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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

• tsuujin 4y ago
  I’m moderately certain I’m also uncool.
  • taneq 4y ago
    The definition of 'cool' changes dramatically as you get older. Most of the 'cool kids' from my highschool aren't what you'd call 'cool' now.
    • danmur 4y ago
      "I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!" - Grandpa Simpson
  • deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
• pseufaux 4y ago
  These realities are not mutually exclusive.
• csallen 4y ago
  > "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Scheduling and comparing calendars would sometimes feel like an impersonal chore. Meeting so many people individually was time consuming, repetitive, hard to schedule, and yet somehow infrequent -- it felt like the main reason to hang was to catch up on what's new, so you needed to wait a month or two to let new things pile up. Then I moved to Seattle. I decided to switch to only really attending (or inviting people to) hangouts that included multiple people. Basically, my new policy was to try to hang out with multiple simultaneously whenever possible. And it worked wonders! My friends met all my other friends, and things played out exactly as described by the article -- some of them hit it off, became friends with each other, and started initiating invites and events without me. In addition, hangouts are just more fun with more people. There's more to talk about, more excitement, more fun. And it's easier to schedule, too, since you can see more people in a smaller number of hangs. The value of the hangs goes up, too. There's more reason for people to say "yes" because they're getting to catch up with multiple people, not just one person.
  • genocidicbunny 4y ago
    I'm glad that worked for you. My experience has become that as my friends groups have gotten older, getting larger groups together has become very difficult. You have to plan it far enough in advance that everyone has sufficient notice, you need a venue large enough to host everyone, people have kids that need to be accommodated somehow, and everyone also lives further apart. All of these mean that we've gone from getting together once or twice a month to maybe once every 3 months or so. So while everyone still keeps in touch online, in-person meetups have reduced a lot in frequency.
    • prmoustache 4y ago
      You shouldn't obsess on having everybody or even the majority of your groups together. Besides your friends also have friends and vice-versa that aren't part of your circle so you shouldn't even think of having any kind of exclusivity. People come and go in your life. What I am struggle with aren't local acquaintances but friends that aren't local to me anymore.
      • genocidicbunny 4y ago
        At this point, the obsession isn't about having everybody or the majority present, its about having the minority, or even anyone at all, present.
    • amerkhalid 4y ago
      Yeah this is my experience too. Especially, once you have kids, it is so hard to align everybody's nap times, classes, etc. And if you somehow are able to get whole group together, then too many preschoolers around is just chaotic. Heard it will be easier once kids are older. But for now, we usually hang out with one or maybe two families at a time.
  • JumpCrisscross 4y ago
    Would encourage still prioritizing 1:1 time with close friends. Even if that means traveling. It's a different experience, though I agree introducing friends to other friends is usually a pleasure.
• bluefirebrand 4y ago
  What about those of us who have always struggled to make friends, even when we were kids? Are we uncool?
  • majikaja 4y ago
    Maybe the other kids were just too below you.
  • lll-o-lll 4y ago
    Yes, yes you are uncool. You are probably a nerd who likes to talk about topics of interest, rather than people and social matters. Nerds are much more interesting, really. They’ve spent enough time on things they are obsessed about to have something to discuss. It’s not all “kids, schooling, housing, weather”. My favourite thing is to meet a nerd with an obsession outside of my own, as there is so much to learn.
    • mijowi 4y ago
      I enjoy talking to people about things that aren’t sports, celebrities, or the latest popular show to binge
      • anonzzzies 4y ago
        Those will automatically not be my friends. Anyone who cares about sports (especially televised) or celebrities can go sit somewhere else. Or religion. Helps immensely with filtering as it usually is one of the first things you find out. Talking nerd stuff is nicer and as such I only have nerds as friends and I married one, but there is no shortage of them. So far I made friends at any age (I am in my 50s).
  • deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
• Lapsa 4y ago
  adults grow increasingly specific while resonating decreasingly less with the masses. same reason it's hard to make a good rap music - too much way too specific words in it
• elif 4y ago
  It's both actually
• majikaja 4y ago
  Friends? I thought this was a message board for tech entrepreneurs busy hanging out with supermodels.
• asdfman123 4y ago
  Not necessarily. Some people reading this article are, statistically speaking, probably uncool.
• slashdev 4y ago
  I have no friends. I moved again in the last year. I have my brother, my parents, and my wife. It’s really hard to make good quality friends. Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered right now to invest that kind of time and effort. I hope that changes one day, but at this rate I’ll probably make friends among the parents of my kids friends one day. I just have other priorities now. I’m content, and I have a solid marriage. It’s fine for now.
  • bonestamp2 4y ago
    Go to meetup.com. Find a weekly meetup in your area that matches one of your interests (or start one). Go to that meetup every week. Within a couple months you'll be friends with the regulars. I've done this in two cities and I'm still long distance friends with the people I met in the first city. It only takes a couple hours per week and for your mental health you should be getting out for social activities anyway. Go do it now, you'll be happy that you did.
    • the_only_law 4y ago
      Where do you live? I’ve always seen people rave about meetup but most of the time when I’ve downloaded it’s filled mostly with scammy crap (MLM groups and similar business schemes), “entrepreneurs” trying to “network” and hyper specific demographic groups (40+ singles hiking group or whatever)
      • sgtnoodle 4y ago
        When I lived in LA I went to a beach dodgeball meetup organized by Herbalife MLM "health coaches". It was actually a rather positive experience. I biked out three mornings a week for many months, and played dodgeball and then did high intensity exercises in the sand. Afterward I would go to their gym and pay $5 for a protein shake, and socialize with an eclectic bunch of people completely unlike me. I lost 40lb, could do 100 pull ups, and I could buy the outfit off a dummy at Macy's and look good. One girl had "dibs" on me regarding the MLM scheme. She eventually got a bit irritated that I never signed up, but I still managed to integrate myself into their social circle for a good while. I even went to one of their conferences, just out of curiosity. A good number of the people I met were actually quite interesting, but had some unsatisfied aspect of their life. The combination of community and intense exercise was healthy for them, even if they were spending their time futilely trying to sell supplements.
• cglan 4y ago
  It really isn’t hard. Everyone is so devoid of human contact, if you’re willing to put 6 months of effort you can do it Edit: you really only need to find one, maybe two people and be okay just pushing it by asking people to do stuff. You'd be surprised how willing people are to do anything. Just start asking. It's also hard bc we (in america) design our cities very poorly
• sublinear 4y ago
  > continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. In other words, get out more?
  • projectazorian 4y ago
    > So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. Maybe this used to work, but it no longer does. I'm a regular at several local hangouts, hit the gym several days a week, and go out to other activities regularly. I rarely have conversations with anyone beyond perfunctory pleasantries with the staff. Neither does anyone else; since COVID people almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with. There's been the odd occasion where I do get someone's contact info like the article suggests. So I text and the conversation tends to be some variation of "I'm busy the next couple of weeks, I'll text when I can hang out!" Of course they never do. Following up yields the same result and also reeks of desperation, so I no longer do that. Meanwhile people seem to regard friendships as disposable lately. Within the past year I've been repeatedly ghosted and excluded from activities by longstanding friends for some perceived offense that I only found out about secondhand weeks later. Apologizing had no effect, and I regret doing it. So now, I have almost no friends in my current town aside from my spouse, and rather than continue on with this charade we have decided to move back east - where probably the cycle will repeat itself, but at least in a more familiar environment where socializing is slightly easier.
