27 ms·

Life lessons from the death bed

422 points by brandonlc 3y ago

mrwzy 3y ago
"Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq ft - loneliness is the same" is quite profound.
- coldtea 3y ago
  "On the other hand $3000/month get you far more health, kids upbringing, educational, and survival options than $300/month"
- jowea 3y ago
  If your house is big enough you can talk to the domestic servants for company through.
  - darkerside 3y ago
    Just because your house is big doesn't mean you have servants. And nobody is lonelier than the lonely man who is surrounded by people.
  - Condition1952 3y ago
    Servants or assistants might not provide you with the kind of connection that you long. Or they could, if they care about you, respectfully attend to your needs and listen to you. >Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. Even some people who are surrounded by others throughout the day—or are in a long-lasting marriage—still experience a deep and pervasive loneliness. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/loneliness https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/loneliness
- CalRobert 3y ago
  Just moved from a big house in the countryside on a few acres to a rowhouse in the city and I am so, so much happier here. I had a lot of suicidal ideation when I lived in the middle of nowhere. I see friendly people every day.
  - eitally 3y ago
    I can relate. I haven't ever had suicidal ideation because of this but I can tell you I am shocked at how much I enjoy living in a city (1800sqft house on an 8000sqft lot) in a real, social neighborhood compared to either our previous suburban house (4500sqft house on 1/3ac lot) or the rural house I grew up in (2000sqft on 4ac in rural outskirts of a small city). I'm sure this doesn't apply universally, but for my family it turned out that having friends and acquaintances within walking distance is great for mental health!
    - CalRobert 3y ago
      8000 square foot lot! About 1300 square feet here. When someone wants to meet up I just hop on my bike and go, anywhere in the city. I love it.
    - rootusrootus 3y ago
      I can relate to that. I've lived in a dense urban environment, and out in the sticks where we couldn't see our neighbors. Right now I live in a neighborhood of 8000-10000sf lots and I know all my neighbors, but we don't share walls. It's wonderful. Very social, very fun, and enough "in the city" so that there's nothing I'm missing out on. It helps that I live in a suburban city, so getting around is easy and fast.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
- gnfargbl 3y ago
  Is it really profound, though? Or is it up there with live, laugh, love and life is a journey? If a concept like this is widely held to be profound on HN, then perhaps -- and I mean this as gently as possible -- that could be a sign that the average engineer's career is a little too much of a treadmill, and would benefit from a little more downtime.
  - CalRobert 3y ago
    Well, I think it's valuable inasmuch as it's easy to look at big, beautiful houses as an aspiration, when they won't do much to improve your relationships with other people, which tend to be at the core of happiness.
technics256 3y ago
This was a very touching piece. Thanks for sharing.
robbiea 3y ago
great read.
barrkel 3y ago
Nice vignettes but I don't really believe it. Not knocking those getting value out of them, but they don't work for me.
- GiorgioG 3y ago
  Don't believe what exactly?
  - barrkel 3y ago
    I think at least some of the stories are just made up.
- high_5 3y ago
  What did you expect them to work on you?
  - barrkel 3y ago
    Have sufficient credibility to move me.
- dappermanneke 3y ago
  people think that at deaths door we obtain some deep insight, something of universal clarity. the truth is that it’s just a different perspective, one that may be maladaptive at another stage of your life
- christoph 3y ago
  The best changes I’ve made in my life are 1. Completely removing alcohol. 2. Removing highly processed foods and refined sugars. 3. Accepting myself for who I am, faults and all. I can’t change certain things about myself, so I just need to accept that and focus on the things I can change. Maybe I can’t change them today or tomorrow, but I can always work towards future change. And the most important for me of all - gratitude. I’m finding that if I apply gratitude to thoughts and actions throughout the day, very little if anything can shake me now. It feels like a superhuman power. Motorist cuts me up… meh.. at least I’m not in a hurry like that guy. Grumpy because I had a bad night sleep… I’m thankful I had a warm bed and roof over my head and warm shower to jump in. Injured myself running… at least I have legs to run. The effect of the above on my life has been profound. My happiness levels are through the roof and I’m achieving and doing things I never thought possible as I’m not allowing negative emotions and thoughts any space in my life. Not saying this will work for anyone else, but it does for me.
backwardsmoo 3y ago
Exceptional read.
dappermanneke 3y ago
woe to the ones who live their life in fear
- taneq 3y ago
  You need to balance risk and reward. Getting to the end and telling everyone to take more risks just because you personally have nothing to lose, or the risk worked out for you, is just lotto winners telling everyone to buy lotto tickets.
  - latexr 3y ago
    Exactly. We act as if people on their death beds have some unique insight on how to live a good life. They don’t. The same thoughts will reach you if you think enough about your death while you’re alive and healthy. Saying you can’t take you money with you (quote at the top) is a platitude. You can’t take anything with you, be it money, memories, good deeds, or consequences. You’ll be dead. You’ll lose everything equally. Your actions will no longer matter to you. They will matter to the ones left behind, but only for a little while. Eventually everyone you touched will die. Not even Jesus, Shakespeare, and Newton can survive this fate at the heat death of the Universe.
    - fosstrack 3y ago
      I agree. Its not what they say on their deathbeds, but what brought them peace and acceptance ultimately (if at all). In a way, you experience death every night when you go to sleep, and a new birth every morning. As I programmer - I need to remember to close my open connections every time, else my brain will run out of memory and crash.
    - RHSman2 3y ago
      You can conceptually understand death but you do not know it because you don’t experience it’s ‘ground rush’. So I disagree.
      - latexr 3y ago
looseyesterday 3y ago
People are different and so it makes sense that they'll handle death differently. Loneliness is a big problem. But I am surprised how often people fall for an anti-materialist view, yeah money's not everything, but I think its a privileged view to have. Its easy to say money is not important once you've made alot of it. I think its helpful to have some, but obv. spending all your time in its pursuit is a waste.
- dappermanneke 3y ago
  there is a very large amount of forgetting and memory rewriting for most people who make it that far. for most of us who survive until that old age our life will be more of an idealised narrative that factual - so yes, not very useful for others earlier in their journey
- javcasas 3y ago
  Money is not everything. But when you don't have it, everyone is so nasty at you. You are not allowed to have food, or shelter, or health, all those things cost money. It shouldn't be a surprise that, as a result, many people prioritize having enough money to not have to care about not having money.
- sanderjd 3y ago
  Yeah. It has been very helpful to me once or twice in my adult life to get uncomfortably close to having no savings and negative cash flow, because it has taught me that I hate that. And that there are things I truly value - like living near amenities, traveling to see family, having a coffee and pastry in a coffee shop, going to a sandwich shop for lunch, buying books, going to the movie theater - that are costly, such that I am not nearly as happy living an ascetic as I am when I can afford those things. It has helped me feel a lot less guilty, a lot less like all the compensation I receive and ask for is just greed. What I have landed on is that achieving "financial independence" is important to me because it buys time, but beyond that point I don't care. Or maybe a better, though jargon-y, way to put it is that it buys optionality, and that I value that very highly (and I think most people do). I really like working. And I really like spending time with my family. What I really dislike is when I have to spend more time working, rather than being with my family, than I want to, in order to avoid that asceticism that I hate. And, having not yet achieved financial independence, that's pretty much always the case, because I need to work full time, and that's more than I want to work. Financial independence also buys optionality in what kind of work I can do. Right now there is some stuff I'm really interested in that I would love to be working on in an academic setting, rather than a commercial setting. But I can't afford to do that, because the pay would not be good enough. And at other times, I've really wished I could afford to do work I would find valuable but which is just not well compensated; teaching, tutoring, community / public sector work, etc. But I haven't been able to afford to, thus far. But of course the problem with all this is that "financial independence" is a very fuzzy line, and is a function of spending, and spending is often itself a function of income. So avoiding that trap is also important to me, and I'm not as good at that as I'd like to be.
