10 ms·

Stop making every conversation about yourself

168 points by aksh7i 3y ago

Cypher 3y ago
How am I suppose to embody the world if I can't talk about myself?
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  You're aware of the problem, that's a good first step. The next step is wanting to fix it; your phrasing indicates there's something blocking you, have you tried looking into that? I'm not saying "go to therapy" but it might help to look around.
sourcecodeplz 3y ago
Don’t WAIT for your turn to talk.
aksh7i 3y ago
[flagged]
- TheSpiceIsLife 3y ago
  Interesting use of tense.
- user_named 3y ago
  [flagged]
- underdeserver 3y ago
  Ironic, using the word "I" three times in an article with that title.
- andirk 3y ago
  This is very common. Pretty annoying at first, but once I notice someone does that on the constant, I can zone out while they try to divert the story, and then return to continue the natural path of the convo. If it's every other sentence in a group setting, then I play a game of "how will that person turn THAT sentence into something about them?" It's a forgivable trait! But notice when you do it so you can be more present and empathetic. Discussion is more fun when it can go in so many directions rather than just funnel to oneself! :)
- chki 3y ago
  Is this a test to see whether people actually read the article? Because this is just copy-pasting the first paragraph. Edit: Looking at the comment history this is a spam account that constantly posts random snippets from the articles without any other indication.
Quinzel 3y ago
> I was an obnoxious extrovert who had no privacy, shared everything online, and never thought before I spoke. It’s almost like they’re describing me. > Whereas true happiness comes from finding the quiet calm, the ‘home’ within you. Once you find this place, you’ll see that your friend list is narrowed down. I think I need to meditate more!
- reedf1 3y ago
  Careful because mediation can easily become performative (even to oneself). I've noticed this in some of my highly conscientious colleagues. Maybe it's "grindset" ideaology, but capturing the "point" of meditation takes much more than a scheduled 6 minute breathing session at precisely the butt-crack of dawn.
  - Leo_Germond 3y ago
    6 minutes seems awfully short, I havent practiced meditation for a long time but my sessions where 20, 30 or 60 minutes long, it takes time for the mind to settle down and to benefit fully from flowing consciousness. Anything less would feel like a rush job, which is kinda paradoxical for meditation.
    - Quinzel 3y ago
      Did it take you a while to be able to meditate for 60 minutes??
      - Leo_Germond 3y ago
        If you practice it daily, after about a week pushing that to 60 minutes shouldn't be too hard, it's not physical after all. What's important is to have a great setup so that it's super comfy for you to stay a long time without moving: hot, background noise should stay low, use some mat or pillow to sit on, and here you go...
        Quinzel 3y ago
Indoctus 3y ago
[flagged]
JR1427 3y ago
Click on article. Discover I have to sign in to read. No thanks.
- uxp100 3y ago
  Are you sure, or is just the typical substack popover with the continue reading button? (It isn’t really worth going back for, very short with basically no content)
  - seszett 3y ago
    The popover does seem to require entering an email address before clicking on "continue reading". It actually doesn't, but it's not obvious and although this time I did click on the right button, I know there are at least a few times where I've just closed the tab because I thought I had to register or give an email address or whatever.
  - bell-cot 3y ago
    > (It isn't really worth going back for... Yep. It was trivial for me to read (Default "off" for js, view source) - but still not worth the time.
  - JR1427 3y ago
    Thanks for the followup. I guess my reaction is partly just that if a site wants to immediately spam me and try and grab some details, then I don't want to be there. On a related note, I'm usually a fan of the EU, but the mandatory cookie policy popup must be the worst piece of legislation in the history of the world. Very annoying, and absolutely doesn't solve the problem.
  - barryrandall 3y ago
    Is it even worth trying to differentiate? If you see a modal popover, just close the tab. If it was interesting, it'll get reposted somewhere without the modal.
lopis 3y ago
Most people love talking about themselves. So it's actually quite easy to be a good listener if you care to stop and listen.
- paulmooreparks 3y ago
  I'm quite shy and don't enjoy talking, so I've learned to ask gentle but leading questions to encourage other people to talk, even if I already know the answer. It really works.
- stupidcar 3y ago
  This is often quoted advice, but like many things it’s only true in moderation. People who take it too literally come across like therapists or interviewers. Some people are not comfortable talking about themselves, and most well adjusted people don’t want to talk endlessly about themselves. A good conversation should usually be an exchange.
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
DanHulton 3y ago
The irony.
- squigz 3y ago
  Can you elaborate?
  - toyg 3y ago
    Talking about himself while writing a post about not always talking about himself. To be fair, the author acknowledges the paradox mid-post.
    - squigz 3y ago
      Well I'm pretty sure he's not saying to never talk about oneself either
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  The author is self-aware at least; I do think that the internet (blog posts, social media, comment sections) have something to do with the phenomenon described, since most people will share their own experience or opinion on something; slow form things like comment sections aren't very condusive for back-and-forth communication.
gulyams 3y ago
This describes me well. How can you find the inner home? How can you be more conscious during conversations? I often come from an interaction with someone thinking: "God, I talked way too much. Should've listened more."
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  I can't give much advice there, other than be conscious/mindful and practice. Learn to pause between sentences, breathe, ask questions, listen, don't move to a next subject, etc. I think a lot of people have a fear that their soap box will be taken away if they don't fill the space, which... unfortunately isn't wrong because others love to hear themselves talk too. But yeah, it takes conscious effort and practice.
- bacza2 3y ago
  You might have heard it from other places but meditation. It's literally training you to be present with your thoughts and knowing what exactly is happening in your mind at the moment (and letting it go). Once you start meditating regularly you can observe that you got tangled up in thoughts quite early on and pull yourself back. As many practitioners say it helps to create space between impulse and action.
upupupandaway 3y ago
I feel like social media made this trait almost into an epidemic.
- thm 3y ago
  https://xkcd.com/386/ https://xkcd.com/386/
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  For sure, most social media activity is sharing something about yourself (activities, etc), and it often feels like any interactions with others have an ulterior motive of getting something in return.
rockbruno 3y ago
There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.
- andirk 3y ago
  I know your type and it's great! But yes, a connection is a dance, so if I'm getting pelted with these seemingly reasonable questions (read: "and how did that make you feel?"), they start feeling insincere.
  - Aromasin 3y ago
    I can't tell you how many people I know who must have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" once and became parrots whose only contribution to the conversation was to ask me questions and say my name repeatedly. That does not make a good conversationalist.
- slowhadoken 3y ago
  There is a balance. I often tell people a funny anecdote to loosen them up and break the ice. It’s work entertaining people all night though. Back and forth is best.
- plufz 3y ago
