28 ms·

Ask HN: What's the biggest problem you face as a parent?

44 points by actfrench 4y ago

Hi families, I'm an expert in K12 education, with a focus on secular homeschooling, mastery learning and remote learning. I wrote hundreds of blog entries during the pandemic, and at the moment I'm short on new ideas. I'm shamelessly looking for new topics and questions to write about for my blog and would love to hear some of your most pressing questions and problems. Thanks so much for your help!

muzani 4y ago
Tantrums. Punish them? Ignore them? Give in? A flowchart would be nice.
- pchristensen 4y ago
  While a kid throwing a tantrum isn't making a rational choice to do so, they do understand the effects. If tantrums get results, then they won't have an incentive to suppress them as they mature. So don't reward them. You can still give them what they're throwing the tantrum for, if they can bring themselves back into control and ask in the right way (this works better as they get older). A lot of time, a kid throwing a tantrum has just lost control, and the best bet is to distract and divert, not try to resolve what they're tantruming about. Being able to bring their energy back down, instead of mirroring and escalating their tantrum, is key.
  - amerkhalid 4y ago
    I understand the part about losing control/reptilian brain kicking in, but I still don't know how I should behave when that happens. Like if in a restaurant, do I take kid outside? What if kid is demanding to go outside, and I take him outside, is that reinforcing that tantrums works? I have read a lot of book on child psychology and still never really sure how to handle tantrums and discipline aspects.
    - jjeaff 4y ago
      I don't know the best way to handle it in public, but we always clearly state that a tantrum will not get them what they want and they will have to calm down first. We will also put them in their room for a timeout until they calm down. But I have also noticed that tantrums are highly correlated with lack of sleep. Which makes sense. Even as adults, we are much more likely to lose control and snap if we are less rested and/or stressed. This is why so many parents religiously stick to a pretty structured sleep schedule.
    - andrei_says_ 4y ago
      Here are a few viewpoints you may find useful: - tantrums happen to your child - tantrums are a regulation mechanism - your child is disregulated, their brain is overwhelmed by uncontrollable emotions and needs to flush all the stress hormones quickly to come back to normal - there is a reason for the dis-regulation. What does the child need that the environment does not provide? - in the case of a restaurant - yes, take the kid outside, give them undivided attention, give space for the emotions to get expressed and for their brain to self-regulate. - become curious about the child's needs and see the tantrums as a symptom of building frustration of some needs not being met. Common possibilities are: severely depleted "reservoirs" caused by chronically unmet needs for play, physical activity, the child having control over their body, schedule, activities, company, your attention, solitude, approval, knowing that they matter etc. - a common situation related to a restaurant is the child's need to roam, run, be physical, loud, unrestrained. One way to have well-behaved kids at the restaurant is to have a kid-guided (they have control), exhausting, loud, physical activity beforehand. You get the point. Do not try to control (the expression of) tantrums. Extend your best interpretation and create space for the tantrum to quickly unfold so your child can regulate. Change the environment and remove the root causes. Ideally, the outcome of your parenting is an adult who is capable of identifying what they need before they are in crisis, capable of providing it to themselves, and when this is not possible, capable of regulating themselves. You need to model all of these, over and over and over again. Notice what they need and help them meet the need before their emotional state gets too agitated. If a tantrum is an extreme way to "ask" for something - help them meet the need - way before reaching that stage. Source: my training as a nonviolent parenting educator.
      - andrei_says_ 4y ago
        A few additional helpful things to keep in mind: - drop any interpretations of your child's behaviors which see it as malicious. Develop a habit to see all behaviors as (often imperfect) strategies to fulfill a basic human need (https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory). Try to guess the need and look for better strategies to fulfilling it. If impossible to fulfill the need, provide a framework for regulating the emotions arising from that. - you will often be triggered by your child behaving in certain ways. These are your triggers and your work. Many of these are trauma patterns installed during your own upbringing. Were your needs prioritized? What is your attachment style? What was your family's style of dealing with strong emotions?
  - actfrench 4y ago
    I think that tantrums are a cry for help and it's important to give our kids unconditional positive regard, that there's a legitimate reason behind their tantrum, whether that's lack of sleep, need for love or sugar addiction:) Personally, I always feel de-escalated when people validate my feelings, even if they don't follow my requests. I would be concerned that by distracting and diverting a child, you actually prevent them from working through the difficult emotions they need to work through in their system.
    - andrei_says_ 4y ago
      I recommend parents shift their framing to tantrums = self-regulation process. What helps: Validation, empathy, meeting the unmet core need behind the distress, changing the environment to address the root cause for the distress. What does not help: adding more stress by threatening the child or pressuring them to control their emotional outburst. The outburst is the steam coming out of the safety valve.
- ex3xu 4y ago
  I took some tips from a book titled How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - they suggest to try to help kids label their emotions, and then reaffirm those emotions are valid (even if they can't get what they want). They have various kid-friendly techniques for this in the book, one that worked for a couple of the worst tantrums I had to defuse is getting them to draw a picture of how mad they are.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    Love this book. It's so important to allow children feel their feelings, allow those feelings and let them pass through them. A tantrum is a cry for help: what do they need, sleep? food? just to vent a little bit? The more you push those feelings down the more you grow. However, it's important to honor your own needs for quite and peace of mind too. If you're having trouble because you need quiet and peace, you can express those needs to your child. They may not listen but it's good for them to know. Kids are much like adults. When needs are expressed well and non-violently with sound reasoning and released expectations they often get met.
- danielvf 4y ago
  Father of five kids. All kids are different, so only speaking for mine. Smaller kids usually tantrum when they are overtired (or over sugared or something else affecting them) OR because they are trying to manipulate to get what they want. Once you are used to it, you can tell pretty quickly which one it is. A tired kid needs to chill down to normal and/or take a brief nap. Getting them to a quiet place for a bit is good. At home, usually just their bedroom. Some kids have individual ways we've learned of calming down once we get there. Some are just going to do their thing for fifteen minutes, and then can calm down. In either case, usually less simulation helps. We'll check to see if they've not been getting enough sleep and adjust if needed. The manipulation kind is pretty easy to deal with. Just make sure it doesn't get the desired results, stay chill yourself, and minimize the noise on other people. Our kids always seem to try on and off for a couple months, but once it clearly doesn't work, they just stop. If we are home we just let them lay on the floor and tantrum away until they get up and go back about life. If we are out, one of us would take them to the car until they are done. Escalating it by escalating it by threats/demands/punishments/drama/negotiation/fear/pleading just seems to fuel the fire. In either case it's a temporary situation that will automatically resolve itself as long as you don't escalate or encourage it. You don't have to "fix" it. This means you can be pretty chill during.
  - muzani 4y ago
    All my kids tantrum for literal hours. I think the eldest used to do up to 4 hours when mom went out. Often it lasts to the point they fall asleep or vomit. A neighbor even suggested an exorcist. I think one child has realized that if they escalate it, we stop ignoring them. So instead of going on for hours, they just hit someone or do something drastic like threatening to destroy the TV. That brings in an ultimatum and they can admit defeat honorably. I don't think this is the best way to do it, though. They get plenty of sleep now - we found that it does cut it down a lot. There's a loop where they're too tired to sleep, always tired because they're not sleeping enough. So it's usually dinner at 6-7, lights out by 9. We find that being proactive works - "Mommy's going out for a few hours and will bring back ice cream if you behave." But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice.
    - 4y ago
- actfrench 4y ago
  There is a fabulous book on this topic called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." and "How To Talk So children Learn" It expresses this concept much better than me. Janet Lansbury also has written some great stuff on how to navigate tantrums for everyone's benefit! Here's one: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/12/the-best-way-to-deal-with-intense-tantrums/ https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/12/the-best-way-to-deal-w... My thoughts: I am a huge believer with children, as with adults to validate people's emotions. And by validating, really and fully accept that they are feeling what they are feeling and there is a good reason for them feeling that way. And really try to understand what is the need they're trying to express so they are fully heard, so that their need is heard. There are few things more affirming than being seen and heard. In no ways does this mean you have to tolerate behavior that makes you feel awful, like huge intense yelps that hurt your ears. It's Ok to say I love you and I understand you are unhappy and I'm sad you are unhappy - but my ears hurt and I would appreciate if they could cry more quietly. It's surprising how when you are honest with kids about how things make you feel and impact you with love, instead of just trying to stop it, that they listen and understand. I say, put boundaries around yourself, not around the other person. Among fellow educators, we often use the term "unconditional positive regard," meaning that we give children the benefit of the doubt that they have a good reason for what they're doing. A tantrum is often an unmet need being expressed. Maybe they're tired or hungry. As much as you're able, I'd encourage you to allow the tantrum if it doesn't affect you or the people around you too negatively. The child needs to work those emotions out of their system. For example, if you're in a movie theater, you may need to take the child out. It's improtant to accept that your child has both negative and positive emotions and that's ok. They don't have to be 100% happy and entertained all the time - that's fake, that's not life. I would start by acknowledging as much as possible with love your child's emotions. "Oh honey, I see you're so sad. Are you sad that you can't have that candy? I know it's so frustrating to not have something that you can't have. It really really hurts. You feel bad. I'm not going to let you have more sugar today because that can hurt your body. I am so sad you're feeling sad. Oh you're so sad. I love you and I'm sad you're sad, etcetera. I'm going to leave you alone for a while to cry because that sound hurts my ears/because i need to work and make money, etc. But I'm right here if you need a hug. I love you, etcetera" I don't like there to be punishment, but there could be a consequence. I wouldn't give a consequence for a tantrum, because that's them expressing their emotions. But if they make life difficult for others, you could consider letting them know that they are going to be removed from the situation where they are following through Acknowledging with love is key. But you don't need to coddle either. Calmly accept, validate, try to determine what the unmet need is if you can. Establish a boundary if needed and follow through. Here is a workshop I did with Deb Vilas from Bank Street College of Education on communicating with children where we talk about validation and 3 point limit setting. It might be helpful to you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7ODQAwwKgo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7ODQAwwKgo Please let me know if you have any other questions or would like to talk through this with me sometime. I'd be happy to help. I do really feel you could benefit from Janet Lansbury's podcast and Adele Faber's book though. They give techniques that actually WORK, which is great. It's not just fluff. This compassionate communication stuff actually settles kids down and helps make life easier for everyone. Plus, they don't end up unable to feel their feelings or all bottled up and resentful as adults, or entitled either!
