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I'm currently struggling with parenting an 18 month old child as an introvert. As a 50 year old first-time parent who had the benefit of lots of quiet alone tim

I'm currently struggling with parenting an 18 month old child as an introvert. As a 50 year old first-time parent who had the benefit of lots of quiet alone time for literally decades, and possibly got a bit too used to it. :/ My sanity is eroding and I hit a wall every day. I also found that I don't have time anymore to keep up with technological developments like I used to, which is unfortunately eroding my value as a developer, so now I'm looking into hybrid PM/management/developer roles.

GMoromisato 4y ago
It gets better! My youngest is now 3 and I'm slowly getting more time for myself (and to be with my wife). She goes potty on her own, she can play on her own for 15 minutes and not demand anything, and we don't worry about her climbing the shelfs or playing with knives. It's still hard, of course, but so much better than 1 year ago. I don't have any advice that you haven't heard a million times already, but: 1. Carve out time for yourself. Work with your partner so each of you gets 1 hour of uninterrupted time to yourselves per day. 2. Sleep when you can. If you try to be productive while tired, you will fail. Better to spend the time sleeping. 3. Be present with your partner. You're going through this together so you should go through it together. Share stories and feelings. And make sure to give an appropriate amount of hugs, kisses, and encouragement (especially if you're not feeling it). 4. Hang in there and enjoy the ride as much as you can. 5. And again, remember that it gets better! [p.s.: Obviously this is 10x harder if you're a single-parent. I don't have that experience, so I can't offer anything except admiration and encouragement.]
- pmarreck 4y ago
  Fortunately not a single parent. Fortunately JUST got him into an excellent daycare for the weekdays at least (we had a nanny who was far more expensive and caused us quite a bit of stress). Thanks for the tips, I actually haven't gotten many because my parents either passed or moved away, her parents are far away, and until I had a kid I was surrounded mainly by childless couples. Also, I don't know if every parent just completely forgets what the first 3 years are like (maybe the lack of sleep prevents long-term memory formation? lol) but every parent I've run into whose kids are now older than 5 seem to have completely forgotten everything about the first 3 years - for example, one of them offered my kid a whole Dorito a few months ago (choking hazard, not many teeth in yet, etc.!) and I was like WHOA WAIT A MINUTE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?!
  - dsego 4y ago
    I think we forget.
abyssin 4y ago
My partner and I recently had our second child. The biggest difference we noticed is related to our better acceptance of that child’s needs. With the first one, we always tried to look for signs of autonomy, much too early. Everything is more peaceful when we accept to let go. I’m not fixing things in the house. Every thing I give up is a liberation. Being a father more or less makes up for the self image forced and embraced update.
- pmarreck 4y ago
  Yes, I already am letting go of a lot (I can't, for example, remember the last time I got my car washed), but my partner continues to take on time-ful or effort-ful things that I consider "expendably unnecessary" (such as at least half of the cleaning/sanitizing she does- despite me emphasizing that the Hygiene Hypothesis is probably real) and is stressing both of us out anyway. My office is a mess that has needed cleaning for over a year. Etc. We probably won't be having (or able to have) a second child (not to mention that time and energy for the basic biological prerequisites here are non-existent, I have no friggin idea how other parents have a second so soon after the first) but we are probably making the mistake(s) you mentioned about your first one.
  - coffeebeqn 4y ago
    We had a second fairly soon after but we were in our early-mid 30s. By 50 your natural energy levels are probably much lower already. It can be grueling but they get easier in my mind every day. At 4 years old my older kid is quite independent and funny. I can just ask her to play and have a snack and go to the bathroom while I clean my office or whatever. Daycare also means you will have actual alone time. But it is best to accept that you are a parent first now. Not an introvert, engineer, whatever other nonsense you thought you were. You’ll have more time to yourself eventually but the first two years are tough!
    - pmarreck 4y ago
      > whatever other nonsense you thought you were hah, oh man. If you only knew how (and how hard) I've tried to shove certain labels off me, only to have them almost karmically boomerang back to me, to the point where I practically screamed back to whatever powers-that-may-be, "OK, I'LL F***ING BE A CODER!" =) (Computers and I were as much an intellectual version of "love at first sight" as can be imagined. But, like many loves, it was also burdensome for a time.) But I will accept this ADDITIONAL first-order label of "Dad" ;)
dsego 4y ago
It gets easier, my 3 year old is "all grown up" now. I actually already miss the baby phase, it happened so quick. > keep up with technological developments like I used to, which is unfortunately eroding my value as a developer Not sure why you think this is so, there hasn't been much change in the past few years. In any case, I don't think keeping up is important for seasoned developers. So you skip a few version of React and pick up the next shiny thing that comes in a few years, I don't think it really matters.
- pmarreck 4y ago
  I've been trying to learn Nix, NixOS (incl. writing my own derivations and learning Nix Flakes, which is still quite new), convert my dotfiles to a declarative Home Manager config, learn how to deploy a Nixified Phoenix app now that I learned how to nixify my web app, play with Phoenix's LiveView (which has already been out for a while), play with Elixir's Nx library for machine learning stuff, play with https://livebook.dev/ https://livebook.dev/ which now has ML hooks, come up with a use case for GraphQL so I can at least stick it on a resume (I understand it in principle but not in practice), make Bash saner by writing my own testing library for it which still needs polishing so it is incredibly easy to include in another bash script https://github.com/pmarreck/tinytestlib https://github.com/pmarreck/tinytestlib, code a Discord bot to DJ my cross-country gaming sessions with a best friend (I have one working but I need to hack on it more), learn more about ZFS and tuning it (I boot off it), stay on top of Linux developments, stay on top of Postgresql developments (perhaps investigating immutable-data/event-log schemes that play nice with it to maybe work with a security audit requirement in an app I'm responsible for)... find cool new electronica via the recommendation engines out there... AND THAT'S JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. ;)
  - dsego 4y ago
    Right, I understand, and it's really really cool, but something's got to give chief. It boils down to time management and priorities I guess. Think of all the important stuff you had on your plate 10 years ago and how many are relevant now. For me personally, if I don't need it for my day job it gets lower in priority.

