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Taking things less personally
- zafka 4y agoI just scanned the first few paragraphs, but saved this as I find it to be a great reminder. I try to read lists of the various human mis-perceptions periodically to build "muscle memory" into my consiousness. I first started looking into this about 10 years ago when I was baffled by the way people acted at work. Now that I realize that "rational" is not default behavior for most people I am way less confused in my daily life. Still amazed though. :)
- miobrien 4y agoCan you share the lists you mentioned?
- hammock 4y agohttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases
- zafka 4y agoThanks! Did a quick search for this but used wrong terms.
- zafka 4y agoThe first one I ran across was: https://www.harrisonbarnes.com/the-psychology-of-human-misjudgment-by-charles-t-munger/ https://www.harrisonbarnes.com/the-psychology-of-human-misju... I also like : https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Practice-Robert-B-Cialdini/ https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Practice-Robert-B-Cialdini/ Who Munger mentions- actaully gave this guy some money as a tip. Also good reading: https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/ https://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/ Enough to get you started :) Have fun.
- JacobThreeThree 4y agoIf you have a strongly defined worldview and set of acceptable social guidelines and boundaries, then it's much easier to not fall into the "mind reading" pitfall. The author broaches this angle of the solution with the STUF model. CBT is definitely the best way to go with changing your behavior. If the placebo effect can be up to 50% effective (depends on the study), that's scientific proof that mind over matter is a real phenomenon. Why not tap into it?
- pantulis 4y agoI believe the article serves as a nice and quick introduction to CBT. That shit works, but I would not say it's a matter of mind over matter, it's more like realising that your behaviour depends on how you feel and your thoughts --conscious or not-- are what control your feelings.
- nickstinemates 4y agoThe tools of cognitive behavioral therapy are great to employ whether things are perfect or dire. Being present and mindful, and practicing those things when it counts: new experiences, events, spending time with loved ones only pays dividends.
- mkl95 4y agoIf you are an engineer, you could be making more money than your manager within months. In the post-COVID era it really isn't that difficult not to care about some jerk, unless you are a particularly sensitive individual.
- BlargMcLarg 4y agoDon't just post that without giving specifics. If it's true, help developers out and elaborate.
- mkl95 4y agoLinkedIn has worked wonders for me lately. So the key is something like networking, networking, then some networking. There is an acute shortage of senior engineers, tech leads, etc. that is not going to go away anytime soon.
- rglullis 4y agoSorry, how does that relate to the article?
- mkl95 4y agoMy point is that work is not that personal anymore. The best example is probably Amazon, which is running out of people in some areas due to massive churn over the last few years. No point in taking stuff personally in a highly volatile environment - both you and your employer are expected to be replaced.
- rglullis 4y agoI'm still confused. I read the article as some general advice for people who tend to "personalize" everything, I don't see how that relates to one specific type of relationship between individuals and society at large. I mean, even if "work is not personal anymore", there are still basically all other aspects of one's life which can lead to situations where you'd take things personally when you shouldn't. Anyway, the whole article kind of falls flat for me. Maybe it's a generational thing, maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe I'm just lucky to have been built this way; but the idea of being anxious about what others think of you or "personalization" (i.e, not being able to read a social interaction and assume that the problem is with yourself) is almost alien... do people really need to be told about "distinguishing your feelings from your thoughts", and "accepting a reasonable amount of uncertainty"?
- liberia 4y agoAn old stoic method. If we invested more energy in improving ourselves for ourselves without comparing and wondering what people will think, we would be better off.
- winternett 4y agoI greatly enjoy talking with people in person (outdoors of course) these days about interesting things because it's such a rare occurrence... One of the most troubling things though is how many people get easily wound up (and aren't forgiving) about misunderstandings in conversations. People seem to be increasingly concrete in their judgements about social, economic, and political issues that have nothing to do with them as individuals, and often it results in fighting words, and that's crazy to me. A deep polarization is coming from many fronts, and it also over-emphasizes issues, making people far more offensive and defensive than before -- possibly heightened because of pandemic-related isolation and economic stress. I think a lot of people judge the world based on tropes... The small-minded view based only on the people they've observed, rather than being able to place themselves in the shoes of others they don't know, and it's a growing problem when narrowly focused people like this lead and make decisions for us all. I think we really need to reject the use of tropes in discussions as fact because it's toxic, but at the same time, I work hard to not be triggered by anything that's well intended. We all make mistakes, and as long as you can choose to walk away, being misunderstood is a small price to pay for regular human communication.
- silisili 4y agoThis is likely the result of the recent braindead 'your intentions don't matter, only impact' mantra that has taken hold. Gone are the days of just trying to assume people mean the best, it's just about how things make us feel. It's hard for me to understand how we can progress as a country, or society perhaps, where collective reasoning and assuming the best in people has been replaced with focus on each person as an individual on an emotional level. Just seems like a recipe for...well, the way things are today.
