3 ms·

Women signal interest or a lack thereof in a thousand ways. Picking up on that is a basic social skill and like all skills some persons are more capable than ot

by User23 4y ago

Women signal interest or a lack thereof in a thousand ways. Picking up on that is a basic social skill and like all skills some persons are more capable than others.

fastball 4y ago
Keeping track of a thousand subtle signals is a "basic" social skill?
- User23 4y ago
  Yes, “basic” means fundamental, not simple. And for a sexually reproducing species reading the social cues of the opposite sex is indeed of fundamental importance, modulo outright barbarism.
  - MuffinFlavored 4y ago
    so you're saying it's basically evolution that if you don't know how to fundamentally pick up on flirting cues, you'll end up https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=incel https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=incel
- MuffinFlavored 4y ago
  that's a huge problem with this too. you can say there are two camps, flirting (warranted or unwarranted can be ignored) and "hitting on". i'm sure some can argue it's a subtle vs not so subtle difference you're asking socially awkward + nervous + scared guys to 1. go out of their comfort zone and smoothly create inorganically an opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone, and 2. sprinkle in something that is considered flirtatious but not too strong that it falls under the category of "hitting on"
- bitmunk 4y ago
  They didn't say subtle, or that you had to track the entirety of the hypothetical 1000.
  - fastball 4y ago
    I said subtle because I am not inexperienced in this area and these "signals" absolutely are subtle/ambiguous a decent portion of the time. And clearly you do need to track all 1000, otherwise how would you know if someone is trying to "signal interest or a lack thereof"? If I'm not paying attention to that one signal and they use it, then I'm missing the signal.
    - User23 4y ago
      Indeed, I didn't say subtle because I thought it was so obvious it went without saying. My bad. Now why these social cues are so often subtle or ambiguous is itself an interesting question. It's not one I have any good answers to though. In this area, as in most, I'm a phenomenologist and not a theorist. Needless to say the phenomenology I've developed precludes telling a woman I'm interested in about the phenomenology I've developed. Except of course when I think she might find it attractive. Human social interactions are marvelously complex. Frankly my inclination to start navel gazing has set me back once or twice.
- cpach 4y ago
  If you want to learn it, just practice. It will take time. It will probably be worth it. BTW, I’m not talking about PUA stuff here. Rather, I would think of it as practising the art of conversation, and cultivating a curiousness about other people.
  - fastball 4y ago
    > If you want to learn it, just practice. It will take time. It will probably be worth it. A skill that you need to practice with dedication and that "takes time" to learn still doesn't sound basic. As someone that has participated in lots of flirting, conversation, and curiousness about other people, I can say confidently that being curious and being good at conversation are not sufficient to navigate flirtatious behavior successfully, unless you're using "art of conversation" as a huge umbrella term which includes charisma / etc. If you are doing that, then I'll note that probably the majority of people on Earth have not mastered the art of conversation (or even cultivated it much) by such a broad definition.
MuffinFlavored 4y ago
do college guys have the right to attempt to flirt/hit on college girls (their peers) in any capacity?
jimbokun 4y ago
This just isn’t true at all. Women have different personalities and indicate their attraction or lack of attraction in very different ways. Flirting for some women is the exact same behavior presented to everyone for other women. If you want to know if a woman is attracted to you, ask her out and see what she says
- MuffinFlavored 4y ago
  https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34590521 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34590521 how does one ask a woman out if the default is supposed to be "don't hit on me right now ever"?
  - jimbokun 4y ago
    Because that is just one person posting a comment on Hacker News. It doesn't reflect reality.
- User23 4y ago
  > If you want to know if a woman is attracted to you, ask her out and see what she says Sometimes she'll say no to test to see if you're serious or not and probably to test your social acumen too. Picking up whether it's a "no, I'm not interested" or a "no, but I want to see more" is exactly the kind of social cue reading I'm talking about. And yeah learning that can be rough for people who aren't naturals and especially rough for spectrumy folks. Some of whom will probably even say there is no such thing at all because they can't see it. But them's the breaks. The reality of the sexual marketplace is what it is.
  - jimbokun 4y ago
    This is a very risky approach. Taking no for no, and moving on with a smile to other women can show confidence, and maybe she will reconsider and take steps to get back into your social life. In general, asking over and over again hoping for a different answer can signal desperation. So it turns out in this situation, the spectrumy response of just taking a response at face value, can also be the best strategy for the "sexual marketplace". That is in addition to it just being the right and decent thing to do, of course.

by User23 4y ago

Women signal interest or a lack thereof in a thousand ways. Picking up on that is a basic social skill and like all skills some persons are more capable than others.

fastball 4y ago

Keeping track of a thousand subtle signals is a "basic" social skill?

