7 ms·

The Married Introvert

• carabiner 3y ago
  This made me realize that I've never heard of this stereotype or encountered this type of person. Every single husband I've met has been outgoing and very smooth with people in all sorts of contexts. They had jobs in technical sales or were managers of some kind. They were even good at interacting with kids when they had never had any of their own.
  • SketchySeaBeast 3y ago
    Speaking as a married introvert, next time you're at a work party look for the spouse sitting quietly on his phone, but please don't bother him. He'd rather not be at the party but as long as he's left alone he's happy.
    • float4 3y ago
      > look for the spouse sitting quietly on his phone, but please don't bother him Might as well just be someone with social anxiety. Many people like that in tech.
      • SketchySeaBeast 3y ago
        Well, in that case I wouldn't bother them either.
  • skrabblez 3y ago
    tell me you're not a sw developer without telling me you're not a sw developer
    • graphe 3y ago
      The title is married introvert, not introvert. If a software developer is married, he's often not an introvert in my experience.
      • sho_hn 3y ago
        This isn't a universal experience: Most married software developers I know are introverts.
      • wedn3sday 3y ago
        Im sorry, but this is so far removed from my experience that you have to be trolling right?
  • tibbar 3y ago
    I grew in a conservative religious community, around a lot of very, very, very quiet people. The husbands in particular had a tendency to sit very quietly until something required their presence and then retreat into the background.
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  • sdwr 3y ago
    I like how even in your fantasy world, the socially confident men are still working in tech https://youtu.be/h95DooxMFsk?si=oQF6jwHdCBs8clTr https://youtu.be/h95DooxMFsk?si=oQF6jwHdCBs8clTr
    • queuebert 3y ago
      But sales, so not really.
  • lolinder 3y ago
    I can assure you that you have encountered this type of person. I'm one. At least half the active members on this forum are introverts, married or otherwise. Between one-third and half of the general population is introverted, which means unless you have a very unique workplace a solid chunk of your coworkers are. The problem with introverts is that we by definition don't stand out. When you notice us, it's because we're being uncharacteristically social, so you assume we're just like you. When we're in our comfort zone, you won't see us at all and so you once again won't have any evidence that there are actually people out there who prefer to be alone. One key to discovering introverts is to not assume that "introverted" means "[not] smooth with people in all sorts of contexts". At work I participate more than most of my teammates, and I'm really good at understanding people and helping build consensus, but it takes a lot out of me. If you just knew me from work you might not realize it, but by the end of the day I don't want to spend any time with anyone other than my wife.
    • devonbleak 3y ago
      Most of the people around me at work are this way - at the end of each day we're all scattering to go home and happy hours aren't a thing unless someone is celebrating a major life event.
  • nelblu 3y ago
    > Every single husband I had to read that a few times because I was wondering maybe there's a thing called "single husband" , but boy it's just the other usage of the word "single". English is a funny language :)
  • devonbleak 3y ago
    Introverted married manager here. I can put on an outgoing and smooth exterior when I need to - it's how I got to where I am in management. I'm great with kids in short bursts. But these things are exhausting and doing them too much without recharging will impact other parts of my life - as I work 6 days a week for about half the year I have to be very conscious of how I'm spending my energy and the social commitments I can make.
  • pavel_lishin 3y ago
    > Every single husband I've met Well, you're statistically less likely to meet the introverted ones :)
• deleted 3y ago
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• _air 3y ago
  https://web.archive.org/web/20231030201749/https://lukasrosenstock.net/2023/10/26/the-married-introvert.html https://web.archive.org/web/20231030201749/https://lukasrose...
• deleted 3y ago
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• brolumir 3y ago
  This is literally me. I'm very happy with my life - my spouse, my kids, my extended family, my small group of friends that's been together for 20+ years, and my career. I have very little interest in socializing / meeting new people, and would much rather spend all my free time improving my existing relationships (see above), or be by myself. I know how to socialize / meet new people, but never feel comfortable doing that.