gbil 3y ago
As I grow older, I realize that I what is important is to have a “good taste in your mouth” after any interaction, I will not say anything like “see only the positives” etc. but for sure don’t only see the negatives. At the end of the day, try to figure out what works for you before your death bed
- fosstrack 3y ago
  Yup. Just read somewhere to the effect- "if you can stop complaining for just 1 week, you will be filled with positivity forever"
  - MikeSchurman 3y ago
    Where did you read this? (I'd like to know more)
- jdthedisciple 3y ago
  This really describes it well and is some concise and valuable wisdom.
techdragon 3y ago
Touching stuff... It could be middle age tainting my perspective... but sometimes I feel this sort of... not visceral, but very close and undeniable... experience with death is easier for people who are young. Death isn't real for most people at 17, no matter how much they have seen, many see the death of a grandparent, or two, or perhaps even four, before reaching 17, but most still enter their late teens, feeling invincible and like death is a whole lifetime away... because on a sort of undeniable personal narrative level is is... it is a lifetime away... and things that feel a lifetime away are much easier to think about than things that feel like they get closer every year. In middle age you know your to some statistical average "about half way there"... and that's a very different place from which to begin having this kind of life experience.
- JofArnold 3y ago
  As someone of the same age I feel the same. Sometimes I'm enjoying myself or finding it especially easy to be stoical about mortality. But sometimes it makes me breathless with dread for a few minutes. The realisation I was probably born a bit too early for technology to give me immortality saddens me; I only have so many weekends left to do hobbies and even fewer blocks of a few thousand hours to master something new... So I have to prioritise which is annoying.
  - RHSman2 3y ago
    I was afflicted with an awareness of existence from an early age and struggled with it till around 40. Having kids obviously enhanced that but also changed me so profoundly and I realized we are just human sized atoms flying through the universe. I’d simply advise to get on getting on. It is. You are you so see what you can do with it in the way you feel you can.
    - sanroot99 3y ago
      What is the point of being immortal, if lt bring eternal suffering, Life in itself current form is suffering for many, unless you solve all other problem other then just mortality, life in itself bring difference with long lifespan. Inherently I see no difference if I live 100 years or 1000 years.
isaacfrond 3y ago
Why would I optimize my entire life for a few minutes at the end of it. That makes no sense at all.
- H8crilA 3y ago
  That's not the point at all. The dying people described here were just more honest in their last moments. The lady who couldn't have one friend among her family because of her wealth, the old bitter man who couldn't process losing his wife - they suffered for decades. Possibly because of their own decisions. They did not have some bad last minutes, they had some bad last decades, and then minutes of reckoning.
- finnjohnsen2 3y ago
  this sounds too harsh, but I agree fully
- kstenerud 3y ago
  It's not about what you experience at the end of your life, but rather how you live your whole life leading up to it. People regret the things that held them back from being happy and loved and fulfilled. Their regrets during the last moments of their lives are moments of clarity when, with the noise of life removed, they finally notice the things they've been doing / not doing all these years that were hurting them and preventing their enjoyment of life. I took such advice to heart at 22, and have lived a VERY colorful life for the past 26 years after vowing to never have regrets over what I DIDN'T do.
robaato 3y ago
I can recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Final-Chapters-Hospice-Workers-Stories/dp/B089M4343J https://www.amazon.com/Final-Chapters-Hospice-Workers-Storie... Some really interesting stories and lessons.
eur0pa 3y ago
Too much cynicism on HN
- JKCalhoun 3y ago
  And yet this post made it way up the front-page of HN.
RCitronsBroker 3y ago
i have a weird relationship with death. Partly by choice, partly by chance, i lost the feeling of youthful invincibility pretty young and fast; i started medical school at 18 (Europe) and got my skydiving license around the same time. About 3 years later, i was deep in BASE/Skydiving and got into my role working in healthcare. Around the same time, i experienced some SERIOUS health problems for the first time. My usually tame Crohn’s turned into an ileus and months spent in the hospital. That, being confronted with mortality in healthcare plus witnessing someone go in at terminal velocity and no deployed canopy fucked me up bad. Still working on myself and the aftermath of the following existential crisis. Life is weird.
- mensetmanusman 3y ago
  I highly recommend a requiem mass/concert (Mozart). Incredibly profound and beautiful music from the past to contemplate our short existence. They will be happening this week in nearly every city. Eg: https://www.catholicchorale.org/schedule/cuf1ozg4xdcyrasujwgz1cz4lye020-5dcc2-rjz83-246ec-7t88h-spepz-f8h8j-3lb97-j77bt-9dph8 https://www.catholicchorale.org/schedule/cuf1ozg4xdcyrasujwg...
kubb 3y ago
I wonder what she means by entering the religious life. As somebody who was raised Catholic, I don’t believe there was ever a moment where I entered that I remember. The religion was present in my life almost since birth. There were important ceremonies like the first communion and confirmation, but those happened in childhood and adolescence.
- darkerside 3y ago
  I'm pretty sure she is talking about joining a nunnery or similar
- layer8 3y ago
  Religious life means consecrated life here (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consecrated_life https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consecrated_life),
- mensetmanusman 3y ago
  Devout Catholic families that attend weekly mass and have daily family prayer typically discuss vocations enough that teenagers internalize the various adventures in front of them (single life, religious life, married life, etc).
  - acuozzo 3y ago
    Meh, I imagine there are many "devout" Catholic families like mine that go through all of the motions, but never even think of religion outside of the periodic rituals.
    - mensetmanusman 3y ago
      I think people are swimming in it not realizing. Intentional thought is not required. Good lecture by a Greek/Rome Historian: https://youtu.be/cDa4vpkNKeQ https://youtu.be/cDa4vpkNKeQ
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
robviren 3y ago
I always struggle with balancing the advice given in pieces like this. The author suggested that they "eat their cake today" suggesting that putting off pleasure is a useless denial. Death could come for us at any moment, but I can't live like I'm dieing every day. There is just a mountain of nuance and self reflection between living some bohemian lifestyle where every moment must be filled with something and some stoic monk who has removed all want from their heart. It's too easy for me to surrender to the dopamine hits of all the things around me and find that what I actually enjoy feeling numb. Not looking for answers, I just wanted to speak for those who might struggle against filling each quiet moment with "joy" because hollow entertainment has eroded my true enjoyment more often than not.
- sanderjd 3y ago
  Right! This whole life thing is about striking a balance between "eat your cake today" and "spend your day in the field cultivating wheat to make the flour to make more cake in the future". In every moment of my life there has been some "cake" I could have "eaten" that would have been more enjoyable than all the hours I spent up in the middle of the night with screaming babies. But on my deathbed I'm certain it will be my investment of time in my children that I'm glad of, not the foregone "cake" I'm regretting.
  - orasiscore 3y ago
    Some insightful thought there right!!!
  - eitally 3y ago
    I think the real fundamental point that both you and the author make is that it's the things that are investments of time that are worthwhile, and that we should endeavor - in our mindfulness - to adjudicate the utility of time investments actively in order to maximize our ROI. I 100% agree! Going through the motions, getting dumped on, or losing one's ability to subjectively assess comparative value is no way to lead a happy life (for oneself of the ones around you).
  - mtklein 3y ago
Condition1952 3y ago
“for a better home” that’s a bold assumption, though
p0d 3y ago
