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You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who l

You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is most men who are not in those categories will feign serious interest just to screw you, after which you will be ignored. That is what a couple of my wife’s friends who are in this category often struggle with. So, my suggestion is to restrict your search to second-hand men.

actfrench 4y ago
Definitely ! And I’m also not opposed at all to having step kids. I’d love them and mother them with all my heart !
metadat 4y ago
Good ideas. 41 isn't that old, and by this age there are more divorced than never married. If someone has never had a serious relationship by the time they're 33 or so, it's a red flag 100% of the time in my experience.
- actfrench 4y ago
  Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beautiful one hadn’t been taken.” I was like, um, I’m not sure I knew I was for sale ? :) love divorced guys though. And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:)
  - whydoineedthis 4y ago
    So he complimented you, and you twisted it such that he implied you're a whore instead? Interesting.
    - metadat 4y ago
      It's called "negging", and manipulators use this tactic all the time. Most commonly against women. Gross is an understatement for this breed of human.
      - Redoubts 4y ago
        Seems completely unrelated to the comment at hand
      - smoovet 4y ago
    - actfrench 4y ago
      I’m very confused
    - actfrench 4y ago
      Oh ok. No, I didn’t think he was implying I was a whore. That’s what you read into it. I took odds with the language implying that I was a piece of property to be “taken.” But I was very gracious. Don’t worry. Good thoughts !
      - somenewaccount1 4y ago
        I'm not comment OP, but you literally said "I was like, um, I’m not sure I knew I was for SALE?" A women for sale is pretty much a whore, so it doesn't seem they read into rather than taking you literally. But even regardless, the fact that you took his word 'taken' in a literal sense rather than the compliment it was intended as, and here your defending it again rather than reflecting. If your crossing off guys because they compliment you with common colloquial phrases that you take literally and negatively, well, you will indeed have a short list of suiters.
  - metadat 4y ago
    Everyone has some flags, but I thought you said you'd had a boyfriend from an app before? If it was more than a purely physical relationship, I think you're off the hook :) > And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:) Aww I'm honored, and FYI- I literally just sent out the invites for mine this coming August :D Cheers!
    - actfrench 4y ago
      Phew re: the hook /red flag And congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
    - high_byte 4y ago
      why don't you invite actfrench to your wedding? last wedding I was at ended with 3 new couples, at least. then actfrench can invite you to her wedding :D
savorypiano 4y ago
Upvote for this one. You might actually WANT a 2nd hand man, because those who have had a family before would have less qualms doing it again (if they have the means) and can decide fast knowing what they are getting into. What you are short on is time, but I assume you don't want to compromise either. Someone who is widowed or divorce (that's not his fault) isn't a compromise in his quality as an individual, but one of time and some resources. But he would very much appreciate a mature woman who is open to his family. Not gonna lie: if I didn't have kids and was single, I'd shoot for early 30's max until I was into my 50's. Unless you were a knockout who is just better than me (but then you wouldn't want me either). But having kids changes that equation immensely, because I'd appreciate the partner aspect much more because there is less pressure to have multiple kids.

actfrench 4y ago

Definitely ! And I’m also not opposed at all to having step kids. I’d love them and mother them with all my heart !

metadat 4y ago

Good ideas. 41 isn't that old, and by this age there are more divorced than never married. If someone has never had a serious relationship by the time they're 33 or so, it's a red flag 100% of the time in my experience.

actfrench 4y ago
Yeah, I’m afraid I might be the red flag ! That said, I spent most of my twenties processing being abandoned by my dad and fear of sexual assault due to that being part of the history of women in my family. So I didn’t really start dating with an open mind until my thirties- and that was in nyc which is notoriously bad for women. But probably I still have a little red flag :) one guy asked me on a date why “the beautiful one hadn’t been taken.” I was like, um, I’m not sure I knew I was for sale ? :) love divorced guys though. And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:)
- whydoineedthis 4y ago
  So he complimented you, and you twisted it such that he implied you're a whore instead? Interesting.
  - metadat 4y ago
    It's called "negging", and manipulators use this tactic all the time. Most commonly against women. Gross is an understatement for this breed of human.
    - Redoubts 4y ago
      Seems completely unrelated to the comment at hand
    - smoovet 4y ago
  - actfrench 4y ago
    I’m very confused
  - actfrench 4y ago
    Oh ok. No, I didn’t think he was implying I was a whore. That’s what you read into it. I took odds with the language implying that I was a piece of property to be “taken.” But I was very gracious. Don’t worry. Good thoughts !
    - somenewaccount1 4y ago
      I'm not comment OP, but you literally said "I was like, um, I’m not sure I knew I was for SALE?" A women for sale is pretty much a whore, so it doesn't seem they read into rather than taking you literally. But even regardless, the fact that you took his word 'taken' in a literal sense rather than the compliment it was intended as, and here your defending it again rather than reflecting. If your crossing off guys because they compliment you with common colloquial phrases that you take literally and negatively, well, you will indeed have a short list of suiters.
- metadat 4y ago
  Everyone has some flags, but I thought you said you'd had a boyfriend from an app before? If it was more than a purely physical relationship, I think you're off the hook :) > And love you for being so active in this discussion ! I’m inviting you to my wedding metadat:) Aww I'm honored, and FYI- I literally just sent out the invites for mine this coming August :D Cheers!
  - actfrench 4y ago
    Phew re: the hook /red flag And congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
  - high_byte 4y ago
    why don't you invite actfrench to your wedding? last wedding I was at ended with 3 new couples, at least. then actfrench can invite you to her wedding :D

savorypiano 4y ago

Upvote for this one. You might actually WANT a 2nd hand man, because those who have had a family before would have less qualms doing it again (if they have the means) and can decide fast knowing what they are getting into. What you are short on is time, but I assume you don't want to compromise either. Someone who is widowed or divorce (that's not his fault) isn't a compromise in his quality as an individual, but one of time and some resources. But he would very much appreciate a mature woman who is open to his family. Not gonna lie: if I didn't have kids and was single, I'd shoot for early 30's max until I was into my 50's. Unless you were a knockout who is just better than me (but then you wouldn't want me either). But having kids changes that equation immensely, because I'd appreciate the partner aspect much more because there is less pressure to have multiple kids.