  I still have this problem, I have friends but when we talk I often drift to make conversations about them. I think it is a difficult habit to get out of, and it feels awkward to say things about myself without getting an explicit question. For a long time I just thought people were rude but nowdays I understand the problem to a big part is with me. I have started to talk more about subjects that interest me since that doesnt make me feel as egocentric as straight up talking about myself. It feels like a step in the right direction…
  - taopai 3y ago
scrapheap 3y ago
I'm more than happy to hear people talking about themselves - I just wish people would remember that they've already told me a story before. The third time you hear about someone's school days when they did X, Y and Z can get a bit boring :D
- dsego 3y ago
  You can always politely remind the person that you've heard it before. Skip to expressing amusement or other before they finish the story.
- lynx23 3y ago
  Oh yeah. I have good conversational memory. Hearing the same story three times is usually when I start to doubt the other persons memory. However, they have a different task to solve. I only have to concentrate on what they are telling me, and that makes repetition detection easier. However, they likely told the same story to numberous people, so they are used to repetitions, but they have no (good) mechanism to detect when they tell the same story to the same person.
  - TeMPOraL 3y ago
    > they likely told the same story to numberous people, so they are used to repetitions, but they have no (good) mechanism to detect when they tell the same story to the same person. Maybe, but then there was that person I was close enough to, that I knew for a fact I was one of up to three people she told some of the stories to, and yet I'd still hear those stories repeatedly, on a weekly or monthly basis. So at least in that one case, I feel she must've adopted a completely stateless approach to conversation. As in, there wouldn't even be an attempt to recall she told me that exact same story just a few days before, much less that it's at least the fifth time I heard this within last 6 months. I guess "having your heart on your tongue", as 'teekert puts it, would be an apt description. It's only now that it clicked for me that this is, in fact, a viable approach some people might have naturally adopted. Maybe it's even a superior one, as it keeps the state in the relationship.
    - 3y ago
andirk 3y ago
A dating advice, for a guy, is "70/30"; Let her speak 70%, you speak 30%. People really like to share their own knowledge because that is their comfort zone, especially about themself. When I throw a few cocktails back, I can get too comfortable with ranting, so I try to stfu every couple minutes to let others take the reins just in case I'm being overzealous (which is also embarrassing).
- chatgptbad 3y ago
  [flagged]
- passion__desire 3y ago
  In that 30%, try to have maximum impact. That's the reason, clever, witty guys are admired.
  - AlecSchueler 3y ago
    Different women have different tastes.
    - aurareturn 3y ago
      Some women like skinny guys. Most women like muscular guys who can make them feel protected.
      - AlecSchueler 3y ago
        I'm sorry but that's just sexist nonsense based more in male fantasy than any actual research amongst women.
        aurareturn 3y ago
        There's been tons of studies confirming what I wrote. In some studies, 100% of the women chose the muscular body type over the skinny type for an ideal male body. But yes, let's ignore all the research and basic instinct because you want to be politically correct.
slowhadoken 3y ago
Worse than that are people that turn a subject into an opportunity to talk about themself. It’s always the clue I’m talking to a narcissist. They’re always offended, demanding answers, rephrasing what you’ve said, attracting negative attention and blaming you for it.
- DonHopkins 3y ago
  I think the whole world is already extremely familiar with how Donald Trump thinks and acts and talks by now, and why he is such a horrible un-empathic person and a menace to society, who is absolutely unqualified to hold office. See? That wasn't about myself at all. That's how it's done.
  - slowhadoken 3y ago
    It’s consumerisms effect on people in general. It drives them into lower states of consciousness. The ceiling for mindfulness becomes individualism, which is decent but ultimately a state of arrested development. David Foster Wallace cautioned the public about it.
beardyw 3y ago
It's like the old story of an actor: ".. anyway that's enough talk about me. What did YOU think about my performance."
- teekert 3y ago
  Hahaha, this is a genuine tactic people use to keep it about themselves indeed. Good one.
- DonHopkins 3y ago
  Like when an SNL host tries to make their monologue all about themself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiVUrOgxhf0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiVUrOgxhf0 Sometime even a seasoned professional can't get it right. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMFclAw6rnY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMFclAw6rnY And then they have to improvise. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtnBumt82_Y https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtnBumt82_Y Finally they may notice another actor on stage, find themselves listening, and make the beast with two backs, but only to further their own career. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRkZYdWCe7w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRkZYdWCe7w
rayxi271828 3y ago
Interesting. I had to make a conscious effort to go the other way around, i.e.: to talk more about me. I grew up reading too many books aimed at the extroverts among us ("There's a reason we have 1 mouth and 2 ears!"; "Silence is golden!"). It's hard to underestimate missed opportunities because a shy introvert (me back then) took and (mis)applied advice meant for extroverts who were already unable to stop talking about themselves. I became virtually invisible. Not good for my career, for my social life, or for my success with women. I realized much, much later, that to advance in my career, to have a social standing within a group, to be accepted and to have my opinions valued, I HAD to speak up. I HAD to sometimes convey forcefully a personal point of view. That's what makes a person interesting. Nobody remembers a nobody who "listened to me all night long". That only works if you're already somebody that people wouldn't expect to listen to them all night long in the first place! Sadly, very seldom this kind of advice comes with the correct nuances, in which situation it applies, etc.
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  To add to your experience, there's also a group of people that grew up and lived their adult life so isolated that they will start dumping on anyone that shows a little interest, smothering them. I know I'm guilty of that sometimes.
  - TeMPOraL 3y ago
    Then there are those among them with enough self-reflection to find a therapist to subject to the story of their life, instead of some random civilians. But when even the therapist can't keep up and starts being sucked down the whirlpool of criss-crossing plot threads, what then?
- mewpmewp2 3y ago