User23 4y ago
Yes, “basic” means fundamental, not simple. And for a sexually reproducing species reading the social cues of the opposite sex is indeed of fundamental importance, modulo outright barbarism.
- MuffinFlavored 4y ago
  so you're saying it's basically evolution that if you don't know how to fundamentally pick up on flirting cues, you'll end up https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=incel https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=incel
MuffinFlavored 4y ago
that's a huge problem with this too. you can say there are two camps, flirting (warranted or unwarranted can be ignored) and "hitting on". i'm sure some can argue it's a subtle vs not so subtle difference you're asking socially awkward + nervous + scared guys to 1. go out of their comfort zone and smoothly create inorganically an opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone, and 2. sprinkle in something that is considered flirtatious but not too strong that it falls under the category of "hitting on"
bitmunk 4y ago
They didn't say subtle, or that you had to track the entirety of the hypothetical 1000.
- fastball 4y ago
  I said subtle because I am not inexperienced in this area and these "signals" absolutely are subtle/ambiguous a decent portion of the time. And clearly you do need to track all 1000, otherwise how would you know if someone is trying to "signal interest or a lack thereof"? If I'm not paying attention to that one signal and they use it, then I'm missing the signal.
  - User23 4y ago
    Indeed, I didn't say subtle because I thought it was so obvious it went without saying. My bad. Now why these social cues are so often subtle or ambiguous is itself an interesting question. It's not one I have any good answers to though. In this area, as in most, I'm a phenomenologist and not a theorist. Needless to say the phenomenology I've developed precludes telling a woman I'm interested in about the phenomenology I've developed. Except of course when I think she might find it attractive. Human social interactions are marvelously complex. Frankly my inclination to start navel gazing has set me back once or twice.
cpach 4y ago
If you want to learn it, just practice. It will take time. It will probably be worth it. BTW, I’m not talking about PUA stuff here. Rather, I would think of it as practising the art of conversation, and cultivating a curiousness about other people.
- fastball 4y ago
  > If you want to learn it, just practice. It will take time. It will probably be worth it. A skill that you need to practice with dedication and that "takes time" to learn still doesn't sound basic. As someone that has participated in lots of flirting, conversation, and curiousness about other people, I can say confidently that being curious and being good at conversation are not sufficient to navigate flirtatious behavior successfully, unless you're using "art of conversation" as a huge umbrella term which includes charisma / etc. If you are doing that, then I'll note that probably the majority of people on Earth have not mastered the art of conversation (or even cultivated it much) by such a broad definition.

MuffinFlavored 4y ago

do college guys have the right to attempt to flirt/hit on college girls (their peers) in any capacity?

jimbokun 4y ago

This just isn’t true at all. Women have different personalities and indicate their attraction or lack of attraction in very different ways. Flirting for some women is the exact same behavior presented to everyone for other women. If you want to know if a woman is attracted to you, ask her out and see what she says

MuffinFlavored 4y ago
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34590521 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34590521 how does one ask a woman out if the default is supposed to be "don't hit on me right now ever"?
- jimbokun 4y ago
  Because that is just one person posting a comment on Hacker News. It doesn't reflect reality.
User23 4y ago
> If you want to know if a woman is attracted to you, ask her out and see what she says Sometimes she'll say no to test to see if you're serious or not and probably to test your social acumen too. Picking up whether it's a "no, I'm not interested" or a "no, but I want to see more" is exactly the kind of social cue reading I'm talking about. And yeah learning that can be rough for people who aren't naturals and especially rough for spectrumy folks. Some of whom will probably even say there is no such thing at all because they can't see it. But them's the breaks. The reality of the sexual marketplace is what it is.
- jimbokun 4y ago
  This is a very risky approach. Taking no for no, and moving on with a smile to other women can show confidence, and maybe she will reconsider and take steps to get back into your social life. In general, asking over and over again hoping for a different answer can signal desperation. So it turns out in this situation, the spectrumy response of just taking a response at face value, can also be the best strategy for the "sexual marketplace". That is in addition to it just being the right and decent thing to do, of course.