abraxas 4y ago
I have only one child and making sure he doesn’t feel lonely or bored when no friends are around is my biggest challenge. Raising an only brings about challenges that aren’t discussed as much as they should be. I think there is a huge difference in being a parent of one vs a parent of many.
- theonething 4y ago
  plus one parent of only child here. Thanks for bringing this up.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    I'm definitely going to write about it. I'd be curious to know what ages your kids are - as this is definitely relevant to finding good social situations for them.
    - theonething 4y ago
      two and a half.
- conductr 4y ago
  This is real, good mention
- actfrench 4y ago
  I agree. I was an only child and it was often very lonely. A lot of adults are lonely too now a days! One thing that I've found very helpful is to plug into a community that meets regularly. Homeschoolers are really good at this. There are a lot of unschooling/homeschooling groups that you can find on facebook that meet regularly. For "regular schoolers", classes can be a great way to connect. I used to have a great friend group from being in the theatre/drama geek:) Classes can get expensive but there are a lot of freebies and scholarships if you start to ask around. In fact, any kind of shared activity you can connect around is good: Magic, Minecraft, sports, sewing. Just getting out and going to the park/playgroup can be great as well. I've also seen people make wonderful/close friends through childcare sharing. I'm not sure how old your child is and what kinds of activities they enjoy - and if you live in a big city or rural area, homeschool, remote school, public or private school, but I'd be happy to give you some more tailored suggestions if you can give me more info here or reach out to me directly. One big problem in our day and age is there are very few "true communities" where people are independent, beyond the church. If you're not a church goer, another option can be a meditation group like Zen Buddhism. Or even consider starting some meetup for only kids and posting it on facebook. It can be a once a week thing at the park, nature hike, book club or some other activity. This is a great topic and one I relate to keenly as an only child.
incazteca 4y ago
JacobAldridge 4y ago
I look forward to exploring your site, as someone with a 3yo looking at homeschooling and worldschooling options. Do you have much content on worldschooling, or at least homeschooling while doing extensive travel (eg, as a digital nomad family - https://www.reddit.com/r/digitalnomad/comments/tbgeee/are_digital_nomad_families_who_homeschool_bad/ https://www.reddit.com/r/digitalnomad/comments/tbgeee/are_di...)? Perhaps another topic is how to approach the option of homeschooling with your children? Now that my kid has friends at school, she's asking a few questions about it - I told her she could perhaps choose between a regular school, like daycare but 5 days a week, or doing school at home with me as her teacher. I have never seen her laugh so hard. A full minute of deep belly-laughing, ending with "You're so silly dadda". Needless to say, I clearly need to work on my sales pitch if homeschooling remains important to me!
- vwcx 4y ago
  To piggyback your comment: I'm a new parent - 15 days in with my first! As I watch public school education in the US get squeezed (first from pandemic, then politicization), we naturally start to think about homeschooling in general. I know it's a vague topic, but a basic guide of entry points and recommended resources ala "could you really manage the systemic shift required to successfully homeschool your child" would be useful for us. I'm sure a lot of parents think they can manage homeschooling, but a reality check for the millennial generation would be a help!
  - JacobAldridge 4y ago
    Congratulations! Week 3 is tough - I believe babies tend to mostly sleep for the first 14 days, and I do remember when ours began engaging with the world it got a little bit harder. (This is one of the few apps we've ever paid for, and it was really helpful in the first year - https://www.thewonderweeks.com/about-the-wonder-week-app/ https://www.thewonderweeks.com/about-the-wonder-week-app/) Our daughter visited 19 countries before her first birthday, so anything is possible - and any day you both get a shower is a success.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    Hi!! Big congratulations on your first child! The purpose of this post is not to plug my own platform. But the platform I built is specifically designed for this purpose, to be a basic guide of entry points and recommended resource to support families homeschooling for the first time. I'd LOVE To hear feedback from you and others to see if it fills this need for you or what we could work on. Our platform itself offers ways to find curriculum, connect with teachers, friends and coaches, so feel free to explore https://www.modulo.app/ https://www.modulo.app/ Here's what I generally recommend. 1) Find a Core Curriculum (lots of great ones out there specifically designed for parents) 2) Teach yourself, find a teacher or teachers 3) Connect with homeschooling groups in your area On Modulo, we offer curriculum planning, trained teachers, community and support, which pretty much covers the four bases. But you can DEFINITELY set this up on your own and do extremely well. Here's a guide I wrote to getting started/an intro https://www.modulo.app/all-resources/modularlearning https://www.modulo.app/all-resources/modularlearning And definitely reach out to me with any questions. I'm constantly trying to find better ways to make this feel easy and doable for parents, as I truly believe it can be. One thing to keep in mind is that school at home does not need to be 9-3. Since most of it is mastery-based, kids can go through six grades of math easily in six months through an hour of 1-1 instruction every day. Happy to talk more. Feel free to reach out to me anytime with questions or if you just want to chat manisha[at]modulo[dot]app
klyrs 4y ago
Biggest problem: inconsistency in a blended family. My kid goes between two houses. One house has rules, boundaries, and structure; the other has junk food, unlimited tv and no bedtime. Sure, I could talk about behavioral challenges that this causes, but they aren't the problem.
- digisign 4y ago
  Sometimes happens in the same house.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    Very good point. It's so hard to get truly aligned as parents!
- actfrench 4y ago
  My heart really breaks for you here. It is so hard to control what other people do and especially frustrating when it so deeply concerns the person you love the most, your child. What is communication like with you and your child's other parent/s? Are you able to carve out some time to discuss ground rules and shared values, needs and hopes for how your child is raised? I say this knowing absolutely nothing about your relationship with your child's other parent/s, but I would start by building better communication with them around this shared project of raising your child. Ultimately, you are in this together, and if you can find a way to overcome your frustrations and engage in a good dialogue it will benefit your child. I know this might sound very naive, but I am a believer in the power of deep listening and it's ability to heal even the most complex relationships. I know nothing about this person who is co-parenting with you (or it sounds more like parallel parenting:), but perhaps for example, the child is watching lots of TV and eating junk food because your co-parenting feels disorganized and has no idea how to build structure around this, or they're jealous of what a great parent they are and they feel that the only love they have to offer is letting your child indulge in their guilty pleasures. Even if this person is so so difficult, your love for your child can be motivation for opening a productive dialogue, even with the most frustrating human you can imagine. If you're able to bring in a mediator, a professional or a friend, that could also be of support.
willcipriano 4y ago
Childcare. My daughter is 3 and we were able to find a babysitter for a few hours once in her life and that was a fight. The previous generation has decided they don't want to participate in child care like their parents did (I've heard this from friends as well) and as a result my wife and I don't get to go out to dinner together.
- trhoad 4y ago
  I find it pretty mind-boggling that there is the assumption that your parents owe you time to look after your kids...
- upveto 4y ago
  Is childcare stigmatized, or is the price floor higher than you're willing to pay? Maybe both and they're related? This is interesting.
  - nvahalik 4y ago
    Smaller families mean that children don’t participate like they used to. Electronics mean that kids do their own thing. Family life doesn’t seem as “close” as it once was.
    - qwertyX99 4y ago
      ELectronics is not the problem. Its a symptom of kids not being able to play outside (If streets were filled with kids like they used to in the old days, do you think your child would prefer the ipad?) Kids cant play outside because the outside is filled with 2 tons killer machines i.e cars r/fuckcars r/bancars
      - galfarragem 4y ago
        > Kids cant play outside because the outside is filled with 2 tons killer machines i.e cars r/fuckcars r/bancars Kids can't play outside because parents don't allow them to. Single childs were traditionally more protected once they are naturally considered more "precious" and they are slowly becoming the norm. Large family's kids still play outside specially the ones from poor families.
tastysandwich 4y ago
Social media. Can my kids have a healthy relationship with it? On the one hand, I'm inclined to just ban it. On the other hand, if every kid at school is connecting via TikTok, I wouldn't want my child to feel disconnected from their peers. But I really worry. TikTok seems to provide kids with ready access to topics which they are not ready for, pedalled by adults who should know better. Different category of content, but kinda funny in a despairing way. My wife is a teacher and said a recent TikTok challenge was to take a shit and smear it on a wall. And kids were literally doing it. And sharing it on TikTok!
- ipnon 4y ago
  The worst part is how it doesn't stop. The platform is designed to avoid reflection. Whenever you get the opportunity to think about what you just consumed you simply swipe to the next video, and this is a detriment to mental development.
  - Dan_Sylveste 4y ago
    Precisely. It's children's programming in the absolute worst possible interpretation of the term. As a parent I'd 100% ban.
- digisign 4y ago
  Did you parents have a hard time banning Playboy magazine and cigs, even though other kids had access?
  - SantalBlush 4y ago
    Using apps like TikTok is more about participating in pop culture, which is very important for young people.
    - digisign 4y ago
      I'd invite you to read the grandparent's post again, all the way to the end. People tend to forget today but smoking was a very social activity done by all the 'cool kids.'
mikewarot 4y ago
