7 ms·

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that. If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up. The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never like me". It almost always cashes out into "oh yeah, I don't really meet women anyways." Yet they'll carry around this whole constellation of self-limiting beliefs as if they were living the former scenario.

ZephyrBlu 4y ago
100%. Exposure is almost always the problem.
- tennisflyi 4y ago
  Yes and it’s expensive money and time wise. All day at work. Almost all money to bills. Repeat.
  - hexo 4y ago
    That is waste.
numbers_guy 4y ago
He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more. And I agree with you. I think, for a lot of these guys, if you literally never ever get a good chance, then of course that you go into "monk mode". I only fell in love the first time at 22, because I met a girl who I found amazing. The second time at 28, again because I very randomly met a girl who was amazing.
- mattrighetti 4y ago
  > He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more. This is a classic, I've heard people say stuff like this in basically every country that I visited. I don't think it is something that can be measured, it's just something super subjective and a bit of a stereotype. From my experience, I've noticed that typically individuals will say this of people with their same nationality (or from their own country in general). The same individuals will then argue that "Oh, I've been in country X and girls/boys are way easier to date" but I don't think that is related to the country itself.
  - kranke155 4y ago
    … this sort of stuff is not just a “stereotype”. This stuff is real. This is measurable. I am Portuguese - Brazilian. The gap between meeting and making new friends is gargantuan between the two countries. You can meet Brazilians for an hour or two and they’ll invite you to some gathering at their home. Portuguese people will do this less. And I’ve lived in England where this is even harder to make friends. London is the loneliest city in Europe and where people have the lowest average number of friendships. It’s not just a stereotype. There are HUGE cultural differences.
    - augusto-moura 4y ago
      I have to agree with this as a Brazilian. More over you can see the differences between countries very easily, it becomes even more apparent when you look to non-western non-eurocentric countries. Each country in Asia has its own way of meeting new people. BUT there always exceptions (a lot of exceptions actually), and you shouldn't change your country based only on that. It is easy to find exceptions, shy people on Brazil, extroverts on Portugal, people who want something serious, or just date you a few times. The world is very diverse and there is a LOT of people that you can talk too. I can't say that these cultural differences make that big of a difference to be honest
    - brabel 4y ago
      > London is the loneliest city in Europe Are you sure? Living in the nordic countries, I find it difficult to believe it... Swedes make Britons look extremeley outgoing and open.
- bingobongodude 4y ago
  >He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more. Hogwash. You are used to a different culture is all. As a German it does not take more effort to turn an encounter into "something more", you are just not used to the customs.
  - dunefox 4y ago
    As a German it's definitely true. It's got nothing to do with the customs.
    - qikInNdOutReply 4y ago
      Germany is a labour camp, decorated as a country.
      - dunefox 4y ago
        Not far off.
      - chclt 4y ago
        Surprisingly, thats actually France.
kayodelycaon 4y ago
So... how does one actually meet women?
- TimTheTinker 4y ago
  Any place that facilitates meeting people in general and that attracts a high enough woman/man ratio. Where would you go to make friends of either sex? That's a good starting place.
  - shrimp_emoji 4y ago
    Schools Hospitals Grocery stores That's all I got.
    - deleted 4y ago
      [deleted]
    - datavirtue 4y ago
      Thier phone.
  - 1659447091 4y ago
    co-ed sports leagues
- kranke155 4y ago
  Go to dance class.
- toast0 4y ago
  Same way you meet any type of human. Participate in activities where socialization is a part of the activity, either intentionally or not; and actively socialize when the opportunity presents itself. As a basic filter for activities, look for things where many people participate in physical proximity, the activity has periods of intense focus and then lulls, and without a taboo on talking. It helps if the activity attracts the type of people you want to meet, and it also interests you. Don't bring a phone or other distraction for the periods of non-focus, use that time to probe for socialization.
JohnFen 4y ago
As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.
- dangwhy 4y ago
  > do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.
  - brigandish 4y ago
    Dancing, there are always women learning to dance and they far outnumber the men.
    - datavirtue 4y ago
      Krav Maga. Constant inflow of women.
      - brigandish 4y ago
        Is that so? That's good to hear, learning some self defence is such an important skill. If it ends up in romance too, I reckon that's a double win!
      - dangwhy 4y ago
        sarcasm?
        mmierz 4y ago
        Probably not, martial arts classes that are marketed as self defense or exercise rather than as training for combat sports get a significant number of women
yodsanklai 4y ago
It gets increasingly harder as we get old, at least for me. Even doing activities, trying online dating, it's just difficult. I suppose when we're 40+, we haven't adjusted our standards yet, and libido is decreasing too. I reached the point where I almost renounced trying to meet someone.
LukasRos 4y ago
I'm the guy who wrote the post and I can confirm the number of single women I meet is extremely low - which is what I meant by "lack of opportunities". I do have a somewhat active social life but I would have to actively optimize that for meeting single women, which would require some changes, which I haven't done - "lack of desire". But it's something I want to work on and maybe that's my next blog post :)
- muyuu 4y ago
  I suspect it will just start happening naturally if you get into something that isn't too male-dominated. Not necessarily knitting-club or yoga class levels, but maybe astronomy, gardening, camping/hiking or board games level.
  - brabel 4y ago
    I didn't have too much trouble getting girls when I was younger, in my home country... but once I got a bit older, and I mean around early 20's, not 40's, it started getting really difficult, and not for lack of trying... I was pretty much a party animal at the time, and would do pretty much all sort of things to meet girls and hopefully start a serious relationship, which was my real goal for quite a lot of time. I went to university events I knew there would be girls (not in my department, CompSci was almost entirely male). Gym. Festivals. You name it, I did it. I even tried approaching a really geeky girl I knew, as I thought she might be a good partner as she was a bit like me, just more extreme in her introvertness... after a few "dates", she had to told me she's lesbian, and I had no clue :D. I really hurts to say that I completely failed. I saw lots of friends getting girls so easily while the girls I approached seemed to be offended by me even trying. I did end up having a couple of short relationships with women I was completely unattracted to, unfortunately... but of course, it couldn't last. I made it my number one priority to find a wife (now I was past 30's already). So I started online dating, which I found miserable and humiliating. Nothing much came of it. Until I finally went on international sites. Likely, most of it was scam, but basically the first woman I started communicating seriously with became my wife, eventually... funny how things go. But at the cost of me having to move to another country, something I had no intention of doing... but as my number one priority, I made the sacrifice of moving and leaving everything behind, as she told me from the beginning she would not move for me. We're still married, more than 10 years later, but I really miss "home", and even though she's quite good to me, I wouldn't say we're a perfect match... I had to give up not just the country where I lived, but things like having children (she doesn't want any) and visiting my family often (she doesn't like them). Everyone knows I moved just because of my wife, and it feels horrible to me because, truth be told, there are so many gorgeous women where I came from and they know it too :(. I am at least happy I didn't end up alone. All I am saying is: if you think it'll just happen naturally... well, it won't... but be careful how far you're willing to go to make it happen. Maybe it's not worth it.

