4 ms·

Whose mother doesn't already suggest "matches" in real life? No app required. I hope this signals the beginning of the end for dating apps. You don't need an a

Whose mother doesn't already suggest "matches" in real life? No app required. I hope this signals the beginning of the end for dating apps. You don't need an app. You need to get out more. There are only so many places to develop social skills with complete strangers as an adult once you're out of school, especially post-pandemic. With those skills comes the ability to find people for any purpose from anywhere. I can't think of anything more foundational to being an adult.

Belopolye 3y ago
It’s funny because my experience has been that my mom was always 100% right about the women I would bring around.
- sublinear 3y ago
  Yes, my mother was also right when my choices needed improvement. At some point I started finding women that also satisfied my requirements, not just hers. Like everything else in life, you can't depend on your parents forever. The best partners are far beyond just mother approved, but people also change.
  - Belopolye 3y ago
    > Like everything else in life, you can't depend on your parents forever. The best partners are far beyond just mother approved, but people also change. I can agree with this, and I think there may be something to the idea that the people who know you best (in a healthy parent-child relationship) may have a good grasp on who may make a good partner. I’d also count friends.
- robocat 3y ago
  > mom was always 100% right 100% right about the bad matches? Have you had a good match yet? It is easier to be 100% right with negative opinion if your taste in partners is terrible. Or perhaps there is a selection bias and terrible partners choose you (I've seen this pattern with women-who give-too-much pairing with partners-that-take-too-much). A pattern I have noticed with heterosexual couples. Female friends can often spot bad female partners. Male friends can often spot unsuitable male partners. Could just be specific to my peers of course.
  - Belopolye 3y ago
    100% correct on both good and bad matches. The women who were just awful matches for me very quickly got the thumbs down, while the best relationships I had were all met with a lot of support. My mom’s first reaction after meeting my now wife was “how did you get her? Hell, I’ll marry her if you don’t.” Take this anecdote for what it’s worth. :)
    - robocat 3y ago
      Any idea of the reason your mum is skillful? Is she particularly good at seeing who fits you (plus seeing that you fit them)? Or perhaps she has a general skill of reading people and could pick for someone else (not you). Presumably she is looking at character? My guess would be your mum has skills. Certainly I know some mum's who don't!
heresie-dabord 3y ago
> You don't need an app. You need to get out more. And ask yourself whether you would want to be in a relationship with a chronoogical adult who continues to be so closely controlled by parents. Red Flag, dating site. Red Flag, mom provides active input on dating profiles.
- foobarian 3y ago
  Many people are happy to just let themselves set up with an arranged type situation.
- electrondood 3y ago
  Did you read the article? I think Tinder needs to be nuked from space, but the feature is more like social recommendations for matches, not your mom specifically.
dotnet00 3y ago
This is said often, but a while ago I came across a post that made some fairly convincing arguments against this sort of "just go out" suggestion. If you're looking specifically for a relationship, where else should you go if not dating services/events? After all, it'd be weird to go to bars etc specifically with the intention of getting into a relationship (rather than just getting to know people). Many people aren't interested in spending a ton of time getting to know someone only to find out that they aren't interested in a relationship. Even prior to the emergence of the internet, dating services were/are a standard feature of many societies as a means for people to be introduced to other people who are also looking for a relationship, allowing them to just directly work towards that goal.
- coding123 3y ago
  That's not how you just go out - you don't go out to a bar. You meet friends, friends lots of friends. Walking groups, billiards team, church, gym, biking, hiking. You'll make strong relationships and friends this way. At the end of the year you'll be dating or married to your friends sister, or your friends sisters best friend. Don't live life "trying to score" just live life and people will be all around you. Be available.
  - dotnet00 3y ago
    In my opinion that's genuinely not practical advice, and especially not for introverts and people with other priorities/situations. This isn't about living life "to score". For example, I personally would want to have been close with someone for at least a year before deciding to pursue something serious like marriage. If I were in my early 20s, I could afford to just make a ton of friends, maybe end up dating some of them, taking years and seeing how things play out. If I were in my 30s, I wouldn't want to spend another 5 years just dating around with people potentially uninterested in marriage. I'd want to just find people who are also looking to marry and get to know them directly, as after that there would still be the year of getting to know each other before committing. But unlike the former option, both of us would have approached the relationship with those factors already agreed upon. I've seen this sort of thing play out with aquaintances too, they were in a relationship for many years, acquaintance wanted to get married and start a family, partner stalled for a while and then decided they didn't want that. So now acquaintance is left at an age where she really just wants to deal only with people interested in marrying, she has enough friends otherwise. Similarly, other acquaintances, having made up their minds on when they want to have gotten married by, just reached out to their place of worship, which often provide similar dating services to waste less time and directly meet others with similar goals. Allowing them to put more time into solidifying their relationships before getting married.
solardev 3y ago
I'm not sure there are many socially acceptable places remaining for finding dates post-college, outside of the bar scene and singles' groups. It's fine if you organically join an activity meetup and happen to connect with people there, but if you go to these groups just to hit on people, you'd get in trouble pretty quick -- especially if you are not very physically attractive or socially skilled/charming. The dating apps provide a safe place for people to look for dates, mutually, and at least provides a pre-filter to exclude anyone that seems red-flaggy right off the bat. It's not the worst way to meet people or practice social skills, really. Expensive though, especially if you frequently buy dinner or drinks. I've used OkCupid on and off for ten years (or maybe a bit longer), starting from when I was young and super socially awkward, through the somewhat more grown-up years, to the boring old version of myself now (with a stable, long-term relationship that also started on OkCupid). A few summer flings, a few on-and-offs, many 1-date-only experiences... but overall, I met a lot of really fantastic people that way (including many that became friends; we just weren't compatible romantically/sexually/emotionally). Never had a bad experience. I'm a straight man in my 30s, mostly cis, average height/weight, average attractiveness. That is to say I have no special superpowers, but I also didn't have any huge barriers except my own awkwardness. Forcing myself to spend time on the dating apps and meeting people (alongside other social activities) really helped to get me out of my shell and learn to be OK with myself. Another foundational thing to being an adult, IMO, is giving yourself the room to fuck up and be forgiven later... not so much "fake it till you make it" but "keep doing it and just make sure to learn from your failures" -- implying a certain level of authentic vulnerability, not just false bravado and shallow suave. And also, learning to enjoy the company of others on many different levels: not just romantically or professionally, but also recreationally, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Mixing dating apps with other activities and outings can help your brain (and other parts...) figure out which is which and how they feel together and in which types of people. Fun stuff all around, but exhausting for sure!