The biggest change since the 1970s when I grew up is the complete bubble kids are kept in, ever since Adam Walsh[1] was kidnapped and murdered. After that case was popularized, society was then fed a steady stream of fear porn. Heck, I found myself afraid to let my child walk home, out of my sight for 5 minutes... The brain washing is so damned effective. This can't possibly be good. [1] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Adam_Walsh https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Adam_Walsh
- muzani 4y ago
  I don't think that was the cause of the bubble. I was a 90s kid. My parents left me alone at home and let me play outside wherever. My wife's parents let her swim in a river alone, or with friends. I wouldn't let my younger kids swim in a 1.5 feet deep pool for fear of drowning.
digisign 4y ago
Luckily we have good kids in the neighborhood. The big problem we do have is google/youtube crammed down our throat by the school district. Yes, interaction with an advertising/surveillance company is required to participate. Even just under 13 where it is ostensibly against their terms of service.
cameron_b 4y ago
How to you approach asymmetrical learning? My son is almost four, and has had some trouble communicating ( speech delay, some consonants not coming out in some words he "learned" earlier ) but he's all-in on bike riding ( pedals since he turned 3, no training wheels ever ) and he loves gardening with us ( can identify most plants in our garden and genuinely helps on good days -- ask him to pick the ( blueberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, borage, chamomile, calendula ) and you'll get what you asked for ). I'm not worried about his development, but I want to brace for school where I'm sure some things will be challenging and others won't challenge him. I know my motivation in school dropped off some when that sense of having to wait for my classmates crept in. How do I keep him engaged on the things that he needs to work on, and celebrate his successes in the things that are easy?
- actfrench 4y ago
  Wow, this is a biggie. I want to address the last part of your question - " How do I keep him engaged on the things that he needs to work on, and celebrate his successes in the things that are easy?" I would actually encourage you to focus your praise on the times he challenges himself past his comfort level, rather than praising him on the things that come easily to him. When you praise a child for grit - working hard - being creative - being resilient, you're fostering a growth mindset, because you're praising him for things he has control over, his efforts, rather than his character or talent which he has no control over. I'm not a stickler about this - I think it's fine to occasionally say, you're so smart! or wow your hair is pretty! But in general, you are going to help his self-esteem and his autonomy in the world by praising hard work more than achievements. Angela Duckworth has a wonderful book on Grit And Carol Dweck has great writing about Growth Mindset I'm glad you're not concerned about his development and you shouldn't be. By the way, Understood.org has great guides to developmental milestones for every grade and age group. https://www.understood.org/en/articles/developmental-milestones-for-typical-kindergartners?_sp=2874e6b9-c5cd-4299-8570-830685fcc349.1656520915860 https://www.understood.org/en/articles/developmental-milesto... Almost every child I know has strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others. This is more pronounced, obviously in kids that are twice-exceptional and neurodivergent. I was even readinga about something called the Einstein Syndrome where brilliant kids experience late language emergence. https://www.healthline.com/health/einstein-syndrome#:~:text=What%20is%20Einstein%20syndrome%3F,the%20curve%20in%20other%20areas https://www.healthline.com/health/einstein-syndrome#:~:text=.... In one of my opinions one of the biggest problems with traditional school is that all kids are expected to learn at the same rate at the same time in a group setting. This is completely unrealistic as every kid in that classroom is going to speed up and slow down and different points in their learning - and the likelihood of that happening for every kid at the same time is close to none. it's also unrealistic to expect each child to be perfectly well balanced. Don't we need thinkers who are really strong in one area and not in all? This is why mastery learning is so impactful. Kids who learn at their own pace are of course going to learn faster. During Covid, I saw multiple kids go through the entire K-6th grade curriculum in 6 months using apps and working 1-1 tutors. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mastery_learning https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mastery_learning You may also want to check out Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligence Theory which really celebrates all the wonderful different intelligences kids bring to the world. And keep praising the hard work and creative work!
jadedbuthappy 4y ago
Public schools in the USA. In particular, trying to find a school in a decent neighborhood that isn't 90% Indian.
- jjeaff 4y ago
  There are lots of good schools in good neighborhoods in the US. I highly doubt that most of them are 90% Indian. In fact, I would hazard a guess that there isn't even one.
- treyfitty 4y ago
  Westchester County, NY doesn’t suffer from this… it’s about a 90-10 split between white and Asian in the affluent areas there (Scarsdale, Chappaqua…etc)
  - jadedbuthappy 4y ago
    I think the east coast is less impacted by it, it's pretty common on the west coast.
- landemva 4y ago
  Yes! My number one problem is trying to undo the woke indoctrination received from the schools.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    Have you considered homeschooling or started already? I think homeschooling is true education, where education and the socialization that happens there is mostly designed to get people to conform to the status quo and step in line. It was after all, designed to produce good workers in factories. Now we're trying to change it so we can make a lot of coding monkeys, but hilariously the system is so broken and brittle that it's even slow to incorporate coding classes to fuel the corporate machine by producing more computer engineers.
    - unethical_ban 4y ago
8note 4y ago
If you want something topical, abortion. Parents who've had enough children already
- actfrench 4y ago
  Yes, I was thinking about how to talk to teens about reproductive health and Roe V Wade would be good.
mtam 4y ago
(1) Social media, (2) Screen time, and (3) Drugs, in that order.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
airbreather 4y ago
Both are formally recognised as autistic (most of my extended family is, I haven't bothered with any formalities myself), but of the nature they are both academically very strong, the oldest one finished high school with over 95% final marks and is in first year uni doing elec eng, his younger sister is top of her year for science, math and music and I have not had to push either of them more than the odd occasion maybe once or twice a year max. But, the oldest one was so anxious about going to uni first two weeks he was throwing up in the morning from anxiety and I wondered if he was going to be able to stick with it - he's doing fine now, looks like he will score around 98% for the advanced eng math in first semester, but it wasn't looking likely he would even attend for a while. He was three and a half when the district nurse pointed out he had 12 words, which I hadn't really noticed because he had no problem communicating, just didn't use a lot of words. When he started primary school they said he would need a full time teachers assistant to aid him to participate in a normal school. I totally couldn't see that at the time because he seemed fine to me. Funding was declined and we just let him go and he was totally fine in the end, better than fine. But it was a small school kept very tightly in order and all expectations were very clear, so he more or less flourished there. His younger sister is anxious quite a bit, she tends to catrasophise and I have only been able to get her on a plane once in 15 years. First few years of high school it was not uncommon for her to be crying in the car out front of school, not wanting to in. She wants to be a chemical engineer and specialise in extreme food science, but that requires a fair amount of socialisation it seems likely. We have gotten some help for both of them and there is stuff going on to help them, from professionals. But socialisation and avoidance of a slide into agoraphobia is by far the hardest thing to help them get along with. I am divorced from the mother and it doesn't help the younger one is not enjoying time at her mothers house for a variety of reasons, so has not spent a night there for months now. They are both wonderful children, gentle and kind and abnormally close siblings, with reasonable manners, when they remember. Grandma is not impressed with their lacker of silver service cutlery wrangling, but I say let them use chopsticks... I guess a lot of people would happily trade places for the positives vs the challenges and I am not unhappy about the situation in any deeply disturbed manner, but worry about them a little sometimes for if adult life takes a lonely or debilitating turn for them some how. I am hoping that the help they are getting now will avert or decrease such event/s, but you never know.
conductr 4y ago
Bullying. Only boy is 3 and goes to a daycare setting. I think there's a lot out there for older kids but, I haven't really had a great sense for how to discuss some of the stuff I have to with him. Like when a kid hits, what if it's the same kid every day, when is defending yourself OK. My kid is a completely non-violent kid and gets his feeling hurt when other kids are. Even in disagreements, he never resorts to pushing, hitting, biting, etc. A lot of the stuff he's been subjected to are probably not bullying. But, just rougher kids (who may have older siblings so a bit more rough and tumble). My kid also enjoys sharing with friends and unfortunately that's a skill many kids his age have not acquired. However, at times, I feel like I'm raising a pacifist because I don't want to condone violence, however, I very much intend to teach him (in time) that standing up for himself is acceptable and will likely be required in some situations. I just I don't know when that is and just kind of floundering my way through. A big fear of mine is he ends up a target of bullying in a sustained manner. I personally remember being young and was never bullied because I never allowed it. There's always going to be another kid trying to show off or elevate his social capital at the expense of another kid's; and I was very aware of that dynamic and made sure to never allow it (even throwing the first punch if that's what was needed). These are different times though.
- actfrench 4y ago
  I am so sorry to hear that this has been happening to your child. It is absolutely 100% your responsibility of your child's teachers to protect your child from getting hurt (whether it's intentional or unintentional) And it's completely your right and your prerogative as a parent to insist that they do so. Pacifists should be strong and stand up for themselves. When I think of Ghandi, Martin Luther King, these are very strong and powerful people Pacifist does not mean pacifism. I think you can talk to him about standing up for himself, but really age 3 is very young. If anything, you can model standing up for yourself verbally. However, at age 3, the most important is that you insist that your teachers take care and protect him from getting hurt. If they are not responsive, I would suggest you leave that daycare. If you need another childcare option, I'll help you find one. Your kid is too young to defend himself. He's only three. He needs the support of attentive staff who know how to protect children and set appropriate limits for kids bullying or roughousing - contacting their parents if necessary. The best way to teach your son to stand up for himself is to stand up for him NOW.
McSwag 4y ago