  Exactly. I was also given feedback I should talk and express my opinion more, only later in my life. I was given this professionally, and it's possibly been one of the best advice I've received in terms of my life, it's weird it took me to get to the position of having a career and no one else before that thought to give it. When growing up I also listened to those statements as you said, in addition I would like to bring out the very common "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt". This type of sentiment actually gave me performance anxiety. Thinking people are constantly evaluating you, and at any given time if you speak you could significantly lose that rating. In which case it's always best to stay with the "neutral" or whichever rating. I thought it would be okay to kind of be this "strong, smart, mysteriously silent type". Unfortunately if you actually follow this strategy, you will be left behind, because people who do talk, and say things that are stupid, are more likely to learn to talk better than anyone staying silent. Eventually they will say fewer stupid things, their communication skills will improve. If I hold a stupid belief or opinion, and I never voice it, there's no one ever who could make me understand why the belief/opinion is stupid, meanwhile I'm wasting all this time with the bad belief. These types of advices are, as one would also expect listened only by people who shouldn't listen to the advice, and people who should, won't listen to it in the first place. So in the end it's people frustrated with other people talking too much giving out this type of advice without any thought on the consequences. The "better to remain silent..." to me is worst of them all due to the mindset it brings to the social situations. As if it's a constant performance who is able to give a smarter impression, while a better mindset is that social situations and conversations should be about learning, improving, connecting and having fun. Sharing your thoughts, making mistakes, saying stupid things, arguing, are all part of this. As a teenager I used to perceive most social situations as this sort of competition/performance, so I could never enjoy those situations since naturally the strategy I followed didn't make me become better at the competition. Only way I could've become better is if I actively participated and was okay with losing at least for a while. Now I'm trying to perceive social situations as something where I try to achieve the aforementioned goals (learning, improving, connecting and having fun) for the group as a whole rather than having a competition within the group. If I ever have a kid and if that kid gets natural disposition to being introvert or on the autistic side, which could be likely due to how genes work, I will make sure to do my best to inject the mindset I believe is more productive.
dalbasal 3y ago
Certainly agree on the "think more, talk less" front. I think we often forget or don't realize quite how central talking, and thinking about talking is thinking, is our thought process... or a substantial part of our thought process. How we figure out our values test them and learn to apply them. We get extremely attached to the stuff that flies out of our mouth, consider it "me." "You’ll seek only true friends who align with your values, and experiences that bring you purpose and fulfillment and you’ll find a calm quiet center within :)" Here is where I diverge. I think better conversational habits kind of lead to the opposite. True friends with very different values. A better, calmer separation of self from others, and hence a better ability to appreciate and love those that aren't like us, don't align with our values.
Kiro 3y ago
I don't like to talk about myself and I don't like listening to others talking about themselves, and that's all there is to human interaction so I rather skip it altogether.
- DonHopkins 3y ago
  1) You do to like to talk about yourself: you're doing it right now. 2) And you like to listen to others talking about themselves: you just read an article of somebody talking about themselves. 3) And you don't skip human interaction altogether: you just initiated it right now, too. Three in a row: You may not be very good at introspection, nor honest with yourself and others, but you do actually talk about yourself, listen to others talk about themselves, and initiate human interaction, so there is hope! You should get out more, and learn more about yourself and other people, because you have a lot of mistaken beliefs about yourself and others, and as much to unlearn as you have to learn. Sorry to talk about you so much, but you brought it up. Now I can get back to talking about myself!
shmde 3y ago
> Stop making every conversation about yourself And yet all your submissions are about yourself to increase traffic to your website. Oh the irony.
austin-cheney 3y ago
The described behaviors could be narcissism but are likely innocent ADHD. I have noticed that unmedicated highly ADHD persons will inject themselves into conversations they were never party to of close physical proximity and then redirect the conversation to their personal experiences. To the uninformed these behaviors look like narcissistic personality disorders, but they are not. They are instead multiple hyper-stimulus seeking behaviors devoid of context and patience. Also bear in mind many people are ADHD absent of a diagnosis or diagnosed well into adulthood.
- dragonwriter 3y ago
  Also, related, is autism info dumping. (And, similarly, lots of people undiagnosed.)
  - austin-cheney 3y ago
    I learned earlier this year what seems like autism to many people is just advanced ADHD. An autism diagnosis requires a psychological evaluation and consists of 3 parts of which one is centered solely upon social interaction adaptation. Unmedicated people with ADHD can have all of the characteristics of autism and still not achieve an autism diagnosis even with missing social skills for their age level. That’s unfortunate because delayed social skills will result in peer rejection which only increases the problem for young people.
boerseth 3y ago
I often look back at a comment I've written or email I've sent, and am annoyed at the number of paragraphs that start with "I ...". This one included! I think it looks odd when it's every single paragraph, so in extreme cases I will try to rewrite some of those sentences. With this metric in mind and considering the topic of the article, I think this comment section makes for an ironic and amusing skim. Although I guess it's totally reasonable to talk from one's own perspective when discussing a piece of life advice.
- 3np 3y ago
  The flip side of this is that at least you make the "I" explicit instead of overgeneralizing yourself. Counterintuitively, rewriting that into a version with less "I" could actually make it more egocentric (:
  - robertlagrant 3y ago
    Indeed - I see "a lot of people think that <my opinion>" in low quality political interviews. It's always fun when the interviewee just asks, "What people?"
- ant6n 3y ago
  I see what you did there in the second paragraph, hiding the „I“ after some participle clause. Not sure it works this way.
shrikant 3y ago
Nobody else has brought up the elephant in the room, so I will. OP: Your Substack is called "Thoguhts" and not "Thoughts" -- is this entirely because someone else is squatting on thoughts.substack.com? Or is there some additional "deeper" significance to the obvious mis-spelling?
- benatkin 3y ago
  the word seems to be a bit like like yoghurt - and a thought is kind of like a yoghurt culture in that it's formed of a lot of invisible entities (in the case of yoghurt, billions of microorganisms in probiotics, in the case of thoughts, the human brain has billions of neurons)
- Probiotic6081 3y ago
  I think its a delightful name for a blog!
notum 3y ago
Everything is a frontpage post nowadays. How about: just talk to people and don't be a twat? Enlightening.
- inglor_cz 3y ago
  That seems to be a very superficial and unactionable piece of advice. Fat? Just lose weight. Poor? Just make money. Depressed? Just cheer up. Stupid? Just study.
- mynameisvlad 3y ago
  Posts like this highlight that some people don’t know what is being a twat and what isn’t.
  - bobmaxup 3y ago
    Likely because there is no absolute way people percieve eachother?
    - mynameisvlad 3y ago
      I mean, sure. I was just highlighting how little use the parent comment had.
ta8645 3y ago
If I had something interesting to say about me, I'd make more conversations about myself. This has yet to be a problem.
theusus 3y ago
It is indeed obnoxious that the under person keeps picking parts of the conversation and making it about them. They keep repeating things. Ignoring what the others say.
blopker 3y ago
I've been running support groups for the last two years. While there are a few people who try to take all the space, most people enjoy the explicit permission (consent?) to talk about themselves. When they do, it's wonderful. We need more of it. However, I think the main point of the article isn't about talking less, it's about listening more. Specifically I found people get way more out of it when they aren't just waiting for their turn to speak, but really engaging with other people's stories. Then when it's their turn they haven't been thinking about what to say so what they do say often comes as a surprise to them. That's where the real catharsis happens.
