4 ms·

Would love to hear about the challenges of introvert dads and the struggles to reconcile needs for personal space with the ceaseless demands of toddlers

pixl97 3y ago
I'm pretty highly introverted and a father. Again for the most part individual interactions are not really tiring for me. This may affect some introverts more than others though. Now, taking toddler to $event with lots of other families/children, well that's work.
mortallywounded 3y ago
Rejoice when we go to the bathroom, and rejoice when the kids are finally asleep.
- xyzzy123 3y ago
  I never imagined I would consider going to the bathroom alone as "luxurious me time".
  - mortallywounded 3y ago
    You either need to become a parent, an introvert, or both!
bafe 3y ago
As an introvert who's going to marry soon, that's the reason I told my wife to be that I'm not too keen on having children. I wouldn't want to neglect them but I feel like I need more personal space than the average parent
pavel_lishin 3y ago
Honestly, the toddler phase wasn't that difficult for me as an introvert; it's when they start really talking and really wanting to play with you in more structured ways that it gets more difficult - once they become a person.
- pmarreck 3y ago
  that’s odd because I feel like I can’t wait for that part!
  - pavel_lishin 3y ago
    Oh, you're right to be excited about it - being a parent becomes so much better and more rewarding once they're a little person! Sure, some things become more difficult, but it also gets a lot more fun.
dottjt 3y ago
This is actually something I've been concerned about as an introverted dad. I just had a child about a month and a half ago, and the one thing I've absolutely mourned is the loss of my personal time. So much so that I think I might be one and done. The idea of losing more personal time makes me beyond depressed. That's not to say that I don't love the child and that I haven't adjusted to looking after them, nor that I don't enjoy spending time with them, however it's affected my happiness in a way that doesn't add up. For further context, it's not that I don't enjoy socialising. I think it's great, however I also absolutely must have my alone time as a no. 1 priority. While I have fun socialising, it's also something I could literally do without.
- oaththrowaway 3y ago
  Honestly I have found that I have been able to complete more personal projects since I've had kids.
  - charlie0 3y ago
    How?
    - oaththrowaway 3y ago
      I'm not sure. It's probably a mental switch? Something happened pretty early on after my first kid and I really buckled down and focused on my career and personal goals and I've made the time. I do play a lot less video games though, I'm sure that helps as well.
      - sho_hn 3y ago
        I've heard from other Dads that having a kid vastly improved their time management skills and they only realized after how much time they were leaving unused before. Even with kids, the over-under shakes out better for them. May be a muscle you train, so to speak.
  - dottjt 3y ago
oaththrowaway 3y ago
Snuggling/holding babies and toddlers is my favorite thing ever. If my kids never aged past 18 months I'd be happy forever. As my kids get older it's harder and I need that space.
- SanderNL 3y ago
  You have kids that want to snuggle? I wonder what that’s like.
  - oaththrowaway 3y ago
    It was great while it lasted
- saghm 3y ago
  The closest thing to this is just having cats. I literally can't lie down without my cat excitedly running over and hopping onto my chest to take a nap. My other cat is more of the toddler stage; he runs around and wants to play all the time and always wants to know what I'm doing. They're both adorable and affectionate, and they know how to poop in a box and won't ever need my fiancee or me to pay for them to go to college.
Buttons840 3y ago
That's me. I have a 9 year old. When she was young I decided to stop the usual passive aggressive signals I would send out when I wanted to be alone, instead I'm explicit and kind, I'll just say "will you please go out of my room now, I want to be alone for awhile". Later, I'll tell her "you can come an be play in my room if you want". I know it has made her feel bad sometimes, but I'm convinced it minimizes the damage. As parents, we can't avoid causing some emotional damage, but hopefully we can minimize it and make it a constructive learning experience. I hope that my explicit messages teach her that sometimes Dad needs to be alone and sometimes she has to be lonely and entertain herself. Hard lessons, but lessons that need to be learned one way or another. Who knows what the chaotic passive aggressive signals my younger self used to send would have taught her.
willcipriano 3y ago