At 52 I found this article thoughtful. We shouldn't walk around fearing death but an awareness of our mortality should shape our decision making. For example, I am at an airport returning from another short break.I have decided not to wait until retirement to travel. I may not be here or up for it.
- RHSman2 3y ago
  Now
jplrssn 3y ago
Great read. As with everything, balance is key. But I’ve never heard of anyone on their deathbed wishing they’d spent less time with family and friends, and more time grinding away at work.
- sanderjd 3y ago
  I think this common truism is less true that it sounds at first blush. Sure, nobody wishes they spent more time "grinding away" at work. But I think lots of people find a calling in their work, and do indeed wish they had been able to spend more time in its pursuit, while also wishing they had spent more time with their family. Just to take the most extreme kind of example, I think scientists who have really hit on breakthroughs in their field feel more strongly that they wish they could have kept that up, done more of that, for longer. But I don't think that pattern is unusual at all. Lots of people find work that they believe they believe is valuable and that they are effective at, and only regret that there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things they value and find joy in, including their work.
  - jplrssn 3y ago
    I don't disagree that many people find personal satisfaction in their work, beyond seeing it just as a source of money. I do too. Your point about time being zero-sum is a poignant one. Everyone wishes they had more hours in the day to spend doing things they like. But the question is about how we spend that marginal hour, and I think oftentimes it is better spent on family, friends or hobbies than our day jobs.
    - sanderjd 3y ago
      I guess I didn't state this very clearly because it's kind of an uncomfortable thing to state, but what I'm saying is that I think for a lot of people, for a lot of the hours, spending that marginal hour on work actually is the less-regretted way to spend it. But it's probably true that more people end up regretting that choice to spend that marginal hour on work for more of their hours that the opposite.
    - 3y ago
segasuperstar 3y ago
Loved the article
mensetmanusman 3y ago
Very well written, she has a gift.
hypeatei 3y ago
I'm of the belief that life is inherently suffering and really has no meaning. You can give your own meaning to it but it all seems pointless. (as I get ready for work to sit at a desk for 8 hours)
- RHSman2 3y ago
  You aren’t the first. The basis of Buddhism?
- JKCalhoun 3y ago
  Yes, give your own meaning to it.
- hotpotamus 3y ago
  Samesies, and man it sure seems like everyone who doesn't realize this has it easy. Like, people will say that you're depressed, but I'm pretty sure it's just rational.
  - nevertoolate 3y ago
    I bet it felt good to feel superior to other’s who don’t see what you can :) And if it felt good why other thoughts or lack of thought couldn’t make you happy? And of course if you are happy why couldn’t you find a way to be happy all the time? Makes sense?
    - hotpotamus 3y ago
      Superior is not what I would say. As far as I know, most people believe they are going onto an eternal life in a better place; I think I would feel superior if I was able to believe such a thing.
    - yowlingcat 3y ago
      It's ironic that you say "I bet it felt good to feel superior to other’s who don’t see what you can" and then suffix it with a ":)" which is clearly passive aggressive and sorta demonstrates your own feelings of superiority to who you responded to. I think you should reconsider the way you speak to others as it may comes across as less condescending. The rest of your comment is far more interesting. It's fair to point out that even in feeling existential angst, there is a sense of "pleasure" in feeling that angst as a kind of knowledge, where that knowledge brings comfort and a sense of security in understanding the world as it is. But I'd argue that "if you are happy why couldn’t you find a way to be happy all the time?" is probably taking it too far and not really hitting at the precise issue. The precise issue, as it strikes me (just one guy's opinion, so take it with a grain of salt) is the gap between the present moment and whatever one is preoccupied with. Life can be "suffering" and "have no point" but is there really anything wrong with that? If you sit down at a blank page with a pencil, is the blankness of the page a lack of guidelines that is scary and insurmountable, or is it a world of freedom that gives you freedom and agency to bring your dreams to life? My question is that it doesn't matter. If you focus on the moment, on the pencil on the paper, and start moving it, and fully focus on the moment and the movement of the pencil to let it take on a life-in-and-of-itself where there is no conceptual gap between it and you, then you will have already succeeded. And a lot of things are like that. That's part of why weightlifting feels pleasant to me, and practicing an instrument feels pleasant to me -- you are fully in the moment. Is it suffering when you don't get to do it the right way, when you're not as strong or as technically skilled as you'd like to be? Maybe, but it also feels good too, because the pain also means you are growing and that you are learning. Just my unsolicited two cents.
fosstrack 3y ago
Notes to myself - "Sometimes, the people who have everything in life have nothing in death. But sometimes the people who have nothing in life have everything that they could ever want in their final hours." "I never go to bed angry." "I choose my words wisely with both friend and foe." "when people are lying in their deathbeds, they remember their parents and siblings and spouses and children and pets — not their high school geometry assignment or that one bad day at work 30 years ago."
borlanco 3y ago
Death is ultimate poverty. You lose everything you have and everything you are, all at once. And this ultimate loss is not avoidable nor reversible. And sometimes it comes without warning. So it's quite normal to fear death. My trick to not fear death too much is this: perhaps in theory I own what is mine, but in practice I just have some assets that were lent to me, and that will be lent to others after my death. I see myself as just some manager of what I have.
- pizzafeelsright 3y ago
  Yet someone once wrote "to die is gain". I hold to this mindset. I no longer fear death.
- ilc 3y ago
  Death is not poverty, because you do not experience poverty. You don't live in the squalor and suffer. You are DEAD. Death is the true absence of all, not a lacking of anything.
throw0101c 3y ago
If you're interested in this, you may want to look at Daniel Pink's book The Power of Regret. Interview (audio and video options): > Human beings are undeniably complex, and what motivates us can often be a mystery, even to ourselves. So, how do we go about gathering and analyzing the data that will help us answer the most fundamental questions about our lives and our purpose? The answers may lie in an unexpectedly rich source of knowledge, our regrets. While regret is likely to have a decidedly negative connotation for most of us, it is also extremely powerful and can teach us a great deal about ourselves and what we value. It is an emotion that is present in all of us, and social scientists (like anthropologists and sociologists) have been fascinated by the subject for decades. Today on the show, we are joined by one such expert, Daniel Pink, author of the book The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. In our conversation, Daniel shares details about the research he conducted for his book, how he determined the four main categories of regret, and what we can learn from our regrets by confronting them head-on. We also discuss Daniel’s 2011 New York Times Bestselling title, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, and what he thinks about working from home in light of the COVID-19 pandemic. Daniel is an exceptional storyteller and is highly knowledgeable on the subjects of regret, motivation, and the important role they play in our lives. To learn more about the many facets of regret and how it can help you thrive, be sure to tune in today! * https://rationalreminder.ca/podcast/246 https://rationalreminder.ca/podcast/246 Harvard has also been running a multi-decade (since 1938), and now multi-generational, studies on happiness and the current directors (there have been a few over the years) recently published a book with their current understanding of the data, The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness: * https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/01/harvard-happiness-study-relationships/672753/ https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/01/harvard-ha... * https://archive.ph/aCkTj https://archive.ph/aCkTj From a 2012 book from another director: > According to The Atlantic, George Vaillant's main conclusion is that the warmth of relationships throughout life has the greatest positive impact on life satisfaction. Put differently, Vaillant says the study shows: "Happiness is love. Full stop."[8] * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Study https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Study
Koshkin 3y ago
I used to believe that we eat in order to live. Now I think that we live in order to eat!
mseepgood 3y ago
