7 ms·

> Making friends as an adult is hard. Pick a social hobby. Pick up sports, hiking / running / reading / trivia / sports groups. Take a class. Take up a cause

> Making friends as an adult is hard. Pick a social hobby. Pick up sports, hiking / running / reading / trivia / sports groups. Take a class. Take up a cause - volunteer your time at the local farm, shelter, political office.. Kids don't go to school with the goal of making friends. The friends are a byproduct.

nprateem 4y ago
Yes a byproduct of consistently spending time with the same people.
Gigachad 4y ago
I’d argue the socialisation is just as important as the formal education.
mustini 4y ago
This is very easy advice to give and oft repeated, but I’m deeply skeptical that this is something that works for most people (unless we substitute friends with acquaintances).
- scrollaway 4y ago
  It’s often repeated because a lot of people make friends this way. My board game buddies are my closest real life friends, and I met them exactly like this. However people do need to accept that not everyone makes friends the same way.
  - mustini 4y ago
    Maybe the more interesting question is what does it take for this to work? I’m just going anecdotal here from college friends that have dispersed across the US. Warm intros, so to speak, help. If you join a running group attended by a friend of a friend it seems to stick better than joining when you know absolutely no one. Public transit helps. It’s hard to be consistent when going to the activity requires slogging through traffic. And lastly, an activity that encourages repeated regular attendance. Hiking is an activity that is super flaky attendance compared to say training for a triathlon with a specific event day.
    - scrollaway 4y ago
      In my experience the reason board games work great is because you are forced to interact, understand the people, you play better when you figure out how they think etc. It forces you to create a rapport. You inevitably find out when you have chemistry with someone and want to play more with them. Most people meeting over other activities I believe have similar stories. Dancing for example, or other group sports.
    - djtango 4y ago
      Shared experiences are key. If you've ever been on a tour with randos you'll know. You will form friendships with all kinds of people you never would have expected to back home. I've made some very good friends since leaving university. The simplest thing to do is to start with something YOU enjoy. Food, sports, music, pottery, knitting, boardgames even coding (gasp but that's our work). If you have a passion and you want to be there, and so do the other people - the odds are in your favour that you'll get along.
- autoexec 4y ago
  > unless we substitute friends with acquaintances Isn't that the case for 'work friends' too? The people we never see or hear from again the moment they get a good offer at some other company or we ourselves move on to other roles? There will be exceptions of course, people you meet at work who you actually form real meaningful connections with, but there will also be exceptions for the people you meet while volunteering, or while playing a sport. Either way, most of the people in our lives are strangers or acquaintances.
- mattgreenrocks 4y ago
  Worked fine for me. Made new friend groups at a local club, and two churches. I keep up with most everyone who was more than acquaintance still. You have to get out there. The Internet is not a great place to form solid human relationships.
- jtode 4y ago
  My best friends are people I met on Kijiji - we joined bands together. Bonds form from mutual struggle.
- StanislavPetrov 4y ago
  Have you tried it? In my experience you are much more likely to make friends who voluntarily get together for a shared recreational experience than at a workplace where you are required to be. Try joining a bowling team. You'd be amazed at how much hanging out with the same group of people for four hours a week, every week, and having a few beers and laughs with them while you bowl can be to striking up a friendship (or three).
- potta_coffee 4y ago
  I've made a bunch of friends through Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes. I'm a somewhat awkward programmer dude who has a hard time making friends.
9530jh9054ven 4y ago
So what happens when you have no interests, no hobbies, no cause? And for those that do, but lack the time or financial resources to persue them? What then?
- chii 4y ago
  if you lack financial resources, that's the problem to tackle. Making friends and having leisure activities will be secondary until your financials become stable and good. Once you have the financial resources, _then_ you tackle the problem of no interest/hobbies/causes issue - which, i say is relatively easy to tackle as long as you have money; try different things until something sticks!
  - 9530jh9054ven 4y ago
    Slight miscommunication here. I'm talking about someone that genuinely has absolutely no interests whatsoever. Even after trying skiing, bowling, hiking, just about every time sport, reading, music in all forms, performance arts, painting, board games, table top games, video games, travel, etc. And everything is dull, boring, uninteresting, and unejoyable. That's the kind of person I'm talking about
    - chii 4y ago
      In that case, this person might actually have a medical condition of some sort. Humans tend to be curious and that curiosity is manifested as an interest in something. Either they have not tried everything, or they have imbalances or an illness that makes them feel this way. If this is true, there should be no shame in visiting a doctor or therapist of some sort. Otherwise, depression would set in sooner or later and get worse.
    - stumblindrunk 4y ago
      This person is likely suffering from a mental illness. Start there.
- StanislavPetrov 4y ago
nunez 4y ago
As someone who organized two very large social groups on Meetup in NYC, let's delve into your suggestions a bit more. > Pick a social hobby. Pick up sports, hiking / running / reading / trivia / sports groups. It is very hard to pick up a new hobby as an adult. By 30, most adults (in the US; earlier outside of the US) will have real full-time job responsibilities, a significant other and a few children. Since the children will be young and will need almost all of your time and attention, that leaves little time for anything else. Families with access to parenting groups will likely be living in bigger cities with high-enough density to support that. This also assumes that you have enough free time/money to participate in these activities (unlikely if you just spent most of your free capital on the house that you just bought because houses are at an all-time high now...). Many new families are living in HOA-run communities that are wholly designed to be traveled by car, in towns that are also designed to be traveled by car, because you'll likely be commuting to work and back...by car. Taking your kids on a walk to the grocery store that's 15 minutes away and seeing lots of people on your path isn't possible in these towns. Instead, you're driving four minutes to a huge supermarket where you'll run into families who are also rushing to pick up their groceries because time is scarce, and then driving right back. Can you interact with neighbors and enjoy community in this environment? Sure! If you like your two or four neighbors in your surrounding area, and if they aren't filthy renters like me who aren't in it for the short-term. (Rentals are also increasing...because houses are at an all-time high and life happens...) If you're childfree and live in a large city, then, sure, tons of opportunities to make new friends. Unless you're a lawyer working 100+ hrs/week or a SWE grinding at a startup that just hit PMF and is hyperscaling. Or you suck at breaking through cliques. (Lots of people suck at this; myself included. Don't feel bad! Most people make most of their lifelong friends in grade school or church, as a youth, so most times, you're trying to shoehorn yourself into a group that has developed decades of direct and indirect ways of communicating and interacting with each other.). > Take a class. > Take up a cause - volunteer your time at the local farm, shelter, political office.. This is actually good advice, but, again, time is scarce for many people. This is more or less like saying "wanna lose weight? just eat less!" Not invalid, but also not helpful and very dismissive of people needing different things. > Kids don't go to school with the goal of making friends. The friends are a byproduct. ...of being in an enclosed environment with other humans for eight hours a day, doing things they might or might not want to do. Kind of like work actually... Let's be clear. I'm not saying that it's impossible to make friends as an adult. I've done it, and I've met tons of people that have done it! I'm just saying that it's significantly easier to make friends at work. More importantly, it is a lot easier to foster a culture and a work community in the office.
AnIdiotOnTheNet 4y ago
I have done all of these things and cannot recall making a friend from any of them. Perhaps my definition of "friend" is stricter than others. I differentiate between friends and acquaintances and a lot of people don't seem to. But I think the more obvious answer is just that some people, like me, have a lot of difficulty connecting to other people. No amount of going to a gym will help that.