ZephyrBlu 4y ago

100%. Exposure is almost always the problem.

tennisflyi 4y ago
Yes and it’s expensive money and time wise. All day at work. Almost all money to bills. Repeat.
- hexo 4y ago
  That is waste.

numbers_guy 4y ago

He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more. And I agree with you. I think, for a lot of these guys, if you literally never ever get a good chance, then of course that you go into "monk mode". I only fell in love the first time at 22, because I met a girl who I found amazing. The second time at 28, again because I very randomly met a girl who was amazing.

mattrighetti 4y ago
> He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more. This is a classic, I've heard people say stuff like this in basically every country that I visited. I don't think it is something that can be measured, it's just something super subjective and a bit of a stereotype. From my experience, I've noticed that typically individuals will say this of people with their same nationality (or from their own country in general). The same individuals will then argue that "Oh, I've been in country X and girls/boys are way easier to date" but I don't think that is related to the country itself.
- kranke155 4y ago
  … this sort of stuff is not just a “stereotype”. This stuff is real. This is measurable. I am Portuguese - Brazilian. The gap between meeting and making new friends is gargantuan between the two countries. You can meet Brazilians for an hour or two and they’ll invite you to some gathering at their home. Portuguese people will do this less. And I’ve lived in England where this is even harder to make friends. London is the loneliest city in Europe and where people have the lowest average number of friendships. It’s not just a stereotype. There are HUGE cultural differences.
  - augusto-moura 4y ago
    I have to agree with this as a Brazilian. More over you can see the differences between countries very easily, it becomes even more apparent when you look to non-western non-eurocentric countries. Each country in Asia has its own way of meeting new people. BUT there always exceptions (a lot of exceptions actually), and you shouldn't change your country based only on that. It is easy to find exceptions, shy people on Brazil, extroverts on Portugal, people who want something serious, or just date you a few times. The world is very diverse and there is a LOT of people that you can talk too. I can't say that these cultural differences make that big of a difference to be honest
  - brabel 4y ago
    > London is the loneliest city in Europe Are you sure? Living in the nordic countries, I find it difficult to believe it... Swedes make Britons look extremeley outgoing and open.
bingobongodude 4y ago
>He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more. Hogwash. You are used to a different culture is all. As a German it does not take more effort to turn an encounter into "something more", you are just not used to the customs.
- dunefox 4y ago
  As a German it's definitely true. It's got nothing to do with the customs.
  - qikInNdOutReply 4y ago
    Germany is a labour camp, decorated as a country.
    - dunefox 4y ago
      Not far off.
    - chclt 4y ago
      Surprisingly, thats actually France.

kayodelycaon 4y ago

So... how does one actually meet women?

