7 ms·

What I've learned with my in-laws is to stop worrying about it. Some people are going to be jealous/angry anytime you spend money. For example, whenever we go

What I've learned with my in-laws is to stop worrying about it. Some people are going to be jealous/angry anytime you spend money. For example, whenever we go to visit them we get a hotel or rent a car. Perfectly normal right? Well to some of my in-laws that's "Throwing money around and in our faces" Even though the alternative is sleeping on the floor in their home and begging them for rides. And, I get it. They can't afford to grab a hotel and car like we can so it does look like a crazy luxury. I'll grab tabs and pay for things, I don't really care. I never have. But I was somewhat surprised to find people just generally upset when I do things for myself.

steveBK123 4y ago
Money can replace dependency and attachment, and some people get very offended by it. Other people appreciate you not burdening them. People are hard to parse.
test6554 4y ago
This is one of several standard reactions to people spending money. Jealousy, Envy, Disgust, Pity, Ambivalence. It's why people of the same social class tend to gravitate toward one another. While everyone is different regarding money, people of the same social class who have been in that position for a while seem to have similar reactions.
- steveBK123 4y ago
  There's also a weird thing of like adjacent class envy more than large gaps. Kind of a Narcissism of small differences thing (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism_of_small_differences https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism_of_small_difference...) At the extreme- Few people are personally envious of Jeff Bezos having a nicer house/car/boat/vacation. But the way some people in my small middle class hometown react to someone who lives in the same town/hood, kids going to same school driving a $40k car when they drive a $25k car is kind of comically deranged.
  - Aeolun 4y ago
    I’ve heard this from so many people, and I just do not see how it matters in practical terms. A car has four wheels and an engine. Other than that, as long as it’s safe and functional, why care what it costs?
    - steveBK123 4y ago
      humans are irrational, emotional, illogical beings.. what does practical terms have to do with it?
    - hgsgm 4y ago
      It's a waste of money that could be helping people.
      - bongoman37 4y ago
        [dead]
    - digging 4y ago
      It's signalling.
  - digging 4y ago
    This makes sense to me. I came from the service industry to tech. I tripled my income in a couple years and was very satisfied. Then a coworker got a promotion that I felt I deserved, and started making more than me. This coworker came from a different background and had always been "ahead" of me financially. But suddenly, there was a very tangible gap between us. It could have been me, I thought. I could have that so easily. And I was not satisfied with my pay. I found a new job. (I no longer care that much. I know that wages are essentially more unfair than fair.)
  - vidarh 4y ago
    Going from $25k to $40k for a car seems within reach and they don't see how that person that they see does anything different that makes the difference justified, and they might even have personal knowledge of the person to make them think that person definitely isn't as smart/working as hard/being as deserving as them. But with Bezos they don't have a yardstick to go by.
- evandale 4y ago
  I never really thought of this seriously (or why) until reading that "Some Things I Think" post[0] was on here yesterday and a few were along the lines of that. Three that resonated with me about money: “People like you more when you are working towards something, not when you have it.” - Drake Net worth goes from $0 to $1 million: Ecstasy. Net worth goes from $10 million to $1 million: Despondency. Can we agree that all wealth is relative? A lot of people like making money more than they enjoy having money. The change, not the accumulated amount, is the thrill. The last one is the biggest mindfuck to me because I can relate to it so much. Every single online MMO I play I'm happy making tiny amounts of money and watching the balance go up. I don't care much for upgrading to bigger and better things or end-game content. I played this game called Tibia pretty seriously for a period of time and then got bored and was going to stop. There were a few months where the only thing I would do is log in, do about 6 daily quests I enjoyed doing that were dead easy, collect my 1000gp or however much it was and walk around town for a bit debating if I want to level up before quitting. [0] https://collabfund.com/blog/thoughts/ https://collabfund.com/blog/thoughts/
  - ilyt 4y ago
