15 ms·

My takeaway is that many people would rather decide themselves than set a blanket policy, even if results are similar. I feel this way about most consumer searc

My takeaway is that many people would rather decide themselves than set a blanket policy, even if results are similar. I feel this way about most consumer searching- say a real estate search: you may have a good idea of the location and specs of the house you're looking for, but much better to set wider filters just in case something interesting comes along that's out of spec in some way. Even if effectively you only consider the ones that would have made it through a tighter filter. I'm not at all surprised this is true for online dating as well.

TechBro8615 4y ago
Yeah, you don't want to miss that Short King with the Lambo.
- giraffe_lady 4y ago
  The real reason to filter out short men is they tend to have exactly this sort of complex about it. It's the king part not the lambo you don't want to miss.
  - TechBro8615 4y ago
    That's what I would expect a giraffe lady to say :)
    - giraffe_lady 4y ago
      ha true good point
    - mastersummoner 4y ago
      I can't believe how well you were set up for this one, haha.
      - TechBro8615 4y ago
        FWIW, as someone 5'8", I also filter out women who are taller than me. So I don't hold any grudges against women who filter out men who are shorter than them. And I think "giraffe ladies" actually have it equally as bad as short kings. Most men don't want to date someone taller than them. I think what some men find annoying is when short women filter out men under some arbitrary height. But personally I don't really care, that's their right to do (newsflash: people have preferences), and the better looking they are, the more of a reason they have to do it anyway. Also, not all dating apps require you to list your height, so you can omit it from your bio at the risk of a disappointed look upon first meet, but that's up to you to make up for with confidence.
      - truncate 4y ago
        >>> FWIW, as someone 5'8", I also filter out women who are taller than me. As a man, would you filter out taller women if you are casually dating? I think the preferences also depends on what you are looking for.
        TechBro8615 4y ago
        Yes, but just because that's my preference and I'm not *that* short. Most girls are shorter than me. If I were 5'3" or something, then it would obviously be more difficult to have such a preference. I do feel a lot of empathy for those guys.
        kevin_thibedeau 4y ago
        Many taller women have a dismissive attitude toward anyone shorter than them. I once had a 6'1" woman become infatuated with me. She let it be known that someone taller than me was "too short". It isn't worth the bother fighting against instinct. Of course woe to the man who expresses equivalent arbitrary requirements on fixed physical attributes in their selection criteria.
        opportune 4y ago
        I’d caution against universalizing these preferences. I’m dating someone an inch taller than me and height so far isn’t a problem. I’d be sad if I didn’t meet her because of worrying about what she’d think about my height
  - monksy 4y ago
    lol. I love this attitude. The lack of self awareness that rejecting people that have had negative experiences causes negative experiences. Have you talked with people who are short, dated them, and/or attempted to talk to them when they go on a negative spiral?
    - giraffe_lady 4y ago
      yes? why do you assume I'm talking out of my ass here lol. It's your responsibility to not let your negative experiences poison your soul. I have never personally filtered out short men but I've also seen enough of them with this nasty incel-lite attitude about why no one wants to date them that I understand why someone would.
      - deleted 4y ago
        [deleted]
      - monksy 4y ago