  • sho_hn 3y ago
    It's me as well. I mostly fit your description. I would say, however: I actually love socializing and meeting new people, it's very fun and rewarding. People are awesome! It just so happens that I need to make an effort to go out in the first place, and I need some quality "me time" to recover afterwards. Therefore, I don't do it on most days. I don't shop around for those new opportunities. I invite guests/host at home only infrequently. And it's fine. I work in a communication-heavy technical role. I'm good at moderating, mediating, coaching. I'm persuasive when I need to be, and I have a knack for adapting to the people I'm talking to. I enjoy the work. But it's definitely work, there's a significant energy expenditure involved. Like you, I prefer to maintain fewer, deeper friend relationships as a result. Not having to be in touch is how I relax and unwind. I just don't scale to keep up with a large number of social obligations. There's so much other stuff to get done! That said: I truly appreciate getting invited to things by the stubborn folks who try. I feel bad when I decline. Some time I will take you up on it, and I promise I'll have a fantastic time. My partner of 9 years is a person I can hang out with for any length of time without strain or requiring recovery time afterwards, so that works smoothly.
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  • olvy0 3y ago
    That's literally me as well. Also my spouse, to a much lesser degree. We're both developers. We're both not very interested in meeting new people.
  • GoodJokes 3y ago
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• pmarreck 3y ago
  Would love to hear about the challenges of introvert dads and the struggles to reconcile needs for personal space with the ceaseless demands of toddlers
  • pixl97 3y ago
    I'm pretty highly introverted and a father. Again for the most part individual interactions are not really tiring for me. This may affect some introverts more than others though. Now, taking toddler to $event with lots of other families/children, well that's work.
  • mortallywounded 3y ago
    Rejoice when we go to the bathroom, and rejoice when the kids are finally asleep.
    • xyzzy123 3y ago
      I never imagined I would consider going to the bathroom alone as "luxurious me time".
      • mortallywounded 3y ago
        You either need to become a parent, an introvert, or both!
  • bafe 3y ago
    As an introvert who's going to marry soon, that's the reason I told my wife to be that I'm not too keen on having children. I wouldn't want to neglect them but I feel like I need more personal space than the average parent
  • pavel_lishin 3y ago
    Honestly, the toddler phase wasn't that difficult for me as an introvert; it's when they start really talking and really wanting to play with you in more structured ways that it gets more difficult - once they become a person.
• oaththrowaway 3y ago
  I am a "married introvert". My wife is very extroverted and works in sales. It was an adjustment for us at first to find a balance where we're both comfortable. I rarely meetup with my friends, sometimes lunch a few times a month, but that's about it. My wife has a large friend group that she spends a lot of time with and it works great for us. She gets her social needs fulfilled and I don't feel pressure to go out and socialize with her.
• SanderNL 3y ago
  I don’t understand what these two completely orthogonal concepts do together. I’m this though. I’m a raging introvert and I am married. But no, I am not loyal to my wife because my lifestyle doesn’t offer me enough alternatives. That’s F’ed up. Being loyal and committed and being an introvert is also orthogonal by the way. Being a good husband and being quiet and easygoing are also orthogonal. Emotional needs are a thing in both of you and they are not met by tinkering with raspberry pi’s. If you are hosting game nights and actively pursuing community, you are not a raging introvert. Trust me on this. You are a normal person with a bit of both and maybe slightly introverted and yes, you might be lacking an authentic connection. Notice this doesn’t mean a romantic connection, that’s just the “normie” variation of it. But I am convinced every person needs something outside his or herself to truly grow. I think this can be found in art or religion, but I am not sure. Another human is easier.
  • oaththrowaway 3y ago
    > But no, I am not loyal to my wife because my lifestyle doesn’t offer me enough alternatives. That’s F’ed up. Being loyal and committed and being an introvert is also orthogonal by the way. Yeah I thought that was borderline offensive.
    • pavel_lishin 3y ago
      The author of the article honestly reads like he might be on the spectrum. Which isn't a bad thing, but it does mean that maybe his point of view doesn't reflect that of other introverts.
      • foogazi 3y ago
        Reading people, their motives and intentions, is difficult for literal thinkers
  • deleted 3y ago
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  • LukasRos 3y ago
• pavel_lishin 3y ago
  > They probably started dating in high school or their first year of university and had no or few previous partners. > The curious question is, if the man isn’t doing what you’re supposed to be doing to find a partner, like mingling with more people, how did they end up with their current (and only) partner in the first place? They had to do at least some socializing to get a date. The answer to the question is right there: in high school and college, you're effectively forced to socialize to at least some degree; you're a captive in the education system, and unless you suffer from tremendous anxiety or are wildly unpleasant to be around, you'll spend a large percentage of your time socializing with other people. (There's also the other obvious answer: a lot of introverts socialize a lot online, and many of them meet their partners the same way. I'm sure at least some of you have been to a wedding where the married couple met over WoW.)
  • numbers_guy 3y ago
    > a lot of introverts socialize a lot online Are you sure we are introverts and not just people lacking enough IRL social outlets, or people suffering from social anxieties. Why would an introvert go online to socialize with complete strangers?
