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If anyone ever learns how to actually stop comparing themselves to others I'd love to hear it. Many of the most well-adjusted, pleasant people that I know still

If anyone ever learns how to actually stop comparing themselves to others I'd love to hear it. Many of the most well-adjusted, pleasant people that I know still compare themselves to others naturally, it feels like a subconscious behavior almost at the level of breathing or getting hungry. (I liked the article though)

hatware 4y ago
In my experience it is the ego that wants to compare. As I've gotten older I've noticed the comparisons have less jealousy and confusion, more envy and understanding of the complexity.
monting 4y ago
I'd say practicing non-dualism à la Zen Buddhism helps a lot. In short it helps see through preconceived (or any form of) notions, such that one doesn't become attached, including to the notion of becoming unattached itself. It points outs that the separation of our individual self from others can be seen as illusory, that we're all deeply connected. Sure my left arm is weaker than my right, but that doesn't make it "less important", and in fact thinking in such a way is preposterous. But might be useful in another context such as left/right balance for fitness.
shishy 4y ago
I think rather than focusing on "not comparing myself" to others in general I make sure I don't obsess over it when I do... it's kind of inevitable and not something I can perfectly stop doing, but I can certainly control not letting those thoughts overrun everything else I have going on.
Blackstone4 4y ago
My view is that we are human and comparison is a subconscious activity like you said. I feel one can become aware of when one is comparing and walk back from it. Being pleased for others people success is helpful here.
- caloique 4y ago
  Agree, I think it is impossible not to compare with others. I don't think you always have to "walk back from it", sometimes is good to achieve your goals, the challenge is doing it in a healthy way.
bheadmaster 4y ago
One way is to reject the idea of free will as an absolute. Every effect has a cause, and the causality chains extend from the beginning of time (assuming there is such a thing). Humans are part of nature, and the causality chains also control each and every human's actions and destiny. It's somewhat related to the Nietzsche's concept of Amor Fati: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it - all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary - but love it."
- sanitycheck 4y ago
  This is what I believe, but people who think free will exists seem generally happier so I don't try to convince anyone.
  - bheadmaster 4y ago
    Maybe. But perhaps the cause-effect relationship is inverted - perhaps generally happier people tend to think free will exists, because they never had a reason to doubt it? In contrast, people who are generally unhappier are the ones who are thinking about topics such as free will, determinism, etc. to try to make sense of the world. Sometimes it works, and makes them less unhappy - but they had to be unhappy in the first place to start thinking about it.
  - JohnFen 4y ago
    Free will may or may not exist. But believing in free will is incredibly useful.
baxtr 4y ago
When I'm in comparing mode, I use two "hacks": 1. If you compare yourself and envy someone, consider what you specifically envy. Then consider whether you are willing to change EVERYTHING with that person to get that one thing. Their parents, their childhood, their spouse, and so on. I always say no and move on. 2. Instead of comparing yourself upwards, compare yourself downwards. We frequently envy people who are more successful, wealthy, intelligent, and so on. But how many people envy you? How many people are actually less successful, less wealthy, or less intelligent? Most of the time it helps to calm me down.
- NhanH 4y ago
  There is a saying in Vietnamese roughly translated to “Looking upwards, I’m worse than everyone. Looking downwards, everyone is worse than me.” https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/trông_lên_thì_chẳng_bằng_ai,_trông_xuống_thì_cũng_chẳng_ai_bằng_mình https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/trông_lên_thì_chẳng_bằng_ai...
  - niemal_dev 4y ago
    And thus it is very wise to be grounded to the reality, however that is possible. Everyone is worse than me == superiority. Everyone is better than me == inferiority. Everyone does what they can and I should focus on what I can also, believing in myself and investing in my own growth == freedom.
  - danenania 4y ago
    Can't find a link, but there have been some studies on students and schools that show the students near the top of their class in not-so-great schools tend to be more successful than kids who are below average in elite schools, even if the latter have higher test scores. It really shows you the power of comparison and the importance of choosing the right pond for the size of fish you are.
- spaghettiToy 4y ago
- crackercrews 4y ago
sedeki 4y ago
Reminds me of French philosopher René Girard's (whom Peter Thiel talks much about) mimetic theory: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mimetic_theory https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mimetic_theory
tjs8rj 4y ago