mvirani 3y ago
why is this on top of hacker news? He even starts the article by blaming his mother.
hoseja 3y ago
Isn't "being an obnoxious extrovert" a winning strategy?
raybb 3y ago
Before I became a bit more natural with these things, I would often go to social events with a handful of questions pre-selected to ask people. It helped remove the burden of figuring out what to say in those first moments of silence after the how are you.
nextlevelwizard 3y ago
growing up I distinctly remember one evening, we were hanging out with couple friends/acquaintances and one guy called me out for always being there, but never participating in conversation. I thought that I just didn't have anything smart to contribute to most of the topics. I can't remember how or if that resolved, but from time to time that moment bubbles up in my mind.
xlii 3y ago
> Be more private. Think more speak less. Something to think about: ADHD prevalence is between 5-15%, depending on region/study. Excessive speech is an ADHD symptom. It's part of physiology and not curable.
- CPLX 3y ago
  Pretty sure it’s curable in the sense that someone can make a decision to talk less.
- bobmaxup 3y ago
  This is something that probably makes some very isolated? Not many people want to hear someone talk forever about nothing, which would lead to reprimanding and fear of reoccurance, avoidance, etc.
anon23432343 3y ago
Why is this on top of HN? Its a post that could be a tweet... Not well researched like a tweet... personal opinion like a tweet...
mattsieren 3y ago
I can highly recommend reading the book “I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships” by Michael S. Sorensen which not only provides useful examples but also paves the way to communicate and emphasize better. It’s been a real life changer for me personally.
boffinAudio 3y ago
There is a huge difference in values to be observed between an individual who is interested and one who is interesting. Interesting people are tiresome to be around and very rarely productive. If all you ever do is try everything possible to be interesting, you're boring. Interested people are a lot of fun and get the ball rolling on a lot of productive energy. If you take a great interest in others and pursue that interest, you make the group great. Its really that simple. Next time you find yourself nodding off around someone, count the times in the conversation they took an interest, versus the moments they spent trying to be as interesting as possible. You may observe a big release of energy by spotting this factor ..
mrweasel 3y ago
There's a song by John Grant song, GMF (Greatest Motherfucker), that made me painfully aware of me having the same issue. The line is: "I'm usually only waiting for you to stop talking so that I can"
darkwater 3y ago
This is basically an advice for extrovert people. Another advice for such people would be "stop repeating the same concept/anecdote every time we talk about that topic", but then they would probably stop being extrovert at all :) At least in my experience these two are the most common traits of extroverts (and I do wonder if there is any real connection to how their memory works).
lucideer 3y ago
I wonder how many HN readers need to read this - reluctant as I am to overgeneralise, my instinct would be: not many. And the comments seem to reflect that. I'm certainly someone for whom the opposite advice would be more in need - I think listening to people talk about themselves is something of a defence mechanism; avoiding letting people in.
da39a3ee 3y ago
> This post is actually just me talking about me
owenversteeg 3y ago
I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have friends that typically talk very little about themselves - few short sentences and back to you - and that works too! You can be the kind of person who uses someone’s name all the time or literally never uses it and BOTH of those work just fine. You know what doesn’t work though? Weird advice about making it about them, or mentioning their name X times, or other specific rules. You can spot someone who just read How To Make Friends or whatever else a mile away - why? Because they seem to be nervously following some invisible rule and it ends up making them seem like a kid from the school paper conducting their first interview. You know what DOES work every time? Having a relaxed, natural conversation! “Have a few beers and relax and just talk normally” is better advice than any blog post or self help book out there.
- distcs 3y ago
  If you do not want to see articles like this on HN, you can always flag it to seek moderator attention. The author aksh7i seems to be using HN purely for self promotion who posts self-help (and dare I say, offtopic) stuff like this. Their last post was flagged too: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 And in the first comment in that flagged article, they were made aware of their inappropriate and blatant self-promotional behavior: > OP, every single one of your submissions is a blog post of your own, and every single one of your comments is a non sequitur on one of those submissions, apparently in an attempt to boost it. Get that kind of drivel off HN. > Also, this particular article is nearly 100% insight-free, rehashed, productivity influencer pablum. They choose to continue spamming HN regardless.
- ShamelessC 3y ago
  certain personality types don’t just talk about themselves but rather lack awareness of others and don’t know how to read the room, as you suggest they should. Really, these people are unlikely to change, much less realize they are bothering anyone or appear selfish. And indeed, trying to follow a set of rules laid out on the internet would just shine a light on it.
artembugara 3y ago
The title of this post is also great advice to many tech/dev people who start doing sales. Don't try to fit your solution to everyone. Listen to what is actually a problem and solve it. You don't have to talk about this cool app you've built. It's not about you or your product, it's about someone's problem
saltserv 3y ago
[flagged]
defanor 3y ago
[flagged]
distcs 3y ago
Beware! This is an article from a spam account! See: * https://news.ycombinator.com/submitted?id=aksh7i https://news.ycombinator.com/submitted?id=aksh7i (100% self promotion) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 (flagged) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37966657 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37966657 (warned) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38067963 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38067963 (dead) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38187431 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38187431 (flagged and dead) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38188099 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38188099 (warned again) * https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=aksh7i https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=aksh7i (incoherent comments)
marstall 3y ago
when beginning a new interaction, I try to remember to "read the room" first, a mostly non-linear/non-verbal process that involves a lot of mimetic movement and eye contact that is governed subconsciously. Then I can take part in the dance of chat better. Conversation is often best when it has a fast cadence and a lightness and humor to it. And charming qualities like self-deprecation, showing appreciation, going along with others' vibe etc. Many people here are talking about "sharing" and "listening" - but that can be quite a dull and mechanical back and forth pattern! Facts, opinions and personal anecdotes, far from being the lifeblood of good conversation, tend to weigh it down instead, like pressing pause on the music.
notacoward 3y ago
Yes, stop making every conversation about yourself. No, do not stop sharing your knowledge and experiences. This article is like someone who once had a meal that was overcooked, and insists that all food should be eaten raw ever thereafter.