The most important life lesson seems to be the consideration of a paid subscription to I.Q.
alok-g 3y ago
See also: Regrets of the Dying https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/ https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/
sdfghswe 3y ago
> While most girls my age were content to go to the mall and get mani pedis Condescending from the first phrase.
Jeff_Brown 3y ago
I find it easier to come to terms with death if I just accept that I'll have regrets.
- dav43 3y ago
  The view that I have formed is that we all have regrets. Anyone who claims they don’t is blinded by ego. That claim is only possible if every decision they made was the right one - at the time and with hindsight. Clearly, that is not possible.
  - Jeff_Brown 3y ago
    Paraphrasing FDR, the only thing we have to regret is regret itself.
gchamonlive 3y ago
I am far from my deathbed (as far as I can possibly know today). I am trying to build a philosophical bed for my life going forward. It is hard and maybe pretentious to think I could know how to live today in order to satisfy my future self, but I think we can do very well if we tackle the subject head on. That means inviting both life and death to our lives. I invite life by intending to be present. It is not just meditating (if you enjoy it go for it, but do so because you actually enjoy it, not to become a master meditator in the future, that might eventually come naturally). It is savoring the moment. Shutting off things that require my attention right then and there and just being with myself, not really wanting to be anywhere else. I invite death by saying goodby to myself. By denying participating in the cult of nostalgia. That is not to say that I don't take pictures or I don't enjoy remembering good moments, but when I do so that is an act in itself, and not wanting to relive the moment. It is remembering the moment as an opportunity to both be grateful it happened and to also say goodbye to it. Saying goodbye to myself is also acknowledging that I will be different in another moment, as I was different in the past. My past self made mistakes and also made great (I still feel a little envious as how much I could enjoy computer games when I was a teenager). This unloads a huge burden that is to require myself to be consistent throughout my entire life. I change, I evolve. I die a lot, long before I die physically. Doing so I think frees me to pursue what I think makes me feel good. In my case that is to write computer programs, compose poetry, play my guitar. Study philosophy (if you like it too, I would refer to concepts like the Nietzschean demon or epicurean static and dynamic pleasures, as well as Simone Weil's attention). I also love my friends and family. I believe we are better off relinquishing a little bit of individuality in lieu of being more involved in our community. It is also nice to listen to our elders. They suffer from survivors bias the most and thus have a lot to teach us if we let them, and if we are able to abandon a little bit of the cult of the yound and new and perfect we are immersed in. This is not just a comment for you, it is also for me. Using this opportunity to take a snapshot of myself thinking about life and death while also sharing it. Edit: I would like to mention that this does not encompass every form of human existence. This would be insane, but I think I should say it. There is no peace of mind on an empty stomach or under the barrel of a gun. This comment does not try to encompass the extremes of human suffering. I can't say nothing about this other than that we as a society are failing to reduce human suffering. I think I would go to my deathbed regretting not being able to do more to make other humans suffer less.
gpgn 3y ago
I'm on the spectrum and whenever I think about possible regrets I might have on my deathbed, I always end up thinking “Who cares, I'm going to die anyway. Everything I have experienced will vanish with me, including the regrets I might possibly have.” It's nihilistic but I can’t help it.
michael_leachim 3y ago
we've had nightly air raid alerts for the last two years. Now there are less of them, but I don't know what the future will bring. I think russia is preparing their winter campaign of terror again, so we will see. When it is 3 in the morning and you hear explosions and you are really really fcking happy that it didn't hit you. You can also have no electricity and heat in the middle of the winter, but it sort of sortable if you go somewhere public where business have electricity generators. At first you get used to living like this, but after some time your natural resilience start to break and it can become quite difficult to live. So I've got a lot of time to think about life and death sort of things in this setting. I've got to understand one really simple thing. I should live my life in such a way that when it really hits me, there be no regrets for my time in this world. I need a bazzilion friends and experience love, I need that people think of sunshine when they remember me. Because I am love for every living thing. Everything will be the best way it could possibly be, every hard thing in life is there for a reason. That what lead to gender transition, but that the whole another story, lol
- digging 3y ago
  Very happy for you, taking such beautiful lessons and growth from such horror. Glad you've felt free to live as the person you are.
b3lvedere 3y ago
That was an awesome thing to read. I did not know i needed that right in this moment. Thank you. Reminded me of a small lyric of a song that very roughly translates to "Drink and empty your glasses, because this is the moment. You can never be sure if you're here tomorrow". Enjoy life while and when you can my fellow earthlings.
deleted 3y ago
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hearseguy 3y ago
This is one of those things that the majority of people simultaneously choose to ignore and also are very interested to talk about. For some reason, even though it'll happen to everyone, death remains a taboo subject. Live life, minimize regrets, have fun, enjoy it while lasts. I have discussed end of life issues with my kids, so they have an idea of what to expect. Even though I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not afraid of it. I take our caskets and hearses out to public events to provide insight and hopefully get people to think about and openly talk about death, trying to make it less taboo. Personally, I participate in a monthly death cafe, help preserve history by volunteering at our local cemetery, helping to run events, assist taking care of the grounds, repair and preserve headstones.
taylorius 3y ago
As an engineering type, with a touch of the ol' Asperger's, I find that it's very easy for life to become a series of corridors. You can run life on rails, sinking into your day to day tasks. I think the value of this sort of article is not some hard won, sophisticated insight, but rather a so-easily forgotten straightforward one. We know it, but we act as if we don't.
vlaaad 3y ago
Touching story. Life and death. Please consider paying. Heartbreaking story. Life and death Please consider paying. Tear-jerking story. Humanity and purpose. Please consider paying. Optimistic summary that makes you rethink your life. Please consider paying.
- foknvp2er12 3y ago
  yeah, please consider paying 50 bucks for a noname wordpress site with the default template.
allturtles 3y ago
Nice stories, but they seem rather pat and tidy, each with a neat little moral. OP spent 3 hours a week at a hospice for one semester (probably < 60 hours total), and came away with four different stories that could be pitches for episodes of "Hospice" the TV series? I dunno.
dghughes 3y ago
My Dad was a blue collar worker docks, janitor, painter, ships, loved fishing, loved hockey (Go Habs!). Dad died in hospice I sat there with him as he died. They pumped him full of drugs not saying what they were but I knew that he probably asked to not feel anything. I should say hospice is a great thing it's not a hospital bed that is a terrible place to be sick! The didn't even make Dad's bed! One thing I didn't know at the time was about hallucinations. Dad said he saw a wooly mammoth outside his room in the garden. Dad liked to joke and so we though nothing of it. Later I found out that meant a person was near death. It's often a silly thing they see or a loved one not death or bad things. Dad had been sick for nearly 20 years it was slow at first tiredness, he retired three years early, but then came the diagnosis of IPF and then five really rough years and one last bad six months. Such a long illness it seemed like a good thing to have time with him but sadness dragged on relationships. Mom was in denial until the moment he died (she went home no clue of how imminent death was). I didn't realize how much of my life it affected really about half my life. Not even a month into hospice Dad died a 8:40pm on my birthday April 21 in 2012 as Rick Steves Travel was on PBS TV channel showing Rome. If anything I say anxiety is what killed my Dad he was much better physically in hospice but the weight of being there in that place as good as it was is incredibly heavy and hard to bear. I am now astonished at how people older than Dad are walking around living their life no issues. Life is amazing we take it for granted.