Raising one teenager with severe ADHD out of three kids. Homework and general academic work is a constant battle. Reactions range from outright refusal to do anything, explaining things, 10 seconds later, having to repeat the same thing, rinse and repeat. Simple assignments take all day. The same assignment would take younger sibling 20 minutes. At worst, the stubbornness to not work through it, even with one on one tutoring or assistance will result in putting head into arms for hours. Still figuring it out. Would love more advice on that.
- actfrench 4y ago
  This is really hard and hard to give specific advice since I don't know much about your particular child and all kids with ADHD are of course, different. One thing I've witnessed quite a bit is that they may not have the right kind of work/tools that supports their learning style. For example some kids who detest doing math worksheets at school, thrive with a physical curriculum like Right Start Math or a fun game-based app like Beast Academy or Prodigy Game. Your child may also not see the point of the homework they're doing, why it will benefit them in life. Do you feel like you understand the point of the homework and are sure it will benefit them? That could be good to explore. It would be good to take a look at what activities your student enjoys and is good at. For example, do they like watching youtube videos? Maybe then, they'd enjoy a program like Math Antics. Do they like video games? Maybe they'd like an app like Brain Pop or Math Tango. Do they enjoy nature and the outdoors? Maybe a progam like Blossom and Root (nature-based) would work better for them. Can your school have any flexibility around assignments they don't enjoy and aren't conducive to how they learn? Happy to discuss in more detail your particular situation and how to navigate things with your child and the school system to help them thrive. I am sure they would also love to learn, be successful and for homework not to be painful and a bore.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    I just noticed you said your child was a teenager, so Blossom and Root and Math Tango would be too little for them, but there are definitely great tools for the older group. Dragon Box Algebra is a fun one. If you can tell me a little more about their grade level and activities they enjoy privately or on this thread, I'd be happy to point you in some directions. If you are set in staying in a traditional school environment, I think you are going to have to work with the system to provide them curricula that is more conducive to how they learn well.
sul_tasto 4y ago
For teen boys who are into sports and going to the gym: supplements and steroids. Steroids are a much bigger problem than anyone is acknowledging.
- zen_1 4y ago
  I mean supplements alone (like protein shakes, creatine powder and friends) are completely fine, but I do agree that steroid use in young men is a hidden epidemic. Especially since almost everyone claims to be fully "natty".
- actfrench 4y ago
  Wow. This is horrific. I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure where the root of the problem lies, but it certainly ties into the goals of school for me. Are we trying to nurture young minds and bodies - or build the reputation of the school (with a winning sports team, getting kids into Ivy League schools, etc). I'm so sorry to hear this and will definitely explore further and try to bring light to this issue. If you can give me more info or would be willing to talk about what you're facing, please feel free to reach out - manisha[at]modulo[dot]app
qwertyX99 4y ago
Childcare + car-centric urban planning robbed their safe space for play and socializing: Childcare is unreliable, very expensive, patchy, and time-consuming to sort out. School starts at 9am and finishes at 3pm. This is incompatible with working hours. Also, tt would help parents who WFH if kids could play outside (like I used to when I was a kid). They can't because car-centric street designs took their space. Children are an after-thought whose needs don't fit into modern society.
- agent008t 4y ago
  School from 9am to 3pm at a young age when childcare is most required is ridiculously long hours. This suggests to me that schools already take on much of the daycare role. That to me also seems very wrong. School should first and foremost concern itself with effective education. If children can only study effectively for 2-3 hours a day, that is how long schoolday should last. Parents that need childcare should seek it elsewhere - that should be outside of the scope of schools' responsibilities.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    Totally agree. Our current school schedule is based on a 1930's farm schedule and hasn't changed in the last 100 years. Currently school is trying to do education, socialization and childcare in one big lump and doing all poorly. I fear though, that if school was not responsible for childcare, there would be no support at all for childcare for working parents - and we've seen the disastrous childcare crisis already in effect for ages 0-5. So this problem needs attention too. I wrote more about the idiocy of lumping childcare, education and socialization together here : https://manisharoses.medium.com/not-school-or-homeschooling-but-modular-learning-5233927f8fc9 https://manisharoses.medium.com/not-school-or-homeschooling-...
    - agent008t 4y ago
      Thanks, good article. I have a data point that is perhaps relevant. I went to school in Eastern Europe in the 90s, and my education from secondary school onwards was naturally modular. Normal day school was from 8:30-12:40 or 8:30-13:30 most days, with homework afterwards. But it was effectively optional - quality of education was tailored to the lowest common denominator, and it was universally understood that you are not getting into any decent university by just attending school. Universities set their own entrance exams, school marks did not matter to them, and they did not care how you got to reach the high entrance bar that they set. So teachers, principals, parents all understood and acknowledged that preparing for entrance exams comes first, that they are probably not qualified enough to prepare you, and so school comes second. And there were many options for actually learning. Many parents paid for private tutors. But there were also (free) computer clubs, where somebody would volunteer to work with children on programming or 3d modelling projects - some structured, and some unstructured, where you would just turn up, try to create, ask questions and be helped out, progressing at your own pace through your own interest. There were very affordable maths and physics classes by post - where they would mail you textbooks and a timetable, and you would mail back completed homework, receiving feedback. There were evening schools, some of them free, where you would attend lectures and classes in person, mostly geared towards maths and physics, which would give you first class education - if you cared to learn. If you skipped school or did not do your homework, or were even working on something of your own during classes, it was tolerated by the 'compulsory' schools. So effectively, you were free to pursue your own modular education in the spirit that you describe. And those that wanted to learn, people that I know, did very well out of it.
sul_tasto 4y ago
I think post-covid behavior problems are also big. Being locked down for two years was not good for kids. I think it’s possible to address these issues kids are facing while also avoiding the political land mines adults argue over.
- actfrench 4y ago
  100% it has been SO hard for all these kids and they really need a break. Us too. It's important we give them time to enjoy and re-connect this summer, and lay easy on them. Lay easy on ourselves too.
aristofun 4y ago
Where the f.. take another few hours a day?
AnimalMuppet 4y ago
My biggest problem as a parent is my own selfishness - selfishness of my own time and mental energy.
- actfrench 4y ago
  It's so important for you to take good care of yourself as a parent. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting your child! First of all, you are more grounded and able to better perform an incredibly intricate job that requires a ton of emotional and physical energy (being a parent). Second, you are a better role model to your child. You are modeling that self-care is important and that self-care serves others well. I think that's much different than being selfish. Being selfish is not caring about the needs of others to the point of neglect. Do you feel that your self-care is negatively impacting your child? Would be nice to hear more about how you feel what you perceive as selfishness to be a problem for your child. Not only is self-care important, but there is a lot of research that shows helicoptering kids (giving them too much attention) is actually really bad for them. The Dean of Stanford, Julie Lythcott-Haims did a whole talk on this. Kids have book smarts, but not skills to live independently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-5URlswrQ8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-5URlswrQ8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyElHdaqkjo&t=496s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyElHdaqkjo&t=496s
  - AnimalMuppet 4y ago
    Absolutely. And yet, too often I went too far the other way - protecting myself too much, withdrawing to try to make mental space for myself rather than sharing that space with my kids. It's a balance. You can go wrong by going too far in either direction. But I know which side I went wrong on.
    - actfrench 4y ago
      I'm glad that you have that self-awareness. Parents are human too and it's great that your kids had the chance to see you cultivate that self-awareness, own up to your mistakes and grow as a person.
Amy_W 4y ago
[dead]
treis 4y ago
I got two things: (1) School didn't work for me. Typical dumb smart kid that was bored and had mediocre grades because I was too stubborn to do homework. What sort of alternatives are there and how well they work. (2) Struggling as a Dad with the new societal expectations. Basically I've got all the responsibilities dad's of my parents generation had (make money, fix the house/car/lawn, investments, etc.) plus the addition of half the parenting, cooking, etc that used to be 100% the woman's responsibility. To add insult to injury I'm still largely treated as a second class parent. Drs and teachers tend to talk to my wife and not me and so on. Don't know that I exactly have a story idea with #2. But it'd be nice to see people talk about it outside of toxic men's rights subtrddits.
- actfrench 4y ago
  1) I think you’d be really interested in taking a look at twice-exceptional and profoundly gifted kids. My overarching thought on this is that mastery learning works so much better than classroom-style learning and any education solution that allows for 1-1 learning where students advance at their own pace, moving on to the next concept when they’ve mastered the one before it -whether that’s parent-led instruction , tutoring or self-directed with books and apps is going to be so so much faster. That’s why you see a lot of techies like nir eyal, naval, eric ries, Albert Wenger, doing modular learning or homeschooling w their kids. Mastery learning leads to two sigma better scores than group learning. And kids do learn Aton through play but there is no reason we have to smoosh together academic learning and social learning. Check out Benjamin bloom. 2) as an educator, I often find that the mom can take a more proactive role and I always wonder if I should say something. I don’t know where you live but the world is changing and I think it’s totally cool to shake up bad habits. You can absolutely tell your kids educator (in a kind way) that you are really passionate about your kids education and would love to be included just as much as mom. Or say hey I notice you direct correspondence to mom, We’re equal partners in this do can you include me ? I think many will be thrilled. On the other hand, I will say it can be useful to have one point person in the family. It’s just a lot of extra but important work teachers do communicating with parents and having to do it twice doubled the load. Maybe that point person could be you instead of your partner ! Be the leader in changing the culture !
tmaly 4y ago
I have two kids 9 and 4. I would be curious to know how to develop better growth mindset / go-getter attitude in kids? I know the classic way is to add the word "yet" to something they say they can't. But what are some practical activities and ideas that can be applied today?