168 points by aksh7i 3y ago

Cypher 3y ago

How am I suppose to embody the world if I can't talk about myself?

Cthulhu_ 3y ago
You're aware of the problem, that's a good first step. The next step is wanting to fix it; your phrasing indicates there's something blocking you, have you tried looking into that? I'm not saying "go to therapy" but it might help to look around.

sourcecodeplz 3y ago

Don’t WAIT for your turn to talk.

aksh7i 3y ago

[flagged]

TheSpiceIsLife 3y ago
Interesting use of tense.
user_named 3y ago
[flagged]
underdeserver 3y ago
Ironic, using the word "I" three times in an article with that title.
andirk 3y ago
This is very common. Pretty annoying at first, but once I notice someone does that on the constant, I can zone out while they try to divert the story, and then return to continue the natural path of the convo. If it's every other sentence in a group setting, then I play a game of "how will that person turn THAT sentence into something about them?" It's a forgivable trait! But notice when you do it so you can be more present and empathetic. Discussion is more fun when it can go in so many directions rather than just funnel to oneself! :)
chki 3y ago
Is this a test to see whether people actually read the article? Because this is just copy-pasting the first paragraph. Edit: Looking at the comment history this is a spam account that constantly posts random snippets from the articles without any other indication.

Quinzel 3y ago

> I was an obnoxious extrovert who had no privacy, shared everything online, and never thought before I spoke. It’s almost like they’re describing me. > Whereas true happiness comes from finding the quiet calm, the ‘home’ within you. Once you find this place, you’ll see that your friend list is narrowed down. I think I need to meditate more!

reedf1 3y ago
Careful because mediation can easily become performative (even to oneself). I've noticed this in some of my highly conscientious colleagues. Maybe it's "grindset" ideaology, but capturing the "point" of meditation takes much more than a scheduled 6 minute breathing session at precisely the butt-crack of dawn.
- Leo_Germond 3y ago
  6 minutes seems awfully short, I havent practiced meditation for a long time but my sessions where 20, 30 or 60 minutes long, it takes time for the mind to settle down and to benefit fully from flowing consciousness. Anything less would feel like a rush job, which is kinda paradoxical for meditation.
  - Quinzel 3y ago
    Did it take you a while to be able to meditate for 60 minutes??
    - Leo_Germond 3y ago
      If you practice it daily, after about a week pushing that to 60 minutes shouldn't be too hard, it's not physical after all. What's important is to have a great setup so that it's super comfy for you to stay a long time without moving: hot, background noise should stay low, use some mat or pillow to sit on, and here you go...
      - Quinzel 3y ago

Indoctus 3y ago

[flagged]

JR1427 3y ago

Click on article. Discover I have to sign in to read. No thanks.

uxp100 3y ago
Are you sure, or is just the typical substack popover with the continue reading button? (It isn’t really worth going back for, very short with basically no content)
- seszett 3y ago
  The popover does seem to require entering an email address before clicking on "continue reading". It actually doesn't, but it's not obvious and although this time I did click on the right button, I know there are at least a few times where I've just closed the tab because I thought I had to register or give an email address or whatever.
- bell-cot 3y ago
  > (It isn't really worth going back for... Yep. It was trivial for me to read (Default "off" for js, view source) - but still not worth the time.
- JR1427 3y ago
  Thanks for the followup. I guess my reaction is partly just that if a site wants to immediately spam me and try and grab some details, then I don't want to be there. On a related note, I'm usually a fan of the EU, but the mandatory cookie policy popup must be the worst piece of legislation in the history of the world. Very annoying, and absolutely doesn't solve the problem.
- barryrandall 3y ago
  Is it even worth trying to differentiate? If you see a modal popover, just close the tab. If it was interesting, it'll get reposted somewhere without the modal.

lopis 3y ago

Most people love talking about themselves. So it's actually quite easy to be a good listener if you care to stop and listen.

paulmooreparks 3y ago
I'm quite shy and don't enjoy talking, so I've learned to ask gentle but leading questions to encourage other people to talk, even if I already know the answer. It really works.
stupidcar 3y ago
This is often quoted advice, but like many things it’s only true in moderation. People who take it too literally come across like therapists or interviewers. Some people are not comfortable talking about themselves, and most well adjusted people don’t want to talk endlessly about themselves. A good conversation should usually be an exchange.

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]

DanHulton 3y ago

The irony.

squigz 3y ago
Can you elaborate?
- toyg 3y ago
  Talking about himself while writing a post about not always talking about himself. To be fair, the author acknowledges the paradox mid-post.
  - squigz 3y ago
    Well I'm pretty sure he's not saying to never talk about oneself either
Cthulhu_ 3y ago
The author is self-aware at least; I do think that the internet (blog posts, social media, comment sections) have something to do with the phenomenon described, since most people will share their own experience or opinion on something; slow form things like comment sections aren't very condusive for back-and-forth communication.

gulyams 3y ago

This describes me well. How can you find the inner home? How can you be more conscious during conversations? I often come from an interaction with someone thinking: "God, I talked way too much. Should've listened more."

Cthulhu_ 3y ago
I can't give much advice there, other than be conscious/mindful and practice. Learn to pause between sentences, breathe, ask questions, listen, don't move to a next subject, etc. I think a lot of people have a fear that their soap box will be taken away if they don't fill the space, which... unfortunately isn't wrong because others love to hear themselves talk too. But yeah, it takes conscious effort and practice.
bacza2 3y ago
You might have heard it from other places but meditation. It's literally training you to be present with your thoughts and knowing what exactly is happening in your mind at the moment (and letting it go). Once you start meditating regularly you can observe that you got tangled up in thoughts quite early on and pull yourself back. As many practitioners say it helps to create space between impulse and action.

upupupandaway 3y ago

I feel like social media made this trait almost into an epidemic.

thm 3y ago
https://xkcd.com/386/ https://xkcd.com/386/
Cthulhu_ 3y ago
For sure, most social media activity is sharing something about yourself (activities, etc), and it often feels like any interactions with others have an ulterior motive of getting something in return.

