4 ms·

Not caring what others think doesn’t mean you can’t “fit in.” Of course it sure doesn’t sound like that’s what she meant, but it’s still solid advice, I think.

by nkrisc 4y ago

Not caring what others think doesn’t mean you can’t “fit in.” Of course it sure doesn’t sound like that’s what she meant, but it’s still solid advice, I think. I do lots of things that basically boil down to “social lubricant.” I really don’t care what most other people think, but I still “play nice” when it’s low-cost and easy because makes everything easier. I won’t go out of my way or expend too much effort to please others though. I’ll make socially acceptable small-talk but I’m not going to bother with designer clothes and fancy cars to fit in.

JKCalhoun 4y ago
It was also advice to Feynman from his wife, “What do you care what other people think?” :-)
- checkyoursudo 4y ago
  I think this should also not be seen as free-reign to be an asshole. I live by a similar creed, but it is more nuanced. I like to tell my children that they should not care about what other people think about who my children are as people, but that they should comport themselves in society with kindness and sincerity because that is the right way to behave. Like, I literally could not care any less about what people think about who I am. I am just me, and I am fine with that. But I try, for my own sake, to be trustworthy, honorable, kind, and just. The problem is when people take this mentality and justify it to act like a total dickbag.
  - huevosabio 4y ago
    Yes, exactly, you behave properly because it's how you would like to be treated and because it is the right thing to do. And ideally you behave well independently of whether the other party doesn't.
- Nomentatus 4y ago
  I always interpret the word "think" in the phrase "Why do you care what other people think?” to mean "Feel free to ignore others' conclusions", and never "Feel free to ignore others' knowledge or data." By all means find out why others think X (if you think there is a reason they are capable of enunciating, and that they might be conscious of it, which is not nec the common case.)
borroka 4y ago
"I don't care what others think" always sounds like a coping mechanism, a last resort, an out-of-balance response to past insecurities and people-pleasing, as evidenced in this comment by dated references to designer clothes and fancy cars. If I have a boss, shouldn't I worry about what they think of me? If I have a spouse, a partner, a child, shouldn't I worry about what they think of me? Now, I know, the usual clarification is about "not worrying about what people who are not your spouse, your child, your parent, your boss think about you" or "not changing our habits to fit in." Which, of course, is about as unfair as it gets. Sure, if I'm invited to a fancy restaurant, I can show up in shorts and espadrilles because "I'm not going to change my comfortable clothes anyway, if they don't like them they can go for a hike," or maybe I could change my ways to fit in because I care what they think of me, not that they boss me around like a dog, but I understand that I live in a society, other people occupy the same space as me, we share what ecologists call a "niche." And I have opinions about other people. Between being a sheep, a formidable animal by the way, and looking like an obnoxious "I don't care what other people think of me" character, there is a huge space in which one can live a life of independent thought and social awareness. It was called elegance.
- nkrisc 4y ago
  > as evidenced in this comment by dated references to designer clothes and fancy cars. I think you ought to reevaluate your ability to read people from such limited comments and remarks. It’s not as honed as you might think, as evidenced by this comment. I do not care what other people think about me. I can not control what others think, nor can I ever know it. Instead, I care about the things I can control: how I behave with others, what my relationship is with them, what I think of them, what I do. I don’t waste my time imagining what others might be thinking about me, because I can’t know. All I can do is listen to what they say, watch what they do, and choose my response accordingly. Caring about what others think is a fool’s errand because you can never know what they think. And you can’t know if what they say is what they think. > "I don't care what others think" always sounds like a coping mechanism, a last resort, an out-of-balance response to past insecurities and people-pleasing, as evidenced in this comment by dated references to designer clothes and fancy cars. You are so far off the mark. You don’t know me. You don’t know what I think. Don’t try to guess.

by nkrisc 4y ago

JKCalhoun 4y ago

It was also advice to Feynman from his wife, “What do you care what other people think?” :-)

checkyoursudo 4y ago
I think this should also not be seen as free-reign to be an asshole. I live by a similar creed, but it is more nuanced. I like to tell my children that they should not care about what other people think about who my children are as people, but that they should comport themselves in society with kindness and sincerity because that is the right way to behave. Like, I literally could not care any less about what people think about who I am. I am just me, and I am fine with that. But I try, for my own sake, to be trustworthy, honorable, kind, and just. The problem is when people take this mentality and justify it to act like a total dickbag.
- huevosabio 4y ago
  Yes, exactly, you behave properly because it's how you would like to be treated and because it is the right thing to do. And ideally you behave well independently of whether the other party doesn't.
Nomentatus 4y ago
I always interpret the word "think" in the phrase "Why do you care what other people think?” to mean "Feel free to ignore others' conclusions", and never "Feel free to ignore others' knowledge or data." By all means find out why others think X (if you think there is a reason they are capable of enunciating, and that they might be conscious of it, which is not nec the common case.)

borroka 4y ago

"I don't care what others think" always sounds like a coping mechanism, a last resort, an out-of-balance response to past insecurities and people-pleasing, as evidenced in this comment by dated references to designer clothes and fancy cars. If I have a boss, shouldn't I worry about what they think of me? If I have a spouse, a partner, a child, shouldn't I worry about what they think of me? Now, I know, the usual clarification is about "not worrying about what people who are not your spouse, your child, your parent, your boss think about you" or "not changing our habits to fit in." Which, of course, is about as unfair as it gets. Sure, if I'm invited to a fancy restaurant, I can show up in shorts and espadrilles because "I'm not going to change my comfortable clothes anyway, if they don't like them they can go for a hike," or maybe I could change my ways to fit in because I care what they think of me, not that they boss me around like a dog, but I understand that I live in a society, other people occupy the same space as me, we share what ecologists call a "niche." And I have opinions about other people. Between being a sheep, a formidable animal by the way, and looking like an obnoxious "I don't care what other people think of me" character, there is a huge space in which one can live a life of independent thought and social awareness. It was called elegance.

nkrisc 4y ago
> as evidenced in this comment by dated references to designer clothes and fancy cars. I think you ought to reevaluate your ability to read people from such limited comments and remarks. It’s not as honed as you might think, as evidenced by this comment. I do not care what other people think about me. I can not control what others think, nor can I ever know it. Instead, I care about the things I can control: how I behave with others, what my relationship is with them, what I think of them, what I do. I don’t waste my time imagining what others might be thinking about me, because I can’t know. All I can do is listen to what they say, watch what they do, and choose my response accordingly. Caring about what others think is a fool’s errand because you can never know what they think. And you can’t know if what they say is what they think. > "I don't care what others think" always sounds like a coping mechanism, a last resort, an out-of-balance response to past insecurities and people-pleasing, as evidenced in this comment by dated references to designer clothes and fancy cars. You are so far off the mark. You don’t know me. You don’t know what I think. Don’t try to guess.