    > Net worth goes from $0 to $1 million: Ecstasy. Net worth goes from $10 million to $1 million: Despondency. Can we agree that all wealth is relative? I think that's more because when going down on income (regardless of the starting amount and difference), that usually comes with having to resign from some luxuries on that way. While earning more means experiencing luxuries you couldn't afford before. Like, moving from public transport to nice car vs the other way around. Or living in cramped apartment vs nice house. > A lot of people like making money more than they enjoy having money. The change, not the accumulated amount, is the thrill. I would not say a lot; I think there might be some self-selection when people focus on making money that might just become their hobby and so have higher motivation to earn more and more vs focusing on other areas in life. The few well-off people I know don't exactly feel like ones making money for money sake > The last one is the biggest mindfuck to me because I can relate to it so much. Every single online MMO I play I'm happy making tiny amounts of money and watching the balance go up. I don't care much for upgrading to bigger and better things or end-game content. I played this game called Tibia pretty seriously for a period of time and then got bored and was going to stop. There were a few months where the only thing I would do is log in, do about 6 daily quests I enjoyed doing that were dead easy, collect my 1000gp or however much it was and walk around town for a bit debating if I want to level up before quitting. I am complete opposite. When I was seriously raiding in WoW (we were usually somewhere in top 5 guilds on our server) I still did just enough to have money for any gear/consumables I needed. Same in other areas, I need to have some end goal, else I don't have all that much motivation for work or getting better pay. Else I'd just burn money on random crap (I got better with that over the years)
foobarian 4y ago
Wow this is exactly how it is for us that it's uncanny. We try to say we got a deep discount because we used a "website." But we haven't got the courage to try separate lodgings yet, it would cause so much trouble heh.
- steveBK123 4y ago
  One trick that works with some is "oh I have lots of hotel points from work travel and they were going to expire" kind of games. It may even have a shred of truth to it. For the frugal family members offended by he spending flex, they may be happy to see this instead.
  - zamnos 4y ago
    don't forget airline points! Also don't forget credit card points. I'm not treating you to dinner, I got his gift card through my discover card and now I got to use it
    - hgsgm 4y ago
      You spend so much money that 3-5% back pays for luxuries?!
      - zamnos 4y ago
        That's besides the point. This is in the context of spending money on people when they get all weird about it. Saying that I got these points that are expiring so we have to go to dinner at a moderately upscale restaurant turns the table on "I'm buying you dinner because I want to spend time with you, I don't want to cook, and I know dinner at this restaurant is half your whole food budget for the month." into them doing you the favor of not leaving points/money on the table. Still though, $200 for (half) of dinner, on a card giving 5% Cashback is $4,000, and that doesn't have to be spent in one month.
  - Quarrel 4y ago
    I do this- I just tell my parents I have a lot of frequent flyer points (which I do), but then depending on the cost and availability of flights I book whatever is most convenient for me. It's generous, but not cash in your face.
doubled112 4y ago
That isn't my in-laws. That is the way my mother feels about me and my family. Everything is a luxury. Everything is a waste of money. Nobody should have fun or enjoy something. Sorry life didn't work out for you, but I didn't work hard to stare at walls and be bitter.
- steveBK123 4y ago
  More & more I find that with money theres growth mindset & scarcity mindset and few who have both. Some people are great at making more money, some people are great at spending as little of their money as possible. Few thread the needle on a little bit of both. So if you come from a scarcity mindset family, it's incredibly hard to do anything with them with money if you yourself ended up in more of a growth mindset. It is what it is.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- birdyrooster 4y ago
  Well now it’s like if I spend my money it’s almost necessarily creating carbon and fucking the world more. So it’s like I don’t even feel like I can spend my money if that makes any sense. What is the point of all this money when you can’t use it ethically?
  - steveBK123 4y ago
    My usual response to these types of concerns is "touch grass", but if one has the means & concern, theres many organizations to fund, green improvements one can make to their home (solar, energy storage, heat pumps, efficient appliances, insulation, better windows, etc), transport (switch to an EV, take trains, stop flying places), plant a tree, etc. I do find in my circles though that the loudest voices are also the ones who scoffed at my switch to an EV, but fly on vacations 3x/year, so some of it is clearly fashion & posturing. And some of it is counterintuitive as we see Germany shut down nuclear plants for "green" reasons, only to have to spin back up some coal.