People have accused me of being introverted. I don't feel that way so it may be different for you. Most adults I meet are quite boring. Children don't bore me. We have a lot to talk about, they don't know much of anything about the world. If you learn to understand a toddlers needs they won't cry all that often. A child resting their head on my chest doesn't hurt like a adult head does. I don't mind them being close to me they don't take up much room. Children respect consistently enforced boundaries better than adults. Mainly beacuse its hard to punish other adults when they over step them. Children are innocent, if they have ulterior motives they are easy to figure out. Adults aren't innocent and you have to keep your guard up when dealing with them.
threeio 3y ago
Teach them to be proper introverts who can entertain themselves with a book, etc. Toddler life is only for so long... the transition to weekend soccer games where people expect you to remember who they are because you were on a team three years ago and said hi once... thats the real challenge :)
xyzzy123 3y ago
Kids 7, 5, 3, being honest I never squared that circle. All I can say is, they're not toddlers for that long in the grand scheme of things. I think a lot depends on how supportive your partner and care network can be, and your financial circumstances. Personally I struggled a lot, we live away from family and my partner also works. In the end I had to accept that you only really have their adoration and attention for a limited amount of time, I put most of my projects and hobbies on hold, scaled back work a bit, gave them all the attention I could and made the most of whatever downtime available to maintain sanity. A lot of things just had to give.
- warner25 3y ago
  Four kids, similar ages, and I've reached similar conclusions. It's humbling. My oldest is now 9 and I'm starting to see how quickly the dynamic changes, like you said about not being toddlers for long. She might already be happy to read books and play computer games by herself all day, and I sometimes need to seek out conversations to maintain a connection with her. My friends with teenagers say that they almost never see them.
- dottjt 3y ago
  A question I have is why did you have more kids in-spite of this? How did you justify the struggle, or rather did you have no choice but to justify the struggle? Would you have preferred in retrospect to have less children, if had to be really honest with yourself? Or do you think you made the right decision?
  - xyzzy123 3y ago
    It's a great question. When I thought of my "ideal" future I always imagined a family in it. I didn't really know how or if would happen for me, but I was always open to the possibility and tried to nudge my life down paths that could make it happen. I really had no idea how difficult it would be for me as an introvert / spectrum adjacent. I was never particularly reflective or insightful about my own needs for space, time and agency because these things had never been in short supply in my life before. I thought I had an idea of what it would be like - but I was a long way off. Partly I think this is because expectations of fathers today are very different to what I grew up with and what was modelled by my dad & stepdad. On a day-to-day basis the "responsibility" side feels a lot like running a small business with your partner that provides childcare, education, housing, cleaning services, meals, entertainment etc. Your time is not your own, any commitment you make tends to be binding on your partner as well (because you are committing them to keeping "the business" running during that time) and vice-versa. My partner is the kind of person who lives by what is filled in in the calendar, to her the "blank spaces" are waste, she will try to fill every day with appointments and commitments. For me, the "filled in" slots in my calendar are only for things I can't avoid and my life happens in the "blank spaces". That's been the biggest source of conflict in our relationship and it's required a lot of negotiation and adjustment for both of us. It surprised both of us how incompatible we were in this aspect because our time never came under such pressure before kids. Why did we keep having more? There's a weird amnesia that can happen a couple of years after you have a baby, where if things are going ok, you sort of mentally blank out the difficulties... I think some degree of struggle is part of the whole thing for almost everyone, for me there was just a lot of psychological adjustment that needed to happen to be a functional parent. Now I find it hard to even imagine "me without kids at this age" anymore. My life isn't what I expected it would be - it's more complicated - but I regret nothing. I feel really grateful the kids are part of my life.
dave333 3y ago
As a married introvert dad for 2 girls and now 2 granddaughters I would say you can find tons of things to do with them that everyone enjoys and doesn't feel like you are losing your personal time. E.g. reading bedtime stories, making a living room fort with boxes and bedsheets, sports like soccer golf or tennis in the house or backyard, paper airplanes, boardgames and so on. I found that I came out of my shell with the kids and this gradually transferred into the rest of my life.

