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My ex was a relationship therapist. She was absolutely allergic to letting scar tissue build up. She would tell me about every little negative thing that happen

My ex was a relationship therapist. She was absolutely allergic to letting scar tissue build up. She would tell me about every little negative thing that happened between us. And she would phrase it by talking about her feelings rather than about my actions. ("I felt hurt when I heard you say X," rather than "You shouldn't have said X.") Suffice it to say, it freaked out. I wasn't used to people sharing their feelings with me. In normal relationships, by the time someone is telling you they feel <insert negative emotion>, a ton of scar tissue has already been built up, and they're at a breaking point. So I was conditioned to believing that sharing feelings = things have gotten really bad. But early on she would calm me down, and say no, things aren't bad, she's fine, she's just into sharing feelings early and often to prevent the buildup of resentment. So I got used to it, and even started doing the same thing back. Eventually our relationship ended, but I brought the practice to new relationships I entered afterwards. And, unsurprisingly, it kind of freaked people out! Almost nobody is used to it at first, just like I wasn't. It's incredibly easy to get defensive when someone lets you know that they felt bad in response to something you did. And it's usually vulnerable and risky to find the words to share feelings without arousing the other person's defenses. Still, when I look back at how I've evolved as a person, I credit this "scar tissue" view of relationships with a lot of personal growth. It's given me a habit of confronting people problems head on, something past-me was unconsciously avoidant of. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and being willing to have uncomfortable conversations instead of kicking the can down the road is one of the hallmarks of adulthood and maturity.

