5 ms·

If you’re going to marry, marry well. I'd wager that 90% of not getting what you want in adulthood relates to compromise or deferral to your spouse.

tleilaxu 3y ago
Certainly feeling this right now. I do not have parents to give advice, and no “marriage role models” to speak of. This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account. It’s going to be a mess to get out of, but lesson learned…
- number6 3y ago
  Can relate. Love and light to you
- thoughtpeddler 3y ago
  You are not alone. It takes strength to leave that situation. There was a reason you got married in the first place to this first, so the change that occurs is often shocking and unexpected. Cut your losses sooner rather than later, you'll be eternally grateful for it.
- unsupp0rted 3y ago
  This is incredibly common and detrimental, to the point that red flags should be taught in school.
- AussieWog93 3y ago
  Have you brought this up with your spouse (at a good time, of course)? If you're thinking of torpedoing the relationship anyway, might as well risk offending/upsetting her. I don't know a thing about you, but there are plenty of people (especially people who have bullied, who I suspect would be over-represented here) who aren't necessarily surrounded by toxic people but fail to advocate for themselves and communicate what they need. If that describes you, then you're going to be "taken advantage of" by everyone, even people that don't want to have that sort of relationship. I've become more assertive in my relationship over the last couple of years and it's done wonders. There's a guy who works for me that needs to do the same too...
  - tleilaxu 3y ago
    No, I communicate very directly, and made my needs very clear over three years. The only time I suddenly was taken seriously and not ignored was when I started talking about ending the relationship - i.e. when her support was threatened and she had to actually care.
- TimedToasts 3y ago
  Hang in there. It took me a year to even feel 'normal'. Some days are 'one foot in front of each other'.
- abwizz 3y ago
  > This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account. imo that this feeling comes up in most marriages. might be a good idea to get some third-party feedback on your reflection(s) to asses whether there is as much basis to it as your feelings suggest or if it can be worked out. a long relationship has some value in itself, so the opportunity cost of a unneeded divorce could be huge.
belter 3y ago
That is a somewhat condescending statement, since it does not account for how your partner might change over the years.
- randomdata 3y ago
  Condescending requires some kind of emotional component. The above is stated in a "matter of fact" way, void of emotion. It is clear that most people go to lengths to try and find the right partner to marry. I am sure there are exceptions, but "this first person I just ran into walking down the street will do" is not the norm. Even if the first person you ran into on the street is who you marry, there will traditionally be a vetting (i.e. dating) process first to make sure you still believe it is the right choice after closer inspection. It is safe to say that the importance of finding the right person is generally accepted as an imperative to marriage. Will mistakes be made? Sure. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Things happen. Random chance bites everyone in some way eventually. But that doesn't mean it won't affect things.
bob1029 3y ago
This is why I stayed out of the game. I saw so many unhappy outcomes in my social circle that I figured my chances were not going to be very good. The typical family lifestyle is not for everyone and the propaganda pushing it is very strong from day 0. It took me about a decade to get over the feeling of "I am a piece of shit" for not participating in the circus that most of us think is perfectly normal and/or mandatory.
dlivingston 3y ago
Can you expand on this more?
yboris 3y ago
Y'all heard of polyamory? There are better models out there than staying only with one person and denying yourself the beauty of an expanded heart.
- pizzafeelsright 3y ago
  Have you found any successful configurations that last beyond 5 years? I know multiple families destroyed by such endeavors. I would caution against the division of affection. At some point a hierarchy is established whether by intent or by necessity.
  - altruios 3y ago
    >> Have you found any successful configurations that last beyond 5 years? Several, in the tens of dozens. This question keeps getting 'told at' the polygamous community. It is true, people break up, people in polygamous relations have more breakups because - they involve more people - more people get broken up. And yeah, it is harder: one bad seed ruins the bunch, so to speak, so poly break up happen more often, sure... This kind of 'question' is showing preconceived notions and bigotry that all polygamous relationships are unhealthy. >> At some point a hierarchy is established whether by intent or by necessity. Some people are very anti-hierarchy, and despite your assumptions: hierarchy is not a foregone conclusion. >> I know multiple families destroyed by such endeavors If you start off mono and bring N+1: you're going to have a bad time (more than likely). Poly doesn't fix a broken relationship, and it wasn't poly that was the problem (if poly was being proposed as a solution). >> I would caution against the division of affection. I would caution against withholding love from the world for hierarchical reasons. What's the consequences of withholding affection? A colder/harsher world.
    - vGPU 3y ago
      > tens of dozens. Compared to the hundreds of millions of current non-poly marriages? Regardless, poly is a non-starter without a significant male deficit ie post war that wipes out 20%+ of the male population.
- 3y ago
qingcharles 3y ago
This is hard. Often problems don't surface until a ways into the marriage. Both First Wife and I would certainly agree that the persons that appeared during our divorce were completely hidden to us both before and during our marriage.