pixl97 3y ago

I'm pretty highly introverted and a father. Again for the most part individual interactions are not really tiring for me. This may affect some introverts more than others though. Now, taking toddler to $event with lots of other families/children, well that's work.

mortallywounded 3y ago

Rejoice when we go to the bathroom, and rejoice when the kids are finally asleep.

xyzzy123 3y ago
I never imagined I would consider going to the bathroom alone as "luxurious me time".
- mortallywounded 3y ago
  You either need to become a parent, an introvert, or both!

bafe 3y ago

As an introvert who's going to marry soon, that's the reason I told my wife to be that I'm not too keen on having children. I wouldn't want to neglect them but I feel like I need more personal space than the average parent

pavel_lishin 3y ago

Honestly, the toddler phase wasn't that difficult for me as an introvert; it's when they start really talking and really wanting to play with you in more structured ways that it gets more difficult - once they become a person.

pmarreck 3y ago
that’s odd because I feel like I can’t wait for that part!
- pavel_lishin 3y ago
  Oh, you're right to be excited about it - being a parent becomes so much better and more rewarding once they're a little person! Sure, some things become more difficult, but it also gets a lot more fun.

dottjt 3y ago

This is actually something I've been concerned about as an introverted dad. I just had a child about a month and a half ago, and the one thing I've absolutely mourned is the loss of my personal time. So much so that I think I might be one and done. The idea of losing more personal time makes me beyond depressed. That's not to say that I don't love the child and that I haven't adjusted to looking after them, nor that I don't enjoy spending time with them, however it's affected my happiness in a way that doesn't add up. For further context, it's not that I don't enjoy socialising. I think it's great, however I also absolutely must have my alone time as a no. 1 priority. While I have fun socialising, it's also something I could literally do without.

oaththrowaway 3y ago
Honestly I have found that I have been able to complete more personal projects since I've had kids.
- charlie0 3y ago
  How?
  - oaththrowaway 3y ago
    I'm not sure. It's probably a mental switch? Something happened pretty early on after my first kid and I really buckled down and focused on my career and personal goals and I've made the time. I do play a lot less video games though, I'm sure that helps as well.
    - sho_hn 3y ago
      I've heard from other Dads that having a kid vastly improved their time management skills and they only realized after how much time they were leaving unused before. Even with kids, the over-under shakes out better for them. May be a muscle you train, so to speak.
- dottjt 3y ago

oaththrowaway 3y ago

Snuggling/holding babies and toddlers is my favorite thing ever. If my kids never aged past 18 months I'd be happy forever. As my kids get older it's harder and I need that space.

SanderNL 3y ago
You have kids that want to snuggle? I wonder what that’s like.
- oaththrowaway 3y ago
  It was great while it lasted
saghm 3y ago
The closest thing to this is just having cats. I literally can't lie down without my cat excitedly running over and hopping onto my chest to take a nap. My other cat is more of the toddler stage; he runs around and wants to play all the time and always wants to know what I'm doing. They're both adorable and affectionate, and they know how to poop in a box and won't ever need my fiancee or me to pay for them to go to college.

Buttons840 3y ago

That's me. I have a 9 year old. When she was young I decided to stop the usual passive aggressive signals I would send out when I wanted to be alone, instead I'm explicit and kind, I'll just say "will you please go out of my room now, I want to be alone for awhile". Later, I'll tell her "you can come an be play in my room if you want". I know it has made her feel bad sometimes, but I'm convinced it minimizes the damage. As parents, we can't avoid causing some emotional damage, but hopefully we can minimize it and make it a constructive learning experience. I hope that my explicit messages teach her that sometimes Dad needs to be alone and sometimes she has to be lonely and entertain herself. Hard lessons, but lessons that need to be learned one way or another. Who knows what the chaotic passive aggressive signals my younger self used to send would have taught her.