    • the_only_law 4y ago
      > since COVID people almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with. I’ve noticed the same thing. I used to go out a lot, loved to out talk to people, maybe a party a bit. Sometimes I’d go with a group, often times I’d go out alone. It used to be pretty common if you were alone on a weekend, someone would invite you to come sit and chat with them. Post-covid though I’ve pretty much stopped going out. People seem more antisocial outside of their insular groups, at least compared to pre-covid. The “friend” group I was part of imploded because of petty drama and nowadays, the only thing I get from going out alone is a bad hangover the next day.
• atleastoptimal 4y ago
  Some people are just uncool though
• aaron695 4y ago
  [dead]
• deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
• mensetmanusman 4y ago
  Go somewhere every week at the same time.
• throwaway892238 4y ago
  Actually, I am cool.... so cool that nobody has realized it yet
• jandrusk 4y ago
  I tend to lose friends every time I start talking about Emacs.
  • fosk 4y ago
    That’s because you should switch to Vim, then you would have more friends.
    • strictnein 4y ago
      Nano kids are the cool kids.
    • akiselev 4y ago
      That's a guaranteed path to evil [1] [1] https://github.com/emacs-evil/evil https://github.com/emacs-evil/evil
    • RamblingCTO 4y ago
      But they would loose them all because they can't leave.
  • nickd2001 4y ago
    Does it cause your friendships to stall, man ? ;)
• deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
• o10449366 4y ago
  The article is right that intentionality in relationships is critical. I think it's a commonly romanticized view that relationships shouldn't feel like "work" if they're good relationships, but I think that view does a disservice to the effort that goes into building a deep and fulfilling connection. Lifelong connections don't happen by accident. I also agree with csallen's comment. Introducing my friends to each other was one of my projects for last year and its made my whole world closer and more convenient. Now if I ever want to see a movie, have a day in the park, have a dinner I know I can make a general invitation and whoever is free and interested can show up and, because they already know each other, everyone will have a great time. If you trust your friends to see in each other (or at least respect) what you see in each of them individually and if they're mature adults, there should be no issue with introducing people to each other. This practice has been a good way for me to re-examine some of my own unconscious biases about which of my friends would get along with one another based on superficial qualities (such as their occupations or backgrounds) and I've been pleasantly surprised by the friendships that have blossomed out of the introductions I've made. As a side note, I still identify as an introvert and still get the most fulfillment out of 1:1 conversations. I don't think you need to be an extrovert to hang out in groups or be the social glue in your world. I was inspired to start introducing friends to one another because I realized how grateful I was - as an introvert - when I first moved to a new city and one of the friends I made was super welcoming and inclusive with their friends. It made me want to serve in that role myself and I'm so glad I got over my shyness and anxiety. I think if you approach adult relationships with intentionality you'll often be surprised by how receptive people are - I find most people have a desire to make new friends, but they're often afraid to take the first initiative.
  • doktorhladnjak 4y ago
    > it's a commonly romanticized view that relationships shouldn't feel like "work" if they're good relationships But I've already got a job and other life chores to deal with day in and day out that are stressful and exhausting. What's the point of friendship if it's just more of the same? Sometimes I do think I want friends. Then I read threads like this and I'm not so sure.
  • harrierpigeon 4y ago
• mydriasis 4y ago
  Eh, why not both!?
• imheretolearn 4y ago
  The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a different accent and grew up in a different culture. People living in big cities like NY, San Francisco may have a few friends from a different country but that is not representative of the entire population of immigrants. Also, I like to think that the nature of friendships is entirely different depending on where you grew up. The North American definition of a friend is very different from an Indian definition of a friend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's difficult enough to start over in a new country all by yourself and making friends is even more difficult than that.
  • creakingstairs 4y ago
    I moved from Korea to NZ. And I’m recently trying out Japan. I think it can be _easier_ to make friends as an immigrant that looks different (as long as you can speak their language) as there will always be people who are interested in different cultures. Though I have found that it can be quite hard to become close friends but it’s definitely possible.
    • stonekyx 4y ago
      Language is a major factor, yes. Another factor I think is whether you come from a “welcomed” country. Under the current chaotic world order, it’s not hard to come up with a few countries that are not welcomed almost anywhere (Disclaimer: I come from one of them). But still, start with some people that are close with you, either at work or in private, and try to expand that circle to larger / more diverse groups. The rule of making friends still apply for immigrants, it’s just a bit harder than natives.
      • creakingstairs 4y ago
        > Another factor I think is whether you come from a “welcomed” country. Definitely a factor. My wife is not Asian and she gets way more opportunities than me to make friends in Japan, though it is a double edged sword as being treated differently can get really annoying after a while.
• tastysandwich 4y ago
  I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company. But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year. I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends. But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends! Because in addition to those three friends, there's siblings, siblings-in-law, husbands of siblings-in-law, parents, parents-in-law, cousins, my wife's friends, my wife's friends' husbands, etc etc. And they all wanna see you! That, plus of course spending time with my lovely wife/daughter (which I love to do), leaves not much alone-time to explore all the awesome stuff you can do in this world. Play guitar. Read a great piece of literature. Learn to draw. Learn Blender. Build some furniture. Grow a fruit tree. Grow five fruit trees. Keep a hot compost pile (more amazing to see than you'd think). Write a shitty piece of music. Learn to weld. Lift weights. Run. There's just so much great stuff to do. I like people, they're great. But I guard my alone-time like a precious gemstone.
  • RajT88 4y ago
    This is where I am at as well. I have met a few guys who wanted to strike up a friendship. I only have room in my outer orbit, unfortunately. This is even after some friends moved further out. I would like more room in my life for Me, not other people.
  • rektide 4y ago
    There's a lot of people I like quite a lot, and significant obligatory-connections about. But gee man, I'd trade in a ton of these connections of solid friends/relations for people whose values I can more clearly recognize & that reflect my own obsessive geek interests than I could comfortably admit in real life. The really good people are not in high supply. I find again and again a real & immediate need to work hard to connect the very good folk, to get those with deep interests talking. Many just bow out to the mundane. So be it for them, but it's a loss to see very high intellectual potential just inundate itself among the norm.
  • silisili 4y ago
    Same sentiment exactly. Not to sound rude, but I don't -want- more friends, and it feels bad rejecting people who reach out. I already feel like there aren't enough hours in a day, and selfishly want to hoard my time to myself. My wife and I are polar opposites in that regard. She can never seem to have enough friends, and they talk often. I think one big difference is how people are with nothingness. Because no matter how busy our day is, there's always periods of downtime...on a bus, on a walk, before bed, etc. For example, I could sit in a chair and stare at nothing for a long time and not get bored. Mind always wondering, planning, thinking. She on the other hand gets bored and stir crazy in short order. And having people to reach out to chat with is a good cure for that. I'm not suggesting one is better than the other, of course, just another difference in people. All of that is to say, people like us who at least -say- we don't want more friends make it harder for people seeking, by removing ourselves from the pool so to speak. And I'd imagine between marriages, kids, work, etc... there's a lot of us like that.