- xmprt 4y ago> Gone are the days of just trying to assume people mean the best I think people have been bitten in the back enough time by assuming the best that people have switched to thinking this way. When you try to be nice and keep getting taken advantage of then it's hard to stay nice.
- Bubble_Pop_22 4y agoI have recently come to realize that life can suck pretty bad if you don't have a high opinion of yourself. In short you have to believe that you are the best regardless of what the real world feedback is. Belief in absence of evidence is the very basis of religion , which is something we did ever since the very beginning of the specie, so it is certain that the brain is capable of going that route. The extra step is to go from belief in absence of evidence (which is typical of religion) to belief in absence of evidence AND also absence of real world positive feedback all around you (which is needed for strong self-belief). The person who can master this skill is going to have a hell of a good time, the separation between self-confidence and actual real world feedback would be so fundamental and pivotal in humans that it would completely eclipse the separation between Church and State.
- bgdkbtv 4y agoThe fact that you got downvoted means that you are spot it.
- mise_en_place 4y agoYes, better to be a knight of faith than a knight of infinite resignation.
- haswell 4y agoIt's unclear what utility this mindset has and how it will not lead to self-delusion. If I convince myself I'm the most visionary product manager who ever lived, and I really believe that, it will either a) create blindspots and prevent me from proper self-reflection and self-correction or b) force me into a state of cognitive dissonance where I believe I'm the best, while knowing I'm not, creating a new and unnecessary problem for myself as I try to navigate the world. Feedback from those around you is an important form of evidence. While it is true that ideally one should not internalize that feedback or bow to its pressure if it's related to a moral or ethical stance, it is similarly problematic to discard it entirely, and delude oneself into a form of irrational hubris. > ...to belief in absence of evidence AND also absence of real world positive feedback all around you (which is needed for strong self-belief) Belief in yourself is important, yes. Not taking feedback personally is important, yes. Ignoring feedback entirely is problematic.
- paulpauper 4y agoTaking something personally does not mean getting mad or assuming some motive, but being that you're the only recipient and are a person, makes it personal by default.
- Etheryte 4y agoThis isn't even remotely what the article was about. I can't help but wonder whether you actually read it before making this comment.
- paulpauper 4y agothe article is 10,000 words ...
- Etheryte 4y agoIf you don't want to read 10,000 words, why do you want to comment on the words? It makes little sense to read a four-word title and just assume that you know what the rest of it says.
- paulpauper 4y agodo you think everyone commenting on this post read all 10,000 words
- dustinmoris 4y agoDon't take this article so personally.
- pantulis 4y agoBut were you really insulted? Cognitive biases like the ones that are described in the article are the proverbial colors of the glasses with which you look at all what happens around you. If they are too negative you will react with fear, anger, rage, and then, like a self fulfilled prophecy, people around you will start reacting accordingly. Or put it another way, if you believe that something bad is going to happen, something bad is bound to happen but in an unexpected way. Learning about one's cognitive biases is a powerful tool but is also really hard.
- samkater 4y agoAn eye-opening perspective came to me a few years ago when I first heard the quote,” When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60, you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place“[0] That can be good and bad, but is a personally useful frame of reference for the world. It helps to not take things too personally, but also to be intentionally active in people’s lives when I _want_ to be considered. [0], not sure who to attribute: https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2019/mar/08/viral-image/no-winston-churchill-didnt-say-quote-about-age/ https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2019/mar/08/viral-imag...
- abnry 4y agoBut it's only half true. The anxiety over how others' perceive you is perhaps overblown, but you'd discount a whole lot of anxiety as irrational if you say that nobody forms judgments about you.
- 2-718-281-828 4y agoone way to look at it might be realizing that people mostly don't judge you but a stereotype they project onto you. or simply have their judgement clouded by their mood. with a bad mood seeking for people to judge badly and good mood seeking to judge people positively. also what they judge about you is often more telling about what is going on with them and their life, so at the end of the day most people judge themselves. in all meditation practices the goal is to stop judging and instead observe - for a good reason - it's healing b/c then you also stop judging yourself all the time.
- gzysk8 4y agoThat's a helpful perspective. Whenever I feel social anxiety or the spotlight effect creep up, I also try to remember how little I'm actually thinking about what others are doing around me. Maybe it's obvious, but simply flipping the point of view in that moment can help you not judge yourself so much.
- scifibestfi 4y agoThere's this thing in the culture about taking maximum offense at anything and everything possible. It's as though it's a hobby or sport. It also seems to be correlated with the number of viewers. If it's just 1-on-1, it's rare. If there's an audience, it's common, especially if the audience is social media.