>But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice I didn't see if you mentioned ages which is likely a big factor. I only have one kid that's 3.7 but tantrums have been rare for us; probably just different kids and the fact he get's all our attention but here's a couple things we do and mainly it's about preventatively avoiding the triggers to a tantrum situation 1. talk everything out ahead of it happening so it's not a surprise when it happens, remind them repeatedly, and make it positive 2. when I know Mom will be gone and that might be tough, I plan a few things that are different or fun and we only ever do those things during that time so he is actually excited that Mom is leaving (we call it having Dada/[son's name] fun time). I'll talk about these things during #1 and he'll tell Mom about it when she returns 3. just me, but I wouldn't mention ice cream to my kid until afterwards as a reward for the decent behavior (he wouldn't think about the fact he behaved poorly and would just expect ice cream when Mom got home then it would be WW3, I'd have to then stick to my guns because I never cave in to the tantrum) 4. sleep management as discussed, hunger as well 5. we never ignore it. we shut it down and discuss how that behavior is completely unacceptable. we allow the time for him to calm down, have a time out if it went that direction, then we reflect on the event and have a conversation about why [whatever it was] is happening and why their attitude is not acceptable. our kid responds to being talked to like an adult, we just have to break it down and explain the reasoning and he understands it. 6. a majority of our tantrums are due to his sense of something not being fair. Like if we changed our mind on something without fully explaining, or in an undeserving punitive way. So we avoid this. We strive to be fair in our interactions. See the ice cream example in #3 and proactively avoiding a potential moment of perceived inequity. 7. Communicate a lot. Explain your rationale. Don't be a dictator type parent. I think this is common parenting and takes some creativity/patience to never say "because I said so". Best of luck to you!

