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> They aren’t looking for “status” they are looking for someone who is emotionally intelligent. That’s what they say, and that’s what women’s magazines have to

> They aren’t looking for “status” they are looking for someone who is emotionally intelligent. That’s what they say, and that’s what women’s magazines have told them. Reality is the opposite, and has been demonstrated over and over both a scientifically and informally. Or to put it another way: the reason even the hottest 1% of women complain about men’s poor EQ is because they’re not optimising for it when choosing a partner. They’re partnering with the matching top 1% of men based on social status and wealth, and every attribute unimportant to women has a random value. That’s why even attractive women with their pick of partners will complain about men’s EQ. They don’t care enough to choose a man with high EQ, but they care just enough to complain about it. It’s like someone buying a Tesla and then bitching about minor quibbles. If they cared about those issues they would have bought a Toyota.

dahwolf 3y ago
Not to mention that emotionally intelligent is somewhat of an insulting term. Men and women deal with and express emotions in radically different ways, that doesn't make one way more mature or intelligent.
- itishappy 3y ago
  Some people recognize that fact, some don't. Surely that disparity is itself an aspect of emotional intelligence? I'm not sure I follow how that's insulting.
  - dahwolf 3y ago
    It's insulting in the sense that the stoicism of many men is considered unintelligent, primitive, underdeveloped. You can frame it how you want. It can also be projected as a strength (emotional control). Or men simply being less interested in exchanging emotions intensely as it's just not that important to them.
    - KptMarchewa 3y ago
      The "emotional control" that causes them to absolutely blow the fuck up? It's not unintelligent, primitive or underdeveloped, it's simply a meme, an idea that some people can even sincerely believe but at the end it's a pure lie.
      - lcnPylGDnU4H9OF 3y ago
        > blow the fuck up I would consider the possibility of BPD. This is kind of a hallmark symptom. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disor... Point being: I’ve known men who are “stoic” in this way and emotionally stable because they don’t otherwise have mental health issues.
      - jdietrich 3y ago
        Men experience significantly lower rates of most common mental disorders; that gap is wider in younger people, appears to be widening over time and persists after controlling for confounding variables. Men are more likely to die by suicide, but they're drastically less likely to attempt suicide; the discrepancy is accounted for by men choosing more lethal means. There is simply no evidence to support the idea that women are better at coping with psychological distress, or that men would benefit from adopting stereotypically female coping strategies.
        KptMarchewa 3y ago
        >Men experience significantly lower rates of most common mental disorders; Men are diagnosed significantly lower, not experience.
        disgruntledphd2 3y ago
        Well we don't really know, as we have no blind test for this. Science on humans is hard.
        deleted 3y ago
        [deleted]
- jhanschoo 3y ago
  > Men and women deal with and express emotions in radically different ways With this statement, I think you are coming from a place of cultural bias. I find that men and women are more alike than "radically different" with emotions, with similar emotional needs and wants (perhaps to different degrees, but there is much variation within gender, I feel). However, in some societies, how they are allowed to recognize, validate, and meet those needs and wants are strongly shaped and regulated. For example, in Roman society, a woman who would want fame and prestige from being seen as virtuous would try to become a Vestal, or show extreme fidelity to a husband publicly. Today, a surer route to fame and prestige will look very different. I don't think you know what is being meant here by emotionally intelligent. An abusive person who cannot control their anger, or someone who abuses alcohol to cope with their feelings in a detrimental way is an example of someone who is not emotionally intelligent. A person who can, most of the time, empathize with you, and can give and accept help and advice based on your goals putting you first (and explicate and communicate situations wherein they have to prioritize themselves or someone else), and knows their own goals and emotions and what they need, are some of the traits and behaviors of what people refer to as an emotionally intelligent person. Sometimes you see the term emotionally mature, which means the same thing.
  - ragequittah 3y ago
    I feel like this idea of emotional intelligence is impossible to achieve without first having a partner to develop it along side . And given the surprising amount of men who never have a partner these days, to expect them to come factory installed with these settings seems like expecting a 3 year old not to spill juice on their shirt. I wouldn't expect a 25 year old woman who has never been on a date to understand the nuances of how to be a good partner either.
    - soylentcola 3y ago
      Very good point. I'm a straight man in my mid 40s. Had two long-term relationships over the past 20 years that eventually ended. Mostly had shorter ones and one longer one in my teens/20s. I've been seeing someone now for just shy of 2 years and I've really noticed how much differently I approach things now. Obviously not perfect, but things I simply didn't understand or know how to deal with constructively in the past seem at least familiar now. Essentially, I have a clue now. This isn't an "end state" but rather a process of learning and developing that continues - but has gotten to a point where I feel like a much better partner than I probably was in the past. I didn't have terribly great role models to emulate in this regard and I wasn't born knowing how to participate in a romantic relationship. But I've at least had some experience in what can work, what doesn't work well, and where I need to focus to avoid mistakes I've made or others could've handled better.

