4 ms·

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective. Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited for virtually any woman out there, in virtually any major US metro area. This means that the problem might be in yourself, and my guess is: - Men perceive you as "weirdo". For example, going on a first date and immediately stating that you are looking to have kids since your time is "running out" would be a red flag even to the most desperate men. - (I bet my money on this) You are too picky, even if you don't think you are, and the only men you're interested in are the ones who have an overwhelming abundance of choice (e.g. top 5% in terms of earning, looks, status), and as such are not in any pressure to settle down with you.

toomuchtodo 4y ago
> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities . > You are too picky, even if you don't think you are. Agreed. Actionable advice to OP would be to compromise and narrow down core requirements for a partner. https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X/ https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Amazon: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough) https://openlibrary.org/works/OL8109804W/Marry_him?edition=ia%3Amarryhimcasefors00gott https://openlibrary.org/works/OL8109804W/Marry_him?edition=i... (Open Library: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough) https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-h... (The original Atlantic piece that was the genesis of the above book) https://smile.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/dp/037389290X https://smile.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring... (The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love)
- whydoineedthis 4y ago
  A new date every week for two years....doesn't really seem like she really got the chance to know any of them at that rate.
- actfrench 4y ago
  Thank you so much for the great book recommendations ! I don’t think I’m being too picky. I’d wont share the reasons I didn’t go out again with 90% of these guys but it would horrify you and violate my privacy and theirs. I always cross-check with a trusted friend on whatever my reason is. And I’ve logged them all so I can go back and learn and grow from my past experiences
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
metadat 4y ago
120 isn't that many, it took me around that many FaceTimes and about 35-40 in-person dates before I found the love of my life during the pandemic. Some people are way too picky, it's impossible to know if that's the case here or not, we don't have enough information.
actfrench 4y ago
Thanks for sharing your article ! Looking forward to reading it! And thank you even more for taking the time to share your advice with me. Your time is precious and the fact you’d take time for me who you don’t even know means a lot. So…. With regards to your first point, I am definitely a weirdo and proud of it! One of my favorite teachers says, “weird is wonderful !” Who else but a bonafide weirdo would post such ah intimate post about their dating life and deepest hopes and fears for children and marriage in such a public setting as Hacker News. Oddly enough, despite being a proud weirdo, I find almost every guy I go out with wants to see me again. So that’s cool, and I appreciate that! I think it’s partly because I’m grounded and kind, and partly because I’m pretty, rarely because I feel truly seen and appreciated for being the delightful weirdo I am. With regards to your second point, I can’t tell you how much I loathe the word, “picky” which I find to be used so much when in comes to dating and by so many people in this thread. Can’t we at least say “selective”? The word picky makes me think of someone picking their nose not picking a partner. I think that what people are actually implying when they say “picky” is that I’m materialistic , that I’m looking for a rich guy, for a hot guy, etcetera. While at times, like most human beings, I am sure I dismissed someone wonderful for the wrong reasons and really missed out, overall I do not believe this to be the case. I’m looking for a kind man, for an honest man, for a loyal man, for a man I’m physically attracted to, yes, but I think that can also grow with time. I think that I’ve fallen in love with many a man I didn’t like immediately and so I find myself gravitating more towards advice of friends first then be less selective on such an important decision than life partner. Would anyone say that someone is being too selective on choosing their CTO ? What can be more important than life partner ?
- em-bee 4y ago
  i had a list of criteria, it wasn't a high priority list but more ideas of what i expected from a relationship. but, most of the things that turned out to be a challenge later were not on that list. now with that experience i could build a better list, but no-one has that experience before their first marriage. so this is difficult. the only way out that i see is that both partners recognize the challenge and find the opportunity to work through these questions together, which btw is already a good way to work out if you can cooperate. being able to cooperate, for me is now the most important quality in my relationship. if we can work together on reaching each others goals, we can solve the problems that get in the way. ironically that is the same quality that's most important in the relationship of company founders.
em-bee 4y ago
immediately stating that you are looking to have kids since your time is "running out" would be a red flag i disagree. that is something that i would want to know up front. yes, it may put off some people. but if the person is put off by that they are not likely to be a good candidate anyways in my eyes. if you really want kids, then time is running out, and both need to be aware of that. i'd consider not stating that up front but bringing it up later an unfair bait-and-switch. if both are not on board with taking this biological limitation into account, then that's not going to work.