        >have never personally filtered out short men You stated a hard preference on why you don't like short men here: > The real reason to filter out short men is they tend to have exactly this sort of complex about it. It's 100% fine to have your preference, and even more reasonable to not want to be around people who have aggressive attitudes. But don't be surprised when that group looks terrible when your viewpoint is nothing but that negativity you associated with them.
        giraffe_lady 4y ago
        Nah I was saying that a valid & relevant reason exists, not that I act on that reason in my own life.
        Dma54rhs 4y ago
        It's still bigotry though.
        4y ago
  - Teever 4y ago
    I'm pretty sure that most women are just not attracted to men even moderately shorter than themselves but they're too prideful to admit it so we get stuff like what you're saying and 'I want to date a guy I can wear heels around.' Most people would rather just hear 'I'm not attracted to you because of an immutable physical characteristic' than some wishy-washy and nebulous dig on their personality.
    - Gracana 4y ago
      Someone will complain regardless. The “problem” is women having preferences, not the way they express them.
      - Teever 4y ago
        Someone will always complain. Honest is still the best policy.
      - midoridensha 4y ago
        Having preferences is still a problem (a real problem) when your preferences are utterly unrealistic and ridiculous. Such as not-so-attractive 5'2" women demanding to only date men who are 6'4", or 60-year-old men refusing to date women older than 30. Of course, I guess you could argue that people like this really shouldn't be in relationships to begin with, so it's better if they maintain their preferences and standards and refuse to budge, effectively self-opting out of the dating pool.
        jjj123 4y ago
        Why are unrealistic preferences a problem for anyone but the person with the unrealistic preferences? The only way someone else’s standards become a problem for you is when you feel entitled to that person’s attraction (“I’m a 7 and she’s a 6, therefore she should give me a chance. But she only talks to 9s, the nerve!”). But you’re not actually entitled to anyone’s attraction, so that’s on you, not on them.
        4y ago
  - throwaway290 4y ago
    Controversial but maybe under-appreciated point. Similar here, I tend to filter by age on these apps not because that's what I'm strictly into but because in my limited experience older ladies tend to be more thirsty/desperate and that makes it difficult for me... I know I can meet a person above set age limit who will tick required boxes but chance of memorably awkward date seems too high.
    - TechBro8615 4y ago
      I think that depends on your definition of "thirsty." The older ladies tend to be more interested in long-term dating, while the younger ladies are often (rather enthusiastically) open to short-term dating with older guys.
      - throwaway290 4y ago
        Yes enthusiastically short term younger dates can be awkward also, end result I don't use these apps recently, meet in real life or not at all...
      - midoridensha 4y ago
        In my experience, ladies that are too young seem to just be there for a free meal, and hoping to find a rich sugar daddy to buy luxury goods for her. Older ladies are frequently downright desperate, but yes, generally only interested in something long-term.
        throwaway290 4y ago
        I am certainly not at risk of being used as luxury good buyer. But a meet over a free (for her) meal can be fine and not at all awkward IMO, this way it doesn't feel like I am wasting someone's time if it turns out I am not interested (and if she's not interested well I got a conversation out of it).
radu_floricica 4y ago
That's our excuse, but in practice when you find yourself swiping left simply because they're not the right age only 5 minutes after you set the age filter, you start wondering if maybe there's a difference between your stated and revealed preferences. I know I do.
- csa 4y ago