Belopolye 3y ago

It’s funny because my experience has been that my mom was always 100% right about the women I would bring around.

sublinear 3y ago
Yes, my mother was also right when my choices needed improvement. At some point I started finding women that also satisfied my requirements, not just hers. Like everything else in life, you can't depend on your parents forever. The best partners are far beyond just mother approved, but people also change.
- Belopolye 3y ago
  > Like everything else in life, you can't depend on your parents forever. The best partners are far beyond just mother approved, but people also change. I can agree with this, and I think there may be something to the idea that the people who know you best (in a healthy parent-child relationship) may have a good grasp on who may make a good partner. I’d also count friends.
robocat 3y ago
> mom was always 100% right 100% right about the bad matches? Have you had a good match yet? It is easier to be 100% right with negative opinion if your taste in partners is terrible. Or perhaps there is a selection bias and terrible partners choose you (I've seen this pattern with women-who give-too-much pairing with partners-that-take-too-much). A pattern I have noticed with heterosexual couples. Female friends can often spot bad female partners. Male friends can often spot unsuitable male partners. Could just be specific to my peers of course.
- Belopolye 3y ago
  100% correct on both good and bad matches. The women who were just awful matches for me very quickly got the thumbs down, while the best relationships I had were all met with a lot of support. My mom’s first reaction after meeting my now wife was “how did you get her? Hell, I’ll marry her if you don’t.” Take this anecdote for what it’s worth. :)
  - robocat 3y ago
    Any idea of the reason your mum is skillful? Is she particularly good at seeing who fits you (plus seeing that you fit them)? Or perhaps she has a general skill of reading people and could pick for someone else (not you). Presumably she is looking at character? My guess would be your mum has skills. Certainly I know some mum's who don't!

