6 ms·

Why so? Even companies that have dating rules codified, like Google, have no issue with you asking out someone, at least once. Being rejected and accepting it

Why so? Even companies that have dating rules codified, like Google, have no issue with you asking out someone, at least once. Being rejected and accepting it shouldn't lead to the end of your career. Or am I missing something?

ezequiel-garzon 4y ago
Being an SNL bit, this clearly is an exaggeration… but I feel it’s referring to the same principle: https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8 https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8
unsupp0rted 4y ago
Codified dating rules at companies are for people attractive enough that being asked out by them is flattering. Being asked out by unattractive people is creepy harassment in what is supposed to be a safe space, even if they only ask once and politely accept rejection. An unattractive man asking out a woman from work is taking a 10x or 100x career risk compared to a very attractive man asking out a woman from work.
- Joeri 4y ago
  Do you know someone unattractive who had this happen to them? I’m wondering how prevalent the situation you’re describing is.
  - timeon 4y ago
    I do not know anyone who is not attractive at least in some way.
- DeWilde 4y ago
  Define attractiveness please, it is a bit of an ambiguous term. My definition of attractiveness includes behavior, and the only unattractive behavior that might put your career at risk is if you ask people out in extremely awkward ways or don't handle rejection well. Otherwise there should be no career risk to stating interest in getting to know a person more that you find interesting.
  - unsupp0rted 4y ago
    Attractive = somebody I’m flattered to be approached by Unattractive = somebody who should know I’m way out of their league and since they don’t it’s creepy and slightly embarrassing to me that they’re trying to get a shot
    - arcturus17 4y ago
      I got past that when I was like 20. If someone asks me out now and I don’t find them attractive I’m not embarrassed in the slightest and I can graciously say no to them.
    - matthewmacleod 4y ago
      This is properly embarrassing incel-tier stuff dude, and it’s not good for you. The more you repeat it, the more you will start to believe it, and the more you will start to act in a way that telegraphs your self-image to others. There’s nothing less attractive than a guy who—regardless of physical appearance—is unaware of the “nice guy” vibes they are projecting. You do you, but I’d wager if you get off of the internet and talk to some human beings without “trying to get a shot” you’ll be way happier.
      - unsupp0rted 4y ago
        Another commenter posted the same concept in the form of an SNL skit. https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8 https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8 The reason that skit is funny and relatable is because it doesn’t take an incel to recognize this nuance of women’s reactions to being approached by two different classes of men.
    - pmoriarty 4y ago
      "Unattractive = somebody who should know I’m way out of their league and since they don’t it’s creepy and slightly embarrassing to me that they’re trying to get a shot" I wonder why I keep seeing couples where one of them is super attractive and the other is the opposite. Sure, sometimes it's simply prostitution, but many times it's not. I've also met quite a few very attractive women who've told me that the way a guy looks is not nearly as important to them as their personality... and judging by the guys they've dated, that's true.
- sokoloff 4y ago
  10 or 100 times epsilon? Maybe.
- UntitledNo4 4y ago