TimTheTinker 4y ago
Any place that facilitates meeting people in general and that attracts a high enough woman/man ratio. Where would you go to make friends of either sex? That's a good starting place.
- shrimp_emoji 4y ago
  Schools Hospitals Grocery stores That's all I got.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - datavirtue 4y ago
    Thier phone.
- 1659447091 4y ago
  co-ed sports leagues
kranke155 4y ago
Go to dance class.
toast0 4y ago
Same way you meet any type of human. Participate in activities where socialization is a part of the activity, either intentionally or not; and actively socialize when the opportunity presents itself. As a basic filter for activities, look for things where many people participate in physical proximity, the activity has periods of intense focus and then lulls, and without a taboo on talking. It helps if the activity attracts the type of people you want to meet, and it also interests you. Don't bring a phone or other distraction for the periods of non-focus, use that time to probe for socialization.

JohnFen 4y ago

As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.

dangwhy 4y ago
> do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.
- brigandish 4y ago
  Dancing, there are always women learning to dance and they far outnumber the men.
  - datavirtue 4y ago
    Krav Maga. Constant inflow of women.
    - brigandish 4y ago
      Is that so? That's good to hear, learning some self defence is such an important skill. If it ends up in romance too, I reckon that's a double win!
    - dangwhy 4y ago
      sarcasm?
      - mmierz 4y ago
        Probably not, martial arts classes that are marketed as self defense or exercise rather than as training for combat sports get a significant number of women

yodsanklai 4y ago

It gets increasingly harder as we get old, at least for me. Even doing activities, trying online dating, it's just difficult. I suppose when we're 40+, we haven't adjusted our standards yet, and libido is decreasing too. I reached the point where I almost renounced trying to meet someone.

LukasRos 4y ago

I'm the guy who wrote the post and I can confirm the number of single women I meet is extremely low - which is what I meant by "lack of opportunities". I do have a somewhat active social life but I would have to actively optimize that for meeting single women, which would require some changes, which I haven't done - "lack of desire". But it's something I want to work on and maybe that's my next blog post :)

muyuu 4y ago
I suspect it will just start happening naturally if you get into something that isn't too male-dominated. Not necessarily knitting-club or yoga class levels, but maybe astronomy, gardening, camping/hiking or board games level.
- brabel 4y ago
  I didn't have too much trouble getting girls when I was younger, in my home country... but once I got a bit older, and I mean around early 20's, not 40's, it started getting really difficult, and not for lack of trying... I was pretty much a party animal at the time, and would do pretty much all sort of things to meet girls and hopefully start a serious relationship, which was my real goal for quite a lot of time. I went to university events I knew there would be girls (not in my department, CompSci was almost entirely male). Gym. Festivals. You name it, I did it. I even tried approaching a really geeky girl I knew, as I thought she might be a good partner as she was a bit like me, just more extreme in her introvertness... after a few "dates", she had to told me she's lesbian, and I had no clue :D. I really hurts to say that I completely failed. I saw lots of friends getting girls so easily while the girls I approached seemed to be offended by me even trying. I did end up having a couple of short relationships with women I was completely unattracted to, unfortunately... but of course, it couldn't last. I made it my number one priority to find a wife (now I was past 30's already). So I started online dating, which I found miserable and humiliating. Nothing much came of it. Until I finally went on international sites. Likely, most of it was scam, but basically the first woman I started communicating seriously with became my wife, eventually... funny how things go. But at the cost of me having to move to another country, something I had no intention of doing... but as my number one priority, I made the sacrifice of moving and leaving everything behind, as she told me from the beginning she would not move for me. We're still married, more than 10 years later, but I really miss "home", and even though she's quite good to me, I wouldn't say we're a perfect match... I had to give up not just the country where I lived, but things like having children (she doesn't want any) and visiting my family often (she doesn't like them). Everyone knows I moved just because of my wife, and it feels horrible to me because, truth be told, there are so many gorgeous women where I came from and they know it too :(. I am at least happy I didn't end up alone. All I am saying is: if you think it'll just happen naturally... well, it won't... but be careful how far you're willing to go to make it happen. Maybe it's not worth it.