6 ms·

So what's the working theory here? Does the shrinkage allow new attachments to grow, essentially a "re-wiring" that causes the mother and father to focus on the

by STRML 4y ago

So what's the working theory here? Does the shrinkage allow new attachments to grow, essentially a "re-wiring" that causes the mother and father to focus on the child more than the rest of their lives? Anecdotally, I feel that experience; consequently, business tasks have become much harder. I don't believe it'll be anything more than temporary, but it is certainly substantial.

arcanus 4y ago
> Anecdotally, I feel that experience; consequently, business tasks have become much harder. Interesting. My experience was the opposite. After the initial sleep deprivation, once our child was sleep trained, I achieved a new level of productivity in my life. Before children, I wasn't as focused. Now, I'm more efficient. The knowledge I have a break coming where I know I'll be giving my family my undivided attention helps motivate me through the day.
- notch656a 4y ago
  I became more productive, although less efficient. Kids really fuck with after-hours efficiency. There's always the knowledge that if I fail to maintain a job, it is statistically associated with divorce, and that divorce is statistically associated with child support, and that child support is statistically associated with prison and revocation of passport/property/licenses keep me going. If I fail to be productive enough I will be tossed in jail, that wasn't really the case before. But unlike some other people, I lived an exceedingly free (and low-cost) life before children, often just being homeless and hitch-hiking around the country, fighting for foreign militia, spending months living in forest or hiking trails, etc.
  - glitchc 4y ago
    Sounds like a tough relationship. You’re more than a meal ticket, you know.
  - Aeolun 4y ago
    Huh? I became much less productive, but much more efficient. Need to make the most of the two hours a day you have to yourself.
    - brnt 4y ago
      Where are you getting two hours a day for yourself? We have two hours a day between kid bed time and our own, and we spend it being exhausted or together (or else we'd be total strangers real soon). I'm happy to manage 2 hours a week.
      - Aeolun 4y ago
        After kids go to bed at 10’ish. We spend all the weekend together, the week is for me-time.
  - cplusplusfellow 4y ago
    > if I fail to maintain a job, it is statistically associated with divorce But heaven forbid you expect your wife to keep up the pretenses set when you married her.
    - cplusplusfellow 4y ago
      The white knights in this thread downvoting me. Pathetic.
- nerbert 4y ago
  Same here. I feel like by having obligatory daily deadlines and processes imposed on me every day, together with the sleep deprivation, made me 200% more focused on what really matters, what is a good process, see what can be improved and what is the core of each task I'm trying to achieve (definition of done).
- ska 4y ago
  I think this isn’t really specific to having children - most people don’t become efficient until they have to. For many people the first time they have had strong enough time constraints is having children, but it might another family responsibility, a big outsidemof work commitment, or even a job or graduate degree in a high performance environment where you face sink or swim. Nothing generates focus like “I have this exact 45 minutes to do X this week, or it isn’t going to happen”. For good and Ill, I suppose .
- seiferteric 4y ago
  How do we know the sleep deprivation isn't the cause of the shrinkage? Not everyone's experience is the same, but ours was pretty bad for the first 6 months or so. Even now at 18 months we wake up usually once a night. I would not be surprised if this has an effect on my brain. That being said, I do feel my brain was "rewired" in a sense, that before I was not a baby person at all, but now I do really appreciate not just my baby but others.
  - serf 4y ago
    >How do we know the sleep deprivation isn't the cause of the shrinkage? I think that's a valid question -- one likes to assume that it's some adaptability trait, but the reality is that it could just as well be evidence of sub-standard conditions facilitated by the scenario.
- moltar 4y ago
  Thank you for sharing. Exactly my experience as well. Laser focus post first child is in god mode.
ianai 4y ago
Back pain and other chronic pains have been linked to decreased brain size too. My working understanding is brains change like the rest of us - both good and bad ways.
rayiner 4y ago
The fuzziness is temporary, but it lasted at least a year per kid for me.
- rootusrootus 4y ago
  I was going to say this. I did feel remarkably stupid for a while after each kid was born. But they're 10 and 12 now, and I feel back to 100%. They require a lot less constant supervision now, which I imagine has a lot to do with it.
onlyrealcuzzo 4y ago
As all of my friends start to have kids, I'm noticing that they are basically completely different people. It's almost as if 90% of their brain is dedicated solely to making sure their children are safe and looked after. It's like - at any moment - they think their children could just spontaneously combust or something. And I'm not talking infants. These are like 3 & 4 year olds... As a non-parent, this is so bizarre. We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine. I'm not sure if this is what's always happened to people when they become parents or if it's something new. But the complete irrationality of their constant fears - something MUST have happened to their brains.
- SamoyedFurFluff 4y ago
  Honestly at 3 & 4 children will do the wildest stuff and I wouldn’t be surprised a parent has a head on a swivel for stupid kid nonsense at that point, by 4 you have a bachelors degree in “my child will handle/eat animal shit for no reason”. Children at that age are not capable of rational thinking, emotional regulation, and have no real sense of danger or stakes.
  - Waterluvian 4y ago
    One of my favourite moments of fatherhood was at a playground this summer. Someone’s kid was doing something precarious on the monkey bars as I sat quietly with other dads minding our own business. The girl began to wobble and myself and two other dads, without coordination or communication all instinctively began to lunge towards her (maybe 15 feet away). We barely got two steps before we harnessed ourselves, noticed what happened and had a laugh. Then went back to being hermits. I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other.
    - mehphp 4y ago
      > I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other. I mean, we kind of are, right?
StanislavPetrov 4y ago
Other than any sort of epigenetic change, and without any sort of clinical evidence whatsoever, I wouldn't be surprised if it was somehow linked with the almost universal sleep deprivation associated with having an infant.