rockbruno 3y ago

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

andirk 3y ago
I know your type and it's great! But yes, a connection is a dance, so if I'm getting pelted with these seemingly reasonable questions (read: "and how did that make you feel?"), they start feeling insincere.
- Aromasin 3y ago
  I can't tell you how many people I know who must have read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" once and became parrots whose only contribution to the conversation was to ask me questions and say my name repeatedly. That does not make a good conversationalist.
slowhadoken 3y ago
There is a balance. I often tell people a funny anecdote to loosen them up and break the ice. It’s work entertaining people all night though. Back and forth is best.
plufz 3y ago
I still have this problem, I have friends but when we talk I often drift to make conversations about them. I think it is a difficult habit to get out of, and it feels awkward to say things about myself without getting an explicit question. For a long time I just thought people were rude but nowdays I understand the problem to a big part is with me. I have started to talk more about subjects that interest me since that doesnt make me feel as egocentric as straight up talking about myself. It feels like a step in the right direction…
- taopai 3y ago

scrapheap 3y ago

I'm more than happy to hear people talking about themselves - I just wish people would remember that they've already told me a story before. The third time you hear about someone's school days when they did X, Y and Z can get a bit boring :D

dsego 3y ago
You can always politely remind the person that you've heard it before. Skip to expressing amusement or other before they finish the story.
lynx23 3y ago
Oh yeah. I have good conversational memory. Hearing the same story three times is usually when I start to doubt the other persons memory. However, they have a different task to solve. I only have to concentrate on what they are telling me, and that makes repetition detection easier. However, they likely told the same story to numberous people, so they are used to repetitions, but they have no (good) mechanism to detect when they tell the same story to the same person.
- TeMPOraL 3y ago
  > they likely told the same story to numberous people, so they are used to repetitions, but they have no (good) mechanism to detect when they tell the same story to the same person. Maybe, but then there was that person I was close enough to, that I knew for a fact I was one of up to three people she told some of the stories to, and yet I'd still hear those stories repeatedly, on a weekly or monthly basis. So at least in that one case, I feel she must've adopted a completely stateless approach to conversation. As in, there wouldn't even be an attempt to recall she told me that exact same story just a few days before, much less that it's at least the fifth time I heard this within last 6 months. I guess "having your heart on your tongue", as 'teekert puts it, would be an apt description. It's only now that it clicked for me that this is, in fact, a viable approach some people might have naturally adopted. Maybe it's even a superior one, as it keeps the state in the relationship.
  - 3y ago

andirk 3y ago

A dating advice, for a guy, is "70/30"; Let her speak 70%, you speak 30%. People really like to share their own knowledge because that is their comfort zone, especially about themself. When I throw a few cocktails back, I can get too comfortable with ranting, so I try to stfu every couple minutes to let others take the reins just in case I'm being overzealous (which is also embarrassing).

chatgptbad 3y ago
[flagged]
passion__desire 3y ago
In that 30%, try to have maximum impact. That's the reason, clever, witty guys are admired.
- AlecSchueler 3y ago
  Different women have different tastes.
  - aurareturn 3y ago
    Some women like skinny guys. Most women like muscular guys who can make them feel protected.
    - AlecSchueler 3y ago
      I'm sorry but that's just sexist nonsense based more in male fantasy than any actual research amongst women.
      - aurareturn 3y ago
        There's been tons of studies confirming what I wrote. In some studies, 100% of the women chose the muscular body type over the skinny type for an ideal male body. But yes, let's ignore all the research and basic instinct because you want to be politically correct.

slowhadoken 3y ago

Worse than that are people that turn a subject into an opportunity to talk about themself. It’s always the clue I’m talking to a narcissist. They’re always offended, demanding answers, rephrasing what you’ve said, attracting negative attention and blaming you for it.

DonHopkins 3y ago
I think the whole world is already extremely familiar with how Donald Trump thinks and acts and talks by now, and why he is such a horrible un-empathic person and a menace to society, who is absolutely unqualified to hold office. See? That wasn't about myself at all. That's how it's done.
- slowhadoken 3y ago
  It’s consumerisms effect on people in general. It drives them into lower states of consciousness. The ceiling for mindfulness becomes individualism, which is decent but ultimately a state of arrested development. David Foster Wallace cautioned the public about it.

beardyw 3y ago

It's like the old story of an actor: ".. anyway that's enough talk about me. What did YOU think about my performance."

teekert 3y ago
Hahaha, this is a genuine tactic people use to keep it about themselves indeed. Good one.
DonHopkins 3y ago
Like when an SNL host tries to make their monologue all about themself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiVUrOgxhf0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiVUrOgxhf0 Sometime even a seasoned professional can't get it right. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMFclAw6rnY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMFclAw6rnY And then they have to improvise. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtnBumt82_Y https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtnBumt82_Y Finally they may notice another actor on stage, find themselves listening, and make the beast with two backs, but only to further their own career. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRkZYdWCe7w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRkZYdWCe7w

rayxi271828 3y ago

Interesting. I had to make a conscious effort to go the other way around, i.e.: to talk more about me. I grew up reading too many books aimed at the extroverts among us ("There's a reason we have 1 mouth and 2 ears!"; "Silence is golden!"). It's hard to underestimate missed opportunities because a shy introvert (me back then) took and (mis)applied advice meant for extroverts who were already unable to stop talking about themselves. I became virtually invisible. Not good for my career, for my social life, or for my success with women. I realized much, much later, that to advance in my career, to have a social standing within a group, to be accepted and to have my opinions valued, I HAD to speak up. I HAD to sometimes convey forcefully a personal point of view. That's what makes a person interesting. Nobody remembers a nobody who "listened to me all night long". That only works if you're already somebody that people wouldn't expect to listen to them all night long in the first place! Sadly, very seldom this kind of advice comes with the correct nuances, in which situation it applies, etc.