• jdkee 4y ago
  Three factors identified to make friendships more likely: See https://www.businessinsider.com/things-that-help-people-make-new-friends-2014-12 https://www.businessinsider.com/things-that-help-people-make...
  • em-bee 4y ago
    the factors make a lot of sense to me. from the article: • Proximity: You're around each other regularly. • Unplanned interactions: You see each other even without putting an appointment on a calendar. • Privacy: You're in a space where you can exchange confidences.
• nirui 4y ago
  What makes someone a friend? Anyway? When you were a kid, you play with other kids, slowly you know each other, understand each other. And then that understanding grow into trust, and further into reliance or even love. As an adult, reliance and love is hard to develop due to many factors, but understanding and trust can still grow. Under this new situation, maybe it's just more rational to change the definition of friendship, since deeper interactions (such as companionship) has now became too expensive. > Eventually, loneliness can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe one day you'll find that you already have many friends living around you, you ignored it in the past because "that's just regular old living".
• ra1231963 4y ago
  Pretty sure I’m both uncool and bad at making friends
• silcoon 4y ago
  I had this problem recently since I moved to another country where I don’t know anyone except my girlfriend and her family, in post covid. People are nice and always open to share and have a chat for free. After feeling alone for a bit I started overthinking on every little comment or phrase that I could have misunderstood that made me feel those people were not interested in a conversation with me. I was wrong, but that’s how our brain works when we’re alone (or with the same people) for too long. Getting out there and having many conversations as possible helps a lot.
• thefourthchime 4y ago
  As someone who had few male friends as a kid I’ve put a priority on them as an adult. The key is to “water” it like a plant. If you don’t reach out for too long it becomes weird. A blessing I’ve had is a regular Tuesday night happy hour, I’ve been seeing the same guys for beers on Tuesday for over 13 years now. We’re all best friends. I also have a few other buddies to grab beers with and a few friends who live far away, but I make sure I message them regularly. Without these friends my life would be much emptier. As guys we think we don’t need friends, but it’s a huge factor to happiness.
• aroundtown 4y ago
  I've moved 4 times in my adult life. The two biggest issues I've had with making friends is the lack of a gathering place for like minded people, and being accepted by existing cliques. If you don't drink, go to church, or have kids, it is damned hard to find a place to hang out and meet other 30-40 year olds.
  • topkai22 4y ago
    It’s hard if you do those things, too. I had my best luck with sports and volunteerism. Since I have kids, coaching youth sports has also been a great way to develop a group.
  • prmoustache 4y ago
    When I switched to another country where I didn't speak the same language I started attending language exchange meetups. In fact that is where I met my current partner.
    • LeanderK 4y ago
      this really sounds like a fun and promising way to make friends. I've seen it happen at universities with "tandem" partners (italian comes to germany and wants to learn german, the german wants to learn italian), but they usually leave after the exchange.
  • chimprich 4y ago
    I've never made any friends at a "gathering place". I think most people show up to bars, restaurants, or anything like that with people they already know. Apart from meeting friends through existing friends (the "acquire your second million first" problem), by the far the best (if not only) way I've found to make friends is through shared-interest clubs. If you show up frequently to events where you have shared interests, it becomes very likely that you'll make friends with some of the other regulars. Bonus points if: - it's not too big a group (more chance of interaction) - shared exercise, like a sports group (endorphins help with bonding) - involves weekends or other trips away (living together briefly helps a lot) - niche interest (small network) - completing tasks together (work also counts here)
• nathanvanfleet 4y ago
  It can be both
• deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
• xlii 4y ago
  I’m seeing people commenting “yeah I’m uncool” and I highly doubt it. For me, personally, problem is that I can only relate in context. If I leave the context - poof - it’s gone. And I feel it’s very similar with other people too. We work, we communicate a lot and build relation. Someone moves on, switches the context and it’s gone. The same with gaming or sports or anything. Few more closer friends I have are closer most likely because they reach out out of the blue on the IM with joke or something, completely contextless. I have some ideas and made some experiments as well but not many people decide to go in as relations require energy we often don’t have. Times are very busy for all of us. And yet we need to remember that loneliness is literally killing men: https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/loneliness-has-same-risk-as-smoking-for-heart-disease https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/loneliness-ha...
  • throwaway8503 4y ago
    The fact that context matters so much makes it hard to avoid concluding that such relationships are not friendships in any sense of the word, they're just pleasantries to make the other parts of the context - the reason why you're in whatever situation - go more smoothly. Agreeableness. More agreeable with some people than others, sure, but not friends.
    • xlii 4y ago
      Without context - it’s true. However I do have an autistic trait that makes me forget easily people and things without context. My spouse regularly nags me to touch base with family as I just have my attention elsewhere. Tried various “friend managers” but they didn’t work as I rather pursue software than people. E.g. I had multi year relationship when I gamed. I stopped gaming as much and those relationships deteriorated. I am godfather of son of a friend with whom I studied. Since we graduated we met twice or thrice. And I know many people that go like that. Men’s friendships usually evolve around “do” rather than “discuss”. If there’s no shared “do” they fade away. Add above trait (which isn’t THAT uncommon) and building long term contextless relationship is very difficult.
  • ravenstine 4y ago
• dodyg 4y ago
  It really depends on the city. Making friends in Cairo, Egypt, where I currently reside, is very easy. People are very hospitable, there are a lot of house parties and you can crash any party (bring booze) and you will be welcomed with open arms. It's a massive metropolis and there are a lot of things to do.
  • jacooper 4y ago
    What? Booze in egypt?
• jrumbut 4y ago
  I will say this, for optimism, I think we've turned a corner post-covid. Now there is a population of adults who are admitting out loud that they are lonely and want to make friends and are willing put in the effort and make the compromises for that to happen. This past weekend there was some great new TV on and my wife and I had had long work weeks, but we made a point to get out of the house and at least watch TV in a bar. When we met people we actually took the initiative to look them up on social media and followed them. We were working on this in 2019 and people were put off by it or found it sad. Now people are ready and it's really exciting to me. I think we have the opportunity to build new social structures to replace the ones that have been eroding for several decades.
• nostromo 4y ago
  Join a sports team and stick with it. You’ll have lots of friends in no time. Being part of a team and working on something together that’s not work and doing it consistently over years is key. I see the same group of fifty people two times a week, rain or shine. Over time you’ll naturally develop close friends without having to awkwardly force it. Added benefit: consistent exercise.
  • legerdemain 4y ago
    I have never played a sport outside of gym class. When I went to local sports meetups, I mostly found people practicing the sports they played in high school or college. I sucked by comparison, and it showed.