actfrench 4y ago

I'm really sorry to hear this. And I want to share that what you've said here concerns me. I've been working with children for over twenty years and I would say that it's highly unusual to hear of a child throw a tantrum for four hours at a time. And especially concerning to hear that they're being violent or destroying things in your house. I would be the last person to try to diagnose someone from a thread on hacker news (and forgive me if you've already done this), but it's possible, I would strongly recommend that you reach out to a qualified therapist for support. It's possible that their might be other issues at play in what's causing these tantrums such as autism, sensory processing disorder or attachment disorder. A qualified behavioral interventionist can help. I would also be concerned about what is going on when you are not at home. Maybe there is a good reason for them to feel unsafe when you leave the house. I'm not sure who is there when you are gone, but there are so many cases of children being sexually abused by family members and sitters (steparents, uncles, cousins, siblings) and this is something we unfortunately need to be on guard for. I'm not saying this to scare you, but getting to the bottom of what's going on while you're gone could be important. I'm happy to hear that getting more sleep has helped your family. Sleep is golden! And it's also wonderful that you are explaining things clearly to the kids about when you're going out and when you get back. I am a huge fan of explaining things in the most minute detail possible to children so they understand your need and the logic of the situation. If you don't need additional help and feel you have this situation under control, forgive me for weighing in. However, if you would like support and knowledge about additional resources to pursue, I would be very happy to speak to you further and be of support. You seem like a very caring and wonderful parent and every parent deserves as much support as they can get in raising their kids. My email is manisha[at]modulo[dot]app Please feel free to reach out anytime