  Maybe it's me, but I think that approaching someone you've never spoken to and asking them out is creepy. Regardless of the setting. I would never go to anyone in the gym, or at the shops, or even at a bar and ask them, "hey, do you fancy going out with me?" as the first question. You start chatting to someone, you gauge their reaction, the chemistry between you, and take it from there if you feel that there is interest from the other side as well. It's probably better if you don't even ask them out on your first chat or the first day. I wouldn't think it's a career risk to start chatting to someone at work, unless you continue doing so even after they've shown signs that they are not interested in talking to you, and then they're definitely not interested in dating you either. I'm a gay man, who goes out pretty often, and although we gays are much more direct with each other, I have never gone up to someone and asked "do you want to go out with me?" or had someone ask me that as a first question. That would be weird even for us, who are okay with going to the dark room with someone we've only met three minutes before.
  - bradlys 4y ago
    No one asks this as a first question… That is a strawman. The situation is that you’re thinking there could be interest and are unsure. A lot of women are extremely reserved and as a straight man - anything short of a blatant no is not enough to stop because women don’t like to reveal their position often. A common story is a woman to completely ignore or harass a man and then later ask her friends, “do you think he likes me? God, he’s so attractive.” Many women will do anything they can to avoid showing how they feel about someone because they’re incredibly afraid of rejection. (Mainly cause most women never actually have to overcome rejection - men do it for them) Dating women is much different than men. It’s very different. All the gay men in my life are endlessly perplexed by the stories they hear from their straight male friends.
bragh 4y ago
It is quite simple: if someone does not have any sucess in OLD or outside work, then how come they are thinking that they will have something different going for them in the workplace?
- throwaway290 4y ago
  Many people don't care to engage in explicitly relationship-seeking activities, which includes going to clubs and bars, mixers for singles, online dating and such. Some see it as an obvious signal of desperation/undesirableness. If I have to resort to this, it implies no one among my peers whom I already see every day because I study or work or live next to them or hang out with their friends etc. is willing to have a relationship with me. (Or they were but then dumped me. Or my standards are idealistic and any real person I know sufficiently well will fall short, guaranteeing a short or dysfunctional relationship for you. Or I am in a relationship and am dishonest to my partner. Most explanations would not be in my favor, except maybe if I lead a solitary life without much social contact and that also begs the question why (unemployed? nomadic? etc.))
- DeWilde 4y ago
  Maybe the set of behaviors the exude at work are attractive to other people they share the workplace with? Especially seeing they already have a big thing in common-place they spend a lot of time at.
  - bragh 4y ago
    This completely ignores the physical attractiveness side of things...
    - DeWilde 4y ago
      Yes, as it isn't a big factor in determining the behavior if the approach. You probably see, from time to time, couples really unequal in term of physical attraction so it isn't impossible to be with someone who is more physically attractive than you.
giantg2 4y ago
Asking once and being rejected is probably the best outcome. The problems start when the relationship ends, if it ends badly. Maybe you can take that chance if you know the coworker isn't into gossip/drama/etc and is mature about stuff. But for the love God, why would anyone suggest asking out your new coworker who you don't even know a little bit. Risk piled on more risk...
- sokoloff 4y ago
  This was 20 years ago, but I can 100% not recommend dating the only person in HR and then someone else from the same ~50-person company immediately after.