dahwolf 3y ago

Not to mention that emotionally intelligent is somewhat of an insulting term. Men and women deal with and express emotions in radically different ways, that doesn't make one way more mature or intelligent.

itishappy 3y ago
Some people recognize that fact, some don't. Surely that disparity is itself an aspect of emotional intelligence? I'm not sure I follow how that's insulting.
- dahwolf 3y ago
  It's insulting in the sense that the stoicism of many men is considered unintelligent, primitive, underdeveloped. You can frame it how you want. It can also be projected as a strength (emotional control). Or men simply being less interested in exchanging emotions intensely as it's just not that important to them.
  - KptMarchewa 3y ago
    The "emotional control" that causes them to absolutely blow the fuck up? It's not unintelligent, primitive or underdeveloped, it's simply a meme, an idea that some people can even sincerely believe but at the end it's a pure lie.
    - lcnPylGDnU4H9OF 3y ago
      > blow the fuck up I would consider the possibility of BPD. This is kind of a hallmark symptom. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disor... Point being: I’ve known men who are “stoic” in this way and emotionally stable because they don’t otherwise have mental health issues.
    - jdietrich 3y ago
      Men experience significantly lower rates of most common mental disorders; that gap is wider in younger people, appears to be widening over time and persists after controlling for confounding variables. Men are more likely to die by suicide, but they're drastically less likely to attempt suicide; the discrepancy is accounted for by men choosing more lethal means. There is simply no evidence to support the idea that women are better at coping with psychological distress, or that men would benefit from adopting stereotypically female coping strategies.
      - KptMarchewa 3y ago
        >Men experience significantly lower rates of most common mental disorders; Men are diagnosed significantly lower, not experience.
        disgruntledphd2 3y ago
        Well we don't really know, as we have no blind test for this. Science on humans is hard.
      - deleted 3y ago
        [deleted]
jhanschoo 3y ago
> Men and women deal with and express emotions in radically different ways With this statement, I think you are coming from a place of cultural bias. I find that men and women are more alike than "radically different" with emotions, with similar emotional needs and wants (perhaps to different degrees, but there is much variation within gender, I feel). However, in some societies, how they are allowed to recognize, validate, and meet those needs and wants are strongly shaped and regulated. For example, in Roman society, a woman who would want fame and prestige from being seen as virtuous would try to become a Vestal, or show extreme fidelity to a husband publicly. Today, a surer route to fame and prestige will look very different. I don't think you know what is being meant here by emotionally intelligent. An abusive person who cannot control their anger, or someone who abuses alcohol to cope with their feelings in a detrimental way is an example of someone who is not emotionally intelligent. A person who can, most of the time, empathize with you, and can give and accept help and advice based on your goals putting you first (and explicate and communicate situations wherein they have to prioritize themselves or someone else), and knows their own goals and emotions and what they need, are some of the traits and behaviors of what people refer to as an emotionally intelligent person. Sometimes you see the term emotionally mature, which means the same thing.
- ragequittah 3y ago
  I feel like this idea of emotional intelligence is impossible to achieve without first having a partner to develop it along side . And given the surprising amount of men who never have a partner these days, to expect them to come factory installed with these settings seems like expecting a 3 year old not to spill juice on their shirt. I wouldn't expect a 25 year old woman who has never been on a date to understand the nuances of how to be a good partner either.
  - soylentcola 3y ago
    Very good point. I'm a straight man in my mid 40s. Had two long-term relationships over the past 20 years that eventually ended. Mostly had shorter ones and one longer one in my teens/20s. I've been seeing someone now for just shy of 2 years and I've really noticed how much differently I approach things now. Obviously not perfect, but things I simply didn't understand or know how to deal with constructively in the past seem at least familiar now. Essentially, I have a clue now. This isn't an "end state" but rather a process of learning and developing that continues - but has gotten to a point where I feel like a much better partner than I probably was in the past. I didn't have terribly great role models to emulate in this regard and I wasn't born knowing how to participate in a romantic relationship. But I've at least had some experience in what can work, what doesn't work well, and where I need to focus to avoid mistakes I've made or others could've handled better.