nazka 3y ago
This type of communication has actually a name, it called non-violent communication. There are books about it. It is one of the best way to communicate when things gets tough or are in a crisis. Since it avoids finger pointing, personal attacks (even when we don’t mean to), etc... and still being able to talk about the issue and how we feel (instead of how the other should do such and such or putting words in their mouths). But I guess it can be weird to be used all the time and maybe without explicitly talking about.
- kortilla 3y ago
  Non-violent communication is orthogonal to addressing scar tissue. You can use non-violent communication and not address scar tissue and you can use “violent communication” to address scar tissue.
  - spiralganglion 3y ago
    Can you give some examples? In particular, an example of how using "violent communication" could ever address scar tissue.
    - kortilla 3y ago
      Scar tissue comes from leaving an issue unaddressed, it’s not related to how it’s addressed. My wife, “it pisses me off when you don’t do the dishes on your night like you did last night!” Me, “oh shit, I completely forgot. It’s not intentional, I’ll set a calendar reminder.” Scar tissue isn’t from “aggressive” or even “accusatory” words. It’s unrelated.
      - kachnuv_ocasek 3y ago
        Your example really doesn't illustrate the distinction that you claim. Non-violent communication is not about “being nice” and not using “aggressive” words, whatever that means.
        Karunamon 3y ago
        In which case the name is awful and the concept should be referred to with a different label. The point of those is to communicate meaning, if the very first thing that happens is this kind of misunderstanding that we have failed before we even started.
        nazka 3y ago
        Ya I agree. When I bring this label I go into details into explaining it’s a method with a template etc. Or else people will get a very different idea from the name itself.
shon 3y ago
This style of communication is well defined and works quite well. It’s sometimes called Imago Dialogue. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5ccf42ef3560c333a837696c/1563313473096-KXTFTV77HO2KN4FTSTEG/Imago%2B-%2Bsender.jpg?format=1500w https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5ccf42ef3560c3... As you said, If you can get the other person over the shock of talking about feelings it’s a very useful tool to keep a relationship running well or even repair a damaged one with scar tissue.
- wenc 3y ago
  Yes, I learned about Imago dialogue through a book called "Getting the Love You Want" (which sounded gimmicky, but it was recommended by a therapist friend, and I've found it surprisingly practical, not just for intimate relationships but also just relationships with friends and coworkers). The book Nonviolent Communication also basically teaches a similar structured conversation technique. It's the stuff that most marriage therapists teach, but it was a revelation to me. I'm a brutally direct communicator (and I justify myself by saying "I'm honest and expect honesty from people") but I also tend to damage relationships (surprise! communication is not about 1 person's preference but 2). After many relationships that didn't work out, I decided to take a step back and ask myself what I could be doing better, and one of the things was learning to communicate in a way that others found less alienating, without compromising my own style. I stumbled upon the Imago technique and it has worked really well. One of the major takeaways for me that it is important to validate people and be curious, whether you agree with them or not. I used to think this was a contradiction, and that bad ideas need to be corrected immediately, but I've since learned that it's possible to validate people without agreeing with them. The point is to make them feel heard first, and then I can present my own view. Here's an example of how validation works (without agreeing): https://www.onsolidgroundcounseling.com/post/2015/08/31/creating-closeness-in-disagreement-the-power-of-validation https://www.onsolidgroundcounseling.com/post/2015/08/31/crea...
  - JackFr 3y ago
    When many people describe themselves as brutally honest, they seem to believe that being honest is a license for brutality.
notRobot 3y ago
My current partner does this too. Communicates a lot and early so there's no build up of resentment. It took me a long time to adjust to this, it was jarring since it was so new to me. But I've grown to appreciate it so much, and I try to do the same. Your comment and the OP have taken me a bit by surprise, in how closely they match my own experiences. It's kind of validating! Thank you :)
gedy 3y ago
> She would tell me about every little negative thing that happened between us. Without sounding callous, I have to say I prefer a relationship where we don't do this and let the little things go. I'm an extremely self conscious person and already rather hard on myself and this would drive me away from the relationship due to feeling like walking on eggshells or being controlled in detailed ways. (Married 20+ years btw)
- Taywee 3y ago
  Depends what you mean by "little things". If it's "a little thing that happened", then absolutely. If it's "a little thing that happens regularly", then it's worth discussing it before it snowballs.
  - gedy 3y ago
    OP sounded more like the first; something ongoing, sure.
    - csallen 3y ago
      To me it felt like "every little thing," but that was due to a combination of me being defensive + not seeing the value in communication and preventing resentment. Today I'd consider many of those little things to be important.
- grugagag 3y ago
  > due to feeling like walking on eggshells or being controlled in detailed ways Sure, this could be done badly and could backfire. But it could also be done in a once a week session where partners share what they feel to each other. This is what I'd like actually and I admit it is not easy. I personally get over the small things fast and tend to forget them till their next occurrence, and at some point of this repeating I end up just spitting it out on the spot. It doesn't help that my partner dismisses everything I say as a kind of being oversensitive. If it wasn't for us having a child together we'd most likely go our separate ways.
agumonkey 3y ago
This has to be merged with inherited lineage trauma. I've seen many adults of the previous generations who were incapable of talking or listening normally, creating cycles of silence and rage. It took decades for me to snap out of it, and when I tried to get the point across, they kept repeating nodding but repeating the same things. Very disturbing.
- saiya-jin 3y ago
  I've had a chat with psychotherapist one and we both agreed, at least from our own limited experience - previous generations were/are very stiff when it comes to emotions, sharing them openly, talking about them. I mean even within 1 generation, from my father to me, the difference is massive. Not sure on what to pinpoint it exactly, we saw and see massive transformations of our societes at neck-breaking speed. When my late grandma saw how I hold and hug my then-girlfriend, she just sighted 'why cant I have a bit of that', and said similar stuff about my father (aka her son just to be clear). In fact, I used to be like you describe when young, quiet till explosion, rinse and repeat. Something when growing up changed in me, I was growing up slowly till my mid 30s, even redefined who I am by diving into mountain/extreme sports, handling one's fears ie of dying quite regurarly has quite an effect. Plus a lot of backpacking around the world in 3rd world countries, I cant be xenophobic or +-racist like many former peers even if I tried hard after that. My parents lived in communist eastern block, this kind of adventure stuff was unheard of, so I dont blame them. My advice to anybody and everybody out there - expose yourself to intense experiences, cultures, understand how everything works (schools made me hate those topics, took a decade+ to find my own way back to them). Everything changes you, imprints on you, makes you richer and better person, the more intense experience the more profound effect. Just stay the fuck out of comfort zone for as long as you can.
matwood 3y ago
Reminds me of Blake’s “A Poison Tree”. Communication matters. Let issues fester and they can lead to bad places.
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
thelastparadise 3y ago
> Suffice it to say, it freaked out And then it put the lotion on its skin?
- chrisweekly 3y ago
  haha, clearly OP meant "freaked [me] out" but that was a funny way to point it out
grepLeigh 3y ago
Love this, and it hits on one of the most important exercises in relationships building: validating the other person. When we're defensive, it's easy to invalidate the other person's feelings. Validation is setting aside your own world-view to make someone else feel seen, heard, appreciated, and understood. When you break open "scar tissue" early and often, you have a chance to practice validating someone else's feelings (and having your own feelings validated in return).
knallfrosch 3y ago
The biggest step is being able to separate guilt from responsibility. Yes, i felt bad, yes it was caused by your actions and you're responsible if it happens again. But: You didn't know and didn't intent to hurt me, so you're not a bad person.
jules 3y ago
> She would tell me about every little negative thing that happened between us. I would not want to be in such a relationship, to be honest. Just learn to accept each other's small flaws and try to be kind. Little things only build up if you let them. Verbalising everything and putting negativity into focus is actually one of those ways that scar tissue can build up. The best way for it to not build up is to let the little things go.
- inkcapmushroom 3y ago
  >Little things only build up if you let them I thought I was this way before. I realized that it's not true, I am bothered by the little things and they do add up over time. I may not remember exactly how many times some little pet peeve has annoyed me, but you can bet by the fourth or fifth time my physical reaction to the peeve will be much stronger than the first time. It's feels like indigestion, a really unpleasant sensation in the gut. Once I notice I am having an unpleasant physical reaction to something I try to get it out immediately if it's something that I feel we should talk about.
  - jules 3y ago
    I also have peeves that I find hard to let go of, but I view those as a personal flaw.
greenail 3y ago
This doesn't work when you are in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder like BPD. They use it to hurt not to heal.
fsociety 3y ago
My life has improved immensely from practicing this form of communication. I had to learn to sit with a lot of discomfort going through this process. It eventually translated into me not putting up with other people’s shit in my professional career. Most notably, my conversations with close ones are no longer irrelevant small talk or about details of the day which don’t matter. It feels like I can have conversation with true substance now.