What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? I came from a less fortunate background in some ways, and LinkedIn has been a godsend for me to compare myself to others and get to where I want to be: I just look people up who I’m really impressed by, see their history and combined with other research I find the patterns that got them where they are, and then develop goals for myself to surpass them. It’s almost like they’re my mentor and don’t even know it. I wouldn’t say I’m wildly successful now, but any time I encounter someone noticeably “more successful” along the axes I care about, there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? I’m way more accomplished than I was even just a year ago, and I find myself saying that every year. I’ve sold businesses, lead teams, received awards, and have accomplished things that just a few years ago seemed like a pinnacle of success because of this mindset. Comparing oneself to others is so powerful, especially now the availability of peoples background info basically makes it a labeled dataset for learning how to become “successful” in whatever way you define it. I think that’s always been the point of it biologically: if you’re worried you’re falling behind - fix it! The issue is the same as calorie counting: there’s a healthy way to do it and an unhealthy way. Most people compare themselves to others in the unhealthy way, so it’s unproductive and just anxiety-inducing. The healthy way uses that low level anxiety as a catalyst for action.
- cosmojg 4y ago
  > there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? Therein lies the rub. Many have not developed this skill, and it isn't taught anywhere. In American culture, when a person verbally relates or otherwise expresses their negative emotions experienced as a result of comparing themselves with others, most other people will respond with some variation of "don't worry about it," whether that's friendly reassurance that their worth lies elsewhere or a bit of patronizing admonishment for immaturely keeping up with the Joneses in the first place. Rarely are people handed a guide to using those feelings constructively. But yeah, learning to do so can get you quite far in life.
- unity1001 4y ago
  > What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? Because the society's standards are capricious, and they change almost every decade. They can even suddenly change in a single year. What is 'the place to be' a yesterday could be a place that people don't want to be tomorrow. What's 'cool' yesterday can be 'lame' tomorrow. If one builds his or her life on the society's changing perspective, he or she can easily end up unhappy in a decade or two, being in a place and situation which does not merit the effor that went into it to get it and keep it. The ideal is going in the direction which YOU want to go. Where YOU want to be. That's where all those 'inner drive' talk comes from. And they are right - in 10-20 years, all the people who had shaped the standards of the current society as adults or parents will be gone. The standards and perspectives will change. It happens every ~20 years. And when that happens, its better to have that 20 years lived by your own standards and drives than the ever-shifting societal standards.
AlwaysRock 4y ago
Eh. It depends on the context for me. I try to only compare me to me. An easy way to do that is to compare me to a ~6 month version of me. I started a job about 6 months ago. Comparing today me to that previous me is straightforward. I knew little about React when starting this job. Now I've shipped multiple react projects. I started doing bjj about 6 months ago. Its obvious to me that if I was wrestling against myself from 6 months ago it would be easy to beat myself. This becomes harder as you have more experience in something, comparing your 5.6 years of exp to your 5 years is less obvious than 6 month and 0 months, but its still possible if you are tracking your achievements. I have a "hype" doc where I write down my accomplishments every three weeks. Sometimes there are many. Sometimes there are only 1 or 2 things to note. Do I still feel very silly and incompetent when pairing with a significantly more senior engineer? Do I still get smashed by more experienced grapplers? Sure. But I dont have to dwell on it because I know I'm making progress of my own.
jensneuse 4y ago
How does a busy entrepreneur have time to compare themselves to others?
- crhulls 4y ago
  I am sure there is some strong correlation between drive, entrepreneurial success, an always-on churning mind, and insomnia. And lying in bed awake at night is a hard time to choose your own thoughts - it just happens.
anon_123g987 4y ago
Compare yourself to others every time you want, but always remember this Venn diagram: https://i.imgur.com/pVoiW0l.png https://i.imgur.com/pVoiW0l.png.
steve76 4y ago
mym1990 4y ago
I think there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to go about it. Suppressing the urge to compare ourselves to others seems like it would be counterproductive and energy intensive. Some people take it a step further though and use others as a hard reference point for themselves. The issue I see with this is that we pretty much never know what is going on with someone else past a surface level, and this behavior can mute our individualistic strengths as well. This isn't to say that having a reference point is not a good thing to have, role models can be a great thing. It is not difficult to imagine the best and worst version of yourself, and just use that as a spectrum for moving through life, imo.
mvaliente2001 4y ago
I've been reading The Courage To Be Disliked” about Adler's theories, and it's very interesting. According to him, we all have feelings of inferiority. It's normal and could even be healthy, it'll help us to improve. What's negative is the inferiority complex: when we internalise our feelings of inferiority and use them as an excuse to avoid changing. The idea of feelings of inferiority being a normal part of living is freeing, it helps to accept them.
throwaway1851 4y ago
I think the most important thing is to recognize that you can’t objectively assess others and you can’t objectively assess yourself if it’s something you care about. You may find yourself comparing anyway, but knowing that your “findings” have the credibility of an Elon Musk tweet helps to lower the stakes.

