and make your engagement as joyful and loving as possible. > I made it clear though that if I got this, she is not getting a new one for a long time (she has a tendency to want to rent / sample / change things up). Is she 12 years old? Is it legal to marry someone that age? :) I hope she said, 'oh, yes dear, whatever you say', and went out and bought another the next day. But I'm guessing you didn't say actually that to your spouse. I hope you said something like, 'I'm a bit worried about our budget for such things'. Unless it was for your engagement, and then I hope you didn't say a thing. > Guys, buying diamonds, can complain all day about what a rip off it is (it is). People buy similarly useless crap all the time, like cars that are more expensive than they need. Why is her preference any less legitimate, why does it need any more excuse, than any other? The only argument I see is, it's not your preference.

atleastoptimal 3y ago
She can have a preference, and he can preference on whether or not he buys it for her. A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. Cultural shaming shouldn't keep people from having reasonable discussions, especially when it's a purely ceremonial, psychological purchase, rather than something practical both partners could get value out of.
- wolverine876 3y ago
  > A purchase that is solely ceremonial and build on outdated cultural mores does merit a rational discussion about expenses and alternatives. To entertain the notion that such things shouldn't even be discussed because engagements are "oh so special" is silly. You're asking the wrong questions and giving the wrong answers to them. Wrong questions: Those things don't matter in a serious, mature relationship, or are a low priority. The question is, what does your partner think? If it's important to them, then it's important. QED. That's because you care about your partner infinitely more and everything else is bullshit. Wrong answers: If it's not important to your partner, then you discuss it. But you're still wrong: The correct answer is not to bother with the discussion, but to make sure your partner feels listened to, respected, and supported. Make sure you feel that way too, or your relationship will eventually bomb. More wrong answers: If all of the above is done, and there's still room to discuss it, go for it. But you are still wrong: My impression is that you and the GGP seem to think that your opinions (and the grand HN consensus) are truths. Your opinion is just one limited take on reality.; your partner will have their own take, and, crucially: it's completely independent of you and your judgment; you have no business evaluating it; you just accept it. You listen, be curious about their take - give them space and time, because when you cut people off with your opinion, you actually never hear theirs (a widespread mistake of the arrogant, trapping them in ignorance). You take it in, challenge your own ideas. Then, finally, you are right to express yourself.

javaunsafe2019 3y ago

Wow you really live in a different universe then me.

yread 3y ago

It's not like buying some other ring is that much better. We have 22ct gold rings but they are huge, heavy and don't fit very well anymore so they're easy to lose, so we never wear them. But we have them yay! At least it cost an order of magnitude less

globular-toast 3y ago

> It will make her happy for years. Yeah right! Things like diamonds are not about having shiny things, they are about getting shiny things.

stef25 3y ago

> My wife had her heart set on a pink diamond, so that’s what I got her. I made it clear though that if I got this, she is not getting a new one for a long time (she has a tendency to want to rent / sample / change things up). So to her credit she did her homework and spent a few months picking the best one. Sounds like me talking about my toddler and his Legos

oblio 3y ago
If you think that as a guy you don't do the same, you're sorely mistaken and you probably haven't been digging around your own history.
- kbelder 3y ago
  But, my Warhammer figs really have value!
HelloMcFly 3y ago
Why does the topic of individual couple negotiating decisions some people don't agree with make people so uncharitable and derisive? The person you replied talked about something critical to functional relationships which is the open communication about wants, boundaries, implications. Both individuals likely had unspoken thoughts or motivations. This is a relationship success story where people identify and share what is important to them. There's undoubtedly areas of the relationship where the roles are reversed, and I am sure you have your own "legos" too.

ChrisRR 3y ago

Or get her a pre-owned and/or lab-grown diamond which are insanely cheaper. While the cost of diamonds is pure marketing, I wouldn't want to pay thousands for something that is physically identical. If the fact it's been on someone's finger before bothers her more than the potential conflict, slave labour, manipulation and underhanded trading, then I don't think a little white lie is a bad thing. Spend the money on something else

deleted 3y ago
[deleted]

Justsignedup 3y ago

I would like to say, its all marketing. I sold my fiance on the idea that I spent a month shopping for the best cost-efficient but best looking deal on a ring, and settled on the one I got her, and that ended up being better than the presentation itself (she absolutely loves the ring). Point is... marketing rules the world, programming just supports it. Edit: To be fair, I showed her the other options and she likes the ring I got her on sale more than all the other options that were available. And she was very happy that the rest of the money was spent on us.

ftyers 3y ago

That's what I thought... The price amortises over the length of the marriage, so it actually works out fairly reasonably.