Cthulhu_ 3y ago
To add to your experience, there's also a group of people that grew up and lived their adult life so isolated that they will start dumping on anyone that shows a little interest, smothering them. I know I'm guilty of that sometimes.
- TeMPOraL 3y ago
  Then there are those among them with enough self-reflection to find a therapist to subject to the story of their life, instead of some random civilians. But when even the therapist can't keep up and starts being sucked down the whirlpool of criss-crossing plot threads, what then?
mewpmewp2 3y ago
Exactly. I was also given feedback I should talk and express my opinion more, only later in my life. I was given this professionally, and it's possibly been one of the best advice I've received in terms of my life, it's weird it took me to get to the position of having a career and no one else before that thought to give it. When growing up I also listened to those statements as you said, in addition I would like to bring out the very common "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt". This type of sentiment actually gave me performance anxiety. Thinking people are constantly evaluating you, and at any given time if you speak you could significantly lose that rating. In which case it's always best to stay with the "neutral" or whichever rating. I thought it would be okay to kind of be this "strong, smart, mysteriously silent type". Unfortunately if you actually follow this strategy, you will be left behind, because people who do talk, and say things that are stupid, are more likely to learn to talk better than anyone staying silent. Eventually they will say fewer stupid things, their communication skills will improve. If I hold a stupid belief or opinion, and I never voice it, there's no one ever who could make me understand why the belief/opinion is stupid, meanwhile I'm wasting all this time with the bad belief. These types of advices are, as one would also expect listened only by people who shouldn't listen to the advice, and people who should, won't listen to it in the first place. So in the end it's people frustrated with other people talking too much giving out this type of advice without any thought on the consequences. The "better to remain silent..." to me is worst of them all due to the mindset it brings to the social situations. As if it's a constant performance who is able to give a smarter impression, while a better mindset is that social situations and conversations should be about learning, improving, connecting and having fun. Sharing your thoughts, making mistakes, saying stupid things, arguing, are all part of this. As a teenager I used to perceive most social situations as this sort of competition/performance, so I could never enjoy those situations since naturally the strategy I followed didn't make me become better at the competition. Only way I could've become better is if I actively participated and was okay with losing at least for a while. Now I'm trying to perceive social situations as something where I try to achieve the aforementioned goals (learning, improving, connecting and having fun) for the group as a whole rather than having a competition within the group. If I ever have a kid and if that kid gets natural disposition to being introvert or on the autistic side, which could be likely due to how genes work, I will make sure to do my best to inject the mindset I believe is more productive.

dalbasal 3y ago

Certainly agree on the "think more, talk less" front. I think we often forget or don't realize quite how central talking, and thinking about talking is thinking, is our thought process... or a substantial part of our thought process. How we figure out our values test them and learn to apply them. We get extremely attached to the stuff that flies out of our mouth, consider it "me." "You’ll seek only true friends who align with your values, and experiences that bring you purpose and fulfillment and you’ll find a calm quiet center within :)" Here is where I diverge. I think better conversational habits kind of lead to the opposite. True friends with very different values. A better, calmer separation of self from others, and hence a better ability to appreciate and love those that aren't like us, don't align with our values.

Kiro 3y ago

I don't like to talk about myself and I don't like listening to others talking about themselves, and that's all there is to human interaction so I rather skip it altogether.

DonHopkins 3y ago
1) You do to like to talk about yourself: you're doing it right now. 2) And you like to listen to others talking about themselves: you just read an article of somebody talking about themselves. 3) And you don't skip human interaction altogether: you just initiated it right now, too. Three in a row: You may not be very good at introspection, nor honest with yourself and others, but you do actually talk about yourself, listen to others talk about themselves, and initiate human interaction, so there is hope! You should get out more, and learn more about yourself and other people, because you have a lot of mistaken beliefs about yourself and others, and as much to unlearn as you have to learn. Sorry to talk about you so much, but you brought it up. Now I can get back to talking about myself!

shmde 3y ago

> Stop making every conversation about yourself And yet all your submissions are about yourself to increase traffic to your website. Oh the irony.

austin-cheney 3y ago

The described behaviors could be narcissism but are likely innocent ADHD. I have noticed that unmedicated highly ADHD persons will inject themselves into conversations they were never party to of close physical proximity and then redirect the conversation to their personal experiences. To the uninformed these behaviors look like narcissistic personality disorders, but they are not. They are instead multiple hyper-stimulus seeking behaviors devoid of context and patience. Also bear in mind many people are ADHD absent of a diagnosis or diagnosed well into adulthood.

dragonwriter 3y ago
Also, related, is autism info dumping. (And, similarly, lots of people undiagnosed.)
- austin-cheney 3y ago
  I learned earlier this year what seems like autism to many people is just advanced ADHD. An autism diagnosis requires a psychological evaluation and consists of 3 parts of which one is centered solely upon social interaction adaptation. Unmedicated people with ADHD can have all of the characteristics of autism and still not achieve an autism diagnosis even with missing social skills for their age level. That’s unfortunate because delayed social skills will result in peer rejection which only increases the problem for young people.

boerseth 3y ago

I often look back at a comment I've written or email I've sent, and am annoyed at the number of paragraphs that start with "I ...". This one included! I think it looks odd when it's every single paragraph, so in extreme cases I will try to rewrite some of those sentences. With this metric in mind and considering the topic of the article, I think this comment section makes for an ironic and amusing skim. Although I guess it's totally reasonable to talk from one's own perspective when discussing a piece of life advice.

3np 3y ago
The flip side of this is that at least you make the "I" explicit instead of overgeneralizing yourself. Counterintuitively, rewriting that into a version with less "I" could actually make it more egocentric (:
- robertlagrant 3y ago
  Indeed - I see "a lot of people think that <my opinion>" in low quality political interviews. It's always fun when the interviewee just asks, "What people?"
ant6n 3y ago
I see what you did there in the second paragraph, hiding the „I“ after some participle clause. Not sure it works this way.

shrikant 3y ago

Nobody else has brought up the elephant in the room, so I will. OP: Your Substack is called "Thoguhts" and not "Thoughts" -- is this entirely because someone else is squatting on thoughts.substack.com? Or is there some additional "deeper" significance to the obvious mis-spelling?

benatkin 3y ago
the word seems to be a bit like like yoghurt - and a thought is kind of like a yoghurt culture in that it's formed of a lot of invisible entities (in the case of yoghurt, billions of microorganisms in probiotics, in the case of thoughts, the human brain has billions of neurons)
Probiotic6081 3y ago
I think its a delightful name for a blog!

notum 3y ago

Everything is a frontpage post nowadays. How about: just talk to people and don't be a twat? Enlightening.

inglor_cz 3y ago
That seems to be a very superficial and unactionable piece of advice. Fat? Just lose weight. Poor? Just make money. Depressed? Just cheer up. Stupid? Just study.
mynameisvlad 3y ago
Posts like this highlight that some people don’t know what is being a twat and what isn’t.
- bobmaxup 3y ago
  Likely because there is no absolute way people percieve eachother?
  - mynameisvlad 3y ago
    I mean, sure. I was just highlighting how little use the parent comment had.

ta8645 3y ago

If I had something interesting to say about me, I'd make more conversations about myself. This has yet to be a problem.

theusus 3y ago

It is indeed obnoxious that the under person keeps picking parts of the conversation and making it about them. They keep repeating things. Ignoring what the others say.

