4 ms·

In the autism community we call this "masking" and it is not the least bit surprising to read this. I did not begin to learn I had anxiety or autism until I was

In the autism community we call this "masking" and it is not the least bit surprising to read this. I did not begin to learn I had anxiety or autism until I was 30 years old, and it's because the world trained me to hide away those parts of myself. I did not realize I was masking for most of my life -- most do not since it's the only way they've ever lived -- but it is enormously taxing to be around people. Everyone seems to be communicating over a different protocol than you in such a natural way. But you have to study it, prepare for it, and then run an emulation layer in realtime, all to appear normal and natural. This leaves less brainpower for other things and leads to mental exhaustion very quickly. I recently heard it described as never being able to speak your mother tongue. If you would like to read more about my experiences I wrote them down in an essay form [1]. I'd also recommend the Dave's Garage YouTube channel, by ex-Microsoft engineer Dave Plummer. [2] He does a great job of pitching autism as less a disorder and more an evolutionarily necessary mutation for the odd person here or there to have. I'm very glad these studies are being done and I commend them. I also wish there were a bit of focus on adults with autism, who are often left out of the picture. [1]: https://twos.dev/autism.html https://twos.dev/autism.html [2]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ9X5DSnVms https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ9X5DSnVms

itronitron 4y ago
Everyone does this, except maybe narcissists, sociopaths, and people on drugs.
- beepbooptheory 4y ago
  I think maybe you can affirm this point without losing sight of the particularity of how it manifests for this population. Or really, maybe its ok to not say anything at all here about something maybe you don't have epistemic access to?
  - itronitron 4y ago
    I would stay out of it except that the studies are starting to claim that people are autistic because they are suppressing (or not displaying) behaviors that have been categorized as autistic.
    - beepbooptheory 4y ago
      What is the particular worry of false positives/over-diagnosis in this sense?
      - itronitron 4y ago
        I consider it inappropriate to label a person's response to a social situation they find uncomfortable as being caused by a disability.
        torial 4y ago
        Hopefully there is more going on than the article says (hoping this article like any other isn't good at the scientific details). DSM criteria for autism - requires 3 specific social characteristics and then a bunch of repetitive/restrictive characteristics: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html Of course that doesn't stop people from misusing (whether "You're not autistic" to "You must be autistic").
- glacials 4y ago
  It's a matter of degree. You can feel sad but that doesn't mean you understand depression. You can get nervous but that doesn't mean you understand anxiety. You can have back pain but that doesn't mean you understand what it's like to break your back.
cpuguy83 4y ago
Thanks for this. It helps a lot to know other people experience this kind of stealth anxiety you don't even realize is there.
CitizenKane 4y ago
Thank you for posting these links and for sharing your experience. Another autistic person here and just wanted to leave this comment here for anyone that might find it helpful (and don’t want to imply this is for you specifically either!). Masking was incredibly detrimental for me. In fact I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Once I realized I was autistic (at the tender age of 31) I decided to stop doing so whatever the cost may be. To my surprise, embracing my autistic qualities and understanding them has changed my life completely. I’m far more social now, and I realized that trying to be social like neurotypical folks is basically impossible if you’re autistic. However, being social like an autistic person is incredibly rewarding. Many people tell me they don’t even realize I’m any different, even though I’ve gotten there not by trying to be the same but by being more authentically myself. It has been a long road (I’m 36 now), and while it has been difficult I can say that has been beyond worthwhile. We have beautiful things to share with our fellow humans, even though I think those things scare some folks. If you’re like me from a few years back, don’t give up. We are our own greatest critics which is a double edged sword. You’re better than you know, and before you know it things will change in ways that are difficult to imagine. Quick PS edit: apologies for grammar or words that are out of place. I’m on my phone and my fingers are seriously fat
- ok_dad 4y ago
  > However, being social like an autistic person is incredibly rewarding. Can you explain this? I'm probably autistic-- my son was diagnosed and from my and my wife's research I am clearly autistic but haven't been diagnosed-- and I don't understand how I would start to try and do less "masking". I don't even really understand that, myself, because I'm in my 40's and just started learning about this stuff, so to me, "masking" is just who I am to other people.
  - CitizenKane 4y ago
    At some level we always have a mask, a persona that we present to others. I think where the the problems come in is when that persona doesn’t align with our underlying reality. I don’t think there is any one right way to go about this. Try and find the interests that make you feel fulfilled and find other who share those interests. Take time away from others in ways that make you smile. Find ways to dive into your soul whatever those may be. In my experience, it’s a winding path and it’s unique to each person. There may be hints of things for you. Things that you have been drawn to, hobbies that fell by the wayside, or things that feel particularly “stimmy”. Wherever there is a hint of a loose thread that could be something, pull on it and see what happens. I think through doing these things you will find friends, perhaps in the most unexpected places. And bit by bit, the feeling of otherness and isolation drops away. At least that has been my experience.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
_yb2s 4y ago
I very much experience all of those things you mentioned, especially the masking and hearing hypersensitivity, but I guess I thought these were "normal" experiences... or more accurately, I never considered that not everyone might not experience life like that. Doesn't everyone get really bothered by noises sometimes? Isn't everyone putting out a lot of effort to interact with others well? I don't know. I am regarded as friendly, and having good social skills, but that took tons of practice and study. For example, people mention that I make great eye contact, am confident, and a good listener. But I never made eye contact with others until I was 15, when I read about the importance of it in a book, and suddenly realized it was a thing other people did. I started trying it out, but find it hard to guess how much is appropriate... and doing it too much apparently seems like I'm very confident, but actually I just don't know what to do exactly. I'm late 30s, and my son was recently diagnosed with autism after having a lot of conflicts at school, and getting kicked out of a lot of schools. I didn't expect this because he seems "normal" to me. Any advice on next steps? Is it worth learning more about this or doing anything about it, and if so, what?
- isodude 4y ago
  In a word, yes! Here's some links for you. Maybe there's schools around where you live that have a more student centric way of teaching. Smalls schools may fare better than larger ones etc. I find that talking a lot about things that happen with friends etc help, why are people so wierd and so on. Like you said yourself, it wasn't until you read it in a book.. + https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Low_arousal_approach https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Low_arousal_approach + https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3ABo+Hejlskov+Elv%C3%A9n&s=relevancerank&text=Bo+Hejlskov+Elv%C3%A9n&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1 https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3ABo+Hejlskov+...
  - _yb2s 4y ago
    Thank you, I ordered some of the books you linked!
    - isodude 4y ago
      Nice! I have more links but those will have you reading for a bit :) Also, do not forget that there are loads of people both online and offline that are able to help. Connect with other parents in neighborhood that have the same situation, the office that diagnosed your son should be able to help, there tend to be groups that you can join, and "educations".