    • circlefavshape 4y ago
      So what if you suck? Doing something you're bad at can be liberating
      • iggldiggl 4y ago
        It depends on the circumstances. First of all, if you suck too much, it might not be fun for yourself even under the best of circumstances. Secondly, yeah, if it's just for fun and especially if you're not the only who "sucks", it can be fine and as you say "liberating" and everybody's still having a good time. (Also, at least personally it feels easier to just relax and accept that you somewhat suck at that sport and still have some fun anyway if you're with a group of people you already know, which of course doesn't really work if you're going to a sports meetup to meet new people in the first place…) However if you're the only one who comparatively really sucks and maybe on top everybody else is treating things a little more competitively, it possibly starts feeling a little bit too much like gym classes at school, where you always got selected as one of the last ones into a team because everybody knew you weren't really the sporty type and consequently wouldn't really improve any team's chances of winning…
    • dtauzell 4y ago
      Look for a kickball league ... they seem to be more designed for non-athletes.
• TheAceOfHearts 4y ago
  A lesson I wish I'd learned sooner is to always reach out to people whenever you think about them. I used to worry I'd just be annoying, but I think it's a critical part of staying connected with people. And if they find it annoying then there probably wasn't much of a friendship anyway. It can feel sad to always have to be the one initiating communication though. And to always feel like you have to hold back because you're being too much.
• amitmina 4y ago
  Economics is also an underlying hidden reason behind everything. Making friends requires a lot of bandwidth. You cannot create them over a coffee or wine, it would be a multiple touch point event over 6-12 months. In low trust environments the cost of friendship goes up. When you have to work 100 hrs a work to meet your expenses can you take out 20 hrs for friends. then another 20 for family, another 20 for kid. and then 1000 for your wife. Inflation makes you work harder for the same amount. When everybody is working harder they don't have time. Also because they are not doing many things outside of work what will they talk about. Rich people still find it pretty ease to make friends. The parallel processing of earning money, family and friends is really hard and eventually will take your stress higher levels than lower.
  • ponow 4y ago
    This is the only comment that's half-way realistic. This intentional relationship stuff seems better tuned to the successful or the childless.
  • jeffreyq 4y ago
    Well put
• nprateem 4y ago
  I'll throw this out there since I've got plenty of other ideas and I just want this to exist. What if there was a platform where people met in a bar in real life then chose a group to meet up with weekly for the next say 4 weeks and did different activities from a preset menu or something? Since friends are made through repeated interactions and bond more around activities than just eg hanging out, I'd hope this would work better than meeting randoms at a meetup. It'd also filter people who had the time to commit to making friends. Would anyone be interested in this? Please upvote if you like the sound of this.
  • thimkerbell 4y ago
    There's a saying that women make friends face to face, while men make friends shoulder to shoulder. So maybe the activities could get tailored accordingly.
• no_butterscotch 4y ago
  I don't have any friends. I'm almost 40 and haven't had any friends since about 13. Each year since then I've averaged "going out" between 3 to 5 times per year for a "social thing". I think about wanting friends all the time. But then I think I don't really have anything of value to add to a friendship. I guess I have a low opinion of myself. When I think about what I'd hope for a friendship to be, I just don't know. Meet once a week for a beer? I'm not an interesting person and don't have hobbies. I do dream about getting married. And I have fear that the imagined wife would want a wedding, and I'd have no best man or groomsmen.
  • SquibblesRedux 4y ago
    I am curious what you do for a living, why, and what would you rather do (or not do). Ignoring social factors, is there anything you would like to change?
    • _k7dr 4y ago
      I'm not them but I work in tech, its lucrative Its not social anxiety for me, its asociality. It turns out the reason could be genetic. I talked to my mom recently, she said she came from a "line of sociopaths". I think she's exaggerating but I got the idea. Her father had multiple wives, and at least 3 male offspring still alive sound like me. My closest cousin has no friends and lives as a hikkikomori in his mid-30s. My mom's brother is extremely awkward and it took him a decade of concentrated effort just to be able to exist in a social crowd, and he still has no long-term friends. So much of my life made sense hearing that, and today I almost feel righteous in avoiding contact with others, having friends in my 20s wasn't a battle I was going to win with how unprepared and demotivated I was to fight it, and how my brain was working against me the whole time I concluded that I really really really don't have much to add to any arbitrary meeting group, I've been in a lot of bad meetup.com meetings with people just like me that are lonely and awkward yet expect something to happen or work out...and it never does. And then there are groups that should work out, full of older persons with lots of social experience that treat me like a long lost friend...and yet it doesn't feel real to me. Like I can't stay engaged. Like it's artificial, constructed. Like there's no reason to talk to these people when the activity ends. And I keep thinking that's fine, to be left totally alone. I don't care either way. Everyone else screams at me "that's not okay, youre going to die early from isolation." So its like I have to eventually push myself into these situations I don't want to be in at some point or I'm killing myself. By having no friends I'm committing suicide. It's absurd to me. It sucks the joy out of it all every time, when its between remaining myself and supposedly dying miserably or forcing myself into situations I don't want to be in I don't think this is at the level of "making friends is hard" anymore, like I used to. Its something so much deeper and so much more firmly rooted that most can't comprehend its depths. Hence why I feel alienated by people when I try to explain my condition to others in earnest, even when I'm trying to help them approach me. And admittedly it makes me feel like someone different or unique but I'm not going to say it helps me Nearly outing related to a hobby I thought I liked...made me enjoy that hobby less afterwards, even alone. It's like seeing myself in a mirror. I questioned who I was outside of my work, never found a satisfactory answer, and just didn't want to keep going in the end. For now I have accepted that the reason I keep getting roiled up about people talking about having trouble making friends is because we had to make friends or form communities to survive as a species. It's the human condition. So I keep coming back to the thought like a mutt in heat. My mind is wired to care at some level even if there's a veneer I can't scrape off. And infall outside the grain. But I don't see anything wrong with it. Hell, in another life if I cared about going out more I could have been an actual socialpath singularly focused on getting what I wanted out of people, and had I been any more charismatic in this life I sincerely believe that might just have come true I found one of the best parts of travelling to a country where I don't speak the language is that I can keep to myself without feeling obligated to bother anyone, and after a few days I can just scurry away without being seen or cared about. It's a liberating feeling when I keep feeling pressured to perform correctly in my home country and I've been continually shunned or ostracized for not fitting in at X or Y social club, exactly like I expected from the start. Its also why when I learn a language (Japanese) it's like an "emotional blunting" to consume media in that language. even though I understand the meaning of the words/sentences perfectly it's like there's no "weight" to them. It puts distance between me and people who speak my native tongue. I don't get emotionally attached like if I read the same story in English, because I have no real connection to Japanese besides side interest.I can live within these texts that all others around me can't understand. And at times it feels like a metaphor for my life
• dclowd9901 4y ago
  I’d like one really close friend who I see often and a couple acquaintances who I can hang with from time to time. I had this about 10 years ago and it’s since left my life entirely. It mostly surrounded my work life, but it seems like as soon as I switched jobs, it all started to fall apart. I think convenience plays a huge role in all of this, honestly. I have kids and a partner now and I work from home. If I want to see anyone recreationally, it has to be planned and that just sucks. It honestly takes all the fun out of it. If there’s one drawback to the working from home shift, it has to be this. I really miss having any kind of social life.
