23 ms·
Everything You Can’t Have
- toto444 4y agoI have found that instead of wanting things I don't own, wanting to see created things I haven't created yet very liberating. Since it makes my goals very personal, I can't compare myself on an objective metric with other people and as a result feel less frustrated about not earning more.
- amelius 4y agoHow do you trick your brain into this? How do you ignore friends who buy a new car every year?
- antisceptic 4y agoI'd imagine a healthier version of something like: "Simpletons, relying on consumerism for their dopamine rush, they're no different from ants! Meanwhile I am a /creator/ of things!"
- amelius 4y agoYou can't hide in that idea because back in the real world, your friends receive all the love and admiration for owning great things (something like status), while you get a tap on the shoulder.
- speedgoose 4y agoWe may live in different worlds. I don’t know anyone who buys a new car every year and if one starts to do so I will feel sorry about their poor financial judgment.
- tmshu1 4y agoDo you actually want love and admiration? What if magically, you got the same love and admiration tomorrow?
- Waterluvian 4y agoNot “the real world” but rather your perception of the world. “The real world” implies that it’s the same thing you describe for everyone. It is definitely bot.
- toto444 4y agoI'd say my version does not include comparison to others. I actually wish more people try their best to create great things even if what their creations are much better than mine. My version would be more like : "Owning a car is very circumstantial. It means you temporarily have some property right on it. It can break, it can be taken away from you. If you create something it's yours forever. Its existence is not independant of your will.". At the end of their lives some people will have owned ten cars, others will have written ten books.
- drbig 4y ago> How do you ignore friends who buy a new car every year? No need to ignore anything. Instead realize that everyone on this planet has exactly the same amount of hours in a day - the poorest and the richest alike. With that understood realize that you can only spend your time on so _few_ things that you better choose what's really important to you. And thus one may choose to spend time on projects and making stuff, and "friends who buy a new car every year" are simply people that chose differently - there is little point to ordering the choices (or conversely you can always design a metric by which any given choice will be strictly superior to others - thus making such orderings generally pointless). And in terms of money and even its power to buy time - it's all diminishing results surprisingly quickly. And if you like cars then indeed switching every year sounds like a much better strategy than owning many at the same time. To each their own. Would be extremely dull otherwise!
- petercooper 4y agoI think it depends on what the car represents to you. Are you truly into cars or are you into the status conferred by owning a new car? If you're genuinely into cars and driving, you might well indulge in buying nice cars and find it emotionally fulfilling. If it's about status, however, you can probably find more fulfilling ways to attain status that doesn't involve purchasing a trinket you don't truly want or need – perhaps by becoming known in the local area as a donor/philanthropist, having the best garden on the street, involvement in local politics or sports teams, being in a band, becoming a busybody on the PTA, and such things. (I admit these things all sound a bit suburban but that's my frame of reference.)
- ericmcer 4y agoI don’t ignore them I usually view them as someone whose priorities don’t align with mine. Money is freedom and trading that freedom to get a shiny toy doesn’t make sense to me. I would much rather know I can work on what I want or not work at all than drive to my job in a nicer car.
- hef19898 4y agoThe most valuable thing money buys you is first security, directly followed by freedom. I would never trade that freedom in for some shiny toy, or trinket. Or something to impress other people with. If it is something I truely enjoy, and can afford comfortably sure. But then is much more about the experience than it is about the thing. And if people judge you as person based on the car you have, the clothes you wear or the appartment / house you live in, well, maybe ignoring those people actually is a healthy thing to do.
- BizarreByte 4y agoSome of us don’t have to trick ourselves. I own a modest house and modest car, they fit into my budget and put me so far ahead of my peers financially people don’t believe me when I say how good things are. A car especially is just a tool, I care as much about someone’s car as I do the hammer in their toolbox, but I am not a car person. It comes down to what you value. Stability, time, and financial freedom matter more to me than any fancy thing I could buy.
- etothepii 4y agoThe ultimate luxuries are time and freedom. I'm jealous of those with more of these but not those with a bigger house or car.
- BizarreByte 4y ago> The ultimate luxuries are time and freedom. They definitely are, which is why I forego things that take them away from me. No children or dogs in my future.
- barelyauser 4y ago> How do you ignore friends who buy a new car every year? The fact you notice and thinks about it means you care. You want a new car every year. You envy it. Be honest to yourself and go get it. That is what you want.
- tmshu1 4y agoWhat stops you from just ignoring them?
- amelius 4y agoAre you suggesting to ignore friends/family? What if they offer you a car ride, and start bragging about their car? Not just once, but over and over. And they have a Bentley, and you have a second hand Toyota? How are serious mind tricks not necessary here to keep your sanity?