by STRML 4y ago

arcanus 4y ago

> Anecdotally, I feel that experience; consequently, business tasks have become much harder. Interesting. My experience was the opposite. After the initial sleep deprivation, once our child was sleep trained, I achieved a new level of productivity in my life. Before children, I wasn't as focused. Now, I'm more efficient. The knowledge I have a break coming where I know I'll be giving my family my undivided attention helps motivate me through the day.

notch656a 4y ago
I became more productive, although less efficient. Kids really fuck with after-hours efficiency. There's always the knowledge that if I fail to maintain a job, it is statistically associated with divorce, and that divorce is statistically associated with child support, and that child support is statistically associated with prison and revocation of passport/property/licenses keep me going. If I fail to be productive enough I will be tossed in jail, that wasn't really the case before. But unlike some other people, I lived an exceedingly free (and low-cost) life before children, often just being homeless and hitch-hiking around the country, fighting for foreign militia, spending months living in forest or hiking trails, etc.
- glitchc 4y ago
  Sounds like a tough relationship. You’re more than a meal ticket, you know.
- Aeolun 4y ago
  Huh? I became much less productive, but much more efficient. Need to make the most of the two hours a day you have to yourself.
  - brnt 4y ago
    Where are you getting two hours a day for yourself? We have two hours a day between kid bed time and our own, and we spend it being exhausted or together (or else we'd be total strangers real soon). I'm happy to manage 2 hours a week.
    - Aeolun 4y ago
      After kids go to bed at 10’ish. We spend all the weekend together, the week is for me-time.
- cplusplusfellow 4y ago
  > if I fail to maintain a job, it is statistically associated with divorce But heaven forbid you expect your wife to keep up the pretenses set when you married her.
  - cplusplusfellow 4y ago
    The white knights in this thread downvoting me. Pathetic.
nerbert 4y ago
Same here. I feel like by having obligatory daily deadlines and processes imposed on me every day, together with the sleep deprivation, made me 200% more focused on what really matters, what is a good process, see what can be improved and what is the core of each task I'm trying to achieve (definition of done).
ska 4y ago
I think this isn’t really specific to having children - most people don’t become efficient until they have to. For many people the first time they have had strong enough time constraints is having children, but it might another family responsibility, a big outsidemof work commitment, or even a job or graduate degree in a high performance environment where you face sink or swim. Nothing generates focus like “I have this exact 45 minutes to do X this week, or it isn’t going to happen”. For good and Ill, I suppose .
seiferteric 4y ago
How do we know the sleep deprivation isn't the cause of the shrinkage? Not everyone's experience is the same, but ours was pretty bad for the first 6 months or so. Even now at 18 months we wake up usually once a night. I would not be surprised if this has an effect on my brain. That being said, I do feel my brain was "rewired" in a sense, that before I was not a baby person at all, but now I do really appreciate not just my baby but others.
- serf 4y ago
  >How do we know the sleep deprivation isn't the cause of the shrinkage? I think that's a valid question -- one likes to assume that it's some adaptability trait, but the reality is that it could just as well be evidence of sub-standard conditions facilitated by the scenario.
moltar 4y ago
Thank you for sharing. Exactly my experience as well. Laser focus post first child is in god mode.

ianai 4y ago

Back pain and other chronic pains have been linked to decreased brain size too. My working understanding is brains change like the rest of us - both good and bad ways.

rayiner 4y ago

The fuzziness is temporary, but it lasted at least a year per kid for me.

rootusrootus 4y ago
I was going to say this. I did feel remarkably stupid for a while after each kid was born. But they're 10 and 12 now, and I feel back to 100%. They require a lot less constant supervision now, which I imagine has a lot to do with it.

onlyrealcuzzo 4y ago

As all of my friends start to have kids, I'm noticing that they are basically completely different people. It's almost as if 90% of their brain is dedicated solely to making sure their children are safe and looked after. It's like - at any moment - they think their children could just spontaneously combust or something. And I'm not talking infants. These are like 3 & 4 year olds... As a non-parent, this is so bizarre. We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine. I'm not sure if this is what's always happened to people when they become parents or if it's something new. But the complete irrationality of their constant fears - something MUST have happened to their brains.

SamoyedFurFluff 4y ago
Honestly at 3 & 4 children will do the wildest stuff and I wouldn’t be surprised a parent has a head on a swivel for stupid kid nonsense at that point, by 4 you have a bachelors degree in “my child will handle/eat animal shit for no reason”. Children at that age are not capable of rational thinking, emotional regulation, and have no real sense of danger or stakes.
- Waterluvian 4y ago
  One of my favourite moments of fatherhood was at a playground this summer. Someone’s kid was doing something precarious on the monkey bars as I sat quietly with other dads minding our own business. The girl began to wobble and myself and two other dads, without coordination or communication all instinctively began to lunge towards her (maybe 15 feet away). We barely got two steps before we harnessed ourselves, noticed what happened and had a laugh. Then went back to being hermits. I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other.
  - mehphp 4y ago
    > I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other. I mean, we kind of are, right?

StanislavPetrov 4y ago

Other than any sort of epigenetic change, and without any sort of clinical evidence whatsoever, I wouldn't be surprised if it was somehow linked with the almost universal sleep deprivation associated with having an infant.