• wkjagt 4y ago
  I'm from the Netherlands, and moved to Quebec (French part of Canada) 16 years ago, to be with my (now) wife, and even after all those years, I still feel I can't express myself as well in French as in my native language. This, I think, is my biggest hurdle when making new friends. We also live in a beautiful small village, with three great kids, and really have a great life, but a small village isn't the best place to find people with the same, very geeky, interests. Not that having the same interests is a requirement for friendship, but it would be really nice.
  • throwawaylinux 4y ago
    There could be other people living in that small village thinking the same thing. Start a katana-wielding club and see who turns up?
• eyelidlessness 4y ago
  I’m just uncool but I appreciate the inclusion
• r_singh 4y ago
  Is it easier in India? I have to actively avoid getting invites from people and feel bad when I refuse. I’m a native and if I travel to a new city I can make friends in a jiffy. I’m a 28 yo male and still not choosing to commit to marriage and this argument about finding friends later scares me at times. Is it really true? Does the depth of connection vary? I also was in Germany about half the year in 22 and for sure it’s not as easy there. Being a part of a group is for sure easier for example in one of the hacker spaces. And I got 1 invite to eat dinner at what I can call a friend’s place.
  • jamiek88 4y ago
    No dude, you’re just in the fricken prime of life and living it well. Enjoy!! I sincerely hope you have the same experience at 46!
    • r_singh 4y ago
      Thank you, you're kind!
  • anonkogudhyfhhf 4y ago
    Seems harder to make friends in developed countries. Not sure why that is. Maybe people can be more independent
    • ThatGeoGuy 4y ago
      It is likely a function of density. India is particularly heavily populated and their cities are very dense. Suburbia and lower-density neighbourhoods will necessarily reduce the number of chance encounters, and thus possibilities to make friends. In many developed nations the only places to "be social" can often also be places in which you can only participate in through the lens of commercialism (e.g. going to a sporting event, paying to play pool or darts at a bar, etc.). This is often described as the loss of the "third place." It's heavily associated with sprawl and car-centric development, but even without that there's tons of places that don't have nearby public parks or plazas that they can just go and exist in without spending money. The pretext of a place to socialize and hang out changes if you need to spend a significant amount of money to participate. Another reason could be that having easy access to cheap digital entertainment probably reduces the number of times most people voluntarily leave their house to go be social. I know at least for myself that I can easily hole up in my home and avoid the outside world if I want to. You have to make a conscious effort to decide to go out and do social things, and that can sometimes be very difficult in tandem with my previous point about sprawl. Do I really want to drive somewhere and spend money to be social today or should I just find a new show on Netflix? A hard problem when we structure our own incentives against our desires to make more friends!
• lynx23 4y ago
  This reads a bit like someone trying to force a romantic relationship. Yes, we're no kids anymore, but this doesn't mean we're entitlted to anything. Relationships only really work, or are really fruitful, if not forced. Same applies to love. At least this is my experience. If you have to write "Don't be too hard to yourself" in an article which says "You're not uncool" in the title, something is definitely off. If you have to assert that "people already like you", you likely have personality traits that make you unfun to be around, which explains why you need to read this article. If I had to summarize, I'd say: "Self-help for neurotic people".
• fortuna86 4y ago
  [dead]
• MrBra 4y ago
  The pandemic made it so much worse for a lot of people I know. Or should I say it was exactly those people who made it worse for all of us? I am sure that a certain slice of the population my age
• BiteCode_dev 4y ago
  Adults don't want to behave like they used to behave as kids. They don't want to spontaneously talk randomly about something to an unknown person, because that comes with risks like rejection, looking like a fool, being labelled in a certain way, associating with somebody boring/annoying/leeching, etc. Kids takes way more risks, including social risks, because they don't know those are risks. I guarantee that if you go to clubs or public places you enjoy, and you bring out the kid in you (at least the part that doesn't bring chaos), you will make friends eventually. Not immediately, but keep at it, and it will happen. However I noticed many adults don't actually want to live the process of making friends. Even without risk, they don't want to make the effort. Because here is another thing that adults don't have and kids have plenty: energy. And it turns out making friends require a ton of energy, because while you can be yourself and make friends, you cannot "be on your own" and make friends. You can't live a perfectly scheduled life and make friends. You will have to get out of your bubble, move things around in your day, welcome the unexpected, and interact. You will have to discard something in favor of it. And you will have to do it again and again because most people are not a good fit to be your friends. Kids do that all the times, without even thinking about it. Forget about the missing opportunities, it's only the tip of the iceberg, and it can be overcome by getting out of your way. I have friends that are 10 years older or younger. I made friends after my twenties and after my thirties. Hell I'm going forty yet I made a new friend 2 years ago, and we are getting pretty intimate at this point. My mother is almost 70, and she is still dating. But when I feel like inviting new people into my life (which I don't always do, right now I have closed doors, I don't have an infinite reserve of private life to share), I will invest in it. I will accept the cost. Because making friends is not free. Just like sex is not free and speaking your mind is not free. Kids don't realize the cost, and bare less the weight of it, but we are very aware of it. Making friends don't "just happen naturally" when you are a kid, there is a process. But the process is seamless to kids, while it requires effort to adults.
  • doktorhladnjak 4y ago
    > Kids takes way more risks, including social risks, because they don't know those are risks. > Kids do that all the times, without even thinking about it. > But the process is seamless to kids, while it requires effort to adults. Clearly your childhood was nothing like mine or that of a lot of other people here.
• CogitoCogito 4y ago
  Find a group of exercising partying degenerates. Then degenerate. I'm kind of joking, but I'm really not.
  • lynx23 4y ago
    You must be very fun to hang out with.
    • CogitoCogito 4y ago
      > You must be very fun to hang out with. This is kind of a childish response presuming this is sarcasm. If it's not, then you're actually quite right (at least in my experience). Anyway I'll let you continue to have fun on your own terms. Edit: To be clear, I mean "degenerate" as more just going against general expectations. I.e. partying, drinking, doing drugs, not having kids if you don't want them. Anyway you shouldn't read too much into my posts here. I'm generally pretty successful and the older generation probably likes me more than you ( ;) ). My overall point is that you should go out and have fun make friends and do what you want. You only get one shot at life and it's far too short.
      • lynx23 4y ago
        Now that you mention it, I definitely prefer being childish over oldfarty. In fact, I always thought "the day I begin to look down on partying people is the day I finally have to admit I am old now."
• kavalg 4y ago
  To me it is more like that I already have good friends and I barely get enough time to stay in touch with them. So a new friendship must make space by "deprioritizing" some of the existing ones, which feels bad.