GMoromisato 4y ago

It gets better! My youngest is now 3 and I'm slowly getting more time for myself (and to be with my wife). She goes potty on her own, she can play on her own for 15 minutes and not demand anything, and we don't worry about her climbing the shelfs or playing with knives. It's still hard, of course, but so much better than 1 year ago. I don't have any advice that you haven't heard a million times already, but: 1. Carve out time for yourself. Work with your partner so each of you gets 1 hour of uninterrupted time to yourselves per day. 2. Sleep when you can. If you try to be productive while tired, you will fail. Better to spend the time sleeping. 3. Be present with your partner. You're going through this together so you should go through it together. Share stories and feelings. And make sure to give an appropriate amount of hugs, kisses, and encouragement (especially if you're not feeling it). 4. Hang in there and enjoy the ride as much as you can. 5. And again, remember that it gets better! [p.s.: Obviously this is 10x harder if you're a single-parent. I don't have that experience, so I can't offer anything except admiration and encouragement.]

pmarreck 4y ago
Fortunately not a single parent. Fortunately JUST got him into an excellent daycare for the weekdays at least (we had a nanny who was far more expensive and caused us quite a bit of stress). Thanks for the tips, I actually haven't gotten many because my parents either passed or moved away, her parents are far away, and until I had a kid I was surrounded mainly by childless couples. Also, I don't know if every parent just completely forgets what the first 3 years are like (maybe the lack of sleep prevents long-term memory formation? lol) but every parent I've run into whose kids are now older than 5 seem to have completely forgotten everything about the first 3 years - for example, one of them offered my kid a whole Dorito a few months ago (choking hazard, not many teeth in yet, etc.!) and I was like WHOA WAIT A MINUTE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?!
- dsego 4y ago
  I think we forget.