  > but in practice when you find yourself swiping left simply because they're not the right age only 5 minutes after you set the age filter, you start wondering if maybe there's a difference between your stated and revealed preferences. Meh… I almost always set a really wide band on age on dating apps. The catch is that the folks at the extremes have to be exceptional in one or more ways in order to get a positive reaction from me. Typically it’s: - Really young people (I’m in the middle aged dating pool) have to show some maturity — I don’t want to date a kid, and I don’t want to date someone with a daddy complex. - Older ladies need to show some youthfulness. Some people have clearly given up in middle age in terms of taking care of themselves and doing interesting things. I’m not interested in these folks — they seem like they have one foot in the grave to me. For reference, my dating range has been -15 to +7, so I don’t think I’m being overly narrow in my band. That said, most of my dates are in the -5 to -10 range.
  - Nifty3929 4y ago
    >> The catch is that the folks at the extremes have to be exceptional in one or more ways in order to get a positive reaction from me. I think this is the crux of the issue - we don't have absolute, binary requirements, we have weighted preferences. "He's a bit older, but then again he looks youthful. OTOH he doesn't have any hobbies. But then again we're aligned politically. Okay, I'll chance it." A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold.
    - midoridensha 4y ago
      >A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold. That would be great, but it won't work. Too many people will answer questions incorrectly or not at all, and almost no one will be able to even use the app effectively even if the app designers implemented it. And I have no confidence the app developers would even be able to implement it properly.
ModernMech 4y ago
This is essentially why I don't order grocery store delivery via the internet. I tried it a couple times, and when the item I wanted was out of stock, they reasonably wouldn't pick a substitute. I think there were some options to specify a substitute, but it's just too much work to make a list and then make an alternative list for every item that isn't there. So I end up going myself and making those decisions ad hoc, which the store picker can't/won't.
- flangola7 4y ago
  Where is the grocery store for dates?
  - throwaway290 4y ago
    Pub, club, bar, fest, etc.
  - fknorangesite 4y ago
    This is the grass people keep telling us to go touch?
  - dotancohen 4y ago
    My grocery store stocks dates, in season.
    - monksy 4y ago
      Costco does as well, it's cheaper in bulk.
      - leobabauta 4y ago
        It's cheaper, but not necessarily good quality. The dates I've bought from Costco are usually people who are looking on their phones the whole time we're out. Why bother?
  - monksy 4y ago
    Oh god.. here goes another insane 2x or twitter thread about getting hit on while at the grocery store.
Atlas22 4y ago
Interestingly enough, the reason why I do it is because in both real estate markets and dating apps, its extremely common to have questions not answered (or not answered correctly). For example, in real estate try sorting by decreasing lot size, everything at the top of the search will be microscopic lots where they multiplied the acreage by 1000x or more. On the dating apps I tried at one point, adding filters for a question filters out everyone that did not answer the question, which is not the desired result for many things, so I just removed the filter altogether and filter manually. So in that case its more of a function of shitty design of real estate and dating apps that caused it for me.
JohnFen 4y ago
I do this for pretty much everything. I prefer not filters at all, but if there's too much data to manually scan through, I'll use the bare minimum necessary to get the dataset down to a size I can manually deal with it. The reason I started doing this is because there are too many tagging errors, and setting filters wide reduces the accidental omission of relevant items. Also, as you mentioned, setting the loosest possible filter allows for serendipitous discoveries.