hatware 4y ago

In my experience it is the ego that wants to compare. As I've gotten older I've noticed the comparisons have less jealousy and confusion, more envy and understanding of the complexity.

monting 4y ago

I'd say practicing non-dualism à la Zen Buddhism helps a lot. In short it helps see through preconceived (or any form of) notions, such that one doesn't become attached, including to the notion of becoming unattached itself. It points outs that the separation of our individual self from others can be seen as illusory, that we're all deeply connected. Sure my left arm is weaker than my right, but that doesn't make it "less important", and in fact thinking in such a way is preposterous. But might be useful in another context such as left/right balance for fitness.

shishy 4y ago

I think rather than focusing on "not comparing myself" to others in general I make sure I don't obsess over it when I do... it's kind of inevitable and not something I can perfectly stop doing, but I can certainly control not letting those thoughts overrun everything else I have going on.

Blackstone4 4y ago

My view is that we are human and comparison is a subconscious activity like you said. I feel one can become aware of when one is comparing and walk back from it. Being pleased for others people success is helpful here.

caloique 4y ago
Agree, I think it is impossible not to compare with others. I don't think you always have to "walk back from it", sometimes is good to achieve your goals, the challenge is doing it in a healthy way.

bheadmaster 4y ago

One way is to reject the idea of free will as an absolute. Every effect has a cause, and the causality chains extend from the beginning of time (assuming there is such a thing). Humans are part of nature, and the causality chains also control each and every human's actions and destiny. It's somewhat related to the Nietzsche's concept of Amor Fati: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it - all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary - but love it."

sanitycheck 4y ago
This is what I believe, but people who think free will exists seem generally happier so I don't try to convince anyone.
- bheadmaster 4y ago
  Maybe. But perhaps the cause-effect relationship is inverted - perhaps generally happier people tend to think free will exists, because they never had a reason to doubt it? In contrast, people who are generally unhappier are the ones who are thinking about topics such as free will, determinism, etc. to try to make sense of the world. Sometimes it works, and makes them less unhappy - but they had to be unhappy in the first place to start thinking about it.
- JohnFen 4y ago
  Free will may or may not exist. But believing in free will is incredibly useful.

baxtr 4y ago

When I'm in comparing mode, I use two "hacks": 1. If you compare yourself and envy someone, consider what you specifically envy. Then consider whether you are willing to change EVERYTHING with that person to get that one thing. Their parents, their childhood, their spouse, and so on. I always say no and move on. 2. Instead of comparing yourself upwards, compare yourself downwards. We frequently envy people who are more successful, wealthy, intelligent, and so on. But how many people envy you? How many people are actually less successful, less wealthy, or less intelligent? Most of the time it helps to calm me down.

NhanH 4y ago
There is a saying in Vietnamese roughly translated to “Looking upwards, I’m worse than everyone. Looking downwards, everyone is worse than me.” https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/trông_lên_thì_chẳng_bằng_ai,_trông_xuống_thì_cũng_chẳng_ai_bằng_mình https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/trông_lên_thì_chẳng_bằng_ai...
- niemal_dev 4y ago
  And thus it is very wise to be grounded to the reality, however that is possible. Everyone is worse than me == superiority. Everyone is better than me == inferiority. Everyone does what they can and I should focus on what I can also, believing in myself and investing in my own growth == freedom.
- danenania 4y ago
  Can't find a link, but there have been some studies on students and schools that show the students near the top of their class in not-so-great schools tend to be more successful than kids who are below average in elite schools, even if the latter have higher test scores. It really shows you the power of comparison and the importance of choosing the right pond for the size of fish you are.
spaghettiToy 4y ago
crackercrews 4y ago

sedeki 4y ago

Reminds me of French philosopher René Girard's (whom Peter Thiel talks much about) mimetic theory: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mimetic_theory https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mimetic_theory

tjs8rj 4y ago

What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? I came from a less fortunate background in some ways, and LinkedIn has been a godsend for me to compare myself to others and get to where I want to be: I just look people up who I’m really impressed by, see their history and combined with other research I find the patterns that got them where they are, and then develop goals for myself to surpass them. It’s almost like they’re my mentor and don’t even know it. I wouldn’t say I’m wildly successful now, but any time I encounter someone noticeably “more successful” along the axes I care about, there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? I’m way more accomplished than I was even just a year ago, and I find myself saying that every year. I’ve sold businesses, lead teams, received awards, and have accomplished things that just a few years ago seemed like a pinnacle of success because of this mindset. Comparing oneself to others is so powerful, especially now the availability of peoples background info basically makes it a labeled dataset for learning how to become “successful” in whatever way you define it. I think that’s always been the point of it biologically: if you’re worried you’re falling behind - fix it! The issue is the same as calorie counting: there’s a healthy way to do it and an unhealthy way. Most people compare themselves to others in the unhealthy way, so it’s unproductive and just anxiety-inducing. The healthy way uses that low level anxiety as a catalyst for action.