steveBK123 4y ago

Money can replace dependency and attachment, and some people get very offended by it. Other people appreciate you not burdening them. People are hard to parse.

test6554 4y ago

This is one of several standard reactions to people spending money. Jealousy, Envy, Disgust, Pity, Ambivalence. It's why people of the same social class tend to gravitate toward one another. While everyone is different regarding money, people of the same social class who have been in that position for a while seem to have similar reactions.

steveBK123 4y ago
There's also a weird thing of like adjacent class envy more than large gaps. Kind of a Narcissism of small differences thing (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism_of_small_differences https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism_of_small_difference...) At the extreme- Few people are personally envious of Jeff Bezos having a nicer house/car/boat/vacation. But the way some people in my small middle class hometown react to someone who lives in the same town/hood, kids going to same school driving a $40k car when they drive a $25k car is kind of comically deranged.
- Aeolun 4y ago
  I’ve heard this from so many people, and I just do not see how it matters in practical terms. A car has four wheels and an engine. Other than that, as long as it’s safe and functional, why care what it costs?
  - steveBK123 4y ago
    humans are irrational, emotional, illogical beings.. what does practical terms have to do with it?
  - hgsgm 4y ago
    It's a waste of money that could be helping people.
    - bongoman37 4y ago
      [dead]
  - digging 4y ago
    It's signalling.
- digging 4y ago
  This makes sense to me. I came from the service industry to tech. I tripled my income in a couple years and was very satisfied. Then a coworker got a promotion that I felt I deserved, and started making more than me. This coworker came from a different background and had always been "ahead" of me financially. But suddenly, there was a very tangible gap between us. It could have been me, I thought. I could have that so easily. And I was not satisfied with my pay. I found a new job. (I no longer care that much. I know that wages are essentially more unfair than fair.)
- vidarh 4y ago
  Going from $25k to $40k for a car seems within reach and they don't see how that person that they see does anything different that makes the difference justified, and they might even have personal knowledge of the person to make them think that person definitely isn't as smart/working as hard/being as deserving as them. But with Bezos they don't have a yardstick to go by.
evandale 4y ago
I never really thought of this seriously (or why) until reading that "Some Things I Think" post[0] was on here yesterday and a few were along the lines of that. Three that resonated with me about money: “People like you more when you are working towards something, not when you have it.” - Drake Net worth goes from $0 to $1 million: Ecstasy. Net worth goes from $10 million to $1 million: Despondency. Can we agree that all wealth is relative? A lot of people like making money more than they enjoy having money. The change, not the accumulated amount, is the thrill. The last one is the biggest mindfuck to me because I can relate to it so much. Every single online MMO I play I'm happy making tiny amounts of money and watching the balance go up. I don't care much for upgrading to bigger and better things or end-game content. I played this game called Tibia pretty seriously for a period of time and then got bored and was going to stop. There were a few months where the only thing I would do is log in, do about 6 daily quests I enjoyed doing that were dead easy, collect my 1000gp or however much it was and walk around town for a bit debating if I want to level up before quitting. [0] https://collabfund.com/blog/thoughts/ https://collabfund.com/blog/thoughts/
- ilyt 4y ago
  > Net worth goes from $0 to $1 million: Ecstasy. Net worth goes from $10 million to $1 million: Despondency. Can we agree that all wealth is relative? I think that's more because when going down on income (regardless of the starting amount and difference), that usually comes with having to resign from some luxuries on that way. While earning more means experiencing luxuries you couldn't afford before. Like, moving from public transport to nice car vs the other way around. Or living in cramped apartment vs nice house. > A lot of people like making money more than they enjoy having money. The change, not the accumulated amount, is the thrill. I would not say a lot; I think there might be some self-selection when people focus on making money that might just become their hobby and so have higher motivation to earn more and more vs focusing on other areas in life. The few well-off people I know don't exactly feel like ones making money for money sake > The last one is the biggest mindfuck to me because I can relate to it so much. Every single online MMO I play I'm happy making tiny amounts of money and watching the balance go up. I don't care much for upgrading to bigger and better things or end-game content. I played this game called Tibia pretty seriously for a period of time and then got bored and was going to stop. There were a few months where the only thing I would do is log in, do about 6 daily quests I enjoyed doing that were dead easy, collect my 1000gp or however much it was and walk around town for a bit debating if I want to level up before quitting. I am complete opposite. When I was seriously raiding in WoW (we were usually somewhere in top 5 guilds on our server) I still did just enough to have money for any gear/consumables I needed. Same in other areas, I need to have some end goal, else I don't have all that much motivation for work or getting better pay. Else I'd just burn money on random crap (I got better with that over the years)