TechBro8615 4y ago

Yeah, you don't want to miss that Short King with the Lambo.

giraffe_lady 4y ago
The real reason to filter out short men is they tend to have exactly this sort of complex about it. It's the king part not the lambo you don't want to miss.
- TechBro8615 4y ago
  That's what I would expect a giraffe lady to say :)
  - giraffe_lady 4y ago
    ha true good point
  - mastersummoner 4y ago
    I can't believe how well you were set up for this one, haha.
    - TechBro8615 4y ago
      FWIW, as someone 5'8", I also filter out women who are taller than me. So I don't hold any grudges against women who filter out men who are shorter than them. And I think "giraffe ladies" actually have it equally as bad as short kings. Most men don't want to date someone taller than them. I think what some men find annoying is when short women filter out men under some arbitrary height. But personally I don't really care, that's their right to do (newsflash: people have preferences), and the better looking they are, the more of a reason they have to do it anyway. Also, not all dating apps require you to list your height, so you can omit it from your bio at the risk of a disappointed look upon first meet, but that's up to you to make up for with confidence.
    - truncate 4y ago
      >>> FWIW, as someone 5'8", I also filter out women who are taller than me. As a man, would you filter out taller women if you are casually dating? I think the preferences also depends on what you are looking for.
      - TechBro8615 4y ago
        Yes, but just because that's my preference and I'm not *that* short. Most girls are shorter than me. If I were 5'3" or something, then it would obviously be more difficult to have such a preference. I do feel a lot of empathy for those guys.
      - kevin_thibedeau 4y ago
        Many taller women have a dismissive attitude toward anyone shorter than them. I once had a 6'1" woman become infatuated with me. She let it be known that someone taller than me was "too short". It isn't worth the bother fighting against instinct. Of course woe to the man who expresses equivalent arbitrary requirements on fixed physical attributes in their selection criteria.
        opportune 4y ago
        I’d caution against universalizing these preferences. I’m dating someone an inch taller than me and height so far isn’t a problem. I’d be sad if I didn’t meet her because of worrying about what she’d think about my height
- monksy 4y ago
  lol. I love this attitude. The lack of self awareness that rejecting people that have had negative experiences causes negative experiences. Have you talked with people who are short, dated them, and/or attempted to talk to them when they go on a negative spiral?
  - giraffe_lady 4y ago
    yes? why do you assume I'm talking out of my ass here lol. It's your responsibility to not let your negative experiences poison your soul. I have never personally filtered out short men but I've also seen enough of them with this nasty incel-lite attitude about why no one wants to date them that I understand why someone would.
    - deleted 4y ago
      [deleted]
    - monksy 4y ago
      >have never personally filtered out short men You stated a hard preference on why you don't like short men here: > The real reason to filter out short men is they tend to have exactly this sort of complex about it. It's 100% fine to have your preference, and even more reasonable to not want to be around people who have aggressive attitudes. But don't be surprised when that group looks terrible when your viewpoint is nothing but that negativity you associated with them.
      - giraffe_lady 4y ago
        Nah I was saying that a valid & relevant reason exists, not that I act on that reason in my own life.
        Dma54rhs 4y ago
        It's still bigotry though.
        4y ago
- Teever 4y ago
  I'm pretty sure that most women are just not attracted to men even moderately shorter than themselves but they're too prideful to admit it so we get stuff like what you're saying and 'I want to date a guy I can wear heels around.' Most people would rather just hear 'I'm not attracted to you because of an immutable physical characteristic' than some wishy-washy and nebulous dig on their personality.
  - Gracana 4y ago
    Someone will complain regardless. The “problem” is women having preferences, not the way they express them.
    - Teever 4y ago
      Someone will always complain. Honest is still the best policy.
    - midoridensha 4y ago
      Having preferences is still a problem (a real problem) when your preferences are utterly unrealistic and ridiculous. Such as not-so-attractive 5'2" women demanding to only date men who are 6'4", or 60-year-old men refusing to date women older than 30. Of course, I guess you could argue that people like this really shouldn't be in relationships to begin with, so it's better if they maintain their preferences and standards and refuse to budge, effectively self-opting out of the dating pool.
      - jjj123 4y ago
        Why are unrealistic preferences a problem for anyone but the person with the unrealistic preferences? The only way someone else’s standards become a problem for you is when you feel entitled to that person’s attraction (“I’m a 7 and she’s a 6, therefore she should give me a chance. But she only talks to 9s, the nerve!”). But you’re not actually entitled to anyone’s attraction, so that’s on you, not on them.
        4y ago
- throwaway290 4y ago
  Controversial but maybe under-appreciated point. Similar here, I tend to filter by age on these apps not because that's what I'm strictly into but because in my limited experience older ladies tend to be more thirsty/desperate and that makes it difficult for me... I know I can meet a person above set age limit who will tick required boxes but chance of memorably awkward date seems too high.
  - TechBro8615 4y ago
    I think that depends on your definition of "thirsty." The older ladies tend to be more interested in long-term dating, while the younger ladies are often (rather enthusiastically) open to short-term dating with older guys.
    - throwaway290 4y ago
      Yes enthusiastically short term younger dates can be awkward also, end result I don't use these apps recently, meet in real life or not at all...
    - midoridensha 4y ago
      In my experience, ladies that are too young seem to just be there for a free meal, and hoping to find a rich sugar daddy to buy luxury goods for her. Older ladies are frequently downright desperate, but yes, generally only interested in something long-term.
      - throwaway290 4y ago
        I am certainly not at risk of being used as luxury good buyer. But a meet over a free (for her) meal can be fine and not at all awkward IMO, this way it doesn't feel like I am wasting someone's time if it turns out I am not interested (and if she's not interested well I got a conversation out of it).