tleilaxu 3y ago

Certainly feeling this right now. I do not have parents to give advice, and no “marriage role models” to speak of. This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account. It’s going to be a mess to get out of, but lesson learned…

number6 3y ago
Can relate. Love and light to you
thoughtpeddler 3y ago
You are not alone. It takes strength to leave that situation. There was a reason you got married in the first place to this first, so the change that occurs is often shocking and unexpected. Cut your losses sooner rather than later, you'll be eternally grateful for it.
unsupp0rted 3y ago
This is incredibly common and detrimental, to the point that red flags should be taught in school.
AussieWog93 3y ago
Have you brought this up with your spouse (at a good time, of course)? If you're thinking of torpedoing the relationship anyway, might as well risk offending/upsetting her. I don't know a thing about you, but there are plenty of people (especially people who have bullied, who I suspect would be over-represented here) who aren't necessarily surrounded by toxic people but fail to advocate for themselves and communicate what they need. If that describes you, then you're going to be "taken advantage of" by everyone, even people that don't want to have that sort of relationship. I've become more assertive in my relationship over the last couple of years and it's done wonders. There's a guy who works for me that needs to do the same too...
- tleilaxu 3y ago
  No, I communicate very directly, and made my needs very clear over three years. The only time I suddenly was taken seriously and not ignored was when I started talking about ending the relationship - i.e. when her support was threatened and she had to actually care.
TimedToasts 3y ago
Hang in there. It took me a year to even feel 'normal'. Some days are 'one foot in front of each other'.
abwizz 3y ago
> This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account. imo that this feeling comes up in most marriages. might be a good idea to get some third-party feedback on your reflection(s) to asses whether there is as much basis to it as your feelings suggest or if it can be worked out. a long relationship has some value in itself, so the opportunity cost of a unneeded divorce could be huge.

belter 3y ago

That is a somewhat condescending statement, since it does not account for how your partner might change over the years.

randomdata 3y ago
Condescending requires some kind of emotional component. The above is stated in a "matter of fact" way, void of emotion. It is clear that most people go to lengths to try and find the right partner to marry. I am sure there are exceptions, but "this first person I just ran into walking down the street will do" is not the norm. Even if the first person you ran into on the street is who you marry, there will traditionally be a vetting (i.e. dating) process first to make sure you still believe it is the right choice after closer inspection. It is safe to say that the importance of finding the right person is generally accepted as an imperative to marriage. Will mistakes be made? Sure. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Things happen. Random chance bites everyone in some way eventually. But that doesn't mean it won't affect things.

bob1029 3y ago

This is why I stayed out of the game. I saw so many unhappy outcomes in my social circle that I figured my chances were not going to be very good. The typical family lifestyle is not for everyone and the propaganda pushing it is very strong from day 0. It took me about a decade to get over the feeling of "I am a piece of shit" for not participating in the circus that most of us think is perfectly normal and/or mandatory.

dlivingston 3y ago

Can you expand on this more?

yboris 3y ago

Y'all heard of polyamory? There are better models out there than staying only with one person and denying yourself the beauty of an expanded heart.

pizzafeelsright 3y ago
Have you found any successful configurations that last beyond 5 years? I know multiple families destroyed by such endeavors. I would caution against the division of affection. At some point a hierarchy is established whether by intent or by necessity.
- altruios 3y ago
  >> Have you found any successful configurations that last beyond 5 years? Several, in the tens of dozens. This question keeps getting 'told at' the polygamous community. It is true, people break up, people in polygamous relations have more breakups because - they involve more people - more people get broken up. And yeah, it is harder: one bad seed ruins the bunch, so to speak, so poly break up happen more often, sure... This kind of 'question' is showing preconceived notions and bigotry that all polygamous relationships are unhealthy. >> At some point a hierarchy is established whether by intent or by necessity. Some people are very anti-hierarchy, and despite your assumptions: hierarchy is not a foregone conclusion. >> I know multiple families destroyed by such endeavors If you start off mono and bring N+1: you're going to have a bad time (more than likely). Poly doesn't fix a broken relationship, and it wasn't poly that was the problem (if poly was being proposed as a solution). >> I would caution against the division of affection. I would caution against withholding love from the world for hierarchical reasons. What's the consequences of withholding affection? A colder/harsher world.
  - vGPU 3y ago
    > tens of dozens. Compared to the hundreds of millions of current non-poly marriages? Regardless, poly is a non-starter without a significant male deficit ie post war that wipes out 20%+ of the male population.
3y ago

qingcharles 3y ago

This is hard. Often problems don't surface until a ways into the marriage. Both First Wife and I would certainly agree that the persons that appeared during our divorce were completely hidden to us both before and during our marriage.