heresie-dabord 3y ago

> You don't need an app. You need to get out more. And ask yourself whether you would want to be in a relationship with a chronoogical adult who continues to be so closely controlled by parents. Red Flag, dating site. Red Flag, mom provides active input on dating profiles.

foobarian 3y ago
Many people are happy to just let themselves set up with an arranged type situation.
electrondood 3y ago
Did you read the article? I think Tinder needs to be nuked from space, but the feature is more like social recommendations for matches, not your mom specifically.

dotnet00 3y ago

This is said often, but a while ago I came across a post that made some fairly convincing arguments against this sort of "just go out" suggestion. If you're looking specifically for a relationship, where else should you go if not dating services/events? After all, it'd be weird to go to bars etc specifically with the intention of getting into a relationship (rather than just getting to know people). Many people aren't interested in spending a ton of time getting to know someone only to find out that they aren't interested in a relationship. Even prior to the emergence of the internet, dating services were/are a standard feature of many societies as a means for people to be introduced to other people who are also looking for a relationship, allowing them to just directly work towards that goal.

coding123 3y ago
That's not how you just go out - you don't go out to a bar. You meet friends, friends lots of friends. Walking groups, billiards team, church, gym, biking, hiking. You'll make strong relationships and friends this way. At the end of the year you'll be dating or married to your friends sister, or your friends sisters best friend. Don't live life "trying to score" just live life and people will be all around you. Be available.
- dotnet00 3y ago
  In my opinion that's genuinely not practical advice, and especially not for introverts and people with other priorities/situations. This isn't about living life "to score". For example, I personally would want to have been close with someone for at least a year before deciding to pursue something serious like marriage. If I were in my early 20s, I could afford to just make a ton of friends, maybe end up dating some of them, taking years and seeing how things play out. If I were in my 30s, I wouldn't want to spend another 5 years just dating around with people potentially uninterested in marriage. I'd want to just find people who are also looking to marry and get to know them directly, as after that there would still be the year of getting to know each other before committing. But unlike the former option, both of us would have approached the relationship with those factors already agreed upon. I've seen this sort of thing play out with aquaintances too, they were in a relationship for many years, acquaintance wanted to get married and start a family, partner stalled for a while and then decided they didn't want that. So now acquaintance is left at an age where she really just wants to deal only with people interested in marrying, she has enough friends otherwise. Similarly, other acquaintances, having made up their minds on when they want to have gotten married by, just reached out to their place of worship, which often provide similar dating services to waste less time and directly meet others with similar goals. Allowing them to put more time into solidifying their relationships before getting married.

solardev 3y ago

I'm not sure there are many socially acceptable places remaining for finding dates post-college, outside of the bar scene and singles' groups. It's fine if you organically join an activity meetup and happen to connect with people there, but if you go to these groups just to hit on people, you'd get in trouble pretty quick -- especially if you are not very physically attractive or socially skilled/charming. The dating apps provide a safe place for people to look for dates, mutually, and at least provides a pre-filter to exclude anyone that seems red-flaggy right off the bat. It's not the worst way to meet people or practice social skills, really. Expensive though, especially if you frequently buy dinner or drinks. I've used OkCupid on and off for ten years (or maybe a bit longer), starting from when I was young and super socially awkward, through the somewhat more grown-up years, to the boring old version of myself now (with a stable, long-term relationship that also started on OkCupid). A few summer flings, a few on-and-offs, many 1-date-only experiences... but overall, I met a lot of really fantastic people that way (including many that became friends; we just weren't compatible romantically/sexually/emotionally). Never had a bad experience. I'm a straight man in my 30s, mostly cis, average height/weight, average attractiveness. That is to say I have no special superpowers, but I also didn't have any huge barriers except my own awkwardness. Forcing myself to spend time on the dating apps and meeting people (alongside other social activities) really helped to get me out of my shell and learn to be OK with myself. Another foundational thing to being an adult, IMO, is giving yourself the room to fuck up and be forgiven later... not so much "fake it till you make it" but "keep doing it and just make sure to learn from your failures" -- implying a certain level of authentic vulnerability, not just false bravado and shallow suave. And also, learning to enjoy the company of others on many different levels: not just romantically or professionally, but also recreationally, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Mixing dating apps with other activities and outings can help your brain (and other parts...) figure out which is which and how they feel together and in which types of people. Fun stuff all around, but exhausting for sure!