3 ms·

This is said often, but a while ago I came across a post that made some fairly convincing arguments against this sort of "just go out" suggestion. If you're lo

This is said often, but a while ago I came across a post that made some fairly convincing arguments against this sort of "just go out" suggestion. If you're looking specifically for a relationship, where else should you go if not dating services/events? After all, it'd be weird to go to bars etc specifically with the intention of getting into a relationship (rather than just getting to know people). Many people aren't interested in spending a ton of time getting to know someone only to find out that they aren't interested in a relationship. Even prior to the emergence of the internet, dating services were/are a standard feature of many societies as a means for people to be introduced to other people who are also looking for a relationship, allowing them to just directly work towards that goal.

coding123 3y ago
That's not how you just go out - you don't go out to a bar. You meet friends, friends lots of friends. Walking groups, billiards team, church, gym, biking, hiking. You'll make strong relationships and friends this way. At the end of the year you'll be dating or married to your friends sister, or your friends sisters best friend. Don't live life "trying to score" just live life and people will be all around you. Be available.
- dotnet00 3y ago
  In my opinion that's genuinely not practical advice, and especially not for introverts and people with other priorities/situations. This isn't about living life "to score". For example, I personally would want to have been close with someone for at least a year before deciding to pursue something serious like marriage. If I were in my early 20s, I could afford to just make a ton of friends, maybe end up dating some of them, taking years and seeing how things play out. If I were in my 30s, I wouldn't want to spend another 5 years just dating around with people potentially uninterested in marriage. I'd want to just find people who are also looking to marry and get to know them directly, as after that there would still be the year of getting to know each other before committing. But unlike the former option, both of us would have approached the relationship with those factors already agreed upon. I've seen this sort of thing play out with aquaintances too, they were in a relationship for many years, acquaintance wanted to get married and start a family, partner stalled for a while and then decided they didn't want that. So now acquaintance is left at an age where she really just wants to deal only with people interested in marrying, she has enough friends otherwise. Similarly, other acquaintances, having made up their minds on when they want to have gotten married by, just reached out to their place of worship, which often provide similar dating services to waste less time and directly meet others with similar goals. Allowing them to put more time into solidifying their relationships before getting married.
  - sublinear 3y ago
    > partner stalled for a while and then decided they didn't want that. So now acquaintance is left at an age where she really just wants to deal only with people interested in marrying, she has enough friends otherwise. Gets scarier when you consider the divorce rate. This is a much deeper topic than just dating apps. I think what others are saying is that the apps trade quality for quantity. That's why Tinder became all about hookups. There are no shortcuts.
    - dotnet00 3y ago
      Maybe this is just a matter of a large culture gap, as effectively what I'm saying is that as a result of her desire to get married sooner, my acquaintance has become more open to what are effectively arranged marriages (without being forced by family and having time to get to know the potential partner) rather than solely pursuing a typical approach. As for the divorce rate, arranged marriages have a 4% divorce rate in the US, compared to the 40% rate for the typical approach, although of course this statistic has all sorts of priors involved regarding what type of person typically goes for an arranged marriage. I do however agree that this is might not be too relevant in the context of an app famous for being used for hookups, but on the other hand, the intent of this social suggestion feature is obviously to compete with other more 'serious' dating services in leading to longer term relationships.
lazystar 3y ago
a lot has been said about the "third place of gathering" recently, but I'll postulate that there's a 4th place where relationships start. places like adult sports leagues, clubs, hobbyist activities and the like. Places where the location and attendies change, but all attendies have a shared interest.
- nradov 3y ago
  Don't be "that guy" who hits on all the women in the co-ed Ultimate Frisbee team (or whatever). And I'm skeptical that shared interests are a solid basis for a relationship. My wife doesn't care about any of my sports or hobbies, and that's fine.
  - Fire-Dragon-DoL 3y ago
    To everyone their own, we consider shared hobbies an important aspect of our relationship
sublinear 3y ago
> I came across a post that made some fairly convincing arguments against this sort of "just go out" suggestion. Call me crazy but it's not hard to run into techno-propaganda. > Many people aren't interested in spending a ton of time getting to know someone only to find out that they aren't interested in a relationship. I think it just comes with age. I'm in my 30s now and women are not even a potential dating option for me until I know them for other reasons. If that makes them think I'm "playing" hard to get, that's a bonus. Physical attraction and momentary lust is shallow. Most people are attracted to most people by default. Just go out and meet people and take your time. High latency doesn't necessarily mean low throughput. > dating services were/are a standard feature of many societies Ah yes don't we all look forward to a new era of techno-feudalism.
- sshine 3y ago
  > Just go out and meet people and take your time. High latency doesn't necessarily mean low throughput. I agree except about the “Just” part. I had to break out of my lifestyle, since I wasn’t meeting anyone at work or at the gym. I wasn’t meeting in large groups of friends of friends like in my 20s.
  - MzHN 3y ago
    How did you change your lifestyle?
    - sshine 3y ago
      I overdid it. Quit work for a year, became a competition-level CrossFitter, started smoking and doing party drugs. Got a girlfriend who didn’t like my real self once it crept back during employment. Dating-wise, after that, I didn’t spend too much time with anyone I couldn’t see myself have kids with; alcoholic, depressed, or not attractive enough. I dated 3 people in 8 months and made sure to not drag things out for comfort. Sustainable lifestyle change takes years, but is its own reward. Work out, cook, have hobbies, do things offline, get good at ‘co-living’ skills like cleaning up and laundry. My wife puts up with a lot still! LARP’ing is always temporary.