nazka 3y ago

This type of communication has actually a name, it called non-violent communication. There are books about it. It is one of the best way to communicate when things gets tough or are in a crisis. Since it avoids finger pointing, personal attacks (even when we don’t mean to), etc... and still being able to talk about the issue and how we feel (instead of how the other should do such and such or putting words in their mouths). But I guess it can be weird to be used all the time and maybe without explicitly talking about.

kortilla 3y ago
Non-violent communication is orthogonal to addressing scar tissue. You can use non-violent communication and not address scar tissue and you can use “violent communication” to address scar tissue.
- spiralganglion 3y ago
  Can you give some examples? In particular, an example of how using "violent communication" could ever address scar tissue.
  - kortilla 3y ago
    Scar tissue comes from leaving an issue unaddressed, it’s not related to how it’s addressed. My wife, “it pisses me off when you don’t do the dishes on your night like you did last night!” Me, “oh shit, I completely forgot. It’s not intentional, I’ll set a calendar reminder.” Scar tissue isn’t from “aggressive” or even “accusatory” words. It’s unrelated.
    - kachnuv_ocasek 3y ago
      Your example really doesn't illustrate the distinction that you claim. Non-violent communication is not about “being nice” and not using “aggressive” words, whatever that means.
      - Karunamon 3y ago
        In which case the name is awful and the concept should be referred to with a different label. The point of those is to communicate meaning, if the very first thing that happens is this kind of misunderstanding that we have failed before we even started.
        nazka 3y ago
        Ya I agree. When I bring this label I go into details into explaining it’s a method with a template etc. Or else people will get a very different idea from the name itself.