blopker 3y ago

I've been running support groups for the last two years. While there are a few people who try to take all the space, most people enjoy the explicit permission (consent?) to talk about themselves. When they do, it's wonderful. We need more of it. However, I think the main point of the article isn't about talking less, it's about listening more. Specifically I found people get way more out of it when they aren't just waiting for their turn to speak, but really engaging with other people's stories. Then when it's their turn they haven't been thinking about what to say so what they do say often comes as a surprise to them. That's where the real catharsis happens.

mvirani 3y ago

why is this on top of hacker news? He even starts the article by blaming his mother.

hoseja 3y ago

Isn't "being an obnoxious extrovert" a winning strategy?

raybb 3y ago

Before I became a bit more natural with these things, I would often go to social events with a handful of questions pre-selected to ask people. It helped remove the burden of figuring out what to say in those first moments of silence after the how are you.

nextlevelwizard 3y ago

growing up I distinctly remember one evening, we were hanging out with couple friends/acquaintances and one guy called me out for always being there, but never participating in conversation. I thought that I just didn't have anything smart to contribute to most of the topics. I can't remember how or if that resolved, but from time to time that moment bubbles up in my mind.

xlii 3y ago

> Be more private. Think more speak less. Something to think about: ADHD prevalence is between 5-15%, depending on region/study. Excessive speech is an ADHD symptom. It's part of physiology and not curable.

CPLX 3y ago
Pretty sure it’s curable in the sense that someone can make a decision to talk less.
bobmaxup 3y ago
This is something that probably makes some very isolated? Not many people want to hear someone talk forever about nothing, which would lead to reprimanding and fear of reoccurance, avoidance, etc.

anon23432343 3y ago

Why is this on top of HN? Its a post that could be a tweet... Not well researched like a tweet... personal opinion like a tweet...

mattsieren 3y ago

I can highly recommend reading the book “I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships” by Michael S. Sorensen which not only provides useful examples but also paves the way to communicate and emphasize better. It’s been a real life changer for me personally.

boffinAudio 3y ago

There is a huge difference in values to be observed between an individual who is interested and one who is interesting. Interesting people are tiresome to be around and very rarely productive. If all you ever do is try everything possible to be interesting, you're boring. Interested people are a lot of fun and get the ball rolling on a lot of productive energy. If you take a great interest in others and pursue that interest, you make the group great. Its really that simple. Next time you find yourself nodding off around someone, count the times in the conversation they took an interest, versus the moments they spent trying to be as interesting as possible. You may observe a big release of energy by spotting this factor ..

mrweasel 3y ago

There's a song by John Grant song, GMF (Greatest Motherfucker), that made me painfully aware of me having the same issue. The line is: "I'm usually only waiting for you to stop talking so that I can"

darkwater 3y ago

This is basically an advice for extrovert people. Another advice for such people would be "stop repeating the same concept/anecdote every time we talk about that topic", but then they would probably stop being extrovert at all :) At least in my experience these two are the most common traits of extroverts (and I do wonder if there is any real connection to how their memory works).

lucideer 3y ago

I wonder how many HN readers need to read this - reluctant as I am to overgeneralise, my instinct would be: not many. And the comments seem to reflect that. I'm certainly someone for whom the opposite advice would be more in need - I think listening to people talk about themselves is something of a defence mechanism; avoiding letting people in.

da39a3ee 3y ago

> This post is actually just me talking about me

owenversteeg 3y ago

I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have friends that typically talk very little about themselves - few short sentences and back to you - and that works too! You can be the kind of person who uses someone’s name all the time or literally never uses it and BOTH of those work just fine. You know what doesn’t work though? Weird advice about making it about them, or mentioning their name X times, or other specific rules. You can spot someone who just read How To Make Friends or whatever else a mile away - why? Because they seem to be nervously following some invisible rule and it ends up making them seem like a kid from the school paper conducting their first interview. You know what DOES work every time? Having a relaxed, natural conversation! “Have a few beers and relax and just talk normally” is better advice than any blog post or self help book out there.

distcs 3y ago
If you do not want to see articles like this on HN, you can always flag it to seek moderator attention. The author aksh7i seems to be using HN purely for self promotion who posts self-help (and dare I say, offtopic) stuff like this. Their last post was flagged too: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 And in the first comment in that flagged article, they were made aware of their inappropriate and blatant self-promotional behavior: > OP, every single one of your submissions is a blog post of your own, and every single one of your comments is a non sequitur on one of those submissions, apparently in an attempt to boost it. Get that kind of drivel off HN. > Also, this particular article is nearly 100% insight-free, rehashed, productivity influencer pablum. They choose to continue spamming HN regardless.
ShamelessC 3y ago
certain personality types don’t just talk about themselves but rather lack awareness of others and don’t know how to read the room, as you suggest they should. Really, these people are unlikely to change, much less realize they are bothering anyone or appear selfish. And indeed, trying to follow a set of rules laid out on the internet would just shine a light on it.

artembugara 3y ago

The title of this post is also great advice to many tech/dev people who start doing sales. Don't try to fit your solution to everyone. Listen to what is actually a problem and solve it. You don't have to talk about this cool app you've built. It's not about you or your product, it's about someone's problem

saltserv 3y ago

[flagged]

defanor 3y ago

[flagged]

distcs 3y ago

Beware! This is an article from a spam account! See: * https://news.ycombinator.com/submitted?id=aksh7i https://news.ycombinator.com/submitted?id=aksh7i (100% self promotion) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 (flagged) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37966657 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37966657 (warned) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38067963 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38067963 (dead) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38187431 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38187431 (flagged and dead) * https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38188099 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38188099 (warned again) * https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=aksh7i https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=aksh7i (incoherent comments)

marstall 3y ago

when beginning a new interaction, I try to remember to "read the room" first, a mostly non-linear/non-verbal process that involves a lot of mimetic movement and eye contact that is governed subconsciously. Then I can take part in the dance of chat better. Conversation is often best when it has a fast cadence and a lightness and humor to it. And charming qualities like self-deprecation, showing appreciation, going along with others' vibe etc. Many people here are talking about "sharing" and "listening" - but that can be quite a dull and mechanical back and forth pattern! Facts, opinions and personal anecdotes, far from being the lifeblood of good conversation, tend to weigh it down instead, like pressing pause on the music.

notacoward 3y ago

Yes, stop making every conversation about yourself. No, do not stop sharing your knowledge and experiences. This article is like someone who once had a meal that was overcooked, and insists that all food should be eaten raw ever thereafter.