willcipriano 3y ago

People have accused me of being introverted. I don't feel that way so it may be different for you. Most adults I meet are quite boring. Children don't bore me. We have a lot to talk about, they don't know much of anything about the world. If you learn to understand a toddlers needs they won't cry all that often. A child resting their head on my chest doesn't hurt like a adult head does. I don't mind them being close to me they don't take up much room. Children respect consistently enforced boundaries better than adults. Mainly beacuse its hard to punish other adults when they over step them. Children are innocent, if they have ulterior motives they are easy to figure out. Adults aren't innocent and you have to keep your guard up when dealing with them.

threeio 3y ago

Teach them to be proper introverts who can entertain themselves with a book, etc. Toddler life is only for so long... the transition to weekend soccer games where people expect you to remember who they are because you were on a team three years ago and said hi once... thats the real challenge :)

xyzzy123 3y ago

Kids 7, 5, 3, being honest I never squared that circle. All I can say is, they're not toddlers for that long in the grand scheme of things. I think a lot depends on how supportive your partner and care network can be, and your financial circumstances. Personally I struggled a lot, we live away from family and my partner also works. In the end I had to accept that you only really have their adoration and attention for a limited amount of time, I put most of my projects and hobbies on hold, scaled back work a bit, gave them all the attention I could and made the most of whatever downtime available to maintain sanity. A lot of things just had to give.

warner25 3y ago
Four kids, similar ages, and I've reached similar conclusions. It's humbling. My oldest is now 9 and I'm starting to see how quickly the dynamic changes, like you said about not being toddlers for long. She might already be happy to read books and play computer games by herself all day, and I sometimes need to seek out conversations to maintain a connection with her. My friends with teenagers say that they almost never see them.
dottjt 3y ago
A question I have is why did you have more kids in-spite of this? How did you justify the struggle, or rather did you have no choice but to justify the struggle? Would you have preferred in retrospect to have less children, if had to be really honest with yourself? Or do you think you made the right decision?
- xyzzy123 3y ago
  It's a great question. When I thought of my "ideal" future I always imagined a family in it. I didn't really know how or if would happen for me, but I was always open to the possibility and tried to nudge my life down paths that could make it happen. I really had no idea how difficult it would be for me as an introvert / spectrum adjacent. I was never particularly reflective or insightful about my own needs for space, time and agency because these things had never been in short supply in my life before. I thought I had an idea of what it would be like - but I was a long way off. Partly I think this is because expectations of fathers today are very different to what I grew up with and what was modelled by my dad & stepdad. On a day-to-day basis the "responsibility" side feels a lot like running a small business with your partner that provides childcare, education, housing, cleaning services, meals, entertainment etc. Your time is not your own, any commitment you make tends to be binding on your partner as well (because you are committing them to keeping "the business" running during that time) and vice-versa. My partner is the kind of person who lives by what is filled in in the calendar, to her the "blank spaces" are waste, she will try to fill every day with appointments and commitments. For me, the "filled in" slots in my calendar are only for things I can't avoid and my life happens in the "blank spaces". That's been the biggest source of conflict in our relationship and it's required a lot of negotiation and adjustment for both of us. It surprised both of us how incompatible we were in this aspect because our time never came under such pressure before kids. Why did we keep having more? There's a weird amnesia that can happen a couple of years after you have a baby, where if things are going ok, you sort of mentally blank out the difficulties... I think some degree of struggle is part of the whole thing for almost everyone, for me there was just a lot of psychological adjustment that needed to happen to be a functional parent. Now I find it hard to even imagine "me without kids at this age" anymore. My life isn't what I expected it would be - it's more complicated - but I regret nothing. I feel really grateful the kids are part of my life.

dave333 3y ago

As a married introvert dad for 2 girls and now 2 granddaughters I would say you can find tons of things to do with them that everyone enjoys and doesn't feel like you are losing your personal time. E.g. reading bedtime stories, making a living room fort with boxes and bedsheets, sports like soccer golf or tennis in the house or backyard, paper airplanes, boardgames and so on. I found that I came out of my shell with the kids and this gradually transferred into the rest of my life.