- mantas 4y agoWhat's the problem? Tell the truth that it is indeed a nice car. If you have sanity issues because you ain't driving the nicest car in town... Maybe that's the core issue? Why do you place so much importance on having the nicest car? Vast majority of people do not give a damn what others drive/wear/whatever.
- amelius 4y agoThe Bentley is a nice car. The problem is that, unless you are a Tibetan monk, it will make your Toyota look less nice.
- mantas 4y agoAnd Bugatti would make Bentley a not-so-nice car. But once you go off tarmac for your forest cabin, both cars will suck. You may enjoy your 2nd hand toyota, especially if it’s rav4, much more… All in all the only way to win this game is to not play.
- 0wis 4y agoPersonally, I have some tricks that seem to help. I force myself to come up with at least 3 things I am grateful for as part of my daily journaling. I started this some years ago and it really help to change your focus towards enjoying everything you already have access in modern society. Plus, learning about personal finance, investing and compounding made me think twice before spending. I end up valuing more financial freedom than incremental comfort/status upgrade.
- toto444 4y agoI can ask you the same question : How do you ignore friends who write a new book every year?
- tmshu1 4y agoSame. For me, the creational mindset led to a sense of freedom and excitement that the problem-solving mindset can never get close to. Problem-solving mindset: what problem do I need to solve? “Problems” will always arise life (due to other people, random events, our brain always wanting novelty, etc.), so this mindset is a reactive one that leads to anxiety and lack of direction. Creational mindset: what would I love to create? This mindset can seem harder to get at because of all the conditioning we’ve gotten from society and childhood. But all it takes is a simple perspective shift. It leads to more proactivity, and trust that you’ll be able to do whatever you need to do. All the secondary, tertiary, etc. questions about how get answered relatively easily when you’re clear about what you want to create.
- rippercushions 4y agoSpend money on experiences, not things: shows, concerts, meals, travel. Rarely if ever have I regretted spending money on one, and nobody can take them away from you later.
- skeeter2020 4y agoI mostly agree, but sometimes the THING (and the act of acquisition) is the experience. Example: I really like coffee table books. Reading them is enjoyable but finding them, seeing them and just owning them also makes me happy. I also think you should go farther than just the experience component and pair it with physical objects that keep the memories alive, vibrant and reliveable.
- boomboomsubban 4y agoMaybe I just have a shitty memory, but time has effectively taken those away without anyone's help.
- grugagag 4y agoIt’s all still part of who you are now. If you’re unhappy with yourself then maybe it was a waste.
- BizarreByte 4y agoMy memory sure can, stuff a decade ago might of well have not happened for all I can remember. I remember the basic stuff, but none of the details. Anyway I’ll add to this that you don’t have to like all experiences. I have tried to force myself to like travelling, but I’ve come to accept I just despise every aspect of it. Other people find it weird, but whatever.
- keymon-o 4y agoSame. I had plenty of so-called life worthy experiences, and nothing would make recommend that lifestyle to someone. To be happy or at least satisfied and content, it takes a lot of introspection and creativity on how to pursue what you really want, which is also rarely in a permanent state. This is often overlooked in favor of taking oversimplified life advices and time consuming setting of life goals
- jpttsn 4y agoA bunch of other rich people don’t know how to enjoy their stuff but you don’t have to fall in that trap. There is a “mindfulness” angle. Instead of taking it always for granted, pay attention and make time enjoy your stuff. Thoigh if you keep realizing the things you have worked hard for don’t end up making you happy, that might be hopeless.
- keymon-o 4y ago> There is a “mindfulness” angle. Instead of taking it always for granted, pay attention and make time enjoy your stuff. Being satisfied with what you have is what “poor” people (people who can’t have everything) do in order to be happy. What’s the benefit of being rich then?
- hef19898 4y agoMore freedom by virtue of having more money? Above a certain level of "enough" money, money becomes less and less important. Or it becomes an obsession, in which case more money takes away freedom. Falling into this trap is tragic if you ask me. And there will always be sometjing you want but cannot have, regardless how much money have. E.g. art, the Mona Lisa will never be up for sale. Or some other unique piece of art. Accepting that fact makes you a happier person, or at least doesn't hurt.
- xtiansimon 4y ago“Being satisfied…” is what you do to not go bananas—-to consume for the sake of consuming in a society structured around consumption for the sake of society…
- nicbou 4y agoThere is virtue in economy. - Consuming is usually bad for the environment, even if you're rich. Being satisfied conserves resources. - The work you devote to something gives it its value. I appreciate good food, good art, good engineering and good woodworking because I have repeatedly attempted them. If you just buy stuff without consideration, you rob yourself of a finer experience.