422 points by brandonlc 3y ago

mrwzy 3y ago

"Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq ft - loneliness is the same" is quite profound.

coldtea 3y ago
"On the other hand $3000/month get you far more health, kids upbringing, educational, and survival options than $300/month"
jowea 3y ago
If your house is big enough you can talk to the domestic servants for company through.
- darkerside 3y ago
  Just because your house is big doesn't mean you have servants. And nobody is lonelier than the lonely man who is surrounded by people.
- Condition1952 3y ago
  Servants or assistants might not provide you with the kind of connection that you long. Or they could, if they care about you, respectfully attend to your needs and listen to you. >Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. Even some people who are surrounded by others throughout the day—or are in a long-lasting marriage—still experience a deep and pervasive loneliness. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/loneliness https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/loneliness
CalRobert 3y ago
Just moved from a big house in the countryside on a few acres to a rowhouse in the city and I am so, so much happier here. I had a lot of suicidal ideation when I lived in the middle of nowhere. I see friendly people every day.
- eitally 3y ago
  I can relate. I haven't ever had suicidal ideation because of this but I can tell you I am shocked at how much I enjoy living in a city (1800sqft house on an 8000sqft lot) in a real, social neighborhood compared to either our previous suburban house (4500sqft house on 1/3ac lot) or the rural house I grew up in (2000sqft on 4ac in rural outskirts of a small city). I'm sure this doesn't apply universally, but for my family it turned out that having friends and acquaintances within walking distance is great for mental health!
  - CalRobert 3y ago
    8000 square foot lot! About 1300 square feet here. When someone wants to meet up I just hop on my bike and go, anywhere in the city. I love it.
  - rootusrootus 3y ago
    I can relate to that. I've lived in a dense urban environment, and out in the sticks where we couldn't see our neighbors. Right now I live in a neighborhood of 8000-10000sf lots and I know all my neighbors, but we don't share walls. It's wonderful. Very social, very fun, and enough "in the city" so that there's nothing I'm missing out on. It helps that I live in a suburban city, so getting around is easy and fast.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
gnfargbl 3y ago
Is it really profound, though? Or is it up there with live, laugh, love and life is a journey? If a concept like this is widely held to be profound on HN, then perhaps -- and I mean this as gently as possible -- that could be a sign that the average engineer's career is a little too much of a treadmill, and would benefit from a little more downtime.
- CalRobert 3y ago
  Well, I think it's valuable inasmuch as it's easy to look at big, beautiful houses as an aspiration, when they won't do much to improve your relationships with other people, which tend to be at the core of happiness.

technics256 3y ago

This was a very touching piece. Thanks for sharing.

robbiea 3y ago

great read.

barrkel 3y ago

Nice vignettes but I don't really believe it. Not knocking those getting value out of them, but they don't work for me.

GiorgioG 3y ago
Don't believe what exactly?
- barrkel 3y ago
  I think at least some of the stories are just made up.
high_5 3y ago
What did you expect them to work on you?
- barrkel 3y ago
  Have sufficient credibility to move me.
dappermanneke 3y ago
people think that at deaths door we obtain some deep insight, something of universal clarity. the truth is that it’s just a different perspective, one that may be maladaptive at another stage of your life
christoph 3y ago
The best changes I’ve made in my life are 1. Completely removing alcohol. 2. Removing highly processed foods and refined sugars. 3. Accepting myself for who I am, faults and all. I can’t change certain things about myself, so I just need to accept that and focus on the things I can change. Maybe I can’t change them today or tomorrow, but I can always work towards future change. And the most important for me of all - gratitude. I’m finding that if I apply gratitude to thoughts and actions throughout the day, very little if anything can shake me now. It feels like a superhuman power. Motorist cuts me up… meh.. at least I’m not in a hurry like that guy. Grumpy because I had a bad night sleep… I’m thankful I had a warm bed and roof over my head and warm shower to jump in. Injured myself running… at least I have legs to run. The effect of the above on my life has been profound. My happiness levels are through the roof and I’m achieving and doing things I never thought possible as I’m not allowing negative emotions and thoughts any space in my life. Not saying this will work for anyone else, but it does for me.

backwardsmoo 3y ago

Exceptional read.

dappermanneke 3y ago

woe to the ones who live their life in fear

taneq 3y ago
You need to balance risk and reward. Getting to the end and telling everyone to take more risks just because you personally have nothing to lose, or the risk worked out for you, is just lotto winners telling everyone to buy lotto tickets.
- latexr 3y ago
  Exactly. We act as if people on their death beds have some unique insight on how to live a good life. They don’t. The same thoughts will reach you if you think enough about your death while you’re alive and healthy. Saying you can’t take you money with you (quote at the top) is a platitude. You can’t take anything with you, be it money, memories, good deeds, or consequences. You’ll be dead. You’ll lose everything equally. Your actions will no longer matter to you. They will matter to the ones left behind, but only for a little while. Eventually everyone you touched will die. Not even Jesus, Shakespeare, and Newton can survive this fate at the heat death of the Universe.
  - fosstrack 3y ago
    I agree. Its not what they say on their deathbeds, but what brought them peace and acceptance ultimately (if at all). In a way, you experience death every night when you go to sleep, and a new birth every morning. As I programmer - I need to remember to close my open connections every time, else my brain will run out of memory and crash.
  - RHSman2 3y ago
    You can conceptually understand death but you do not know it because you don’t experience it’s ‘ground rush’. So I disagree.
    - latexr 3y ago

looseyesterday 3y ago

People are different and so it makes sense that they'll handle death differently. Loneliness is a big problem. But I am surprised how often people fall for an anti-materialist view, yeah money's not everything, but I think its a privileged view to have. Its easy to say money is not important once you've made alot of it. I think its helpful to have some, but obv. spending all your time in its pursuit is a waste.

dappermanneke 3y ago
there is a very large amount of forgetting and memory rewriting for most people who make it that far. for most of us who survive until that old age our life will be more of an idealised narrative that factual - so yes, not very useful for others earlier in their journey
javcasas 3y ago
Money is not everything. But when you don't have it, everyone is so nasty at you. You are not allowed to have food, or shelter, or health, all those things cost money. It shouldn't be a surprise that, as a result, many people prioritize having enough money to not have to care about not having money.
sanderjd 3y ago
Yeah. It has been very helpful to me once or twice in my adult life to get uncomfortably close to having no savings and negative cash flow, because it has taught me that I hate that. And that there are things I truly value - like living near amenities, traveling to see family, having a coffee and pastry in a coffee shop, going to a sandwich shop for lunch, buying books, going to the movie theater - that are costly, such that I am not nearly as happy living an ascetic as I am when I can afford those things. It has helped me feel a lot less guilty, a lot less like all the compensation I receive and ask for is just greed. What I have landed on is that achieving "financial independence" is important to me because it buys time, but beyond that point I don't care. Or maybe a better, though jargon-y, way to put it is that it buys optionality, and that I value that very highly (and I think most people do). I really like working. And I really like spending time with my family. What I really dislike is when I have to spend more time working, rather than being with my family, than I want to, in order to avoid that asceticism that I hate. And, having not yet achieved financial independence, that's pretty much always the case, because I need to work full time, and that's more than I want to work. Financial independence also buys optionality in what kind of work I can do. Right now there is some stuff I'm really interested in that I would love to be working on in an academic setting, rather than a commercial setting. But I can't afford to do that, because the pay would not be good enough. And at other times, I've really wished I could afford to do work I would find valuable but which is just not well compensated; teaching, tutoring, community / public sector work, etc. But I haven't been able to afford to, thus far. But of course the problem with all this is that "financial independence" is a very fuzzy line, and is a function of spending, and spending is often itself a function of income. So avoiding that trap is also important to me, and I'm not as good at that as I'd like to be.