nprateem 4y ago

Yes a byproduct of consistently spending time with the same people.

Gigachad 4y ago

I’d argue the socialisation is just as important as the formal education.

mustini 4y ago

This is very easy advice to give and oft repeated, but I’m deeply skeptical that this is something that works for most people (unless we substitute friends with acquaintances).

scrollaway 4y ago
It’s often repeated because a lot of people make friends this way. My board game buddies are my closest real life friends, and I met them exactly like this. However people do need to accept that not everyone makes friends the same way.
- mustini 4y ago
  Maybe the more interesting question is what does it take for this to work? I’m just going anecdotal here from college friends that have dispersed across the US. Warm intros, so to speak, help. If you join a running group attended by a friend of a friend it seems to stick better than joining when you know absolutely no one. Public transit helps. It’s hard to be consistent when going to the activity requires slogging through traffic. And lastly, an activity that encourages repeated regular attendance. Hiking is an activity that is super flaky attendance compared to say training for a triathlon with a specific event day.
  - scrollaway 4y ago
    In my experience the reason board games work great is because you are forced to interact, understand the people, you play better when you figure out how they think etc. It forces you to create a rapport. You inevitably find out when you have chemistry with someone and want to play more with them. Most people meeting over other activities I believe have similar stories. Dancing for example, or other group sports.
  - djtango 4y ago
    Shared experiences are key. If you've ever been on a tour with randos you'll know. You will form friendships with all kinds of people you never would have expected to back home. I've made some very good friends since leaving university. The simplest thing to do is to start with something YOU enjoy. Food, sports, music, pottery, knitting, boardgames even coding (gasp but that's our work). If you have a passion and you want to be there, and so do the other people - the odds are in your favour that you'll get along.
autoexec 4y ago
> unless we substitute friends with acquaintances Isn't that the case for 'work friends' too? The people we never see or hear from again the moment they get a good offer at some other company or we ourselves move on to other roles? There will be exceptions of course, people you meet at work who you actually form real meaningful connections with, but there will also be exceptions for the people you meet while volunteering, or while playing a sport. Either way, most of the people in our lives are strangers or acquaintances.
mattgreenrocks 4y ago
Worked fine for me. Made new friend groups at a local club, and two churches. I keep up with most everyone who was more than acquaintance still. You have to get out there. The Internet is not a great place to form solid human relationships.
jtode 4y ago
My best friends are people I met on Kijiji - we joined bands together. Bonds form from mutual struggle.
StanislavPetrov 4y ago
Have you tried it? In my experience you are much more likely to make friends who voluntarily get together for a shared recreational experience than at a workplace where you are required to be. Try joining a bowling team. You'd be amazed at how much hanging out with the same group of people for four hours a week, every week, and having a few beers and laughs with them while you bowl can be to striking up a friendship (or three).
potta_coffee 4y ago
I've made a bunch of friends through Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes. I'm a somewhat awkward programmer dude who has a hard time making friends.