    • SketchySeaBeast 3y ago
      It's a decent low energy interaction. I can write this message and then disappear for the next three days, no big deal. I don't need to worry about keeping up my energy or caring about the result of my addition. It's near zero stakes.
    • pavel_lishin 3y ago
      I can't speak for anyone else, of course, but I'm absolutely certain that I'm an introvert, and that I get a lot of my socialization online, and almost always have even when friends have been plentiful and local - in college, for instance, when my three roommates were my friends, I still spent a fair amount of time talking online. I think - and again, my experience, just another anecdote to throw in the bucket - that introverts like communicating online because we don't run out of gas as quickly, because there is less focus on immediate responses. We can step back, we can take a few minutes - or days! - to think before we reply. If we want to, we can be much more in-depth, take the time to analyze our own feelings and those of the others in the conversation. Online, there's no rush to do your part in a conversation while a loud bar is overwhelming your ability to even hear the other party. Having said that, I'm not so introverted that I don't need face-to-face time with friends. My D&D group hasn't met since August, and one of the players can't make it to a party we're hosting this weekend, and it bums me the fuck out! edit: I just noticed you said "complete strangers". This isn't socializing for me; my online socializing is in Slack & Discord, with people I've known for years & decades - some of whom I first met online, some of whom I first met in real life, some of whom I met online first and then in real life (and attended the wedding of!), and some of whom I've never met IRL and may never meet.
• gavinhoward 3y ago
  Oh goodness, this is me too. Funny story: my sister told me that she would try to date my wife if my sister wasn't straight, and my wife wasn't already taken. Then she said, "Don't cheat on her or I'll <NSFW threat here>." And then she stopped, thought a moment, and said, "Eh, but if you tried, you'd fail anyway because your social skills suck." Lol. Here's one way I don't fit the stereotype of the post: I married my wife at 25, after university. I didn't find her at university. I tried, though. I got stood up at the altar by a previous fiancee. Best bad day that ever happened to me; my wife is SO much better. So yeah, I fit the stereotype of trying to find a partner and letting my social life suffer for it. But here's the kicker: my wife, though she is the extrovert, is shy. So I have to step up, be a man, and jumpstart a conversation with people instead of her. I keep going until I find some topic that she has in common with the person, and she'll start speaking up. I slowly wind down my part until the conversation is happening naturally between her and the other person. And then I shut up and daydream of being at home. Anyway, if you find a good partner, marry them. 10/10 would recommend.
  • stcroixx 3y ago
    What other things must a man do?
    • gavinhoward 3y ago
      It depends on the marriage. :)
• warner25 3y ago
  > The curious question is... how did they end up with their current (and only) partner in the first place? They had to do at least some socializing to get a date... You might become more extroverted temporarily for instrumental reasons... And obviously, a sex drive can be a powerful helper to direct your social energy into dating. I'm one of these guys, and yes, I met my wife and we started dating because I temporarily made a very conscious effort to meet girls in college. As a CS major and ROTC cadet, I went out of my way and my comfort zone to take classes and participate in activities that had a more favorable male-female ratio. I met my wife in a foreign language conversation group that was at least 2/3 girls after asking a few of them to meet one-on-one for more practice. And yes, I'm sure that my sex drive at age 19-20 was a big part of that. But I wouldn't call that "[becoming] more extroverted." I think an extrovert is someone who draws their energy from socializing. I didn't. It was an effort, a drain on my energy. I still drew my energy from reading, thinking, writing, listening to a podcast (radio programs back then), going solo to the gym or for a run, etc. Similarly, I can talk to people or do public speaking for my job, but it's still not where I get my energy; I retreat afterwards to the quiet of my office, car, and lunch by myself.
  • LukasRos 3y ago
    Author here. Yes, I've used introversion and extroversion mostly to mean the amount of socializing one does, and that's probably not the best definition of those terms because they also relate to energy. And people are not a perfect binary. I've heard terms like ambivert and "low energy extrovert" which I think describe me well. One thing you said well is how you put in the effort even though it was an energy drain. Because you felt the reward - finding a partner - was worth it. And I have mostly not felt that way.
    • warner25 3y ago
      That makes sense. And I'll add that feeling the reward was energizing. For whatever reason, I experienced interest from a few girls in high school even before I made much of an effort, and I had just enough success in my first two years of college to keep me going even when it wasn't going well. I'd compare it to the sport of golf, in which it's well known that hitting just one good shot (straight and pure) in a hundred will keep a beginner playing for the next thousand shots because they feel sure that they can do it again.
