I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I was struggling with suicidal ideation over pandemic, and it was a really scary. As someone who just came out of

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I was struggling with suicidal ideation over pandemic, and it was a really scary. As someone who just came out of depression (brought on by some family deaths, stagnation, and pandemic), my only recommendation is this: Change something. My experience is that stasis is the enemy, rather than any one outcome being the enemy. To be more concrete, I've been told to fear homelessness or debt or solitude, but when I've changed things up without regard for these taboos, it's been surprisingly positive. Some of the happiest and most hopeful (and most physically healthy) times in my life have been while unemployed, while homeless, while living away from my established social safety net or possessionless... and at least for me, the levity and creativity of that mental space has always brought me closer to both strangers and friends (both those with families and those without). In my experience, there's a gravity to doing unexpected things, that causes humans to fall toward you. I've found the doing an odd thing gives you an immediate something to share, and the curiosity of ppl about the odd things you're doing (and learning about) can help bolster self-esteem. It's a wonderful upward spiral. I know not everyone is the same. (I am admittedly mostly an extrovert at heart.) But I just wanted to share, just in case. I'm just short of turning 40, and a recent change in cities -- first to visit a friend and stay on their couch, and then to move -- has rejuvenated me. Also, please don't discount the fact that different cultures are navigating COVID VERY differently. It may be that your local culture is not suiting you. Some people choose to fight the local culture as a means of self-preservation, but if you are troubled enough to be contemplating suicide, then pls seriously consider sampling other cultures. Even if you feel stress about "leaving", pls know that this smaller departure is far better than the larger one that nags you (for both everyone who cares about you now and also those who will eventually care about you) <3