• reacharavindh 4y ago
  Oh how very true. I’m going through at this very moment. As a dad(of a 4 year old), having moved to a new city during COVID, it has been a struggle to find friends. Although I do attend a few meet-ups every now and then, play tennis in a group, take Dutch classes, I just could not meet anyone often enough to become friends with. Whenever I try to organise something to hangout, it’s a nightmare to find a time that works for most. Often a couple of months away. The anxiety of “do they think I come off too weird trying to force them to be a friend” is very real. I wish there was a commonly used app like Tinder with explicit intentions of making friends, hanging out with a wider user base than one-off local apps which is dominated by a handful of people.
  • j3th9n 4y ago
    Bumble has a BFF option.
    • kilroy123 4y ago
      I tried this at one point and it was a bad experience. It was mostly gay men. While I'm not against being friends with anyone who is gay, I very much got the feeling most people on there were looking for something different than I was.
      • reacharavindh 4y ago
        This is why bolting on a "friends" feature on a dating app wouldnt work. It must be a solely dedicated place with explicit purpose of making friends based on interests to remove the anxiety of "What would they think if I said this?"
      • joenot443 4y ago
        I’ve used it and met some relatively normal (and straight) dudes. You’re right, the majority of the men using it are gay, and often fairly predatory with their intentions, but if you’re discerning you’re able to find folks there to hang out, not hook up.
    • jwmoz 4y ago
• jerrygoyal 4y ago
  I'm a nomad travelling solo so it's crucial for me to be good at socialising. I now consider myself to be quite social and can gel with anyone. Most of the friendships happen over some common interest or activity like playing sports, dancing, seminars, group tours, etc. If you can get into some hobby or activity that involves other people (common interest) then it is much easy to strike conversations (mutual interest) and make friendships. However, If you can't even start a conversation or keep the conversation flowing naturally then that's a personal issue. Some tips: - Smile when you talk. Smile in general if you could. - Asking questions is the fundamental of converting strangers to friends. Asking question means getting to know person. Ask questions that you are curious about otherwise you gonna bore yourself as well as the person. Personal questions work wonders. - While travelling I realised most people are not that social and feel awkward starting a conversation with a stranger. I always assume that it's my responsibility to start the conversation so I lead. And, once the conversation starts flowing I see that the other person is actually friendly and interested to know about me as well.
  • usrusr 4y ago
    Asking questions is a huge one. I know because I'm so bad at it that I notice how good it would be, I suspect that there's another stripe of awareness at the other end of the spectrum, with a huge gap in between of people who are sufficiently good at it to not notice, but could do better with some awareness.
  • EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK 4y ago
    Most strangers starting conversations with me turn out to be Herbalife peddlers, beggars and similar. So the natural instinct is to move away as fast as possible.
• anta40 4y ago
  >> Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch. My personal experiences echo this statement. My most personal active groups are the ones where we share the same interest, e.g music, photography, church, etc. We still regularly meet a few times each month either for coffee, business discussion, watching movie, outside city trips, etc. Family/school groups? Not so much.
• Sujeto 4y ago
  I dislike hearing people talk. I think they don't talk nicely unless they're actual chads. Because I can detect when a person means something else, or when they are hating, or worse, my brain can take out-of-context phrases and hint that I'm in danger or among hostiles. I dislike voice chat as well. I limit myself to text communication.
• cat_plus_plus 4y ago
  It's so weird though. For example, I am interested in photography and in challenging myself by going on hikes, or to colorful events and taking shots I have not even considered before. No restrictions on with whom - men, women, young, old, different backgrounds - just shared pursuit of creativity and getting out of the house. While I hope that some of these shared activities might eventually lead to more broad friendships (not romance, married with kids and not looking), I also would never make that an expectation or demand. Myself I am just a regular guy in late 40th, not a creep or a womanizer, my existing friends of both genders seem to like me fine. So I reached out at photography groups at work, took half a dozen day classes - nada. I put my e-mail on the board, ask people to ping me if they think of just going somewhere and shooting, nobody ever does. Tried to strike conversations with other birdwarchers in local parks, never leads to lasting connections. In school / college / 90s workplace, I used to just hang around with people without making any special effort. Some of them later even invited me to come visit them for a couple of weeks in another country. Just what does it take to have some uncomplicated fun and light sharing of one's thoughts and feelings later on in life? I can't be the only one still interested?
• jongjong 4y ago
  I feel like it has more to do with having a surplus of time and resources. When you're in school, you have more time to hang out with people and every interaction isn't tainted by the reality of having to compete over limited resources. As an adult, you are responsible for acquiring your own resources so every relationship is tainted by economic competition. I suspect that rich people have more friends for this reason; they have more surplus so they're not constantly (subconsciously) thinking about how to exact resources from everyone around them; it's probably also why rich people feel uncomfortable being friends with non-rich people. Nobody wants to be seen as a resource. Yet when you are truly deprived of resources, you can't help but see everything and everyone as a resource first and foremost. You need to have your basic needs met and your anxiety levels within tolerable range to see beyond that. The reality is that, during a bad famine, people will start subconsciously seeing their friends as a potential meal. It's not an ideal foundation for a friendship. In this case (for most of us), the problem is not famine, but there is a strong desire to escape the constant anxiety of having to work insanely hard just to make ends meet which has a similar effect on friendships. In communist countries, I suspect that regular people form strong friendships because there are no good mechanisms to extract resources from each other and they have their basic needs taken care of anyway (aside from the occasional famine). Citizens are treated like children. In North Korea, many adult women hold hands. That's unthinkable in a capitalist society. That level of friendship is simply unattainable to the kinds of resource-oriented people who tend to succeed at capitalism. But at least if you do have a lot of surplus resources, being resource-oriented isn't as much of a problem. It's hard to be both resource-oriented and poor, then you can't have any friends. Sadly, capitalism forces us to become resource-oriented, even if it is against our nature.
  • pbourke 4y ago
    > I suspect that rich people have more friends for this reason; they have more surplus so they're not constantly (subconsciously) thinking about how to exact resources from everyone around them; Research points to the opposite conclusion: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1948550616641472 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/19485506166414... > Two studies using large, nationally representative samples of Americans (N = 118,026) and different measures of social contact showed that higher household income was associated with less time spent socializing with others (Studies 1 and 2) and more time spent alone (Study 2)
• langsoul-com 4y ago
  Friends are hard to make, there's just so much to do and so little time. It requires effort, dedication and possibility of rejection. Striking out, saying hello, trying to meet new people is a very difficult action. If you have a partner, it might not matter so much. After all, they have friends, and catchups means they could be your friends with no real effort expended. But alone? Well, welcome to adulting.
• asimpletune 4y ago
  I also think just asking people questions is really important.
• unixgoddess 4y ago
  > Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. this really should be simple common sense. We are so far removed from our natural habitat (the small tribe/village where everyone is always around everyone) that we have forgotten this basic simple thing too.
• vrglvrglvrgl 4y ago
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• kilroy123 4y ago
  I really wish HN had a meetup section where you could host meetups in cities. I went to a meetup in Mexico City a few months ago, all from HN, and it was great.
