5 ms·

Startups say the darndest things

175 points by niklas_a 15y ago

jsavimbi 15y ago
They'd be better off prefacing each statement with "We wish ..." as it would sound a lot more sincere. To be honest, the descriptions that stand out most to me are "we have X problem within Y context and we need a solution that will solve Z for us. Can you focus on it exclusively for six months?" Those usually turn out to be the most interesting problems to work on and will probably not attract people who are just interested because of the company is in a particular industry segment or focusing on a certain technology. Work hard, play hard? You're probably doing neither and your holiday parties suck. edited: "not attract"
- glimcat 15y ago
  A job post needs to tell me what problem you're trying to solve by hiring and why I should care about your problem. The overwhelming majority of job posts completely fail to outline a clear value proposition.
  - jsavimbi 15y ago
    I'm trying to solve my voodoo value problem and by hiring you I can massage my pre-money numbers and get a tax break for R&D. Want the job?
  - caw 15y ago
    I agree with this. I already had a few of these buzzwords on my list for job postings to avoid. "Work hard play hard" - Yep, the author's right "Significant Equity" - I guess I've read too much HN to know that that's nothing "Pre-revenue" - Entirely too much risk to leave your current job to go to; maybe if you were between jobs. The last thing I avoid is the list of perks that make it seem like your life is work. Sure, perks are nice, but not so I can all my time there. I got a tour of Palantir, and I'm like "This is really sweet." Then I got to their nap time room, where you can sleep for a bit when you're pulling an all nighter. I drew the line there because the way it was positioned was too strongly implying you must spend all your waking hours at work, and then some.
Geekette 15y ago
Funneh. Particularly enjoyed “We’ve got great backing" as = "We managed to convince VCs to give us money but we haven’t convinced any actual customers to do so".
billpatrianakos 15y ago
Definitely funny, entertaining, and there's a case to be made that its true a lot of times. I don't know how to feel about it though. On the one hand I'm hoping it was a joke and nothing more as there are some good apples out there but then I also remember that there are a bazillion little startups that are just either clueless, incompetent, or decent but overhyped and overfunded.
- gridspy 15y ago
  Don't forget decent but obscure.
localhost3000 15y ago
This seems to be the new trend on HN job posts: "we're xyz ycomb company. we're solving extremely difficult technical problems! [end]" ...yes, routing all those lunch orders must be a real pain...
- anrope 15y ago
  Yeah this is driving me nuts. It feels like a lot of companies are throwing around the same catchphrases, when instead they should be describing what they actually do or need done.
  - felipemnoa 15y ago
    One catch phrase that seems to be on decline is rock star.
keiferski 15y ago
"Pre-revenue" seems like such a ridiculous term. It should only be used post-revenue to describe the period of time...pre-revenue. Unless, of course, that every startup founder is a pre-billionaire. ;P
- jpwagner 15y ago
  ...looking for a pre-fired software engineer
- pagekalisedown 15y ago
  That's just standard corporate-speak. Take anything negative and give it a positive spin. We don't lose money, we're pre-profitable. ;)
rokhayakebe 15y ago
The "You will get a chance to shape the product" translation is way too funny. Definitely gives a different perspective.
CPlatypus 15y ago
"All-star technical team" = "Each developer will tell you the others are stars. Perspectives from outside the circle might differ."
beagledude 15y ago
this is sadly extremely accurate the disruptive part especially
d_r 15y ago
While not mentioned in the article, one annoying phrase that has emerged recently is "X for Y". "An AirBnB for music." "A Yelp for wedding dresses." To me this speaks: "We aren't able to clearly explain what we do, but here's this other well-known company that solves a similar problem in a different market. We'll piggy-back from the recognition of their name. Look at us, look at them, and try to make a connection."
- niklas_a 15y ago
  Haha, I agree. I've never understood why defining your company in relation to another company makes sense. If you have a good business idea your company should be able to stand by itself.
  - run4yourlives 15y ago
    You answered your own question. If you don't have a good business idea (or if yours is underdeveloped) you try to create a connection with something a person might already feel positive about.
- tycho77 15y ago
  Cheap shot. You can't win with this one. You know what would happen if they described the product in a vacuum? The top comment on the HN thread would be "Basically, it's like an X for Y."
  - andrewflnr 15y ago
    I guess, but ideally, you can describe yourself with actual verbs, and leave the pat generalizations to HN commenters.
  - run4yourlives 15y ago
    If somebody correctly makes a connection from your explanation to something they are familiar with, you have done your job. If you need to make a connection with something you hope someone is familiar with in order to explain your product, you don't understand your product well enough.
dj_axl 15y ago
"We've got early traction" = Our investors has made sure their other portfolio companies use our product. Would you rather work for a company where the investors can't even convince their portfolio companies to use the product? Sure I get the humor. Maybe a solution would be to actually name one of the (hopefully big/famous) companies that use the product, instead of being vague. "Some great places have employed our solution! But we can't reveal any of their names!" Um. Yeah.
- run4yourlives 15y ago
  I think the point is that the hardest, yet most important sell is a paying customer. There are a number of ways to convince an investor to use a freebee. They aren't losing anything they haven't already lost when they gave you money. A customer will not (well, most at least) pay for a product that offers nothing in return.
lell 15y ago
Since when are such cynical attempts at humour posted on hn? Best not to read something like this if you want to stay motivated enough to do the work required to get "post-revenue" whatever that means.
mcmc 15y ago
There is so much noise out there that mediocre companies manage to position themselves as the best of the best, or at least manage to make the best companies look foolish at this point. The problem is that it's a lot easier to imitate the talking points of successful startup than it is to actually imitate the success.
ernestipark 15y ago
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6507690/hardly-working-start-up-guys http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6507690/hardly-working-sta...
- rabidonrails 15y ago
  I wish I could up-vote this multiple times.
- eogas 15y ago
  I love this sketch. I'll never get over Devil's Deuce Interactive. On a related note, I just found this: http://www.angeldump.com/ http://www.angeldump.com/
Stratego 15y ago
See Mule's http://unsuck-it.com/ http://unsuck-it.com/ for more.
mozartbu 15y ago
ROFL "You will NEED to shape the product since we don't know what we are doing."