toomuchtodo 4y ago

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities . > You are too picky, even if you don't think you are. Agreed. Actionable advice to OP would be to compromise and narrow down core requirements for a partner. https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X/ https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Amazon: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough) https://openlibrary.org/works/OL8109804W/Marry_him?edition=ia%3Amarryhimcasefors00gott https://openlibrary.org/works/OL8109804W/Marry_him?edition=i... (Open Library: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough) https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-h... (The original Atlantic piece that was the genesis of the above book) https://smile.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/dp/037389290X https://smile.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring... (The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love)

whydoineedthis 4y ago
A new date every week for two years....doesn't really seem like she really got the chance to know any of them at that rate.
actfrench 4y ago
Thank you so much for the great book recommendations ! I don’t think I’m being too picky. I’d wont share the reasons I didn’t go out again with 90% of these guys but it would horrify you and violate my privacy and theirs. I always cross-check with a trusted friend on whatever my reason is. And I’ve logged them all so I can go back and learn and grow from my past experiences
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]

metadat 4y ago

120 isn't that many, it took me around that many FaceTimes and about 35-40 in-person dates before I found the love of my life during the pandemic. Some people are way too picky, it's impossible to know if that's the case here or not, we don't have enough information.

actfrench 4y ago

Thanks for sharing your article ! Looking forward to reading it! And thank you even more for taking the time to share your advice with me. Your time is precious and the fact you’d take time for me who you don’t even know means a lot. So…. With regards to your first point, I am definitely a weirdo and proud of it! One of my favorite teachers says, “weird is wonderful !” Who else but a bonafide weirdo would post such ah intimate post about their dating life and deepest hopes and fears for children and marriage in such a public setting as Hacker News. Oddly enough, despite being a proud weirdo, I find almost every guy I go out with wants to see me again. So that’s cool, and I appreciate that! I think it’s partly because I’m grounded and kind, and partly because I’m pretty, rarely because I feel truly seen and appreciated for being the delightful weirdo I am. With regards to your second point, I can’t tell you how much I loathe the word, “picky” which I find to be used so much when in comes to dating and by so many people in this thread. Can’t we at least say “selective”? The word picky makes me think of someone picking their nose not picking a partner. I think that what people are actually implying when they say “picky” is that I’m materialistic , that I’m looking for a rich guy, for a hot guy, etcetera. While at times, like most human beings, I am sure I dismissed someone wonderful for the wrong reasons and really missed out, overall I do not believe this to be the case. I’m looking for a kind man, for an honest man, for a loyal man, for a man I’m physically attracted to, yes, but I think that can also grow with time. I think that I’ve fallen in love with many a man I didn’t like immediately and so I find myself gravitating more towards advice of friends first then be less selective on such an important decision than life partner. Would anyone say that someone is being too selective on choosing their CTO ? What can be more important than life partner ?

em-bee 4y ago
i had a list of criteria, it wasn't a high priority list but more ideas of what i expected from a relationship. but, most of the things that turned out to be a challenge later were not on that list. now with that experience i could build a better list, but no-one has that experience before their first marriage. so this is difficult. the only way out that i see is that both partners recognize the challenge and find the opportunity to work through these questions together, which btw is already a good way to work out if you can cooperate. being able to cooperate, for me is now the most important quality in my relationship. if we can work together on reaching each others goals, we can solve the problems that get in the way. ironically that is the same quality that's most important in the relationship of company founders.

em-bee 4y ago

immediately stating that you are looking to have kids since your time is "running out" would be a red flag i disagree. that is something that i would want to know up front. yes, it may put off some people. but if the person is put off by that they are not likely to be a good candidate anyways in my eyes. if you really want kids, then time is running out, and both need to be aware of that. i'd consider not stating that up front but bringing it up later an unfair bait-and-switch. if both are not on board with taking this biological limitation into account, then that's not going to work.