- 4y ago
- etothepii 4y agoI just don't see the car angle. It's an example people use but I don't see it. Sometimes I wish our car was a bit bigger because it would make our lives easier. Now I'm wealthy enough to buy a car from new, I do. But that's primarily for the hastle factor not the status.
- blfr 4y agoI cannot relate to joy of struggle for owning things. Maybe the times have changed and often more expensive things just aren't better (although nicer things still are usually more expensive) but while I feel a lot of pleasure from wearing proper clothes, using well-made tech, and living in a stylishly designed apartment, looking for them is almost always a chore I happily outsource to bloggers, HN (thank you!), or my girlfriend. With the one exception of ordering custom tailored clothes which feels like research.
- alexfromapex 4y agoYeah I think this is just another lie told by Capitalism to keep people satiated. Anyone who doesn't feel fulfillment with unlimited supplies of money just doesn't know themselves very well.
- cscurmudgeon 4y agoWhere exactly is this lie told and exactly who told it?
- riskpreneurship 4y agoMy grandparents and parents used to spout idioms like, "hard work is its own reward" as if they were inalienable truths. IMO it's baked in at a cultural level, at this point. Where did it come from? You could point to the harsh Puritan work ethic, or the myth of meritocracy, or the rivers of blood lurking in the US' past, but there's probably no single root cause.
- cscurmudgeon 4y ago> My grandparents and parents used to spout idioms like, "hard work is its own reward" as if they were inalienable truths. Are you grandparents representatives of capitalism? I am sure if you go to the most socialist or communist country out there, you will find grandparents saying the same thing. Source: me, I come from one such country.
- thesausageking 4y agoWhy do VCs write these kinds of generic, life advice columns?
- lo_zamoyski 4y agoFor the same reason some scientists make silly philosophical remarks: ultracrepidarianism[0]. [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sutor,_ne_ultra_crepidam https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sutor,_ne_ultra_crepidam
- cushychicken 4y agoSeems a bit harsh. Everyone has a lived existence. Everyone is trying to optimize their lived experience. Are you saying a person’s occupation should preclude them from asking “What’s the right way for me to live?”
- dougSF70 4y agoSurely if anyone is guilty of the dopamine rush of wanting the new thing its VCs...in that case perhaps this VC is giving himself advice in public.
- thesausageking 4y agoThat would explain a ton of VC blog posts.
- dougSF70 4y agoI should imagine the daily life of being a VC is pretty mundane, with the occassional burst of activity...smart people need an outlet so why not write that blog, make that podcast, go to Barry's Bootcamp.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- jehb 4y agoWhy did you write this comment? My intent in asking isn't just to be dismissive, but rather to point out that there are complex, overlapping reasons. It can be incredibly difficult to even pinpoint your own motivations, to say nothing of those of others. A simplistic answer might be "because they want to have their thoughts read by others." Beyond that could be altruism, a desire for notoriety, wanting to change behavior, or many other intermingled goals. Most likely, the author didn't even consider "why" but rather, like all of us, just felt an intrinsic need to be heard. See also: social media.
- throwaway98797 4y agostep one: think for yourself step two: fail at step one step three: devote your life to step one
- motohagiography 4y agoInvest money, take the satisfaction of investing in others and seeing them grow it, and reward people who invest their time to produce the things that really do take time, but don't confuse the symbols and their artifacts with the real. My hack around this was to recognize the only things that were valuable cost time. Fast way to do that was by recognizing the difference between the symbol or representation of something, and its real effect. As a symbol, money makes it it really easy to acquire other symbols, but that's all they are. Instead, get good at something, and even use some money to make opportunity (buy the time, your own or someone elses) to do it, but the more money you spend on them the less satisfying they are. An example is buying an expensive instrument to take beginner lessons, where learning on one can be so unsatisfying and humiliating relative to its symbolic value as to discourage you from pursuing it. The basic absurdity of culture is the belief that if you consume enough symbols of desire you eventually become one - and also perhaps that it is for the lack of those symbols that you are not normal or desirable. Symbols certainly help us negotiate the culture around us, but they are not the substrate or the real. A quant once told me that the ideal portfolio lets you both eat well and sleep well, but they come at a cost to each other, so good luck with managing, i.e. extracting value from - money. It's not a problem I have, or one that I particularly envy because I mainly value time, and index on sleeping well over eating well.
