5 ms·

My issue, and it is part of my disgust and the turning into a misogynist, is that I’ve majorly lost trust in the goodwill of women. The issue is that I’m single

My issue, and it is part of my disgust and the turning into a misogynist, is that I’ve majorly lost trust in the goodwill of women. The issue is that I’m singled out over mostly things I couldn’t choose, and the average joe that didn’t hit this lotto won’t even be looked at by the woman I settle down with. Me knowing this means I have no respect for her. My sympathy for men is turning into misogyny.

DoreenMichele 4y ago
First, realize that women are just people too and "ninety percent of everything is crap." If you do wish to marry and settle down, you need only ONE good woman and you need to NOT crap all over her the minute you meet her because of baggage. 1. Very beautiful women sometimes set up dating profiles with no photos or take other measures to attract men for reasons other than how photogenic they are. 2. Hobbies are a good way to meet people you have things in common with and can present the opportunity to get to know someone socially before you get jiggy. 3. Sometimes introductions via friends can work out. If you are genuinely friends with someone and they know someone that they have sized up and concluded they are not a nutter, etc, sometimes that works surprisingly well.
- causticthrow 4y ago
  Hey Doreen - hope you’re doing better. 1. I haven’t done online dating at all. What I’ve seen in real life is hit and miss. I know too much of the corporate world. Marital affairs, sleeping for promotions, sex parties with upper management/C-levels, you name it. 2. I have hobbies in the arts where I excel, am recognized, and there are lots of women. 3. My closest friends are hardcore players which doesn’t help. While your list would be good for someone looking for a date and/or a way to stand out, in my case it doesn’t help. Rebuilding trust when I’m surrounded by what I equate to vipers isn’t a matter of finding someone good. Even if I did, I wouldn’t trust them based on past experiences and things I see day to day.
  - DoreenMichele 4y ago
    Well, what's your goal here? Are you wanting to establish a committed, long-term relationship? Are you wanting to sleep alone and be left the hell alone and retrieve some piece of yourself from the meat grinder it's been put through?
  - justinclift 4y ago
    Maybe try creating a Tinder profile but er... "fuck up" your picture so that although it's still you, it's not as an attractive version of yourself? You know, super shitty angle, bad lighting, maybe shitty camera blur, etc? If that gets too many matches, kill the profile, fuck up the pic(s) even more, and try again? Try and get the match threshold down to low numbers, and maybe you'll be finding people more to your liking?
  - consilient 4y ago
    > Rebuilding trust when I’m surrounded by what I equate to vipers isn’t a matter of finding someone good. So stop surrounding yourself with vipers. The C-suite isn't "real life", it's one very narrow and very highly selected slice of it. If you want to avoid ruthless social climbers, almost any other environment would be a better bet.
  - dwaltrip 4y ago
    Find a good therapist. They can help you with this. And get new friends, people who treat other people well.
koonsolo 4y ago
> lost trust in the goodwill of women Where is your goodwill? Are you just sleeping around with women or do you want to find a partner, settle down and start a family? Most women want that. So why would you question the goodwill of women when you don't have it yourself? Sounds a lot like projecting your own issues onto others. > My (few) sexual partners couldn’t get enough Enough of what? Did they want a serious relationship and you didn't? Well there you go then. I don't know you, so there is of course a chance that I'm wrong. But it sounds you don't want to have a serious relationship and start a family. And then you project this onto "the goodwill of women".
bmn__ 4y ago
You seem to have come to learn that reality is different than what you were told in your upbringing. A therapist can help you come to grips with accepting the uncomfortable truth (like: humans are shallow, humans follow mating strategies founded in intrinsic, often immutable, qualities over personal development, etc.) without externalising it negatively, e.g. misogyny. Maybe you will come to reevaluate assumptions, realise that this slice of human behaviour is just like nature made us, and the instincts chiefly drive our behaviour here and feelings like respect or honour are simply misplaced and part of the previously lived illusion.
lordfrito 4y ago
I call this the Tiger Woods problem... why throw it all away for flings with pornstars? Basically no one loves 'him', just his image and brand. I'm no Tiger Woods, but here's my 2 cents in case it helps you at all. I'm pretty much where you are... as I've gotten older and more successful I've become a more attractive package, but I've learned more and more that women aren't into 'me' at all... just what I have. Over time this has hurt me and I now have major trust issues with women. I recently took several years off from dating. Told myself I'd meet people organically in and around town. I wasn't looking to date, wasn't looking for hookups, just looking to get to know someone and do activities with them and see if we could act as friends. Asking myself: can I even be friends with a women? I should add I live on a lake, so there's a lot of "lake life" around here, lots of people to meet and have fun with, especially in the summer. I've pretty much learned that just being friends with women and not sleeping with them doesn't change much of the equation. Women can still "smell" the success on me, and stick close largely because they are either 1) using me to have fun with my money/toys or 2) biding their time looking for an eventual in, or some combination of the two. Overall I don't feel the majority of these women were good friends, or treated 'me' particularly well. I was a means to an end for them. You think point #2 above (biding time) would be ok, but the reality is that these women got jealous etc even though there was no relationship between us (no sex, no affection etc). They acted as if they deserved some sort of claim on me, which of course was ridiculous as I wasn't taking anything from them other than their time. In some ways I think "just friends" messes with a woman's mind. Long story short, because I wasn't seeking sex or anything it left me strangely feeling more used overall, as there was nothing I was taking in return for giving them access to my life/money/etc. I was giving the same, but getting less. They were still playing the game and trying to get things out of me, everything but getting to know or invest in the real 'me'. I've come to the conclusion that men and women really can't be friends at all (at least, not when you're trying to find and build a real relationship). Since that experiment, I started dating again, and can honestly say the gold diggers have gotten more numerous and more brazen. So what I do now to protect myself - make a quick decision as to whether or not I see any long term potential in the person, the sooner the better. Drop them the moment your gut says no long term here. I don't want my time wasted, or theirs. - I'm no longer sleeping with women until I've made a decision that there might be potential in the relationship (some ability to build trust). Easier to gauge long term potential without sex in the way (sex seemingly fast-forwards intimacy, but in a fake way). I can say it's been successful. I met a woman who comes from a similar place in life (successful, but with trust issues) and so neither of us needs anything from each other except the ability to build a trusting relationship. The word caliber comes to mind. If you're successful, you need to find women that match your caliber. Some form of success (doesn't have to be career or monetary) indicating they can meet you where you are. Lastly, I miss the ability to trust. I often miss the love I had for my unhealthy first wife, because even though she was terrible for me, she loved me when I didn't have two cents to rub together. I never doubted she loved 'me' as a person, not what I had. Hoping to get this back someday. Good luck to you