foobarian 4y ago

Wow this is exactly how it is for us that it's uncanny. We try to say we got a deep discount because we used a "website." But we haven't got the courage to try separate lodgings yet, it would cause so much trouble heh.

steveBK123 4y ago
One trick that works with some is "oh I have lots of hotel points from work travel and they were going to expire" kind of games. It may even have a shred of truth to it. For the frugal family members offended by he spending flex, they may be happy to see this instead.
- zamnos 4y ago
  don't forget airline points! Also don't forget credit card points. I'm not treating you to dinner, I got his gift card through my discover card and now I got to use it
  - hgsgm 4y ago
    You spend so much money that 3-5% back pays for luxuries?!
    - zamnos 4y ago
      That's besides the point. This is in the context of spending money on people when they get all weird about it. Saying that I got these points that are expiring so we have to go to dinner at a moderately upscale restaurant turns the table on "I'm buying you dinner because I want to spend time with you, I don't want to cook, and I know dinner at this restaurant is half your whole food budget for the month." into them doing you the favor of not leaving points/money on the table. Still though, $200 for (half) of dinner, on a card giving 5% Cashback is $4,000, and that doesn't have to be spent in one month.
- Quarrel 4y ago
  I do this- I just tell my parents I have a lot of frequent flyer points (which I do), but then depending on the cost and availability of flights I book whatever is most convenient for me. It's generous, but not cash in your face.

doubled112 4y ago

That isn't my in-laws. That is the way my mother feels about me and my family. Everything is a luxury. Everything is a waste of money. Nobody should have fun or enjoy something. Sorry life didn't work out for you, but I didn't work hard to stare at walls and be bitter.

steveBK123 4y ago
More & more I find that with money theres growth mindset & scarcity mindset and few who have both. Some people are great at making more money, some people are great at spending as little of their money as possible. Few thread the needle on a little bit of both. So if you come from a scarcity mindset family, it's incredibly hard to do anything with them with money if you yourself ended up in more of a growth mindset. It is what it is.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
birdyrooster 4y ago
Well now it’s like if I spend my money it’s almost necessarily creating carbon and fucking the world more. So it’s like I don’t even feel like I can spend my money if that makes any sense. What is the point of all this money when you can’t use it ethically?
- steveBK123 4y ago
  My usual response to these types of concerns is "touch grass", but if one has the means & concern, theres many organizations to fund, green improvements one can make to their home (solar, energy storage, heat pumps, efficient appliances, insulation, better windows, etc), transport (switch to an EV, take trains, stop flying places), plant a tree, etc. I do find in my circles though that the loudest voices are also the ones who scoffed at my switch to an EV, but fly on vacations 3x/year, so some of it is clearly fashion & posturing. And some of it is counterintuitive as we see Germany shut down nuclear plants for "green" reasons, only to have to spin back up some coal.