- lo_zamoyski 4y agoThis article reads like something from a conversation you might have with an overconfident plumber who had just read an article in "Popular Science". Or someone who lives by IFL Science. Or TED Talks. Maybe the author should read some old philosophy. Another way to interpret what's going on is that people often look for happiness in all the wrong places, or confuse pleasure with happiness. In this case, the author is describing people who believe acquisition leads to happiness. He is describing the thrill of the hunt, that anticipation of a reward that isn't there, followed by disappointment because some nebulous misplaced expectation isn't met. Happiness begins with virtue.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- pdimitar 4y agoRich people getting bored and unhappy is 200% on them and them only. I know of no less than 7 separate things I'd lose myself into -- all related to inventing stuff -- that I actually would be afraid if I'll be giving my wife enough attention. That's how active I would be if I didn't have to worry about a job and a salary. I know other people like myself as well, some more obsessed and downright hyperactive even. People lose themselves in material items and status. I want to buy stuff so I waste less time on things I don't enjoy -- washing machine is the perfect example. I want computers because I can program my ideas. I want an electronic workshop corner because I want to get into that and experiment. I want an air fryer because I have high cholesterol and want to experiment with healthier cooking. Many other good and valid examples exist. Don't lose yourself in material items. Status does not exist. Decouple your money-making scheme from other people perceiving you as having "status". Important thing is for the number in the bank to keep increasing, everything else is a distraction. As long as you're not harming people, kidnapping kids or raping anyone then by all means, go crazy getting rich by doing legal stuff. My observation from the 8 rich people I knew in my life is: they got lucky, they succeeded too quickly, they have ZERO direction in life, they have no clue what to do with their free time. They got miserable not even 2 years into it. To me they are weak and uninteresting people whose only impressive trait is that ONCE in their lifetime they managed to combine two and two together and called somebody at the right time (and these opportunities were more often than not created for them; they didn't initiate them). But of course, "pull the ladder after yourself" and all, we know it. They are weak and uninteresting but they don't want competition and they have the tools in their hands to ensure that's the case. It is how it is apparently. I'll fight to become rich as much as my personal limitations allow me and I am likely to fail but at least I won't ever complain about "having too much" or "the moment you have it it's no longer wanted". Meh. Get some imagination! --- Oh, and that article sounds like paid propaganda: "you actually don't want what you think you want, be happy with what you have". Oh yeah? Well I'll be happy if I work 20h a month for the same money as now. And healthier. I can't. Then bugger off because your article does not help with anything.
- plastic3169 4y agoYou are right it’s 100% on them to sort their life out. Like your 8 acquaintances I think most people are very unsuited for riches atleast until they adjust. Also almost all people think they themselves would be great managing that situation. It’s like imagining you will be great parent before you have kids. Or the famous quote, Everybody has a plan before they get punched in the mouth. Life change like that affects your whole life from there on 24/7. In a way you cannot actively decide how you will act. You will probably fall back to your inner default way of reacting to things, but your life is subtly changed. The things that were great passions when you always lacked time to properly get in to them might turn out to be just another job when you start doing them more. Holiday trip might mean nothing if your not having a break from anything. Ventures in easy mode without risk might feel stale. All consumption is pointless anyway. Maybe all tinkering is as well? Etc.
- borroka 4y agoThis is a misleading article that, with its mundane look at the world, tries to provide a "gotcha" that does not seem to exist except in the minds of someone who tries to find "gotchas" everywhere, as the author does. Do you want a new and better car? Actually, you don't want a Ferrari, you want dopamine. Do you feel attracted to someone younger, better looking, funnier, more interesting than your current partner? This is a trap. Well, I would love to have a Ferrari and I would love to be in the company of the best partner I can find. Call me a dopamine addict if you want. Although my experience is not necessarily generalizable, it may offer the perspective of someone who, through working in the tech industry, has gone from having little to having more. Having better things makes life more interesting, bigger, and reduces the likelihood of having annoying problems. On average, mind you, and that is how we should look at people's behavior (we should also look at variance, but that would require a longer commentary). We have all experienced the Gatsby syndrome, either personally or through other people. Having everything we want except one thing we obsessively desire, perhaps a woman or a man, a full head of hair, a few inches, the genuine appreciation of others, fewer years on our shoulders. It is the limiting factor of a chemical reaction. Does this make the possession of things irrelevant? No, it just tells us that they are bottlenecks, limiting factors, that can keep us from enjoying the material or the easy. But if you get rid of the obsession, you will find, as I did, that a 5-star hotel is better than a 2-star hotel, natural fabrics better than polyester, first class better than knees touching ears in economy, a Ferrari better than a 25-year-old Ford. Just lived experience.
