4 ms·

Same. Several years ago I had an ex-GF of sorts reach out to me in SF. She was passing through and wanted to say hi, etc. I had a couple hours before my shift a

by fdye 4y ago

Same. Several years ago I had an ex-GF of sorts reach out to me in SF. She was passing through and wanted to say hi, etc. I had a couple hours before my shift at a bar I worked at so I swung by where she was, bought her a drink, etc. Immediately could tell she was in a bad place, looked like her occasional drug use had become a permanent, more hard kind. About halfway through the drink was a clumsy come on and a push for some cash, she was out of gas, couldn't get home, whatever. I ended up giving her like $40, a big hug, said goodbye. The whole time she is swearing up and down she will be back next week, will pay me back, etc. I got to work and told a coworker what had happened. She thought I was crazy and was laughing cause I had been conned by an ex. I then explained if I never saw my $40 again it was money well spent. One less person in my life bringing with it their chaos, and our history had made it hard to totally write off. Sure enough, never heard from her again...

asveikau 4y ago
> She thought I was crazy and was laughing cause I had been conned by an ex. I then explained if I never saw my $40 again it was money well spent. One less person in my life bringing with it their chaos I was surprised by some of this, especially this last part. Firstly, $40 is not a lot of money. Hardly a "big con". Second, I think the "money well spent" part is that you helped her in some small amount, when it was obvious she was suffering, and you didn't expect anything in return. I think if she had come back expecting continued/sustained support, then you'd be right to pull away. But that sounds like the story of somebody who struggled in that moment and you gave some small gesture of support. I think it's good. Hardly an "investment to get her to leave you alone". That sounds too cynical and harsh.
- simplotek 4y ago
  > Second, I think the "money well spent" part is that you helped her in some small amount, when it was obvious she was suffering, and you didn't expect anything in return. It seems you have been lucky enough to be living a sheltered life, without any acquaintance having tried to chat you up to their advantage. Unfortunately there are plenty of people in the real world who are either takers or outright set to exploit you. Not many, but enough to have people learn the wisdom of saying "no" to sob stories. I once came across a guy who apparently lived close to me who was asking for money for a taxi ride because he was out of gas and had to go to the hospital to check up on his kid who had an emergency and blablabla. I gave the guy 10€ and wished him well. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I stumble upon the same guy right on the same spot. He clearly didn't recognize me as he asked me again for money for a taxi ride because he ran out of gas and his kid was just admitted to the hospital and blablabla. I asked him if he didn't asked for that same request a few weeks ago, to which he just stood there looking at me without saying a word, and after a couple of seconds he turned back and proceeded to walk away and never be seen again. In the pre mass online shopping days I also had a close friend who just moved to another city. Our friend group had thrown him a big farewell party and everyone promised to keep in touch and visit all the time and all those things. After a few days that friend reached out to us saying he now lived right next to a consumer electronics megashop, and if any of us wanted anything shipped then we could simply send him the cash and he would buy the stuff we needed. A couple of guys from the friend group took him on his offer and sent him cash transfers, and that friend proceeded to ghost everyone. Sadly I have other personal anecdotes, some of which real sob stories. It really depends on what you mean by helping people with a small amount. Those who profit from your actions do benefit from the money they get from you even if it's under false pretenses. Robbers who steal stuff from people around them are also helped by getting their hands on il gotten gains.
