4 ms·

I think that characterization only applies to young people: no standards, no idea of what they want or what they're looking for, but imagine that someone else i

I think that characterization only applies to young people: no standards, no idea of what they want or what they're looking for, but imagine that someone else in their life will bring clarity. Yes, it's quite easy for your average woman to be bombarded with men on OLD. But after a certain age, it starts becoming a problem when you're looking for something more serious. You have a better grasp of who you are, and what you want, and the majority of the men flooding in are not "up to snuff." A simple progression of tastes. You may have been able to stomach junk food and boxed wine everyday in younger days, but now it revolts you -- and you need something different. Something with subtlety and depth that adds to your life, rather than getting in the way of it. The majority of people using OLD are young, and shallow, and so the platforms cater to them: creating an experience that's quick, and without depth. Tinder and Bumble the obvious examples. Compare to OkCupid (before it was bought out by Match.com, and completely destroyed): you could find people and filter through all of them based on a very large amount of aspects you considered important (values, lifestyle, beliefs, etc.) -- to cut down on the wasted time. Hinge is probably the only dating app I can think of at the moment that creates an experience that isn't so shallow (but it lacks vision, and pales in comparison to what could be -- likely due being developed, once again, by Match). There's no conclusion here, just my thoughts.

undulatingwaves 4y ago
I think there needs to be a dating experience that feels mutual/equal and doesn't have completely different experiences for different genders. Like you say 'the majority of the men flooding in are not "up to snuff"'. That's one (common) perspective, but I don't know why anyone thinks that someone from one gender is generally better than the other. Maybe one has different expectations, but that doesn't mean that the other gender is garbage like a lot of messaging around dating implies. Yet dating apps and strategies kind of assume that men put in the effort up front before they really know who the other person is. They are put through a bunch of time and money hoops. Some people may feel they have no other option and feel pressure to act a certain way, which can lead to resentment later on. As a guy it can feel like you are constantly proving yourself with costly signals for the first month (that women don't have to do), so it's hard to relax and open up and can feel defensive. I think dating should require equal commitment from the beginning. It doesn't have to be exactly 50/50, but as a guy, when you have to do the legwork in the apps (send 100s of messages, etc) and a significant minority of women label you a cheapskate if you don't pay for the first few dates, it's hard to not feel like you are being taken advantage of in dating. This probably starts by not having a mentality that most men/women you meet aren't going to be human garbage. Of course, don't accept shitty behavior. Women have issues of course and dating sucks for everyone, just my perspective as a man.
- nradov 4y ago
  You're not going to get very far complaining about inequality and telling people to alter their behavior. Different genders have different expectations. Whether that's due to culture or biology or other factors doesn't really matter; the situation isn't going to change any time soon regardless of how dating apps work. It is what it is. Expectations are also heavily influenced by the gender ratio in a region. If you're living somewhere like "Man Jose" then you're automatically at a disadvantage. Try somewhere else. https://www.kqed.org/news/11231284/does-san-jose-deserve-the-nickname-man-jose https://www.kqed.org/news/11231284/does-san-jose-deserve-the... There are apps where women have to initiate contact. If you want to put in less effort then just use those.
  - vladvasiliu 4y ago
    > There are apps where women have to initiate contact. If you want to put in less effort then just use those. I remember an article about one such app. I seem to remember that men didn't really like it because the women would initiate the contact with extremely low-effort messages, so it was on the man to get the interaction going. Basically, it's like a regular app, with an extra step that doesn't really guarantee anything.
lelanthran 4y ago
> I think that characterization only applies to young people: no standards, no idea of what they want or what they're looking for, but imagine that someone else in their life will bring clarity. IOW, that characterisation only applies to the majority of single people?

undulatingwaves 4y ago

I think there needs to be a dating experience that feels mutual/equal and doesn't have completely different experiences for different genders. Like you say 'the majority of the men flooding in are not "up to snuff"'. That's one (common) perspective, but I don't know why anyone thinks that someone from one gender is generally better than the other. Maybe one has different expectations, but that doesn't mean that the other gender is garbage like a lot of messaging around dating implies. Yet dating apps and strategies kind of assume that men put in the effort up front before they really know who the other person is. They are put through a bunch of time and money hoops. Some people may feel they have no other option and feel pressure to act a certain way, which can lead to resentment later on. As a guy it can feel like you are constantly proving yourself with costly signals for the first month (that women don't have to do), so it's hard to relax and open up and can feel defensive. I think dating should require equal commitment from the beginning. It doesn't have to be exactly 50/50, but as a guy, when you have to do the legwork in the apps (send 100s of messages, etc) and a significant minority of women label you a cheapskate if you don't pay for the first few dates, it's hard to not feel like you are being taken advantage of in dating. This probably starts by not having a mentality that most men/women you meet aren't going to be human garbage. Of course, don't accept shitty behavior. Women have issues of course and dating sucks for everyone, just my perspective as a man.

nradov 4y ago
You're not going to get very far complaining about inequality and telling people to alter their behavior. Different genders have different expectations. Whether that's due to culture or biology or other factors doesn't really matter; the situation isn't going to change any time soon regardless of how dating apps work. It is what it is. Expectations are also heavily influenced by the gender ratio in a region. If you're living somewhere like "Man Jose" then you're automatically at a disadvantage. Try somewhere else. https://www.kqed.org/news/11231284/does-san-jose-deserve-the-nickname-man-jose https://www.kqed.org/news/11231284/does-san-jose-deserve-the... There are apps where women have to initiate contact. If you want to put in less effort then just use those.
- vladvasiliu 4y ago
  > There are apps where women have to initiate contact. If you want to put in less effort then just use those. I remember an article about one such app. I seem to remember that men didn't really like it because the women would initiate the contact with extremely low-effort messages, so it was on the man to get the interaction going. Basically, it's like a regular app, with an extra step that doesn't really guarantee anything.

lelanthran 4y ago

> I think that characterization only applies to young people: no standards, no idea of what they want or what they're looking for, but imagine that someone else in their life will bring clarity. IOW, that characterisation only applies to the majority of single people?