shon 3y ago

This style of communication is well defined and works quite well. It’s sometimes called Imago Dialogue. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5ccf42ef3560c333a837696c/1563313473096-KXTFTV77HO2KN4FTSTEG/Imago%2B-%2Bsender.jpg?format=1500w https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5ccf42ef3560c3... As you said, If you can get the other person over the shock of talking about feelings it’s a very useful tool to keep a relationship running well or even repair a damaged one with scar tissue.

wenc 3y ago
Yes, I learned about Imago dialogue through a book called "Getting the Love You Want" (which sounded gimmicky, but it was recommended by a therapist friend, and I've found it surprisingly practical, not just for intimate relationships but also just relationships with friends and coworkers). The book Nonviolent Communication also basically teaches a similar structured conversation technique. It's the stuff that most marriage therapists teach, but it was a revelation to me. I'm a brutally direct communicator (and I justify myself by saying "I'm honest and expect honesty from people") but I also tend to damage relationships (surprise! communication is not about 1 person's preference but 2). After many relationships that didn't work out, I decided to take a step back and ask myself what I could be doing better, and one of the things was learning to communicate in a way that others found less alienating, without compromising my own style. I stumbled upon the Imago technique and it has worked really well. One of the major takeaways for me that it is important to validate people and be curious, whether you agree with them or not. I used to think this was a contradiction, and that bad ideas need to be corrected immediately, but I've since learned that it's possible to validate people without agreeing with them. The point is to make them feel heard first, and then I can present my own view. Here's an example of how validation works (without agreeing): https://www.onsolidgroundcounseling.com/post/2015/08/31/creating-closeness-in-disagreement-the-power-of-validation https://www.onsolidgroundcounseling.com/post/2015/08/31/crea...
- JackFr 3y ago
  When many people describe themselves as brutally honest, they seem to believe that being honest is a license for brutality.

notRobot 3y ago

My current partner does this too. Communicates a lot and early so there's no build up of resentment. It took me a long time to adjust to this, it was jarring since it was so new to me. But I've grown to appreciate it so much, and I try to do the same. Your comment and the OP have taken me a bit by surprise, in how closely they match my own experiences. It's kind of validating! Thank you :)

gedy 3y ago

> She would tell me about every little negative thing that happened between us. Without sounding callous, I have to say I prefer a relationship where we don't do this and let the little things go. I'm an extremely self conscious person and already rather hard on myself and this would drive me away from the relationship due to feeling like walking on eggshells or being controlled in detailed ways. (Married 20+ years btw)

Taywee 3y ago
Depends what you mean by "little things". If it's "a little thing that happened", then absolutely. If it's "a little thing that happens regularly", then it's worth discussing it before it snowballs.
- gedy 3y ago
  OP sounded more like the first; something ongoing, sure.
  - csallen 3y ago
    To me it felt like "every little thing," but that was due to a combination of me being defensive + not seeing the value in communication and preventing resentment. Today I'd consider many of those little things to be important.
grugagag 3y ago
> due to feeling like walking on eggshells or being controlled in detailed ways Sure, this could be done badly and could backfire. But it could also be done in a once a week session where partners share what they feel to each other. This is what I'd like actually and I admit it is not easy. I personally get over the small things fast and tend to forget them till their next occurrence, and at some point of this repeating I end up just spitting it out on the spot. It doesn't help that my partner dismisses everything I say as a kind of being oversensitive. If it wasn't for us having a child together we'd most likely go our separate ways.