  - asveikau 4y ago
    > It seems you have been lucky enough to be living a sheltered life, without any acquaintance having tried to chat you up to their advantage. I'm sorry good sir or madam, I stopped reading here. In my personal life experience with abusive people, I find it makes me want to be more in favor of unconditional help for others, not less. Though I have experienced the urge to want to help people less, which you seem stuck in, and I was formerly stuck. I think it's a stress response. It creates a lot of anxiety to keep sizing people up for how they're going to screw you, instead of just accepting them and treating them well. (Yes, there is a difference between treating them well and letting them abuse you.)
    - simplotek 4y ago
      > In my personal life experience with abusive people, I find it makes me want to be more in favor of unconditional help for others, not less. This has nothing to do with conditional or conditional help, or help at all. You feel compelled to fool yourself into believing you're not being exploited, but you're the only one believing that nonsense. You're dealt with like the mark in a con, and not exercising any common sense does not make you more pious, just an easy mark without self esteem. The people that leech off of you are not the ones who need it the most. They are just the ones that don't mind profiting from less than ethical and moral means.
      - asveikau 4y ago
        Enjoy your paranoid life. Imo the ideas you're writing indicate very high levels of stress, which can lead to unfounded mistrust of others and general misanthropy. If you could see it more broadly you might see that the people "taking advantage" are also suffering, and have more in common with you than you appreciate. It's ok to be yourself around those people, to let down your proverbial guard, while having appropriate boundaries and not being exploited ... But over focus on who exploits and who is exploited blah blah blah ... All of that is quite toxic. It can make you just as miserable as the people you're accusing, if not more. And if you see every interaction this way, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing potential exploitation where it doesn't exist.
- Gh0stRAT 4y ago
  >Second, I think the "money well spent" part is that you helped her in some small amount, when it was obvious she was suffering, and you didn't expect anything in return. Let's be clear here: the "out of gas" story was almost certainly a lie and OP knew it. He helped her buy a small amount of drugs. I have a sibling struggling with drug addiction for the past 6+ years, constantly "borrowing" money from others and never quite hitting a serious enough "rock bottom" to decide to get help/rehab. My brother "borrows" $10+k/year from my dad and it's poisoning their relationship and draining my dad's finances. (my dad recently took out a 401k loan because he's so cashflow-negative and that money's gone already) My dad enables him every day while dreaming about moving to another state and cutting off all contact. $40 for OP to cut ties with someone like that is indeed money well spent, IMO.
  - asveikau 4y ago
    I have a brother with schizoaffective disorder who is homeless and uses meth. I'm not naive. But I stand by what I said.
- HeyLaughingBoy 4y ago
  > Firstly, $40 is not a lot of money. Hardly a "big con". I offered my seat on the subway to a young woman about my age who looked very tired. She didn't say anything, or even look in my direction: she just seemed like she was having a difficult time. She said "yes, thank you" and I got up. When I got up, the dude I was standing next to whispered in my ear "can't believe you let yourself get conned out of your seat like that." Some people just don't want others to be helped I guess.
winphone1974 4y ago
This is not the standard I can tell you, lend $40, 100 or more to someone, especially with an addiction problem and you see them the next time they need more. You're now the easiest path forward. same thing happens when you over-help someone at work so their job.