- scns 4y agoMoney won't provide happiness, but it is more fun to cry in a cab than in the subway.
- borroka 4y agoMost (all?) of these topics need to be approached in terms of probabilities, not absolutes. More money makes it more likely to be happier, enjoy life more, or have fewer insurmountable problems. It is a truism. Now, after how much money we reach a plateau for the outcome being considered (happiness, the best care in case of illness, sending children to the best colleges, traveling the world in 80 days), whether there are trade-offs between the money obtained and the ways of obtaining the money are examples of topics that may be more interesting, and they are all context-dependent. But if someone wants to give me money as a gift and makes me choose between $10 million and $50 million, I choose $50 million. And I might have the temerity to ask if there is by any chance also the possibility of getting $100 million. And it is the same for all positive traits or qualities, which are, in fact, considered positive because they make it more likely to achieve the goal being talked about. Then we can discuss more interesting matters of trade-offs and let people like the author of the article enjoy a nap instead of offering the usual trivial contentions with his writings.
- lazyeye 4y agohttps://reddit.com/r/fatfire https://reddit.com/r/fatfire
- kristianp 4y agoI thought this would be something about burning the fat capitalist pigs.
- kstenerud 4y ago> A few years after leaving office, Richard Nixon mentioned that the richest people in the world are some of the unhappiest, because they can afford to never struggle. Except for those who choose a cause. Bill Gates comes to mind. > You feel that, gee, isn’t it just great to have enough money to afford to live in a very nice house, to be able to play golf, to have nice parties, to wear good clothes, to travel if you want to? If that's the vacuous extent of your life, the problem doesn't lie with the money. > Something you can easily afford brings less joy than something you must save and struggle for. “The man who can buy anything he covets values nothing that he buys,” Dawson wrote. Except that it's not true. I was easily able to afford the air fryer that I bought two years ago. Every single time I use it, I'm amazed at how easy it makes preparing certain meals, and I am thankful to the friend who recommended it. Every single thing I buy is carefully thought out (sometimes over months) to improve a specific part of my life. And every single thing I own is valued because it has a specific purpose. Dawson may have thought he'd stumbled upon some great wisdom, but all he was actually doing was looking in a mirror. > Your brain doesn’t want stuff. It doesn’t even want new stuff. It wants to engage in the process and anticipation of getting new stuff. Uhh wuuuuut? That's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard. What's the point in getting "stuff" over and over? You're not going to have any use for it. > When you get a $10,000 car you dream of the 20,000 car. Uhh no. I have a $5000 car and have absolutely no desire to buy another one until this one becomes too expensive to fix. I could buy a $50,000 car tomorrow, but what would be the point? All I'm seeing in this article are confessions of a greedy person.
- prmph 4y agoGood comment that matches my experience. I find that if the things I own are well made, and fill reals need or reasonable wants in my life, then I continue to enjoy them to a large extent, even if their novelty wears of. And this is true whether they were gifted to me or I struggled for them. > Your brain doesn’t want stuff. It doesn’t even want new stuff. It wants to engage in the process and anticipation of getting new stuff. On the contrary, I find myself avoiding hedonistic consumption more and more as the years go by. I scrutinize planned purchases for months, even if I can easily afford them, and I do wish the the world was less of a place where the solution to every problem seems to be to purchase something.
- leach 4y agoI think people need to seek what is fulfilling for them, not what just necessarily makes them happy .
- mmmuhd 4y agoThe author clearly has no experience of poverty, when you are poor, really poor, you have nothing to eat, you must go out to try to find something to eat, and finding the thing to eat is not assured, you'll know that owning things is the last thing on your mind, no matter what you come to be in life later, you'll live in constant fear of going back to poverty.
- jemmyw 4y agoI thought about this exact thing after the only time in my life so far I was in a position to get a brand new car. The research up to it was a lot more fun than actually having it. I've run with this since, perhaps a little more than is healthy. Want something new: research aggressively but actually back out of ever buying. Our car (not the new one, that was a different country years ago) is getting to the point of needing more work than it's value, so I've been looking at new ones, taking test drives etc. But we won't buy any of those, we'll buy something used and quite old. It might sound ok, I've got it solved and get that dopamine hit without consequence, but it's a huge waste of my time and it affects pretty much every purchase decision.
- kristianp 4y agoI've recently enjoyed researching a new laptop purchase, even went so far as some web scraping. Getting the actual machine should be enjoyable too, but a let down because it means the end of reading about new hardware with such delicious intent.