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Guys, guys... I know it's slightly corny but the best advice is just to be yourself and let the conversation flow. Stop bringing tech interview style approaches

Guys, guys... I know it's slightly corny but the best advice is just to be yourself and let the conversation flow. Stop bringing tech interview style approaches into it, just chat!

4ad 4y ago
> just be yourself Unless you suffer from schizofrenia, you can't not be yourself. I am sure you mean well but this often repeated piece of advice is meaningless.
- simonh 4y ago
  It’s quite common for people in dating situations to try and second guess what good dating behaviour would be. They try to project a character or personality that they think will be attractive, rather than behaving as they normally would around friends or family. Also they might answer questions disingenuously in order to project a false image of themselves. The advice to just be yourself is really just saying, don’t do that. Be more honest.
  - 4ad 4y ago
    Those people are just being themselves. What are you are suggesting them to do is precisely doing something else than what they naturally do. There are people naturally good at social interactions and people who are bad at it. People who are good look at the ones who aren't and see them doing dumb, self-sabotaging mistakes that _they_ wouldn't do. The successful wouldn't act that way so they recommend the lesser fortunate to "just be themselves" assuming that everybody acts the same in their natural state, while in reality they should be recommending "just act like me". The people bad at social interactions already act like themselves, by definition, and any sort of actionable advice that would improve their situation literally means to act less like oneself and more like someone else.
    - simonh 4y ago
      > Those people are just being themselves. That’s technically true but in practice useless. Nobody knows how to do almost anything ‘naturally’ in the sense you’re using the word because we have learned to do practically everything. Yes I know there’s nature versus nurture, and innate nature is a thing, but in practice our social interactions are very largely learned. Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? What you are arguing is that what that person learned up until then is the real ‘natural’ them and anything they learn after is somehow unnatural. Do I even need to take that line of reasoning any further?
      - 4ad 4y ago
        > Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? Yes, if they get actionable advice, which they can understand and follow, which "just be yourself" is not an example of. It's not just useless advice, it's wrong, showing a fundamental misunderstanding by the advisor of what the problem with the advised person is. It's not only frustrating, but it causes the advised person to dismiss any further advice from the advisor.
        simonh 4y ago
        I think by itself you're right, it's ambiguous and dismissive. I think the basic idea behind it, trying to be more relaxed and comfortable in that situation to express more of your genuine personality than a special behaviour you adopt for dating situations, is on the right track though.
dijit 4y ago
“local lottery winner says, just buy a ticket! its that easy!”. All jokes aside, many people struggle with charisma and keeping the conversation going. I have grown to be more charismatic with age, largely due to a mix of assertiveness training and having internal rules to keep the conversation flowing. If you can paper over the awkwardness of transitioning from an answer to one question to asking another question, and you are genuinely inquisitive so as to make a whole conversation from an answer, then these kinds of questions are a fantastic crutch. Other conversational crutches like the “FORD model” (Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams) can help in the event of a stalled conversation.
- azan_ 4y ago
  > assertiveness training and having internal rules to keep the conversation flowing Could you elaborate on that? These internal rules sound intriguing and potentially helpful for other people struggling with charisma
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
marginalia_nu 4y ago
Imagine dating someone who can't invert a binary tree on a whiteboard.
- 082349872349872 4y ago
  Imagine dating someone who doesn't even keep snus in their EPA? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hdUKZLQIuQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hdUKZLQIuQ
- itsmemattchung 4y ago
  Happily married for 5 years. But if I had to do it all over again, would require partner to be able to invert a binary tree.
- kleene_op 4y ago
  My last date could invert the binary tree, but with horrendous time complexity (O(n.log(n))). At that point I knew it wouldn't work out between the two of us so I just got up and left the restaurant. I emailed her the solution later because I'm not an inconsiderate human being.
supersparrow 4y ago
It’s only like an interview if you make it like that. These types of questions are incredibly useful if you’re both a bit nervous or both naturally not very chatty. The idea isn’t that you run through every question in order, get an answer or discuss and move on, the idea is to use them as interesting questions to get you going which then easily leads onto further conversation. It’s a bit of fun. People aren’t using these things to conduct interviews! My wife actually use some ‘30 questions to fall in love’ site on our second date. It worked out pretty well I suppose .
Sakos 4y ago
Look through the questions. A lot of them are things that will already come up in the course of a relationship. The difference is that you're asking them upfront. There's nothing particularly special about them. The core point is just opening up and being vulnerable with the other person far earlier than you otherwise might and based on personal experience, I think it can work extremely well. I'm neurotic, so the relationships didn't end up going anywhere, but still.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
AnIdiotOnTheNet 4y ago
This is terrible advice, because if being yourself led to conversation flow and that led to connection then the person asking wouldn't need the advice.
tasuki 4y ago
> the best advice is just to be yourself and let the conversation flow This is the key to success but it isn't good advice.