DoreenMichele 4y ago

First, realize that women are just people too and "ninety percent of everything is crap." If you do wish to marry and settle down, you need only ONE good woman and you need to NOT crap all over her the minute you meet her because of baggage. 1. Very beautiful women sometimes set up dating profiles with no photos or take other measures to attract men for reasons other than how photogenic they are. 2. Hobbies are a good way to meet people you have things in common with and can present the opportunity to get to know someone socially before you get jiggy. 3. Sometimes introductions via friends can work out. If you are genuinely friends with someone and they know someone that they have sized up and concluded they are not a nutter, etc, sometimes that works surprisingly well.

causticthrow 4y ago
Hey Doreen - hope you’re doing better. 1. I haven’t done online dating at all. What I’ve seen in real life is hit and miss. I know too much of the corporate world. Marital affairs, sleeping for promotions, sex parties with upper management/C-levels, you name it. 2. I have hobbies in the arts where I excel, am recognized, and there are lots of women. 3. My closest friends are hardcore players which doesn’t help. While your list would be good for someone looking for a date and/or a way to stand out, in my case it doesn’t help. Rebuilding trust when I’m surrounded by what I equate to vipers isn’t a matter of finding someone good. Even if I did, I wouldn’t trust them based on past experiences and things I see day to day.
- DoreenMichele 4y ago
  Well, what's your goal here? Are you wanting to establish a committed, long-term relationship? Are you wanting to sleep alone and be left the hell alone and retrieve some piece of yourself from the meat grinder it's been put through?
- justinclift 4y ago
  Maybe try creating a Tinder profile but er... "fuck up" your picture so that although it's still you, it's not as an attractive version of yourself? You know, super shitty angle, bad lighting, maybe shitty camera blur, etc? If that gets too many matches, kill the profile, fuck up the pic(s) even more, and try again? Try and get the match threshold down to low numbers, and maybe you'll be finding people more to your liking?
- consilient 4y ago
  > Rebuilding trust when I’m surrounded by what I equate to vipers isn’t a matter of finding someone good. So stop surrounding yourself with vipers. The C-suite isn't "real life", it's one very narrow and very highly selected slice of it. If you want to avoid ruthless social climbers, almost any other environment would be a better bet.
- dwaltrip 4y ago
  Find a good therapist. They can help you with this. And get new friends, people who treat other people well.