cosmojg 4y ago
> there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? Therein lies the rub. Many have not developed this skill, and it isn't taught anywhere. In American culture, when a person verbally relates or otherwise expresses their negative emotions experienced as a result of comparing themselves with others, most other people will respond with some variation of "don't worry about it," whether that's friendly reassurance that their worth lies elsewhere or a bit of patronizing admonishment for immaturely keeping up with the Joneses in the first place. Rarely are people handed a guide to using those feelings constructively. But yeah, learning to do so can get you quite far in life.
unity1001 4y ago
> What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? Because the society's standards are capricious, and they change almost every decade. They can even suddenly change in a single year. What is 'the place to be' a yesterday could be a place that people don't want to be tomorrow. What's 'cool' yesterday can be 'lame' tomorrow. If one builds his or her life on the society's changing perspective, he or she can easily end up unhappy in a decade or two, being in a place and situation which does not merit the effor that went into it to get it and keep it. The ideal is going in the direction which YOU want to go. Where YOU want to be. That's where all those 'inner drive' talk comes from. And they are right - in 10-20 years, all the people who had shaped the standards of the current society as adults or parents will be gone. The standards and perspectives will change. It happens every ~20 years. And when that happens, its better to have that 20 years lived by your own standards and drives than the ever-shifting societal standards.

AlwaysRock 4y ago

Eh. It depends on the context for me. I try to only compare me to me. An easy way to do that is to compare me to a ~6 month version of me. I started a job about 6 months ago. Comparing today me to that previous me is straightforward. I knew little about React when starting this job. Now I've shipped multiple react projects. I started doing bjj about 6 months ago. Its obvious to me that if I was wrestling against myself from 6 months ago it would be easy to beat myself. This becomes harder as you have more experience in something, comparing your 5.6 years of exp to your 5 years is less obvious than 6 month and 0 months, but its still possible if you are tracking your achievements. I have a "hype" doc where I write down my accomplishments every three weeks. Sometimes there are many. Sometimes there are only 1 or 2 things to note. Do I still feel very silly and incompetent when pairing with a significantly more senior engineer? Do I still get smashed by more experienced grapplers? Sure. But I dont have to dwell on it because I know I'm making progress of my own.

jensneuse 4y ago

How does a busy entrepreneur have time to compare themselves to others?

crhulls 4y ago
I am sure there is some strong correlation between drive, entrepreneurial success, an always-on churning mind, and insomnia. And lying in bed awake at night is a hard time to choose your own thoughts - it just happens.

anon_123g987 4y ago

Compare yourself to others every time you want, but always remember this Venn diagram: https://i.imgur.com/pVoiW0l.png https://i.imgur.com/pVoiW0l.png.

steve76 4y ago

mym1990 4y ago

I think there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way to go about it. Suppressing the urge to compare ourselves to others seems like it would be counterproductive and energy intensive. Some people take it a step further though and use others as a hard reference point for themselves. The issue I see with this is that we pretty much never know what is going on with someone else past a surface level, and this behavior can mute our individualistic strengths as well. This isn't to say that having a reference point is not a good thing to have, role models can be a great thing. It is not difficult to imagine the best and worst version of yourself, and just use that as a spectrum for moving through life, imo.

mvaliente2001 4y ago

I've been reading The Courage To Be Disliked” about Adler's theories, and it's very interesting. According to him, we all have feelings of inferiority. It's normal and could even be healthy, it'll help us to improve. What's negative is the inferiority complex: when we internalise our feelings of inferiority and use them as an excuse to avoid changing. The idea of feelings of inferiority being a normal part of living is freeing, it helps to accept them.

throwaway1851 4y ago

I think the most important thing is to recognize that you can’t objectively assess others and you can’t objectively assess yourself if it’s something you care about. You may find yourself comparing anyway, but knowing that your “findings” have the credibility of an Elon Musk tweet helps to lower the stakes.