actfrench 4y ago

I would disagree with this wording "are trying to manipulate to get what they want." And it sounds like from the rest of the things you said, that you also agree with me that it's important to focus on the unmet need. Younger kids generally throw tantrums because they have a need that is not being met. It is possible that they may learn over time that a parent gives them whatever they want when they throw a tantrum, but this comes with time. I think that whether you're dealing with a manipulative child or a manipulative adult, there is always a need that's not being met, whether that's a need for love, validation, more sleep or a healthier breakfast. Rarely is a young child going to consciously decide to throw a tantrum to get some naughty, forbidden thing. Let's be realistic. THey're not criminal masterminds. These tantrums are rarely pre-meditated. Why not trust your child, give them the benefit of the doubt and not assume they are lying or trying to manipulate you? I bet if they see your trust, they'll tell you the truth about what's really bothering them. It can be confusing for a young child to try to sort through it all and figure out what they need. So you can help them! And if you really feel this tantrum is just a ploy to get what they want, then you may have taught them that they did get what they want when they threw tantrums in the mast. Maybe consider having a talk with them about how the past where you simply say, hey, I know that in the past I've given you candy when you cried, but I'm not going to do that anymore because I see it's making you cry more. I understand you are sad and can continue to cry for candy if you want, but I'm not going to give it to you. THe time you will get candy is xyz. Janet Lansbury did a whole podcast on how to address a situation where a child's emotions seem fake and manipulative here https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/04/when-a-childs-emotions-seem-fake-and-manipulative/ https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/04/when-a-childs-emotions...

digisign 4y ago
You may not be giving kids enough credit. Sure they may not be able to do these things at two but a four year old is a lot more cunning. I could give examples, but everyone's got 'em.
- actfrench 4y ago
  No 4 year old ever pre-meditated a temper tantrum. They may have learned it gets them what they want, but there’s probably a good reason they want that thing that can be explored abd they can be taught better ways of asking for what they want and need or dealing when they don’t get it. They are not malicious
  - digisign 4y ago
    Oh, never said they were malicious. But, they know how to get ice cream, and won't hesitate to try. Until the parents catch on that is.

theonething 4y ago
Have you done any research on the advantages and disadvantages of having only one child and the effects it has on children? I tend to hear about all the disadvantages, not so much the advantages. That would be an interesting blog topic (to me at least).
abraxas 4y ago
Thank you for the great response and to fill in some details here, my son is 10 and he goes to a public school and has a handful of friends through school but unfortunately none of them are within a walking distance. He likes the kind of stuff that I imagine most 10 year olds like these days. He's into Minecraft, robot kits, bicycles, plays pickleball and is learning to play the saxophone. Where we live is a suburban neighborhood that has a couple of kids in his age bracket but they aren't close friends. We live in a lower middle class subdivision but have a pretty high net worth and tend to gravitate towards activities that other neighbors likely can't afford. Stuff like skiing or tips abroad for example. On the flip side they do stuff that doesn't draw us in like hunting or ATV. That's to say that we are not close to any of our neighbors and our kids don't often hang out although everyone is friendly so far as I can tell.
- actfrench 4y ago
  Ah wonderful ! This is so helpful ! A couple ideas 1) So first of all, I’m assuming you are already proactive about organizing play dates ? If you can invite another kid to your house at least once a week after school to play, do homework and have dinner together, I think that would be great. Maybe the other parent would reciprocate ! And sleepover on weekends ! 2) Minecraft Club! Can you set up a Minecraft club at your house ? Invite the classmagrsx over after school every Friday to play Minecraft and have pizza:) 3) Arduino robotics club : if you don’t have one you can start one at your house. 4)social/bonding after-school activities : soccer and other team sports, theater, board games, cheerleading anything collaborative/team-oriented , not so much ballet/ski/individualistic stuff 5) date night babysitting co-op. Can you get another couple with a kid your child’s age to babysit for him while you go on a date night and then you do the same for them ? You could even do it w four couples and everyone gets a night out while the kids get a party :) Let me know how it goes and if you want tips on setting this up. Try one idea at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed

actfrench 4y ago

Thank you Jacob! And thank you so much for making me laugh. I'd also be very happy to speak to you at any time about this wonderful world ahead of you:) With regards to Worldschooling: Did you have any questions in particular? Most parents choose a core curriculum and then set off on their adventures. Some also bring a tutor or take online classes to supplement - and definitely they do lots of field trips while traveling! That's the best education. And it's great if you can stay with a family while you travel and then do the same honor for them when they visit your country. Here's a free curriculum planner I developed after a lot of research and conversations with parents. https://modulolearning.typeform.com/to/VBJmkLTu https://modulolearning.typeform.com/to/VBJmkLTu If you don't already work remotely, here's a blog I wrote about jobs for homeschooling parents https://manisharoses.medium.com/cool-gigs-for-homeschool-parents-a2fe3d92e39f https://manisharoses.medium.com/cool-gigs-for-homeschool-par... And here's a blog I wrote about what a "typical day" as a Modular Learner could look like. Very applicable to teaching your kid on a sailboat:) https://www.modulo.app/all-resources/modularlearning https://www.modulo.app/all-resources/modularlearning Worldschooling is pretty fantastic. I would start with Meta worldschooling groups. People there are so fantastic and always excited to share ideas - and even share their homes! you can also take a look at SEA homeschoolers which encompasses all types of secular homescschooling. Just search for world schooling Worldschoolers https://www.facebook.com/groups/worldschoolers/ https://www.facebook.com/groups/worldschoolers/ SEA homeschoolers https://www.facebook.com/groups/seahomeschoolers https://www.facebook.com/groups/seahomeschoolers Some cool Worldschooling youtube channels https://www.youtube.com/hashtag/worldschooling https://www.youtube.com/hashtag/worldschooling With regards to your pitch: I pretty much love your kid. Did you follow up about if she wanted to - or did she just keep dodging the question? Maybe she didn't know that something so wonderful could be true! Most of the kids in our community just say they go to "Modulo" Some have named their own schools! We currently have a "Mommy School" and a "Super School." Yours could be called "Silly Dadda School" I'm a big believer in child's rights, but I generally wouldn't ask a 3, 4 year old or even 5 year where they wanted to go to school. Honestly, what do they know about school options? They really don't understand the options. I'd just tell them where they were going or start doing it. Is she going to be checking October 8 if you've filed your homeschool paperwork or enrolled in the public school lottery. I doubt it. You could also start going to homeschool meetups near you and she'll start making friends there. Many parents take toddlers. Hope this helps! Please do feel free to reach out directly with any questions you have. I'd love to chat more manisha[at]modulo[dot]app