koonsolo 4y ago

> lost trust in the goodwill of women Where is your goodwill? Are you just sleeping around with women or do you want to find a partner, settle down and start a family? Most women want that. So why would you question the goodwill of women when you don't have it yourself? Sounds a lot like projecting your own issues onto others. > My (few) sexual partners couldn’t get enough Enough of what? Did they want a serious relationship and you didn't? Well there you go then. I don't know you, so there is of course a chance that I'm wrong. But it sounds you don't want to have a serious relationship and start a family. And then you project this onto "the goodwill of women".

bmn__ 4y ago

You seem to have come to learn that reality is different than what you were told in your upbringing. A therapist can help you come to grips with accepting the uncomfortable truth (like: humans are shallow, humans follow mating strategies founded in intrinsic, often immutable, qualities over personal development, etc.) without externalising it negatively, e.g. misogyny. Maybe you will come to reevaluate assumptions, realise that this slice of human behaviour is just like nature made us, and the instincts chiefly drive our behaviour here and feelings like respect or honour are simply misplaced and part of the previously lived illusion.

lordfrito 4y ago

I call this the Tiger Woods problem... why throw it all away for flings with pornstars? Basically no one loves 'him', just his image and brand. I'm no Tiger Woods, but here's my 2 cents in case it helps you at all. I'm pretty much where you are... as I've gotten older and more successful I've become a more attractive package, but I've learned more and more that women aren't into 'me' at all... just what I have. Over time this has hurt me and I now have major trust issues with women. I recently took several years off from dating. Told myself I'd meet people organically in and around town. I wasn't looking to date, wasn't looking for hookups, just looking to get to know someone and do activities with them and see if we could act as friends. Asking myself: can I even be friends with a women? I should add I live on a lake, so there's a lot of "lake life" around here, lots of people to meet and have fun with, especially in the summer. I've pretty much learned that just being friends with women and not sleeping with them doesn't change much of the equation. Women can still "smell" the success on me, and stick close largely because they are either 1) using me to have fun with my money/toys or 2) biding their time looking for an eventual in, or some combination of the two. Overall I don't feel the majority of these women were good friends, or treated 'me' particularly well. I was a means to an end for them. You think point #2 above (biding time) would be ok, but the reality is that these women got jealous etc even though there was no relationship between us (no sex, no affection etc). They acted as if they deserved some sort of claim on me, which of course was ridiculous as I wasn't taking anything from them other than their time. In some ways I think "just friends" messes with a woman's mind. Long story short, because I wasn't seeking sex or anything it left me strangely feeling more used overall, as there was nothing I was taking in return for giving them access to my life/money/etc. I was giving the same, but getting less. They were still playing the game and trying to get things out of me, everything but getting to know or invest in the real 'me'. I've come to the conclusion that men and women really can't be friends at all (at least, not when you're trying to find and build a real relationship). Since that experiment, I started dating again, and can honestly say the gold diggers have gotten more numerous and more brazen. So what I do now to protect myself - make a quick decision as to whether or not I see any long term potential in the person, the sooner the better. Drop them the moment your gut says no long term here. I don't want my time wasted, or theirs. - I'm no longer sleeping with women until I've made a decision that there might be potential in the relationship (some ability to build trust). Easier to gauge long term potential without sex in the way (sex seemingly fast-forwards intimacy, but in a fake way). I can say it's been successful. I met a woman who comes from a similar place in life (successful, but with trust issues) and so neither of us needs anything from each other except the ability to build a trusting relationship. The word caliber comes to mind. If you're successful, you need to find women that match your caliber. Some form of success (doesn't have to be career or monetary) indicating they can meet you where you are. Lastly, I miss the ability to trust. I often miss the love I had for my unhealthy first wife, because even though she was terrible for me, she loved me when I didn't have two cents to rub together. I never doubted she loved 'me' as a person, not what I had. Hoping to get this back someday. Good luck to you