9530jh9054ven 4y ago

So what happens when you have no interests, no hobbies, no cause? And for those that do, but lack the time or financial resources to persue them? What then?

chii 4y ago
if you lack financial resources, that's the problem to tackle. Making friends and having leisure activities will be secondary until your financials become stable and good. Once you have the financial resources, _then_ you tackle the problem of no interest/hobbies/causes issue - which, i say is relatively easy to tackle as long as you have money; try different things until something sticks!
- 9530jh9054ven 4y ago
  Slight miscommunication here. I'm talking about someone that genuinely has absolutely no interests whatsoever. Even after trying skiing, bowling, hiking, just about every time sport, reading, music in all forms, performance arts, painting, board games, table top games, video games, travel, etc. And everything is dull, boring, uninteresting, and unejoyable. That's the kind of person I'm talking about
  - chii 4y ago
    In that case, this person might actually have a medical condition of some sort. Humans tend to be curious and that curiosity is manifested as an interest in something. Either they have not tried everything, or they have imbalances or an illness that makes them feel this way. If this is true, there should be no shame in visiting a doctor or therapist of some sort. Otherwise, depression would set in sooner or later and get worse.
  - stumblindrunk 4y ago
    This person is likely suffering from a mental illness. Start there.
StanislavPetrov 4y ago

nunez 4y ago

As someone who organized two very large social groups on Meetup in NYC, let's delve into your suggestions a bit more. > Pick a social hobby. Pick up sports, hiking / running / reading / trivia / sports groups. It is very hard to pick up a new hobby as an adult. By 30, most adults (in the US; earlier outside of the US) will have real full-time job responsibilities, a significant other and a few children. Since the children will be young and will need almost all of your time and attention, that leaves little time for anything else. Families with access to parenting groups will likely be living in bigger cities with high-enough density to support that. This also assumes that you have enough free time/money to participate in these activities (unlikely if you just spent most of your free capital on the house that you just bought because houses are at an all-time high now...). Many new families are living in HOA-run communities that are wholly designed to be traveled by car, in towns that are also designed to be traveled by car, because you'll likely be commuting to work and back...by car. Taking your kids on a walk to the grocery store that's 15 minutes away and seeing lots of people on your path isn't possible in these towns. Instead, you're driving four minutes to a huge supermarket where you'll run into families who are also rushing to pick up their groceries because time is scarce, and then driving right back. Can you interact with neighbors and enjoy community in this environment? Sure! If you like your two or four neighbors in your surrounding area, and if they aren't filthy renters like me who aren't in it for the short-term. (Rentals are also increasing...because houses are at an all-time high and life happens...) If you're childfree and live in a large city, then, sure, tons of opportunities to make new friends. Unless you're a lawyer working 100+ hrs/week or a SWE grinding at a startup that just hit PMF and is hyperscaling. Or you suck at breaking through cliques. (Lots of people suck at this; myself included. Don't feel bad! Most people make most of their lifelong friends in grade school or church, as a youth, so most times, you're trying to shoehorn yourself into a group that has developed decades of direct and indirect ways of communicating and interacting with each other.). > Take a class. > Take up a cause - volunteer your time at the local farm, shelter, political office.. This is actually good advice, but, again, time is scarce for many people. This is more or less like saying "wanna lose weight? just eat less!" Not invalid, but also not helpful and very dismissive of people needing different things. > Kids don't go to school with the goal of making friends. The friends are a byproduct. ...of being in an enclosed environment with other humans for eight hours a day, doing things they might or might not want to do. Kind of like work actually... Let's be clear. I'm not saying that it's impossible to make friends as an adult. I've done it, and I've met tons of people that have done it! I'm just saying that it's significantly easier to make friends at work. More importantly, it is a lot easier to foster a culture and a work community in the office.

AnIdiotOnTheNet 4y ago

I have done all of these things and cannot recall making a friend from any of them. Perhaps my definition of "friend" is stricter than others. I differentiate between friends and acquaintances and a lot of people don't seem to. But I think the more obvious answer is just that some people, like me, have a lot of difficulty connecting to other people. No amount of going to a gym will help that.