by fdye 4y ago

asveikau 4y ago

> She thought I was crazy and was laughing cause I had been conned by an ex. I then explained if I never saw my $40 again it was money well spent. One less person in my life bringing with it their chaos I was surprised by some of this, especially this last part. Firstly, $40 is not a lot of money. Hardly a "big con". Second, I think the "money well spent" part is that you helped her in some small amount, when it was obvious she was suffering, and you didn't expect anything in return. I think if she had come back expecting continued/sustained support, then you'd be right to pull away. But that sounds like the story of somebody who struggled in that moment and you gave some small gesture of support. I think it's good. Hardly an "investment to get her to leave you alone". That sounds too cynical and harsh.

simplotek 4y ago
> Second, I think the "money well spent" part is that you helped her in some small amount, when it was obvious she was suffering, and you didn't expect anything in return. It seems you have been lucky enough to be living a sheltered life, without any acquaintance having tried to chat you up to their advantage. Unfortunately there are plenty of people in the real world who are either takers or outright set to exploit you. Not many, but enough to have people learn the wisdom of saying "no" to sob stories. I once came across a guy who apparently lived close to me who was asking for money for a taxi ride because he was out of gas and had to go to the hospital to check up on his kid who had an emergency and blablabla. I gave the guy 10€ and wished him well. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I stumble upon the same guy right on the same spot. He clearly didn't recognize me as he asked me again for money for a taxi ride because he ran out of gas and his kid was just admitted to the hospital and blablabla. I asked him if he didn't asked for that same request a few weeks ago, to which he just stood there looking at me without saying a word, and after a couple of seconds he turned back and proceeded to walk away and never be seen again. In the pre mass online shopping days I also had a close friend who just moved to another city. Our friend group had thrown him a big farewell party and everyone promised to keep in touch and visit all the time and all those things. After a few days that friend reached out to us saying he now lived right next to a consumer electronics megashop, and if any of us wanted anything shipped then we could simply send him the cash and he would buy the stuff we needed. A couple of guys from the friend group took him on his offer and sent him cash transfers, and that friend proceeded to ghost everyone. Sadly I have other personal anecdotes, some of which real sob stories. It really depends on what you mean by helping people with a small amount. Those who profit from your actions do benefit from the money they get from you even if it's under false pretenses. Robbers who steal stuff from people around them are also helped by getting their hands on il gotten gains.
- asveikau 4y ago
  > It seems you have been lucky enough to be living a sheltered life, without any acquaintance having tried to chat you up to their advantage. I'm sorry good sir or madam, I stopped reading here. In my personal life experience with abusive people, I find it makes me want to be more in favor of unconditional help for others, not less. Though I have experienced the urge to want to help people less, which you seem stuck in, and I was formerly stuck. I think it's a stress response. It creates a lot of anxiety to keep sizing people up for how they're going to screw you, instead of just accepting them and treating them well. (Yes, there is a difference between treating them well and letting them abuse you.)
  - simplotek 4y ago
    > In my personal life experience with abusive people, I find it makes me want to be more in favor of unconditional help for others, not less. This has nothing to do with conditional or conditional help, or help at all. You feel compelled to fool yourself into believing you're not being exploited, but you're the only one believing that nonsense. You're dealt with like the mark in a con, and not exercising any common sense does not make you more pious, just an easy mark without self esteem. The people that leech off of you are not the ones who need it the most. They are just the ones that don't mind profiting from less than ethical and moral means.
    - asveikau 4y ago
      Enjoy your paranoid life. Imo the ideas you're writing indicate very high levels of stress, which can lead to unfounded mistrust of others and general misanthropy. If you could see it more broadly you might see that the people "taking advantage" are also suffering, and have more in common with you than you appreciate. It's ok to be yourself around those people, to let down your proverbial guard, while having appropriate boundaries and not being exploited ... But over focus on who exploits and who is exploited blah blah blah ... All of that is quite toxic. It can make you just as miserable as the people you're accusing, if not more. And if you see every interaction this way, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing potential exploitation where it doesn't exist.
Gh0stRAT 4y ago
>Second, I think the "money well spent" part is that you helped her in some small amount, when it was obvious she was suffering, and you didn't expect anything in return. Let's be clear here: the "out of gas" story was almost certainly a lie and OP knew it. He helped her buy a small amount of drugs. I have a sibling struggling with drug addiction for the past 6+ years, constantly "borrowing" money from others and never quite hitting a serious enough "rock bottom" to decide to get help/rehab. My brother "borrows" $10+k/year from my dad and it's poisoning their relationship and draining my dad's finances. (my dad recently took out a 401k loan because he's so cashflow-negative and that money's gone already) My dad enables him every day while dreaming about moving to another state and cutting off all contact. $40 for OP to cut ties with someone like that is indeed money well spent, IMO.
- asveikau 4y ago
  I have a brother with schizoaffective disorder who is homeless and uses meth. I'm not naive. But I stand by what I said.
HeyLaughingBoy 4y ago
> Firstly, $40 is not a lot of money. Hardly a "big con". I offered my seat on the subway to a young woman about my age who looked very tired. She didn't say anything, or even look in my direction: she just seemed like she was having a difficult time. She said "yes, thank you" and I got up. When I got up, the dude I was standing next to whispered in my ear "can't believe you let yourself get conned out of your seat like that." Some people just don't want others to be helped I guess.

winphone1974 4y ago

This is not the standard I can tell you, lend $40, 100 or more to someone, especially with an addiction problem and you see them the next time they need more. You're now the easiest path forward. same thing happens when you over-help someone at work so their job.