• Trasmatta 3y ago
  I feel like I'm in a pretty small minority in that I'm not in a relationship and never really want to be in one. Anyone else here feel like this? For context, I'm 34.
• coddle-hark 3y ago
  Yup, this is me too. Married with two kids, met when we were 17, went through uni together. For me, having a small social circle is just a matter of preference. I don’t know why. I don’t feel uncomfortable in (most) social situations and I have a lot of acquaintances that I’m friendly with. Sometimes I’ll hang out. Most of the times I just don’t want to. Most of the socialising I do nowadays has a “purpose”. Beers after work, play dates with other parents, tech meetups and so on. If it’s just a random hang out session, I’m sorry but I’d rather hang out with my wife and kids.
• xyzelement 3y ago
  In line with other commenters, don't see any tension between these two concepts. First, introversion is how you get energy, not directly how you behave. Ideally, people don't really know if you're intra- or extra- versed because you engage with them well. Being introverted is not a license to ignore social connections or be terrible at dealing with people. Second, even if introversion and extraversion affect your outward behavior (eg: how frequently you want to go to the bar) - that's just one factor. For example, I am an introvert and my natural inclination to go to the bar is low. However, I also wanted to meet someone and get married, and if a woman proposed we get drinks at a bar, ok no problem. At the end of the day "introversion" does not define your entire being, it's an energy preference akin to "I feel better when I eat the Mediterranean diet." It doesn't negate your desire for sex, children, partnership, etc. and unless you have other issues you can navigate it.
• wood_spirit 3y ago
  This is me :) Another married introvert, would love to live in a cabin in the wilderness alone (where definition of “alone” is alone with my wife and kids). Take issue with the nonsense about not cheating because of lack of opportunity bit though :( People also don’t cheat because they love their spouses and would decline opportunities anyhow!
• PaulDavisThe1st 3y ago
  TFA and almost every comment really makes me want to unleash an as-yet unfinished masterpiece of a treatise that starts by examining how "introvert" and "extrovert" are useless designations, and ends up with a searing critique of how a couple of centuries of incredibly poor psychological "science" has led to the utter misconception that "normal" is anywhere close to being a valid personality/psychological concept, along with utter red-herrings such as "neurotypical". Alas, since I haven't actually written it yet, and it wouldn't fit in the margins, I'll just seethe in relative silence.
  • numbers_guy 3y ago
    And I am here silently wondering whether I'm an introvert who occasionally really loves the right company, or whether I'm an extrovert who is constantly starved of the right kind of social interaction. I also cannot relate to this whole socializing being exhausting business, but that is maybe because I never force myself in social situations where I am not enjoying myself.
• atlgator 3y ago
  Your point about socializing as a coping mechanism for singlehood hit home. I know many people that arrived in Atlanta post-graduation and joined the kickball league. None of them were interested in kickball. It was just to meet people to date.
• foogazi 3y ago
  The definition of a problem is when a different outcome is expected - is being a single older adult a problem? Author should figure out if it is (sounds like it) - therapy can help If they are running clubs and meeting people maybe the introversion or insecurities have subsided just enough to create an opening
• cybervegan 3y ago
  Welcome to the fold... though I bring my own nuances. Backstory: I'm a late-diagnosed Aspie, 56 in a couple of weeks, only diagnosed in my mid 40's. Had a small number of long-term relationships, and had trouble understanding why the earlier ones ended, until I was diagnosed. Nerdy as a kid, with few friends. Avid D&D player until my early 20's (same set of low maintenance friends, with a well understood social contract). Computer geek; SciFi nerd; etc. I am the architypical introvert - uncomfortable in large social gatherings. I went for nearly 10 years without anyone other than my partner that I could call a friend, but was "mostly happy with my own company". Most "friends" were partners of my partner's frienship circle. About 5 years ago, I started up a makerspace, and kind of "instantly" gained a friendship circle in a town where I basically knew nobody, and that was "fine" but occasionally tiring, until this summer when I basically burnt out and quit. I still have some of the friends, but I'm seeing far less of them now we have no common interest in the makerspace. I'm still trying to work out what my "next big thing" will be. At least I now know how to go about starting whatever it will be up... But I think the main issue is that I find the social aspect really tiring (I think it's masking fatigue). I just can't handle large amounts of the social stuff. Fortunately, my current partner of about 15 years is very supportive and understanding, and decidedly not introverted.