4 ms·

Marriage takes work, lots of work. The reward in my experience is totally worth it. You have to lay down part of your life for the new life that you experience

by xupybd 4y ago

Marriage takes work, lots of work. The reward in my experience is totally worth it. You have to lay down part of your life for the new life that you experience with your spouse and children. The individual you once were is now part of a family and no longer exists as an individual. You serve your family and they serve you back. For me the amount I give of myself is much less than I receive back from the marriage / family. I would argue the amount everyone involved receives is more than the sum total they put in. If writing a note each day is too much work for you, then the daily sacrifices of being in a loving marriage may be too much for you. If that is the case you might want to think about what you're giving up and why. If you are happy with the exchange then great but I think many don't know how great it can be.

NotTameAntelope 4y ago
Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I started writing literal daily notes to my wife, she’d be very concerned something was wrong. Then she’d ask why I’m wasting my time writing a note when I could have done… literally annoying else more productive lol
- xupybd 4y ago
  To me this sounds similar to the old saying "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" I've found this to simply mean that you enjoy the work you put in. Gamers can spend hours getting good at a game. Few would call it practice, they'd call it play. However, whatever you call it you need it to get good. Whatever that thing is that you put into a relationship, it's needed.
- skrebbel 4y ago
  No kids I take it?
  - exitb 4y ago
    These are separate things, I suppose. One can live a very challenging life, including the usual (or unusual...) kids trouble, and still find comfort in the relationship with their spouse.
- xwdv 4y ago
  Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do. Because the alternative is to just be single and die alone surrounded by no one, childless in some nursing home where nurses increasingly don’t give a fuck about you the closer you are to death. Some people will argue being single isn’t so bad. But for a person whose goal it is to be married and share life with someone it can be a fate worse than death. And the longer it takes to get married the more of your life you are living without sharing experiences with anyone that matters to you.
  - bruce343434 4y ago
    We are a pathetic, self centered species.
  - wnolens 4y ago
    > Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If this is actually your personal experience, could you share more of it? I've always ended up dating women who absolutely love me but who I am somewhat ambivalent to after a few weeks. Most of life already feels like work to me, was hoping a romantic relationship wouldn't. But I've thought often of throwing in the towel and settling for the next sane one even if I'm bored. Because wife + kids sounds long term better than fun uncle who ultimately dies alone.
    - em-bee 4y ago
      for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown. for your problem, i would want to look closely what it is that makes you feel ambivalent after a few weeks. try giving it more time to see if you still feel like that. get to know each other better, plan your potential future life together to get an understanding what each of you want from a relationship. love alone is not enough.
- carom 4y ago
  On the other hand, my gf would love it.
- prmoustache 4y ago
  > Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. For some people it isn't until it is. There are many things that can break a great relationship. Routine, lack of common projects, financial difficulties, personal struggle of one or both.
  - jason_slack 4y ago
    +1 here because my marriage is amazing but we do get stuck in routines, we have no common interests really except very small things, both have struggled with personal loss/grief and are currently experiencing financial difficulty. It has been 16 years and somehow head to pillow every night still brings a smile to my face for this amazing woman being the love of my life.
- krageon 4y ago
  It is nice, I guess you are fortunate to have a relationship that basically maintains itself. For most people, proper communication and keeping a commitment to open up emotionally when you need to is work.
marriedforever 4y ago
> The reward in my experience is totally worth it. What is the reward?
- anotheruser092 4y ago
  Someone will consistently be there to care very much about you. Friends are more fickle (people change and move away), and your parents won't be there forever. Siblings can also move away, too. It's nice to have at least one person you can trust in the world.
- irrational 4y ago
  You've never had a best friend?
- eps 4y ago
  Companionship.
avereveard 4y ago
A note is a tool. It works great if like op there's little overlap between spouses routines, so they can still feel each other presence. It's not what's going to save marriages on it's own, because it is useful in a specific environment. When I'm away for work, I always make time to call family morning and evening, so we can keep up with our wake up togheter and spend evening togheter kinda routine. It is both specific to the situation, the family and the context. It'd be silly to call home when I'm home, as it'd be silly to say that this will save someone else marriage. Heck, marriage doesn't even mean the same thing to different people or has the same meaning across cultures or even within the same culture across time! Normative approaches to marriage are almost always doomed to fail precisely because of this, and that's also why counseling is largely a personalized process/experience.