ezequiel-garzon 4y ago

Being an SNL bit, this clearly is an exaggeration… but I feel it’s referring to the same principle: https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8 https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8

unsupp0rted 4y ago

Codified dating rules at companies are for people attractive enough that being asked out by them is flattering. Being asked out by unattractive people is creepy harassment in what is supposed to be a safe space, even if they only ask once and politely accept rejection. An unattractive man asking out a woman from work is taking a 10x or 100x career risk compared to a very attractive man asking out a woman from work.

Joeri 4y ago
Do you know someone unattractive who had this happen to them? I’m wondering how prevalent the situation you’re describing is.
- timeon 4y ago
  I do not know anyone who is not attractive at least in some way.
DeWilde 4y ago
Define attractiveness please, it is a bit of an ambiguous term. My definition of attractiveness includes behavior, and the only unattractive behavior that might put your career at risk is if you ask people out in extremely awkward ways or don't handle rejection well. Otherwise there should be no career risk to stating interest in getting to know a person more that you find interesting.
- unsupp0rted 4y ago
  Attractive = somebody I’m flattered to be approached by Unattractive = somebody who should know I’m way out of their league and since they don’t it’s creepy and slightly embarrassing to me that they’re trying to get a shot
  - arcturus17 4y ago
    I got past that when I was like 20. If someone asks me out now and I don’t find them attractive I’m not embarrassed in the slightest and I can graciously say no to them.
  - matthewmacleod 4y ago
    This is properly embarrassing incel-tier stuff dude, and it’s not good for you. The more you repeat it, the more you will start to believe it, and the more you will start to act in a way that telegraphs your self-image to others. There’s nothing less attractive than a guy who—regardless of physical appearance—is unaware of the “nice guy” vibes they are projecting. You do you, but I’d wager if you get off of the internet and talk to some human beings without “trying to get a shot” you’ll be way happier.
    - unsupp0rted 4y ago
      Another commenter posted the same concept in the form of an SNL skit. https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8 https://youtu.be/PxuUkYiaUc8 The reason that skit is funny and relatable is because it doesn’t take an incel to recognize this nuance of women’s reactions to being approached by two different classes of men.
  - pmoriarty 4y ago
    "Unattractive = somebody who should know I’m way out of their league and since they don’t it’s creepy and slightly embarrassing to me that they’re trying to get a shot" I wonder why I keep seeing couples where one of them is super attractive and the other is the opposite. Sure, sometimes it's simply prostitution, but many times it's not. I've also met quite a few very attractive women who've told me that the way a guy looks is not nearly as important to them as their personality... and judging by the guys they've dated, that's true.
sokoloff 4y ago
10 or 100 times epsilon? Maybe.
UntitledNo4 4y ago
Maybe it's me, but I think that approaching someone you've never spoken to and asking them out is creepy. Regardless of the setting. I would never go to anyone in the gym, or at the shops, or even at a bar and ask them, "hey, do you fancy going out with me?" as the first question. You start chatting to someone, you gauge their reaction, the chemistry between you, and take it from there if you feel that there is interest from the other side as well. It's probably better if you don't even ask them out on your first chat or the first day. I wouldn't think it's a career risk to start chatting to someone at work, unless you continue doing so even after they've shown signs that they are not interested in talking to you, and then they're definitely not interested in dating you either. I'm a gay man, who goes out pretty often, and although we gays are much more direct with each other, I have never gone up to someone and asked "do you want to go out with me?" or had someone ask me that as a first question. That would be weird even for us, who are okay with going to the dark room with someone we've only met three minutes before.
- bradlys 4y ago
  No one asks this as a first question… That is a strawman. The situation is that you’re thinking there could be interest and are unsure. A lot of women are extremely reserved and as a straight man - anything short of a blatant no is not enough to stop because women don’t like to reveal their position often. A common story is a woman to completely ignore or harass a man and then later ask her friends, “do you think he likes me? God, he’s so attractive.” Many women will do anything they can to avoid showing how they feel about someone because they’re incredibly afraid of rejection. (Mainly cause most women never actually have to overcome rejection - men do it for them) Dating women is much different than men. It’s very different. All the gay men in my life are endlessly perplexed by the stories they hear from their straight male friends.

bragh 4y ago

It is quite simple: if someone does not have any sucess in OLD or outside work, then how come they are thinking that they will have something different going for them in the workplace?

throwaway290 4y ago
Many people don't care to engage in explicitly relationship-seeking activities, which includes going to clubs and bars, mixers for singles, online dating and such. Some see it as an obvious signal of desperation/undesirableness. If I have to resort to this, it implies no one among my peers whom I already see every day because I study or work or live next to them or hang out with their friends etc. is willing to have a relationship with me. (Or they were but then dumped me. Or my standards are idealistic and any real person I know sufficiently well will fall short, guaranteeing a short or dysfunctional relationship for you. Or I am in a relationship and am dishonest to my partner. Most explanations would not be in my favor, except maybe if I lead a solitary life without much social contact and that also begs the question why (unemployed? nomadic? etc.))
DeWilde 4y ago
Maybe the set of behaviors the exude at work are attractive to other people they share the workplace with? Especially seeing they already have a big thing in common-place they spend a lot of time at.
- bragh 4y ago
  This completely ignores the physical attractiveness side of things...
  - DeWilde 4y ago
    Yes, as it isn't a big factor in determining the behavior if the approach. You probably see, from time to time, couples really unequal in term of physical attraction so it isn't impossible to be with someone who is more physically attractive than you.

giantg2 4y ago

Asking once and being rejected is probably the best outcome. The problems start when the relationship ends, if it ends badly. Maybe you can take that chance if you know the coworker isn't into gossip/drama/etc and is mature about stuff. But for the love God, why would anyone suggest asking out your new coworker who you don't even know a little bit. Risk piled on more risk...

sokoloff 4y ago
This was 20 years ago, but I can 100% not recommend dating the only person in HR and then someone else from the same ~50-person company immediately after.