itronitron 4y ago

Everyone does this, except maybe narcissists, sociopaths, and people on drugs.

beepbooptheory 4y ago
I think maybe you can affirm this point without losing sight of the particularity of how it manifests for this population. Or really, maybe its ok to not say anything at all here about something maybe you don't have epistemic access to?
- itronitron 4y ago
  I would stay out of it except that the studies are starting to claim that people are autistic because they are suppressing (or not displaying) behaviors that have been categorized as autistic.
  - beepbooptheory 4y ago
    What is the particular worry of false positives/over-diagnosis in this sense?
    - itronitron 4y ago
      I consider it inappropriate to label a person's response to a social situation they find uncomfortable as being caused by a disability.
      - torial 4y ago
        Hopefully there is more going on than the article says (hoping this article like any other isn't good at the scientific details). DSM criteria for autism - requires 3 specific social characteristics and then a bunch of repetitive/restrictive characteristics: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html Of course that doesn't stop people from misusing (whether "You're not autistic" to "You must be autistic").
glacials 4y ago
It's a matter of degree. You can feel sad but that doesn't mean you understand depression. You can get nervous but that doesn't mean you understand anxiety. You can have back pain but that doesn't mean you understand what it's like to break your back.

cpuguy83 4y ago

Thanks for this. It helps a lot to know other people experience this kind of stealth anxiety you don't even realize is there.