by xupybd 4y ago

NotTameAntelope 4y ago

Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I started writing literal daily notes to my wife, she’d be very concerned something was wrong. Then she’d ask why I’m wasting my time writing a note when I could have done… literally annoying else more productive lol

xupybd 4y ago
To me this sounds similar to the old saying "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" I've found this to simply mean that you enjoy the work you put in. Gamers can spend hours getting good at a game. Few would call it practice, they'd call it play. However, whatever you call it you need it to get good. Whatever that thing is that you put into a relationship, it's needed.
skrebbel 4y ago
No kids I take it?
- exitb 4y ago
  These are separate things, I suppose. One can live a very challenging life, including the usual (or unusual...) kids trouble, and still find comfort in the relationship with their spouse.
xwdv 4y ago
Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do. Because the alternative is to just be single and die alone surrounded by no one, childless in some nursing home where nurses increasingly don’t give a fuck about you the closer you are to death. Some people will argue being single isn’t so bad. But for a person whose goal it is to be married and share life with someone it can be a fate worse than death. And the longer it takes to get married the more of your life you are living without sharing experiences with anyone that matters to you.
- bruce343434 4y ago
  We are a pathetic, self centered species.
- wnolens 4y ago
  > Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If this is actually your personal experience, could you share more of it? I've always ended up dating women who absolutely love me but who I am somewhat ambivalent to after a few weeks. Most of life already feels like work to me, was hoping a romantic relationship wouldn't. But I've thought often of throwing in the towel and settling for the next sane one even if I'm bored. Because wife + kids sounds long term better than fun uncle who ultimately dies alone.
  - em-bee 4y ago
    for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown. for your problem, i would want to look closely what it is that makes you feel ambivalent after a few weeks. try giving it more time to see if you still feel like that. get to know each other better, plan your potential future life together to get an understanding what each of you want from a relationship. love alone is not enough.
carom 4y ago
On the other hand, my gf would love it.
prmoustache 4y ago
> Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. For some people it isn't until it is. There are many things that can break a great relationship. Routine, lack of common projects, financial difficulties, personal struggle of one or both.
- jason_slack 4y ago
  +1 here because my marriage is amazing but we do get stuck in routines, we have no common interests really except very small things, both have struggled with personal loss/grief and are currently experiencing financial difficulty. It has been 16 years and somehow head to pillow every night still brings a smile to my face for this amazing woman being the love of my life.
krageon 4y ago
It is nice, I guess you are fortunate to have a relationship that basically maintains itself. For most people, proper communication and keeping a commitment to open up emotionally when you need to is work.

marriedforever 4y ago

> The reward in my experience is totally worth it. What is the reward?

anotheruser092 4y ago
Someone will consistently be there to care very much about you. Friends are more fickle (people change and move away), and your parents won't be there forever. Siblings can also move away, too. It's nice to have at least one person you can trust in the world.
irrational 4y ago
You've never had a best friend?
eps 4y ago
Companionship.

avereveard 4y ago

A note is a tool. It works great if like op there's little overlap between spouses routines, so they can still feel each other presence. It's not what's going to save marriages on it's own, because it is useful in a specific environment. When I'm away for work, I always make time to call family morning and evening, so we can keep up with our wake up togheter and spend evening togheter kinda routine. It is both specific to the situation, the family and the context. It'd be silly to call home when I'm home, as it'd be silly to say that this will save someone else marriage. Heck, marriage doesn't even mean the same thing to different people or has the same meaning across cultures or even within the same culture across time! Normative approaches to marriage are almost always doomed to fail precisely because of this, and that's also why counseling is largely a personalized process/experience.