abyssin 4y ago

My partner and I recently had our second child. The biggest difference we noticed is related to our better acceptance of that child’s needs. With the first one, we always tried to look for signs of autonomy, much too early. Everything is more peaceful when we accept to let go. I’m not fixing things in the house. Every thing I give up is a liberation. Being a father more or less makes up for the self image forced and embraced update.

pmarreck 4y ago
Yes, I already am letting go of a lot (I can't, for example, remember the last time I got my car washed), but my partner continues to take on time-ful or effort-ful things that I consider "expendably unnecessary" (such as at least half of the cleaning/sanitizing she does- despite me emphasizing that the Hygiene Hypothesis is probably real) and is stressing both of us out anyway. My office is a mess that has needed cleaning for over a year. Etc. We probably won't be having (or able to have) a second child (not to mention that time and energy for the basic biological prerequisites here are non-existent, I have no friggin idea how other parents have a second so soon after the first) but we are probably making the mistake(s) you mentioned about your first one.
- coffeebeqn 4y ago
  We had a second fairly soon after but we were in our early-mid 30s. By 50 your natural energy levels are probably much lower already. It can be grueling but they get easier in my mind every day. At 4 years old my older kid is quite independent and funny. I can just ask her to play and have a snack and go to the bathroom while I clean my office or whatever. Daycare also means you will have actual alone time. But it is best to accept that you are a parent first now. Not an introvert, engineer, whatever other nonsense you thought you were. You’ll have more time to yourself eventually but the first two years are tough!
  - pmarreck 4y ago
    > whatever other nonsense you thought you were hah, oh man. If you only knew how (and how hard) I've tried to shove certain labels off me, only to have them almost karmically boomerang back to me, to the point where I practically screamed back to whatever powers-that-may-be, "OK, I'LL F***ING BE A CODER!" =) (Computers and I were as much an intellectual version of "love at first sight" as can be imagined. But, like many loves, it was also burdensome for a time.) But I will accept this ADDITIONAL first-order label of "Dad" ;)

dsego 4y ago

It gets easier, my 3 year old is "all grown up" now. I actually already miss the baby phase, it happened so quick. > keep up with technological developments like I used to, which is unfortunately eroding my value as a developer Not sure why you think this is so, there hasn't been much change in the past few years. In any case, I don't think keeping up is important for seasoned developers. So you skip a few version of React and pick up the next shiny thing that comes in a few years, I don't think it really matters.

pmarreck 4y ago
I've been trying to learn Nix, NixOS (incl. writing my own derivations and learning Nix Flakes, which is still quite new), convert my dotfiles to a declarative Home Manager config, learn how to deploy a Nixified Phoenix app now that I learned how to nixify my web app, play with Phoenix's LiveView (which has already been out for a while), play with Elixir's Nx library for machine learning stuff, play with https://livebook.dev/ https://livebook.dev/ which now has ML hooks, come up with a use case for GraphQL so I can at least stick it on a resume (I understand it in principle but not in practice), make Bash saner by writing my own testing library for it which still needs polishing so it is incredibly easy to include in another bash script https://github.com/pmarreck/tinytestlib https://github.com/pmarreck/tinytestlib, code a Discord bot to DJ my cross-country gaming sessions with a best friend (I have one working but I need to hack on it more), learn more about ZFS and tuning it (I boot off it), stay on top of Linux developments, stay on top of Postgresql developments (perhaps investigating immutable-data/event-log schemes that play nice with it to maybe work with a security audit requirement in an app I'm responsible for)... find cool new electronica via the recommendation engines out there... AND THAT'S JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. ;)
- dsego 4y ago
  Right, I understand, and it's really really cool, but something's got to give chief. It boils down to time management and priorities I guess. Think of all the important stuff you had on your plate 10 years ago and how many are relevant now. For me personally, if I don't need it for my day job it gets lower in priority.