CitizenKane 4y ago

Thank you for posting these links and for sharing your experience. Another autistic person here and just wanted to leave this comment here for anyone that might find it helpful (and don’t want to imply this is for you specifically either!). Masking was incredibly detrimental for me. In fact I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Once I realized I was autistic (at the tender age of 31) I decided to stop doing so whatever the cost may be. To my surprise, embracing my autistic qualities and understanding them has changed my life completely. I’m far more social now, and I realized that trying to be social like neurotypical folks is basically impossible if you’re autistic. However, being social like an autistic person is incredibly rewarding. Many people tell me they don’t even realize I’m any different, even though I’ve gotten there not by trying to be the same but by being more authentically myself. It has been a long road (I’m 36 now), and while it has been difficult I can say that has been beyond worthwhile. We have beautiful things to share with our fellow humans, even though I think those things scare some folks. If you’re like me from a few years back, don’t give up. We are our own greatest critics which is a double edged sword. You’re better than you know, and before you know it things will change in ways that are difficult to imagine. Quick PS edit: apologies for grammar or words that are out of place. I’m on my phone and my fingers are seriously fat

ok_dad 4y ago
> However, being social like an autistic person is incredibly rewarding. Can you explain this? I'm probably autistic-- my son was diagnosed and from my and my wife's research I am clearly autistic but haven't been diagnosed-- and I don't understand how I would start to try and do less "masking". I don't even really understand that, myself, because I'm in my 40's and just started learning about this stuff, so to me, "masking" is just who I am to other people.
- CitizenKane 4y ago
  At some level we always have a mask, a persona that we present to others. I think where the the problems come in is when that persona doesn’t align with our underlying reality. I don’t think there is any one right way to go about this. Try and find the interests that make you feel fulfilled and find other who share those interests. Take time away from others in ways that make you smile. Find ways to dive into your soul whatever those may be. In my experience, it’s a winding path and it’s unique to each person. There may be hints of things for you. Things that you have been drawn to, hobbies that fell by the wayside, or things that feel particularly “stimmy”. Wherever there is a hint of a loose thread that could be something, pull on it and see what happens. I think through doing these things you will find friends, perhaps in the most unexpected places. And bit by bit, the feeling of otherness and isolation drops away. At least that has been my experience.

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

_yb2s 4y ago

I very much experience all of those things you mentioned, especially the masking and hearing hypersensitivity, but I guess I thought these were "normal" experiences... or more accurately, I never considered that not everyone might not experience life like that. Doesn't everyone get really bothered by noises sometimes? Isn't everyone putting out a lot of effort to interact with others well? I don't know. I am regarded as friendly, and having good social skills, but that took tons of practice and study. For example, people mention that I make great eye contact, am confident, and a good listener. But I never made eye contact with others until I was 15, when I read about the importance of it in a book, and suddenly realized it was a thing other people did. I started trying it out, but find it hard to guess how much is appropriate... and doing it too much apparently seems like I'm very confident, but actually I just don't know what to do exactly. I'm late 30s, and my son was recently diagnosed with autism after having a lot of conflicts at school, and getting kicked out of a lot of schools. I didn't expect this because he seems "normal" to me. Any advice on next steps? Is it worth learning more about this or doing anything about it, and if so, what?

isodude 4y ago
In a word, yes! Here's some links for you. Maybe there's schools around where you live that have a more student centric way of teaching. Smalls schools may fare better than larger ones etc. I find that talking a lot about things that happen with friends etc help, why are people so wierd and so on. Like you said yourself, it wasn't until you read it in a book.. + https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Low_arousal_approach https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Low_arousal_approach + https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3ABo+Hejlskov+Elv%C3%A9n&s=relevancerank&text=Bo+Hejlskov+Elv%C3%A9n&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1 https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3ABo+Hejlskov+...
- _yb2s 4y ago
  Thank you, I ordered some of the books you linked!
  - isodude 4y ago
    Nice! I have more links but those will have you reading for a bit :) Also, do not forget that there are loads of people both online and offline that are able to help. Connect with other parents in neighborhood that have the same situation, the office that diagnosed your son should be able to help, there tend to be groups that you can join, and "educations".