gbil 3y ago

As I grow older, I realize that I what is important is to have a “good taste in your mouth” after any interaction, I will not say anything like “see only the positives” etc. but for sure don’t only see the negatives. At the end of the day, try to figure out what works for you before your death bed

fosstrack 3y ago
Yup. Just read somewhere to the effect- "if you can stop complaining for just 1 week, you will be filled with positivity forever"
- MikeSchurman 3y ago
  Where did you read this? (I'd like to know more)
jdthedisciple 3y ago
This really describes it well and is some concise and valuable wisdom.

techdragon 3y ago

Touching stuff... It could be middle age tainting my perspective... but sometimes I feel this sort of... not visceral, but very close and undeniable... experience with death is easier for people who are young. Death isn't real for most people at 17, no matter how much they have seen, many see the death of a grandparent, or two, or perhaps even four, before reaching 17, but most still enter their late teens, feeling invincible and like death is a whole lifetime away... because on a sort of undeniable personal narrative level is is... it is a lifetime away... and things that feel a lifetime away are much easier to think about than things that feel like they get closer every year. In middle age you know your to some statistical average "about half way there"... and that's a very different place from which to begin having this kind of life experience.

JofArnold 3y ago
As someone of the same age I feel the same. Sometimes I'm enjoying myself or finding it especially easy to be stoical about mortality. But sometimes it makes me breathless with dread for a few minutes. The realisation I was probably born a bit too early for technology to give me immortality saddens me; I only have so many weekends left to do hobbies and even fewer blocks of a few thousand hours to master something new... So I have to prioritise which is annoying.
- RHSman2 3y ago
  I was afflicted with an awareness of existence from an early age and struggled with it till around 40. Having kids obviously enhanced that but also changed me so profoundly and I realized we are just human sized atoms flying through the universe. I’d simply advise to get on getting on. It is. You are you so see what you can do with it in the way you feel you can.
  - sanroot99 3y ago
    What is the point of being immortal, if lt bring eternal suffering, Life in itself current form is suffering for many, unless you solve all other problem other then just mortality, life in itself bring difference with long lifespan. Inherently I see no difference if I live 100 years or 1000 years.

isaacfrond 3y ago

Why would I optimize my entire life for a few minutes at the end of it. That makes no sense at all.

H8crilA 3y ago
That's not the point at all. The dying people described here were just more honest in their last moments. The lady who couldn't have one friend among her family because of her wealth, the old bitter man who couldn't process losing his wife - they suffered for decades. Possibly because of their own decisions. They did not have some bad last minutes, they had some bad last decades, and then minutes of reckoning.
finnjohnsen2 3y ago
this sounds too harsh, but I agree fully
kstenerud 3y ago
It's not about what you experience at the end of your life, but rather how you live your whole life leading up to it. People regret the things that held them back from being happy and loved and fulfilled. Their regrets during the last moments of their lives are moments of clarity when, with the noise of life removed, they finally notice the things they've been doing / not doing all these years that were hurting them and preventing their enjoyment of life. I took such advice to heart at 22, and have lived a VERY colorful life for the past 26 years after vowing to never have regrets over what I DIDN'T do.

robaato 3y ago

I can recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Final-Chapters-Hospice-Workers-Stories/dp/B089M4343J https://www.amazon.com/Final-Chapters-Hospice-Workers-Storie... Some really interesting stories and lessons.

eur0pa 3y ago

Too much cynicism on HN

JKCalhoun 3y ago
And yet this post made it way up the front-page of HN.

RCitronsBroker 3y ago

i have a weird relationship with death. Partly by choice, partly by chance, i lost the feeling of youthful invincibility pretty young and fast; i started medical school at 18 (Europe) and got my skydiving license around the same time. About 3 years later, i was deep in BASE/Skydiving and got into my role working in healthcare. Around the same time, i experienced some SERIOUS health problems for the first time. My usually tame Crohn’s turned into an ileus and months spent in the hospital. That, being confronted with mortality in healthcare plus witnessing someone go in at terminal velocity and no deployed canopy fucked me up bad. Still working on myself and the aftermath of the following existential crisis. Life is weird.

mensetmanusman 3y ago
I highly recommend a requiem mass/concert (Mozart). Incredibly profound and beautiful music from the past to contemplate our short existence. They will be happening this week in nearly every city. Eg: https://www.catholicchorale.org/schedule/cuf1ozg4xdcyrasujwgz1cz4lye020-5dcc2-rjz83-246ec-7t88h-spepz-f8h8j-3lb97-j77bt-9dph8 https://www.catholicchorale.org/schedule/cuf1ozg4xdcyrasujwg...

kubb 3y ago

I wonder what she means by entering the religious life. As somebody who was raised Catholic, I don’t believe there was ever a moment where I entered that I remember. The religion was present in my life almost since birth. There were important ceremonies like the first communion and confirmation, but those happened in childhood and adolescence.

darkerside 3y ago
I'm pretty sure she is talking about joining a nunnery or similar
layer8 3y ago
Religious life means consecrated life here (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consecrated_life https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consecrated_life),
mensetmanusman 3y ago
Devout Catholic families that attend weekly mass and have daily family prayer typically discuss vocations enough that teenagers internalize the various adventures in front of them (single life, religious life, married life, etc).
- acuozzo 3y ago
  Meh, I imagine there are many "devout" Catholic families like mine that go through all of the motions, but never even think of religion outside of the periodic rituals.
  - mensetmanusman 3y ago
    I think people are swimming in it not realizing. Intentional thought is not required. Good lecture by a Greek/Rome Historian: https://youtu.be/cDa4vpkNKeQ https://youtu.be/cDa4vpkNKeQ
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]

robviren 3y ago

I always struggle with balancing the advice given in pieces like this. The author suggested that they "eat their cake today" suggesting that putting off pleasure is a useless denial. Death could come for us at any moment, but I can't live like I'm dieing every day. There is just a mountain of nuance and self reflection between living some bohemian lifestyle where every moment must be filled with something and some stoic monk who has removed all want from their heart. It's too easy for me to surrender to the dopamine hits of all the things around me and find that what I actually enjoy feeling numb. Not looking for answers, I just wanted to speak for those who might struggle against filling each quiet moment with "joy" because hollow entertainment has eroded my true enjoyment more often than not.

sanderjd 3y ago
Right! This whole life thing is about striking a balance between "eat your cake today" and "spend your day in the field cultivating wheat to make the flour to make more cake in the future". In every moment of my life there has been some "cake" I could have "eaten" that would have been more enjoyable than all the hours I spent up in the middle of the night with screaming babies. But on my deathbed I'm certain it will be my investment of time in my children that I'm glad of, not the foregone "cake" I'm regretting.
- orasiscore 3y ago
  Some insightful thought there right!!!
- eitally 3y ago
  I think the real fundamental point that both you and the author make is that it's the things that are investments of time that are worthwhile, and that we should endeavor - in our mindfulness - to adjudicate the utility of time investments actively in order to maximize our ROI. I 100% agree! Going through the motions, getting dumped on, or losing one's ability to subjectively assess comparative value is no way to lead a happy life (for oneself of the ones around you).
- mtklein 3y ago

Condition1952 3y ago

“for a better home” that’s a bold assumption, though

p0d 3y ago

At 52 I found this article thoughtful. We shouldn't walk around fearing death but an awareness of our mortality should shape our decision making. For example, I am at an airport returning from another short break.I have decided not to wait until retirement to travel. I may not be here or up for it.

