4 ms·

> Oh and that I'll have a partner who will stay healthy (and loyal)... The LVB (lowest viable bar) is "will I be able to have a civil conversation with this pe

> Oh and that I'll have a partner who will stay healthy (and loyal)... The LVB (lowest viable bar) is "will I be able to have a civil conversation with this person about our child whenever needed, for at least 20 years?" People get so bitterly disappointed when "unconditional love" doesn't happen, they can't even meet the LVB. Keep LVB front and center when evaluating a potential mate. If the answer is "yes, no matter what happens, we can always be civil about the children", then no matter what, it should be okay.

unsupp0rted 4y ago
> If the answer is "yes, no matter what happens, we can always be civil about the children I agree with you, although that's necessary but not sufficient. Having children isn't so wonderful that I'd put up for decades with a miserable relationship with my partner in the endeavor. With children in the mix, especially unhealthy children who require special support, you can't just say "looks like we've grown apart and can't communicate well anymore about even the basics, so cya". It's a lifelong commitment to a cofounder, no matter what.
- rendall 4y ago
  > Having children isn't so wonderful that I'd put up for decades with a miserable relationship with my partner in the endeavor. Agreed, but that's not what I said nor even implied. If you're insisting on staying together for decades, and happily so to boot, that is a very high bar indeed. Such a high bar that only very few couples manage it. Few couples even manage the LVB. No. If you want to have kids, you have to know that even if you divorce, even horribly, even catastrophically, that you can have a civil conversation as needed about the child for at least 20 years. If you're not sure, don't do it. Do not have a child. Spare the children and the world your children.

4 ms·

> Oh and that I'll have a partner who will stay healthy (and loyal)... The LVB (lowest viable bar) is "will I be able to have a civil conversation with this pe

by rendall 4y ago

unsupp0rted 4y ago
> If the answer is "yes, no matter what happens, we can always be civil about the children I agree with you, although that's necessary but not sufficient. Having children isn't so wonderful that I'd put up for decades with a miserable relationship with my partner in the endeavor. With children in the mix, especially unhealthy children who require special support, you can't just say "looks like we've grown apart and can't communicate well anymore about even the basics, so cya". It's a lifelong commitment to a cofounder, no matter what.
- rendall 4y ago
  > Having children isn't so wonderful that I'd put up for decades with a miserable relationship with my partner in the endeavor. Agreed, but that's not what I said nor even implied. If you're insisting on staying together for decades, and happily so to boot, that is a very high bar indeed. Such a high bar that only very few couples manage it. Few couples even manage the LVB. No. If you want to have kids, you have to know that even if you divorce, even horribly, even catastrophically, that you can have a civil conversation as needed about the child for at least 20 years. If you're not sure, don't do it. Do not have a child. Spare the children and the world your children.