175 points by niklas_a 15y ago

They'd be better off prefacing each statement with "We wish ..." as it would sound a lot more sincere. To be honest, the descriptions that stand out most to me are "we have X problem within Y context and we need a solution that will solve Z for us. Can you focus on it exclusively for six months?" Those usually turn out to be the most interesting problems to work on and will probably not attract people who are just interested because of the company is in a particular industry segment or focusing on a certain technology. Work hard, play hard? You're probably doing neither and your holiday parties suck. edited: "not attract"

glimcat 15y ago
A job post needs to tell me what problem you're trying to solve by hiring and why I should care about your problem. The overwhelming majority of job posts completely fail to outline a clear value proposition.
- jsavimbi 15y ago
  I'm trying to solve my voodoo value problem and by hiring you I can massage my pre-money numbers and get a tax break for R&D. Want the job?
- caw 15y ago
  I agree with this. I already had a few of these buzzwords on my list for job postings to avoid. "Work hard play hard" - Yep, the author's right "Significant Equity" - I guess I've read too much HN to know that that's nothing "Pre-revenue" - Entirely too much risk to leave your current job to go to; maybe if you were between jobs. The last thing I avoid is the list of perks that make it seem like your life is work. Sure, perks are nice, but not so I can all my time there. I got a tour of Palantir, and I'm like "This is really sweet." Then I got to their nap time room, where you can sleep for a bit when you're pulling an all nighter. I drew the line there because the way it was positioned was too strongly implying you must spend all your waking hours at work, and then some.