RHSman2 3y ago
Now

jplrssn 3y ago

Great read. As with everything, balance is key. But I’ve never heard of anyone on their deathbed wishing they’d spent less time with family and friends, and more time grinding away at work.

sanderjd 3y ago
I think this common truism is less true that it sounds at first blush. Sure, nobody wishes they spent more time "grinding away" at work. But I think lots of people find a calling in their work, and do indeed wish they had been able to spend more time in its pursuit, while also wishing they had spent more time with their family. Just to take the most extreme kind of example, I think scientists who have really hit on breakthroughs in their field feel more strongly that they wish they could have kept that up, done more of that, for longer. But I don't think that pattern is unusual at all. Lots of people find work that they believe they believe is valuable and that they are effective at, and only regret that there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things they value and find joy in, including their work.
- jplrssn 3y ago
  I don't disagree that many people find personal satisfaction in their work, beyond seeing it just as a source of money. I do too. Your point about time being zero-sum is a poignant one. Everyone wishes they had more hours in the day to spend doing things they like. But the question is about how we spend that marginal hour, and I think oftentimes it is better spent on family, friends or hobbies than our day jobs.
  - sanderjd 3y ago
    I guess I didn't state this very clearly because it's kind of an uncomfortable thing to state, but what I'm saying is that I think for a lot of people, for a lot of the hours, spending that marginal hour on work actually is the less-regretted way to spend it. But it's probably true that more people end up regretting that choice to spend that marginal hour on work for more of their hours that the opposite.
  - 3y ago

segasuperstar 3y ago

Loved the article

mensetmanusman 3y ago

Very well written, she has a gift.

hypeatei 3y ago

I'm of the belief that life is inherently suffering and really has no meaning. You can give your own meaning to it but it all seems pointless. (as I get ready for work to sit at a desk for 8 hours)

RHSman2 3y ago
You aren’t the first. The basis of Buddhism?
JKCalhoun 3y ago
Yes, give your own meaning to it.
hotpotamus 3y ago
Samesies, and man it sure seems like everyone who doesn't realize this has it easy. Like, people will say that you're depressed, but I'm pretty sure it's just rational.
- nevertoolate 3y ago
  I bet it felt good to feel superior to other’s who don’t see what you can :) And if it felt good why other thoughts or lack of thought couldn’t make you happy? And of course if you are happy why couldn’t you find a way to be happy all the time? Makes sense?
  - hotpotamus 3y ago
    Superior is not what I would say. As far as I know, most people believe they are going onto an eternal life in a better place; I think I would feel superior if I was able to believe such a thing.
  - yowlingcat 3y ago
    It's ironic that you say "I bet it felt good to feel superior to other’s who don’t see what you can" and then suffix it with a ":)" which is clearly passive aggressive and sorta demonstrates your own feelings of superiority to who you responded to. I think you should reconsider the way you speak to others as it may comes across as less condescending. The rest of your comment is far more interesting. It's fair to point out that even in feeling existential angst, there is a sense of "pleasure" in feeling that angst as a kind of knowledge, where that knowledge brings comfort and a sense of security in understanding the world as it is. But I'd argue that "if you are happy why couldn’t you find a way to be happy all the time?" is probably taking it too far and not really hitting at the precise issue. The precise issue, as it strikes me (just one guy's opinion, so take it with a grain of salt) is the gap between the present moment and whatever one is preoccupied with. Life can be "suffering" and "have no point" but is there really anything wrong with that? If you sit down at a blank page with a pencil, is the blankness of the page a lack of guidelines that is scary and insurmountable, or is it a world of freedom that gives you freedom and agency to bring your dreams to life? My question is that it doesn't matter. If you focus on the moment, on the pencil on the paper, and start moving it, and fully focus on the moment and the movement of the pencil to let it take on a life-in-and-of-itself where there is no conceptual gap between it and you, then you will have already succeeded. And a lot of things are like that. That's part of why weightlifting feels pleasant to me, and practicing an instrument feels pleasant to me -- you are fully in the moment. Is it suffering when you don't get to do it the right way, when you're not as strong or as technically skilled as you'd like to be? Maybe, but it also feels good too, because the pain also means you are growing and that you are learning. Just my unsolicited two cents.

fosstrack 3y ago

Notes to myself - "Sometimes, the people who have everything in life have nothing in death. But sometimes the people who have nothing in life have everything that they could ever want in their final hours." "I never go to bed angry." "I choose my words wisely with both friend and foe." "when people are lying in their deathbeds, they remember their parents and siblings and spouses and children and pets — not their high school geometry assignment or that one bad day at work 30 years ago."

borlanco 3y ago

Death is ultimate poverty. You lose everything you have and everything you are, all at once. And this ultimate loss is not avoidable nor reversible. And sometimes it comes without warning. So it's quite normal to fear death. My trick to not fear death too much is this: perhaps in theory I own what is mine, but in practice I just have some assets that were lent to me, and that will be lent to others after my death. I see myself as just some manager of what I have.

pizzafeelsright 3y ago
Yet someone once wrote "to die is gain". I hold to this mindset. I no longer fear death.
ilc 3y ago
Death is not poverty, because you do not experience poverty. You don't live in the squalor and suffer. You are DEAD. Death is the true absence of all, not a lacking of anything.

throw0101c 3y ago

If you're interested in this, you may want to look at Daniel Pink's book The Power of Regret. Interview (audio and video options): > Human beings are undeniably complex, and what motivates us can often be a mystery, even to ourselves. So, how do we go about gathering and analyzing the data that will help us answer the most fundamental questions about our lives and our purpose? The answers may lie in an unexpectedly rich source of knowledge, our regrets. While regret is likely to have a decidedly negative connotation for most of us, it is also extremely powerful and can teach us a great deal about ourselves and what we value. It is an emotion that is present in all of us, and social scientists (like anthropologists and sociologists) have been fascinated by the subject for decades. Today on the show, we are joined by one such expert, Daniel Pink, author of the book The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. In our conversation, Daniel shares details about the research he conducted for his book, how he determined the four main categories of regret, and what we can learn from our regrets by confronting them head-on. We also discuss Daniel’s 2011 New York Times Bestselling title, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, and what he thinks about working from home in light of the COVID-19 pandemic. Daniel is an exceptional storyteller and is highly knowledgeable on the subjects of regret, motivation, and the important role they play in our lives. To learn more about the many facets of regret and how it can help you thrive, be sure to tune in today! * https://rationalreminder.ca/podcast/246 https://rationalreminder.ca/podcast/246 Harvard has also been running a multi-decade (since 1938), and now multi-generational, studies on happiness and the current directors (there have been a few over the years) recently published a book with their current understanding of the data, The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness: * https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/01/harvard-happiness-study-relationships/672753/ https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/01/harvard-ha... * https://archive.ph/aCkTj https://archive.ph/aCkTj From a 2012 book from another director: > According to The Atlantic, George Vaillant's main conclusion is that the warmth of relationships throughout life has the greatest positive impact on life satisfaction. Put differently, Vaillant says the study shows: "Happiness is love. Full stop."[8] * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Study https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Study

Koshkin 3y ago

I used to believe that we eat in order to live. Now I think that we live in order to eat!

mseepgood 3y ago

The most important life lesson seems to be the consideration of a paid subscription to I.Q.

alok-g 3y ago

See also: Regrets of the Dying https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/ https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/

sdfghswe 3y ago

> While most girls my age were content to go to the mall and get mani pedis Condescending from the first phrase.