- abnry 4y agoSheesh, some people are incapable of taking offense at anything and would love to. Don't stigmatize those people who have trouble feeling feelings. ;-)
- XorNot 4y agoYou're mistaking people being polite for not taking offence.
- OOD 4y agoYou're mistaking people's selective virtue signaling outrage for politeness.
- winternett 4y agoThe inverse response is rather toxic too... Many times people will be put on mute or ostracized even without their knowing... Many people still follow others just waiting for their downfall because of one thing they've said. The offender rarely gets a chance to know why, or that they're even being muted. Modern social media controls often translate into and facilitate toxic habits in people... (e.g. Unfollow but still stay friends). Perhaps we should possibly get rid of following altogether based on how social media now (Like TikTok) shares content to people outside of follower bases, and how Twitter does not show content to all followers.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- nickstinemates 4y agoI took this to the extreme end over the past couple of years. Like all things, there's a balance. On one extreme there's apathy. On the other anxiety or worse.
- r00tanon 4y agoI often think what Richard Feynman says "What do you care what other people think?" In general I've found people don't really spend a lot of time dwelling on other people's actions. They have their own problems. We are all our own worst critics. In most cases it's best to let things go until you have more information or feedback. Otherwise take note of your actions and try to let go of guessing what other people think. If your intentions are good but you think you might have screwed up, try to give yourself the benefit of the doubt and return the favor in the reverse.
- missedthecue 4y agoWork customer service for a year.
- cortesoft 4y agoWhen I read the first example, my initial thought was that the author wasn’t considering the friend who WAS invited. There was only one extra ticket; if the friend had invited the author instead of the other friend, then THEY would have been in the same situation wondering why they weren’t invited. In other words, the author was not thinking of the invited friend as having the same feelings and desires as the author. I think this happens a lot. People get upset that their feelings aren’t considered, but fail to realize that everyone else is in the same boat. Only one friend gets to go, why is your not being invited a bigger sleight than the alternative? I think about this sort of thing a lot in various zero sum situations. For example, people get upset in video games where they don’t win a majority of their matches, but fail to realize that for every winner, there is a loser. If they won a majority of their matches, someone else has to lose a majority of theirs.
- darkerside 4y agoIt's ok to care about yourself more than others.
- cortesoft 4y agoIt’s ok, but you also need to understand that everyone else is doing the same thing. You shouldn’t be surprised when someone else does the same thing you are doing, and if you expect other people to treat you better than others, you are in for disappointment.
- darkerside 4y agoMost of us treat our friends better than strangers. The closer we are, the more we want to spend time with them and give to them. When your close friend invites someone else to something like this -- long event, lots of time together, probably expensive -- it's understandable to ask whether they consider that person a better friend than you. You are probably wrong to jump to that as a conclusion, according to the article and my experience. This person's reaction has nothing to do with the third person getting invited, and everything to do with them _not_ getting invited and what it says about their relationship with the gift giver. Your statements seem orthogonal to what the author is actually thinking and concerned about.
- labrador 4y agoCBT is the neatest thing since sliced bread. It's easy to learn, easy to apply in daily life and works to create a more balanced mood almost effortlessly. It's stops making sense to get so emotional about things. It's also free from material on YouTube and elsewhere. I think it a very handy tool for dealing with the constant stimulation of the modern world
- winternett 4y agoSo is ice cream... And ice cream doesn't get me fired from my job... When I retire I'm goin full Snoop Dogg tho.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- labrador 4y agoCBT, not CBD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, although full Snoop Dogg works too
- winternett 4y agoHah! That's what happens when I miss my daily coffee... My bad! :P
- imbnwa 4y ago"What's life if it isn't personal" - Giuseppe Rosetti
- noduerme 4y agoI'd rephrase these two observations into more universal terms than personalization and mind-reading. During a long emotional crisis I sought out existential therapy. The things it taught me can be summarized as: Everyone is having a bad day too and dealing with as much shit as you, and you are not the center of the universe even though you think you're the center of your own narrative. Once you internalize that, it's impossible to be too offended or even worried about slights from other people. Additionally, we're products of these circumstances and anyone may be any way at any time for reasons you don't have a clue about. Assume they mean well and prepare for the worst. But ultimately if someone slights you, it doesn't matter if it's because they think you're an asshole. You're you, they're them, and you're wasting your time if you're trying to be liked by people by being something other than yourself.
- mertnesvat 4y agoThere are a lot of similarities between CBT and Vipassana meditation. Like the mind reading and personalisation Vipassana medidation suggest we have `sankharas` loosely translated as formations which is kind of a poison in our body and mind. After a consistent meditation you can examine and make peace with them. I'm not an expert but it worked for me, was kinda magical and interesting. CBT and meditation has a lot to offer to our lives in our little concrete jungle. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sa%E1%B9%85kh%C4%81ra https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sa%E1%B9%85kh%C4%81ra