• Intermernet 4y ago
  I'm 45. I regularly make friends with people who I meet climbing, at meet ups, at work, at social functions etc. Some of these have proven to be long term friendships. I don't think it's the "adult" factor, I think it's a choice of priorities. Probably the most important factor in my circumstance is my partner (of 26 years) and I don't have kids. Having said that, some of my more recent friends (last few years) do have kids, so they're obviously still prioritising meeting new people and doing new things.
• prmoustache 4y ago
  Or you could just get out of your house naked, without any money, and start riding your tall bike outside the city and asking for help. A french dude just filmed himself doing that a few years ago. Joke aside, you don't even have to be nude or ride an eccentric bike. Touring without a motorized vehicle and asking for directions/food/shelter is a great way to start conversations and meet new people. And you don't need to go very far. If you are doing that walking you can meet and get new friends easily in a relatively close radius.
  • geomark 4y ago
    Pro tip a friend let me in on: carry a guitar with you. Good if you can play it a little. If you are a man it makes you seem less threatening. People tend to be more open and friendly.
    • prmoustache 4y ago
      A ukulele for the portable factor :)
• EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK 4y ago
  I'm a loner, always wondered what are friends talking about when meeting? Looks like 1) exchanging news, some useful information 2) emotional support, bragging and getting cheered 3) shi!!ing on mutual enemies/outsiders. Did I catch the essence?
  • cies 4y ago
    Plan the revolution and then postpone it because sadly we got too drunk.
• papito 4y ago
  All of my adult friends are from previous jobs. And I mean - friends. We have Slack channels and grab drinks and lunches once in a while to catch up. We visit each other's big life events. You can't just bond with someone over work - you need to regularly grab after-office drinks, open up and develop trust. And when you are older and busier - bonding over food is also effective.
• htsh 4y ago
  1. go to a place where folks you want to hang out with live 2. get a dog
• ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago
  I'm fortunate, in being involved in a Fellowship that forces many folks, that would otherwise, never have anything to do with each other, together. I have made many friends. A lot of these friendships are decades old. Many of these folks are ones that have huge differences from me, in things like politics and religion; yet we've still got each others' backs, and it is always a genuine pleasure to meet. That's why work is a great fulcrum for friendship. A shared task/values thing is way to find common ground. If we don't have work, one of my most common suggestions, is to get involved in nonprofit/volunteer work.
• GourSE 4y ago
  > There's this phenomenon called homohysteria, which is the fear of being perceived as gay that I think really, really is destructive for men's friendships This is so true, some people even speak that out, something like "They're so close they're so gay," but the truth is this makes people afraid to connect with a dude. it is not like gays are bad, but when you're not gay, you wouldn't want others to assume that you are.
  • ravenstine 4y ago
    I don't think this fear is entirely unjustified. Some people have remarked about whether a good friend of mine and I are gay because we hang out 1-on-1 a lot. This is in California, BTW, where one might believe the current politics would discourage people from making assumptions. It's a good thing it doesn't upset me, given I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay. What does bother me, though, is how easily people will sexualize adult male friendships. Women are allowed to have close female friends and interact with them in ways where, if guys did the same, someone might think "bro, u homo?"
• majikaja 4y ago
  As someone with a young child this thread feels really odd. I can't imagine the time to ponder such things in between a full time job and parenting (no, 'friends' are not necessary to start a family). What are you all expecting? That you meet a bunch of compatible people and your everyday lives become like the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Or is it a desire for more of an emotional co-dependency with someone of the same gender? If you want to do an activity, join a club. If you want to share information, find people on Twitter or something.
  • twixfel 4y ago
    Casting friendship as "emotional co-dependency" is surely the height of combined individualism and cynicism. You may have no time for friendship, but lots of people do.
    • majikaja 4y ago
      I could have been more cynical. I could have said it's often a means of collusion to allow certain regions of the population to elevate their status within the wider group and take advantage of those who are not as well connected. Or simply for people to turn their surroundings into an echo chamber.
      • twixfel 4y ago
        Yes and you could have just advocated for global nuclear war because nothing matters anyway. Good show.
        • majikaja 4y ago
          I don't think what I said was that ridiculous. For most people in the world friend groups are about precisely what I mentioned and anything beyond that is a luxury afforded to few.
  • emptyfile 4y ago
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• flippinburgers 4y ago
  I would argue that it is impossible. Mostly because you come to realize that "friendship" is often a lopsided arrangement where the other party is gorging themselves on whatever need they have.
• iceflinger 4y ago
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
• WakoMan12 4y ago
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• chainwax 4y ago
  Anecdotal, but if you're looking for friends as an adult you should get a bicycle. I've moved 3 times in my adult life, and have made a solid group of friends each time by signing up for group rides, etc. Ages range from late twenties to seventies. You can usually find these on social media or by talking to a nearby bike shop. This doesn't just apply to urban centers either. Gravel and mountain biking is huge, and generally the shops in your area will be catered to the most popular kind of biking.
  • digitalsushi 4y ago
    I wonder if it's easier to make friends with people who are cranked up on endorphins.
    • angrysaki 4y ago
      My hunch is that it has something to do with doing/accomplishing something "hard" together. I'm also guessing that the harder it is, the more bonding automatic bonding you get.
  • ubermonkey 4y ago
    This. As an adult (I'm 53) I've managed to make lasting friends in only two contexts: 1. My local arts community, where I've served as a board member and patron for many small organizations; and 2. Cycling. I'm a big roadie, but I dabble in gravel -- primarily for social reasons. This has actually been a larger source of friends than the theater stuff, but both have been big. The bonus with cycling is that you kill two birds with one stone: you exercise AND friends in the same activity! Now, I'm sure that one could abstract these two things out to "volunteering" and "local sports," but I feel like cycling in particular is great for this.
    • milkytron 4y ago
      > The bonus with cycling is that you kill two birds with one stone: you exercise AND friends in the same activity! Make that three birds because you can travel to places! One of my favorite things to do in the summer is ride with friends to the city center and grab some food, maybe a drink, and hang out before riding back. It's a leisurely ride on multi-use paths through parks, so even people that aren't comfortable or new to biking are willing to do it and you get to see cool parts of the city that aren't as accessible in a car, bus, or train.
• sys32768 4y ago
  One of my problems is that I think I have a friend. We have great fun together and seem to match, but eventually I realize I'm initiating all contact. So I stop initiating and wait for the signal that they want to hang out. Crickets. I do plan to join a photography club although most everyone is older married couples. Still, nice folk, and a hobby I find joy in.
  • Brystephor 4y ago
    What about them not initiating contact is a negative? I can see why that'd be interpreted as a negative, but does it make sense for that person? I know that I do a poor job of initiating hanging out but if I'm ever invited somewhere, I say yes 9/10 times. I like to do stuff but 1) I don't know what to suggest to do with others or 2) I want to suggest something however I am worried it'll be a negative experience and therefore I don't send out the invite at all.
    • sys32768 4y ago
      Well in one case, it was a neighbor. We had some great chats over beers, lots of laughs. Knocked on his door several times and enjoyed the visits. I also emailed him to initiate contact. We had some interests in common. But he never initiated, not once. Never offered his number, never emailed me to see what's up after I moved a few miles away. I think that combined with him being from the South, where I understand people can be extremely polite in not being your friend--I just figured he was politely saying No Thanks.