Jeff_Brown 3y ago

I find it easier to come to terms with death if I just accept that I'll have regrets.

dav43 3y ago
The view that I have formed is that we all have regrets. Anyone who claims they don’t is blinded by ego. That claim is only possible if every decision they made was the right one - at the time and with hindsight. Clearly, that is not possible.
- Jeff_Brown 3y ago
  Paraphrasing FDR, the only thing we have to regret is regret itself.

gchamonlive 3y ago

I am far from my deathbed (as far as I can possibly know today). I am trying to build a philosophical bed for my life going forward. It is hard and maybe pretentious to think I could know how to live today in order to satisfy my future self, but I think we can do very well if we tackle the subject head on. That means inviting both life and death to our lives. I invite life by intending to be present. It is not just meditating (if you enjoy it go for it, but do so because you actually enjoy it, not to become a master meditator in the future, that might eventually come naturally). It is savoring the moment. Shutting off things that require my attention right then and there and just being with myself, not really wanting to be anywhere else. I invite death by saying goodby to myself. By denying participating in the cult of nostalgia. That is not to say that I don't take pictures or I don't enjoy remembering good moments, but when I do so that is an act in itself, and not wanting to relive the moment. It is remembering the moment as an opportunity to both be grateful it happened and to also say goodbye to it. Saying goodbye to myself is also acknowledging that I will be different in another moment, as I was different in the past. My past self made mistakes and also made great (I still feel a little envious as how much I could enjoy computer games when I was a teenager). This unloads a huge burden that is to require myself to be consistent throughout my entire life. I change, I evolve. I die a lot, long before I die physically. Doing so I think frees me to pursue what I think makes me feel good. In my case that is to write computer programs, compose poetry, play my guitar. Study philosophy (if you like it too, I would refer to concepts like the Nietzschean demon or epicurean static and dynamic pleasures, as well as Simone Weil's attention). I also love my friends and family. I believe we are better off relinquishing a little bit of individuality in lieu of being more involved in our community. It is also nice to listen to our elders. They suffer from survivors bias the most and thus have a lot to teach us if we let them, and if we are able to abandon a little bit of the cult of the yound and new and perfect we are immersed in. This is not just a comment for you, it is also for me. Using this opportunity to take a snapshot of myself thinking about life and death while also sharing it. Edit: I would like to mention that this does not encompass every form of human existence. This would be insane, but I think I should say it. There is no peace of mind on an empty stomach or under the barrel of a gun. This comment does not try to encompass the extremes of human suffering. I can't say nothing about this other than that we as a society are failing to reduce human suffering. I think I would go to my deathbed regretting not being able to do more to make other humans suffer less.

gpgn 3y ago

I'm on the spectrum and whenever I think about possible regrets I might have on my deathbed, I always end up thinking “Who cares, I'm going to die anyway. Everything I have experienced will vanish with me, including the regrets I might possibly have.” It's nihilistic but I can’t help it.

michael_leachim 3y ago

we've had nightly air raid alerts for the last two years. Now there are less of them, but I don't know what the future will bring. I think russia is preparing their winter campaign of terror again, so we will see. When it is 3 in the morning and you hear explosions and you are really really fcking happy that it didn't hit you. You can also have no electricity and heat in the middle of the winter, but it sort of sortable if you go somewhere public where business have electricity generators. At first you get used to living like this, but after some time your natural resilience start to break and it can become quite difficult to live. So I've got a lot of time to think about life and death sort of things in this setting. I've got to understand one really simple thing. I should live my life in such a way that when it really hits me, there be no regrets for my time in this world. I need a bazzilion friends and experience love, I need that people think of sunshine when they remember me. Because I am love for every living thing. Everything will be the best way it could possibly be, every hard thing in life is there for a reason. That what lead to gender transition, but that the whole another story, lol

digging 3y ago
Very happy for you, taking such beautiful lessons and growth from such horror. Glad you've felt free to live as the person you are.

b3lvedere 3y ago

That was an awesome thing to read. I did not know i needed that right in this moment. Thank you. Reminded me of a small lyric of a song that very roughly translates to "Drink and empty your glasses, because this is the moment. You can never be sure if you're here tomorrow". Enjoy life while and when you can my fellow earthlings.

deleted 3y ago

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hearseguy 3y ago

This is one of those things that the majority of people simultaneously choose to ignore and also are very interested to talk about. For some reason, even though it'll happen to everyone, death remains a taboo subject. Live life, minimize regrets, have fun, enjoy it while lasts. I have discussed end of life issues with my kids, so they have an idea of what to expect. Even though I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not afraid of it. I take our caskets and hearses out to public events to provide insight and hopefully get people to think about and openly talk about death, trying to make it less taboo. Personally, I participate in a monthly death cafe, help preserve history by volunteering at our local cemetery, helping to run events, assist taking care of the grounds, repair and preserve headstones.

taylorius 3y ago

As an engineering type, with a touch of the ol' Asperger's, I find that it's very easy for life to become a series of corridors. You can run life on rails, sinking into your day to day tasks. I think the value of this sort of article is not some hard won, sophisticated insight, but rather a so-easily forgotten straightforward one. We know it, but we act as if we don't.

vlaaad 3y ago

Touching story. Life and death. Please consider paying. Heartbreaking story. Life and death Please consider paying. Tear-jerking story. Humanity and purpose. Please consider paying. Optimistic summary that makes you rethink your life. Please consider paying.

foknvp2er12 3y ago
yeah, please consider paying 50 bucks for a noname wordpress site with the default template.

allturtles 3y ago

Nice stories, but they seem rather pat and tidy, each with a neat little moral. OP spent 3 hours a week at a hospice for one semester (probably < 60 hours total), and came away with four different stories that could be pitches for episodes of "Hospice" the TV series? I dunno.

dghughes 3y ago

My Dad was a blue collar worker docks, janitor, painter, ships, loved fishing, loved hockey (Go Habs!). Dad died in hospice I sat there with him as he died. They pumped him full of drugs not saying what they were but I knew that he probably asked to not feel anything. I should say hospice is a great thing it's not a hospital bed that is a terrible place to be sick! The didn't even make Dad's bed! One thing I didn't know at the time was about hallucinations. Dad said he saw a wooly mammoth outside his room in the garden. Dad liked to joke and so we though nothing of it. Later I found out that meant a person was near death. It's often a silly thing they see or a loved one not death or bad things. Dad had been sick for nearly 20 years it was slow at first tiredness, he retired three years early, but then came the diagnosis of IPF and then five really rough years and one last bad six months. Such a long illness it seemed like a good thing to have time with him but sadness dragged on relationships. Mom was in denial until the moment he died (she went home no clue of how imminent death was). I didn't realize how much of my life it affected really about half my life. Not even a month into hospice Dad died a 8:40pm on my birthday April 21 in 2012 as Rick Steves Travel was on PBS TV channel showing Rome. If anything I say anxiety is what killed my Dad he was much better physically in hospice but the weight of being there in that place as good as it was is incredibly heavy and hard to bear. I am now astonished at how people older than Dad are walking around living their life no issues. Life is amazing we take it for granted.