agumonkey 3y ago

This has to be merged with inherited lineage trauma. I've seen many adults of the previous generations who were incapable of talking or listening normally, creating cycles of silence and rage. It took decades for me to snap out of it, and when I tried to get the point across, they kept repeating nodding but repeating the same things. Very disturbing.

saiya-jin 3y ago
I've had a chat with psychotherapist one and we both agreed, at least from our own limited experience - previous generations were/are very stiff when it comes to emotions, sharing them openly, talking about them. I mean even within 1 generation, from my father to me, the difference is massive. Not sure on what to pinpoint it exactly, we saw and see massive transformations of our societes at neck-breaking speed. When my late grandma saw how I hold and hug my then-girlfriend, she just sighted 'why cant I have a bit of that', and said similar stuff about my father (aka her son just to be clear). In fact, I used to be like you describe when young, quiet till explosion, rinse and repeat. Something when growing up changed in me, I was growing up slowly till my mid 30s, even redefined who I am by diving into mountain/extreme sports, handling one's fears ie of dying quite regurarly has quite an effect. Plus a lot of backpacking around the world in 3rd world countries, I cant be xenophobic or +-racist like many former peers even if I tried hard after that. My parents lived in communist eastern block, this kind of adventure stuff was unheard of, so I dont blame them. My advice to anybody and everybody out there - expose yourself to intense experiences, cultures, understand how everything works (schools made me hate those topics, took a decade+ to find my own way back to them). Everything changes you, imprints on you, makes you richer and better person, the more intense experience the more profound effect. Just stay the fuck out of comfort zone for as long as you can.

matwood 3y ago

Reminds me of Blake’s “A Poison Tree”. Communication matters. Let issues fester and they can lead to bad places.

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]

thelastparadise 3y ago

> Suffice it to say, it freaked out And then it put the lotion on its skin?

chrisweekly 3y ago
haha, clearly OP meant "freaked [me] out" but that was a funny way to point it out

grepLeigh 3y ago

Love this, and it hits on one of the most important exercises in relationships building: validating the other person. When we're defensive, it's easy to invalidate the other person's feelings. Validation is setting aside your own world-view to make someone else feel seen, heard, appreciated, and understood. When you break open "scar tissue" early and often, you have a chance to practice validating someone else's feelings (and having your own feelings validated in return).

knallfrosch 3y ago

The biggest step is being able to separate guilt from responsibility. Yes, i felt bad, yes it was caused by your actions and you're responsible if it happens again. But: You didn't know and didn't intent to hurt me, so you're not a bad person.

jules 3y ago

> She would tell me about every little negative thing that happened between us. I would not want to be in such a relationship, to be honest. Just learn to accept each other's small flaws and try to be kind. Little things only build up if you let them. Verbalising everything and putting negativity into focus is actually one of those ways that scar tissue can build up. The best way for it to not build up is to let the little things go.

inkcapmushroom 3y ago
>Little things only build up if you let them I thought I was this way before. I realized that it's not true, I am bothered by the little things and they do add up over time. I may not remember exactly how many times some little pet peeve has annoyed me, but you can bet by the fourth or fifth time my physical reaction to the peeve will be much stronger than the first time. It's feels like indigestion, a really unpleasant sensation in the gut. Once I notice I am having an unpleasant physical reaction to something I try to get it out immediately if it's something that I feel we should talk about.
- jules 3y ago
  I also have peeves that I find hard to let go of, but I view those as a personal flaw.

greenail 3y ago

This doesn't work when you are in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder like BPD. They use it to hurt not to heal.

fsociety 3y ago

My life has improved immensely from practicing this form of communication. I had to learn to sit with a lot of discomfort going through this process. It eventually translated into me not putting up with other people’s shit in my professional career. Most notably, my conversations with close ones are no longer irrelevant small talk or about details of the day which don’t matter. It feels like I can have conversation with true substance now.