Guys, guys... I know it's slightly corny but the best advice is just to be yourself and let the conversation flow. Stop bringing tech interview style approaches into it, just chat!

4ad 4y ago

> just be yourself Unless you suffer from schizofrenia, you can't not be yourself. I am sure you mean well but this often repeated piece of advice is meaningless.

simonh 4y ago
It’s quite common for people in dating situations to try and second guess what good dating behaviour would be. They try to project a character or personality that they think will be attractive, rather than behaving as they normally would around friends or family. Also they might answer questions disingenuously in order to project a false image of themselves. The advice to just be yourself is really just saying, don’t do that. Be more honest.
- 4ad 4y ago
  Those people are just being themselves. What are you are suggesting them to do is precisely doing something else than what they naturally do. There are people naturally good at social interactions and people who are bad at it. People who are good look at the ones who aren't and see them doing dumb, self-sabotaging mistakes that _they_ wouldn't do. The successful wouldn't act that way so they recommend the lesser fortunate to "just be themselves" assuming that everybody acts the same in their natural state, while in reality they should be recommending "just act like me". The people bad at social interactions already act like themselves, by definition, and any sort of actionable advice that would improve their situation literally means to act less like oneself and more like someone else.
  - simonh 4y ago
    > Those people are just being themselves. That’s technically true but in practice useless. Nobody knows how to do almost anything ‘naturally’ in the sense you’re using the word because we have learned to do practically everything. Yes I know there’s nature versus nurture, and innate nature is a thing, but in practice our social interactions are very largely learned. Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? What you are arguing is that what that person learned up until then is the real ‘natural’ them and anything they learn after is somehow unnatural. Do I even need to take that line of reasoning any further?
    - 4ad 4y ago
      > Do you think it’s possible for people to learn and change? Yes, if they get actionable advice, which they can understand and follow, which "just be yourself" is not an example of. It's not just useless advice, it's wrong, showing a fundamental misunderstanding by the advisor of what the problem with the advised person is. It's not only frustrating, but it causes the advised person to dismiss any further advice from the advisor.
      - simonh 4y ago
        I think by itself you're right, it's ambiguous and dismissive. I think the basic idea behind it, trying to be more relaxed and comfortable in that situation to express more of your genuine personality than a special behaviour you adopt for dating situations, is on the right track though.

dijit 4y ago

“local lottery winner says, just buy a ticket! its that easy!”. All jokes aside, many people struggle with charisma and keeping the conversation going. I have grown to be more charismatic with age, largely due to a mix of assertiveness training and having internal rules to keep the conversation flowing. If you can paper over the awkwardness of transitioning from an answer to one question to asking another question, and you are genuinely inquisitive so as to make a whole conversation from an answer, then these kinds of questions are a fantastic crutch. Other conversational crutches like the “FORD model” (Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams) can help in the event of a stalled conversation.

azan_ 4y ago
> assertiveness training and having internal rules to keep the conversation flowing Could you elaborate on that? These internal rules sound intriguing and potentially helpful for other people struggling with charisma
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]

marginalia_nu 4y ago

Imagine dating someone who can't invert a binary tree on a whiteboard.

082349872349872 4y ago
Imagine dating someone who doesn't even keep snus in their EPA? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hdUKZLQIuQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hdUKZLQIuQ
itsmemattchung 4y ago
Happily married for 5 years. But if I had to do it all over again, would require partner to be able to invert a binary tree.
kleene_op 4y ago
My last date could invert the binary tree, but with horrendous time complexity (O(n.log(n))). At that point I knew it wouldn't work out between the two of us so I just got up and left the restaurant. I emailed her the solution later because I'm not an inconsiderate human being.

supersparrow 4y ago

It’s only like an interview if you make it like that. These types of questions are incredibly useful if you’re both a bit nervous or both naturally not very chatty. The idea isn’t that you run through every question in order, get an answer or discuss and move on, the idea is to use them as interesting questions to get you going which then easily leads onto further conversation. It’s a bit of fun. People aren’t using these things to conduct interviews! My wife actually use some ‘30 questions to fall in love’ site on our second date. It worked out pretty well I suppose .

Sakos 4y ago

Look through the questions. A lot of them are things that will already come up in the course of a relationship. The difference is that you're asking them upfront. There's nothing particularly special about them. The core point is just opening up and being vulnerable with the other person far earlier than you otherwise might and based on personal experience, I think it can work extremely well. I'm neurotic, so the relationships didn't end up going anywhere, but still.

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

AnIdiotOnTheNet 4y ago

This is terrible advice, because if being yourself led to conversation flow and that led to connection then the person asking wouldn't need the advice.

tasuki 4y ago

> the best advice is just to be yourself and let the conversation flow This is the key to success but it isn't good advice.