• game_the0ry 4y ago
  If you want to socialize and meet people, its a good idea to get involved in shared athletic activity: * martial arts (MMA, BJJ, even krav maga) * crossfit [1] * cycling (mountain biking, road cycling) * volleyball or surfing if you're by a beach * even a pick up basketball game In my opinion, doing something athletic as a group should be a mandate for everyone. There are too many benefits, physically and spiritually. If you are hesitant or if you find yourself having a negative reaction to what I am saying, I would encourage you to contemplate why you may be thinking that. If you are worried you are not athletic enough and feel emberrased, do not think that for a moment. I was the same - I am horribly uncoordinated and I still do stuff. [1] Some crossfit folks call it "church," which should be telling
  • greenpresident 4y ago
    I second your notion that being athletic is not a requirement: the actually fit I’ve met are all extremely calm, accepting and disciplined. In the right gym/club/group, it’s an extremely rewarding experience for any body type and fitness goal. Be aware that distance based cardio groups (running, biking) will often require fitness that is above average but there are exceptions (look up a parkrun near you).
    • game_the0ry 4y ago
      > the actually fit I’ve met are all extremely calm, accepting and disciplined. This is the case with martial arts, especially bjj. You'll come in like a soft doughey baby, and you will get smushed for a long time, but its rewarding for a veteran practitioner to see another person struggle and do well. They want to "lift" that person up an help them, as long as the newbie is trying hard.
  • actionablefiber 4y ago
    > cycling (mountain biking, road cycling) I want to add that in cities, social cycling is a real thing too, and a fantastic way to meet people and have fun. Many US cities have some combination of Critical Mass, bike party, queer bike rides, weekly evening social rides.
  • 4y ago
• legerdemain 4y ago
  I'm surprised that no one has said "work." (Or maybe not surprised, since there is a vocal minority on this board that would rather just receive work assignments on a folded piece of paper shoved under their door and never interact with coworkers.) I have dedicated the last 1.5 years of my life to finding "my people." As in, I literally quit my job and started joining meetups, hikes, groups, maker spaces, attending events, organizing my own, and just hanging out in public all the time. Long story short, I am no better off socially than I was 1.5 years ago. I am looking for work again so I can make work friends. I've become acquainted with a handful of people. Despite a lot of probing and chatting, I haven't clicked with anyone. In sum, I consider the last 1.5 years of my life time mostly wasted. I should have either kept trying to make closer friends through work or done something more radical than just trying to be more social.
• jeffreyrogers 4y ago
  > “There's this phenomenon called homohysteria, which is the fear of being perceived as gay that I think really, really is destructive for men's friendships,” she says. I see this claimed a lot (usually from women), but it doesn't seem true to me. It is true that men are less likely to form new friendships as adults than women, but I don't think it has anything to do with being perceived as gay in most cases. It has much more to do with the ways men and women socialize. Women also seem better at retaining friendships when they move, by calling and catching up with their old friends, while men tend to let old friendships die. Obviously these are generalizations and there are plenty of exceptions in both directions, but I think the basic pattern is true for the two groups as a whole.
• FrontierPsych 4y ago
  Not too difficult, actually. The thing is that you have to put in more effort than when younger. Proximity and constant contact is easy when you are young. One of the things that made it easier in elementary/jr high/high school and/or university is that you were in classes every day or every other day with the same person for months. You see them on campus or buildings as you are walking around. Going to school is mandatory, so you will see the same people every day. It's easy. As an adult, it is not the same. But that is why office romances are so common. You are forced to see the same people every day. But there are other places. Some go to church for social contact, not necessarily worship. Or maybe worship is a 2 or 3 and social is 9 out of 10 in importance. One solution is to go to groups with weekly meetings. Monthly is not frequent enough. I met a lot of cool people in a hiking group and a technical groups that I went to. If you start your own hiking/walking group and get 10 or 20 people to attend, you will have a lot of friends, especially if you are the group leader. Leaders always get the attention of everyone - it's built into our DNA. You are the one who puts in the effort, gets people together, plans where you go to walk. You have to "market" the group. You also have to plan extracurricular activities - if you have a hiking group, every few months you can have a party at your house for your group, or BBQ or whatever. Join weekly groups, or create a weekly group. That's the best way. If you just don't want to put in the effort, well, what can I say. You won't get together frequently enough to form bonds. It really just isn't possible, or maybe just not likely anyways. You want to increase probabilities, you need to meet with people weekly. I think creating the group is best. --------------------------------------------- Here are some ways if you want to createyour own group to find and attract members: Create a Facebook group or page and invite your friends to join and share it with their network. Use other social media platforms such as Twitter, Instagram, or LinkedIn to promote your group and reach a wider audience. Create a website or a landing page where people can learn more about your group and sign up to join. Post flyers or posters in public spaces such as coffee shops, libraries, or community centers. Attend local events and hand out flyers to people who might be interested. Use word of mouth and tell your friends, family, and colleagues about your group and ask them to spread the word. Ask local related businesses if you can post flyers or business cards in their establishment. Camping stores for hiking, computer stores for tech groups, etc. Use online community platforms such as Meetup, Eventbrite, or Facebook Events to create and promote your group. Create a group on LinkedIn and invite people in your industry to join. Use Reddit to post about your group in relevant subreddits. Reach out to local organizations or clubs and ask if they would be interested in collaborating with your group. Use Craigslist to post about your group in the community section. Attend networking events and conferences to meet new people and promote your group. Create a hashtag for your group and use it on social media to increase visibility. Use paid advertising on social media platforms such as Facebook or Instagram to reach a wider audience. Partner with local newspapers or radio stations to advertise your group. Use email marketing to reach out to people who might be interested in joining. Attend local festivals or events and hand out flyers or business cards. Use Google AdWords to target people searching for keywords related to your group. Create a YouTube channel and post videos about your group to promote it. Use influencer marketing by partnering with people who have a large following in your niche. Attend relevant industry events and promote your group to the attendees. Partner with local schools or universities to reach out to students who might be interested in joining. Partner with churches and other types of places where people meet regularly. Host a launch event or a meetup to introduce your group to the community and attract new members.
• glonq 4y ago
  When I was a kid, we moved a lot. So I had to make new friends every year or two. And I did. But did this help me with making friends as an adult? Apparently nope. How come there's a million dating apps but no "friend finding" apps? Well there's meetup.com but the results there are somewhat meh.
  • bardan 4y ago
    I would assume a friend finding app would turn into a lowkey hookup app.
• jamesgill 4y ago
  Maybe it isn’t ‘making friends is hard’ as much as it is ‘modern high-mobility, independent lifestyles make it hard to make friends’. Isn’t that the elephant in the room? We want independence but really want interdependence.
• musicale 4y ago
  > "I met somebody several years ago that I thought I might get to be friends with and invited them out to have coffee with me. I was told that this person really had all the friends that they need.” :( > "it’s of the utmost importance for people like Troxel to keep putting themselves out there." I wonder what happened to him.