coding123 3y ago

That's not how you just go out - you don't go out to a bar. You meet friends, friends lots of friends. Walking groups, billiards team, church, gym, biking, hiking. You'll make strong relationships and friends this way. At the end of the year you'll be dating or married to your friends sister, or your friends sisters best friend. Don't live life "trying to score" just live life and people will be all around you. Be available.

dotnet00 3y ago
In my opinion that's genuinely not practical advice, and especially not for introverts and people with other priorities/situations. This isn't about living life "to score". For example, I personally would want to have been close with someone for at least a year before deciding to pursue something serious like marriage. If I were in my early 20s, I could afford to just make a ton of friends, maybe end up dating some of them, taking years and seeing how things play out. If I were in my 30s, I wouldn't want to spend another 5 years just dating around with people potentially uninterested in marriage. I'd want to just find people who are also looking to marry and get to know them directly, as after that there would still be the year of getting to know each other before committing. But unlike the former option, both of us would have approached the relationship with those factors already agreed upon. I've seen this sort of thing play out with aquaintances too, they were in a relationship for many years, acquaintance wanted to get married and start a family, partner stalled for a while and then decided they didn't want that. So now acquaintance is left at an age where she really just wants to deal only with people interested in marrying, she has enough friends otherwise. Similarly, other acquaintances, having made up their minds on when they want to have gotten married by, just reached out to their place of worship, which often provide similar dating services to waste less time and directly meet others with similar goals. Allowing them to put more time into solidifying their relationships before getting married.
- sublinear 3y ago
  > partner stalled for a while and then decided they didn't want that. So now acquaintance is left at an age where she really just wants to deal only with people interested in marrying, she has enough friends otherwise. Gets scarier when you consider the divorce rate. This is a much deeper topic than just dating apps. I think what others are saying is that the apps trade quality for quantity. That's why Tinder became all about hookups. There are no shortcuts.
  - dotnet00 3y ago
    Maybe this is just a matter of a large culture gap, as effectively what I'm saying is that as a result of her desire to get married sooner, my acquaintance has become more open to what are effectively arranged marriages (without being forced by family and having time to get to know the potential partner) rather than solely pursuing a typical approach. As for the divorce rate, arranged marriages have a 4% divorce rate in the US, compared to the 40% rate for the typical approach, although of course this statistic has all sorts of priors involved regarding what type of person typically goes for an arranged marriage. I do however agree that this is might not be too relevant in the context of an app famous for being used for hookups, but on the other hand, the intent of this social suggestion feature is obviously to compete with other more 'serious' dating services in leading to longer term relationships.

lazystar 3y ago

a lot has been said about the "third place of gathering" recently, but I'll postulate that there's a 4th place where relationships start. places like adult sports leagues, clubs, hobbyist activities and the like. Places where the location and attendies change, but all attendies have a shared interest.

nradov 3y ago
Don't be "that guy" who hits on all the women in the co-ed Ultimate Frisbee team (or whatever). And I'm skeptical that shared interests are a solid basis for a relationship. My wife doesn't care about any of my sports or hobbies, and that's fine.
- Fire-Dragon-DoL 3y ago
  To everyone their own, we consider shared hobbies an important aspect of our relationship

sublinear 3y ago

> I came across a post that made some fairly convincing arguments against this sort of "just go out" suggestion. Call me crazy but it's not hard to run into techno-propaganda. > Many people aren't interested in spending a ton of time getting to know someone only to find out that they aren't interested in a relationship. I think it just comes with age. I'm in my 30s now and women are not even a potential dating option for me until I know them for other reasons. If that makes them think I'm "playing" hard to get, that's a bonus. Physical attraction and momentary lust is shallow. Most people are attracted to most people by default. Just go out and meet people and take your time. High latency doesn't necessarily mean low throughput. > dating services were/are a standard feature of many societies Ah yes don't we all look forward to a new era of techno-feudalism.

sshine 3y ago
> Just go out and meet people and take your time. High latency doesn't necessarily mean low throughput. I agree except about the “Just” part. I had to break out of my lifestyle, since I wasn’t meeting anyone at work or at the gym. I wasn’t meeting in large groups of friends of friends like in my 20s.
- MzHN 3y ago
  How did you change your lifestyle?
  - sshine 3y ago
    I overdid it. Quit work for a year, became a competition-level CrossFitter, started smoking and doing party drugs. Got a girlfriend who didn’t like my real self once it crept back during employment. Dating-wise, after that, I didn’t spend too much time with anyone I couldn’t see myself have kids with; alcoholic, depressed, or not attractive enough. I dated 3 people in 8 months and made sure to not drag things out for comfort. Sustainable lifestyle change takes years, but is its own reward. Work out, cook, have hobbies, do things offline, get good at ‘co-living’ skills like cleaning up and laundry. My wife puts up with a lot still! LARP’ing is always temporary.