radu_floricica 4y ago

That's our excuse, but in practice when you find yourself swiping left simply because they're not the right age only 5 minutes after you set the age filter, you start wondering if maybe there's a difference between your stated and revealed preferences. I know I do.

csa 4y ago
> but in practice when you find yourself swiping left simply because they're not the right age only 5 minutes after you set the age filter, you start wondering if maybe there's a difference between your stated and revealed preferences. Meh… I almost always set a really wide band on age on dating apps. The catch is that the folks at the extremes have to be exceptional in one or more ways in order to get a positive reaction from me. Typically it’s: - Really young people (I’m in the middle aged dating pool) have to show some maturity — I don’t want to date a kid, and I don’t want to date someone with a daddy complex. - Older ladies need to show some youthfulness. Some people have clearly given up in middle age in terms of taking care of themselves and doing interesting things. I’m not interested in these folks — they seem like they have one foot in the grave to me. For reference, my dating range has been -15 to +7, so I don’t think I’m being overly narrow in my band. That said, most of my dates are in the -5 to -10 range.
- Nifty3929 4y ago
  >> The catch is that the folks at the extremes have to be exceptional in one or more ways in order to get a positive reaction from me. I think this is the crux of the issue - we don't have absolute, binary requirements, we have weighted preferences. "He's a bit older, but then again he looks youthful. OTOH he doesn't have any hobbies. But then again we're aligned politically. Okay, I'll chance it." A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold.
  - midoridensha 4y ago
    >A better way would be to allow you to set these weights and have a scoring system, and then you can set a numerical threshold. That would be great, but it won't work. Too many people will answer questions incorrectly or not at all, and almost no one will be able to even use the app effectively even if the app designers implemented it. And I have no confidence the app developers would even be able to implement it properly.

ModernMech 4y ago

This is essentially why I don't order grocery store delivery via the internet. I tried it a couple times, and when the item I wanted was out of stock, they reasonably wouldn't pick a substitute. I think there were some options to specify a substitute, but it's just too much work to make a list and then make an alternative list for every item that isn't there. So I end up going myself and making those decisions ad hoc, which the store picker can't/won't.

flangola7 4y ago
Where is the grocery store for dates?
- throwaway290 4y ago
  Pub, club, bar, fest, etc.
- fknorangesite 4y ago
  This is the grass people keep telling us to go touch?
- dotancohen 4y ago
  My grocery store stocks dates, in season.
  - monksy 4y ago
    Costco does as well, it's cheaper in bulk.
    - leobabauta 4y ago
      It's cheaper, but not necessarily good quality. The dates I've bought from Costco are usually people who are looking on their phones the whole time we're out. Why bother?
- monksy 4y ago
  Oh god.. here goes another insane 2x or twitter thread about getting hit on while at the grocery store.

Atlas22 4y ago

Interestingly enough, the reason why I do it is because in both real estate markets and dating apps, its extremely common to have questions not answered (or not answered correctly). For example, in real estate try sorting by decreasing lot size, everything at the top of the search will be microscopic lots where they multiplied the acreage by 1000x or more. On the dating apps I tried at one point, adding filters for a question filters out everyone that did not answer the question, which is not the desired result for many things, so I just removed the filter altogether and filter manually. So in that case its more of a function of shitty design of real estate and dating apps that caused it for me.

JohnFen 4y ago

I do this for pretty much everything. I prefer not filters at all, but if there's too much data to manually scan through, I'll use the bare minimum necessary to get the dataset down to a size I can manually deal with it. The reason I started doing this is because there are too many tagging errors, and setting filters wide reduces the accidental omission of relevant items. Also, as you mentioned, setting the loosest possible filter allows for serendipitous discoveries.