Geekette 15y ago

Funneh. Particularly enjoyed “We’ve got great backing" as = "We managed to convince VCs to give us money but we haven’t convinced any actual customers to do so".

billpatrianakos 15y ago

Definitely funny, entertaining, and there's a case to be made that its true a lot of times. I don't know how to feel about it though. On the one hand I'm hoping it was a joke and nothing more as there are some good apples out there but then I also remember that there are a bazillion little startups that are just either clueless, incompetent, or decent but overhyped and overfunded.

gridspy 15y ago
Don't forget decent but obscure.

localhost3000 15y ago

This seems to be the new trend on HN job posts: "we're xyz ycomb company. we're solving extremely difficult technical problems! [end]" ...yes, routing all those lunch orders must be a real pain...

anrope 15y ago
Yeah this is driving me nuts. It feels like a lot of companies are throwing around the same catchphrases, when instead they should be describing what they actually do or need done.
- felipemnoa 15y ago
  One catch phrase that seems to be on decline is rock star.

keiferski 15y ago

"Pre-revenue" seems like such a ridiculous term. It should only be used post-revenue to describe the period of time...pre-revenue. Unless, of course, that every startup founder is a pre-billionaire. ;P

jpwagner 15y ago
...looking for a pre-fired software engineer
pagekalisedown 15y ago
That's just standard corporate-speak. Take anything negative and give it a positive spin. We don't lose money, we're pre-profitable. ;)

rokhayakebe 15y ago

The "You will get a chance to shape the product" translation is way too funny. Definitely gives a different perspective.

CPlatypus 15y ago

"All-star technical team" = "Each developer will tell you the others are stars. Perspectives from outside the circle might differ."

beagledude 15y ago

this is sadly extremely accurate the disruptive part especially

d_r 15y ago

While not mentioned in the article, one annoying phrase that has emerged recently is "X for Y". "An AirBnB for music." "A Yelp for wedding dresses." To me this speaks: "We aren't able to clearly explain what we do, but here's this other well-known company that solves a similar problem in a different market. We'll piggy-back from the recognition of their name. Look at us, look at them, and try to make a connection."

niklas_a 15y ago
Haha, I agree. I've never understood why defining your company in relation to another company makes sense. If you have a good business idea your company should be able to stand by itself.
- run4yourlives 15y ago
  You answered your own question. If you don't have a good business idea (or if yours is underdeveloped) you try to create a connection with something a person might already feel positive about.
tycho77 15y ago
Cheap shot. You can't win with this one. You know what would happen if they described the product in a vacuum? The top comment on the HN thread would be "Basically, it's like an X for Y."
- andrewflnr 15y ago
  I guess, but ideally, you can describe yourself with actual verbs, and leave the pat generalizations to HN commenters.
- run4yourlives 15y ago
  If somebody correctly makes a connection from your explanation to something they are familiar with, you have done your job. If you need to make a connection with something you hope someone is familiar with in order to explain your product, you don't understand your product well enough.

dj_axl 15y ago

"We've got early traction" = Our investors has made sure their other portfolio companies use our product. Would you rather work for a company where the investors can't even convince their portfolio companies to use the product? Sure I get the humor. Maybe a solution would be to actually name one of the (hopefully big/famous) companies that use the product, instead of being vague. "Some great places have employed our solution! But we can't reveal any of their names!" Um. Yeah.

run4yourlives 15y ago
I think the point is that the hardest, yet most important sell is a paying customer. There are a number of ways to convince an investor to use a freebee. They aren't losing anything they haven't already lost when they gave you money. A customer will not (well, most at least) pay for a product that offers nothing in return.

lell 15y ago

Since when are such cynical attempts at humour posted on hn? Best not to read something like this if you want to stay motivated enough to do the work required to get "post-revenue" whatever that means.

mcmc 15y ago

There is so much noise out there that mediocre companies manage to position themselves as the best of the best, or at least manage to make the best companies look foolish at this point. The problem is that it's a lot easier to imitate the talking points of successful startup than it is to actually imitate the success.

ernestipark 15y ago

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6507690/hardly-working-start-up-guys http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6507690/hardly-working-sta...

rabidonrails 15y ago
I wish I could up-vote this multiple times.
eogas 15y ago
I love this sketch. I'll never get over Devil's Deuce Interactive. On a related note, I just found this: http://www.angeldump.com/ http://www.angeldump.com/

Stratego 15y ago

See Mule's http://unsuck-it.com/ http://unsuck-it.com/ for more.

mozartbu 15y ago

ROFL "You will NEED to shape the product since we don't know what we are doing."