actfrench 4y ago

Thanks so much Will. I agree that this is the biggest strain that most parents face. With regards to grandparents opting out of childcare: Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that your parents (I'm assuming that's what you mean by the previous generation) isn't willing to participate. This is actually the first time that I've heard this trend, so I'm surprised and troubled you've heard it from others. In the past, I tended to diagnose this problem as one of nuclear families moving away from grandparents, cousins and uncles (as it doesn't seem to be an issue for friends of mine in countries such as Iran where families live closer together, even if both parents are working). I'm curious to know why the grandparents aren't helping. Is it lack of desire? Is it because they are still working and don't have time/energy to help with the kids? Is it because they had to pay for babysitters and expect you to do the same? I'm really curious to learn more about this if you or any of your friends would be open to a chat. With regards to separation anxiety: It also sounds that your daughter is feeling, very naturally, attached and not wanting you to leave for a few hours, which can be really hard. In the past, I really encourage parents to prioritize self-care for the well-being of their child. It can be hard to see a young child cry and complain, but remember that by taking a few hours for dinner to strengthen your relationship with your partner, you are being incredibly kind to your child (by keeping the relationship that supports her safe). Even if a child cries and complains, I suggest that parents explain in very vivid detail why this going out is the best for their well being. You can honor her feelings of sadness at the separation and share your own feelings of being sad that you'll be apart - and then leave. Boundaries are love. Adele Faber wrote a phenomenal book called "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I think it is hands down the best book on compassionately communicating boundaries to children. With regards to finances: I'm reading this into it since you'd prefer to have your parents help rather than pay someone, have you considered a child care share? I've heard from many families that participating in a babysitting co-op or care share has been one of the most rich and rewarding experiences of their life. I've written quite a bit about childcare shares but your post and some requests from friends have inspired me to write a new blog about this topic.

actfrench 4y ago
One other item I'd add to this is that as a single person with no children and no nephews or nieces, I love babysitting my friends' kids for free. In our culture, it often feels uncomfortable to ask friends to do a favor like, this but it can be really gratifying for both parties. Here's a blog about why I babysit for free - and how I get as much as I give. https://manisharoses.medium.com/why-i-babysit-for-free-b311b5850a04 https://manisharoses.medium.com/why-i-babysit-for-free-b311b...
11101010001100 4y ago
To add a data point, the lack of interest from grandparents in helping caught us off guard. It would seem that the idea of enjoying retirement means irregular and undependable extra hands.
- actfrench 4y ago
  Why do you think this is?
  - 11101010001100 4y ago
    Many reasons. A few that come to mind: -Desire to travel (or accomplish whatever their retirement plans are) before they are too old. -Just like we don't really know how to parent, they don't know how to parent. -Parenting has become polarized with (mis-)information overload manifesting in disagreement between parents and grandparents. -...
    - actfrench 4y ago
      Interesting about the retirement thing. I think most parents know how to parent and teach better than they'd realize. Parents are so disempowered. They are shoved out of education and told they can't teach because they are not trained teachers. They are constantly judged and told how to parent then others, so they no longer trust themselves and their instincts. Sad about the arguments around how to parent caused by misinformation or information overload.

actfrench 4y ago

This is such a toughie. There is so much research coming out that's demonstrating the horrendous impact social media is having on teen's mental health. At the same time, I'm a firm believer it's important to give teens their freedom and autonomy. That said, would you let your kids smoke cigarettes, do drugs, drink a lot of alcohol? Can we reliably say that social media isn't as bad or worse? I think one problem that we are all backtracking post-Covid. so many parents who never wanted their kids to go online were forced to do that during the pandemic because it was the only way for them to learn and socialize. So how do we say, it was ok before, but it's not Ok now. We recognize we let you do this before, but now we're setting a limit for xyz reason. One thing you may want to remember is that boundaries are love. So if you really feel that this is endangering your child and you feel equipped to set a healthy boundary, than go ahead and by all means do it! You say "I wouldn't want my child to feel disconnected from their peers," but I have some serious doubts as to whether social media actually really makes us more connected. Aren't they going to be more connected to their peer if they go on a hike together as opposed to send each other Tik Tok videos of people doing a shit on the wall challenge? Ultimately, social media is addictive and I think things that cause addiction go in a special category. First of all, I'd research as much as you can about the impact of social media and share this in detail with your teen. Ask them how they feel about healthy limits and explore together what these limits could be. I'd also consider bringing other parents in on the limit setting. Maybe you could suggest that your PTA host a meeting about this. If all the parents ban together, than it will be less of something that only YOUR teen can do. Perhaps I'm old-fashioned but I do believe that knowledge is power and the more knowledge you can share and explore together with your teen together, the better. Last not least, if you limit your teens social media usage, you should limit your own as well. It's not fair to ask them to do something you are not doing yourself. I am going to write more on this topic because it's a huge one and is impacting all parents with teens (video games too by the way)

actfrench 4y ago

Hi Jadedbuthappy, I see that you are new to Hacker News. I'd flag this comment as racist, but I want to support you in finding a truly nurturing education for your child that will help them thrive intellectually, socially, emotionally and be a person who contributes a positive influence in the world. I would never write a blog about not attending a school that's not 90% Indian, because that would be racist and have very little to no impact on the quality of your child's education. If you're looking for a school that is truly diverse, I would suggest you don't just look at nationality/color, but look at diversity of thought, diversity of religion, diversity of household income, diversity of gender, etcentera. I would also point out that India itself is an incredibly diverse country, one of the most diverse in the world, with a huge array of political and religious beliefs. I also want to add that you'd be fortunate to attend a school that is 90% Indian. One of the biggest factors in the success of a public school is the involvement of parent's in their children's education. I don't like to make generalizations, but of all the populations, I've worked with Indian families are the most passionate about providing high quality education for their kids, education that is not limited to career advancement, but truly nurturing their minds and spirits. If you're trying to find a school in a decent neighborhood (you didn't mention anything about India), I would recommend refining your characteristics about what it means for a school to be "good." Are you looking at test scores, student happiness, curriculum? I think it can be very hard to find a public school that isn't completely overextended with crowded classrooms, teacher shortages and having to conform their curriculum to standardized exams. Public schools are overcrowded and overstandardized. Private schools are extremely expensive, hard to get in and often are aiming to get kids into Ivy League schools more than anything else. That is why I often recommend that families do it themselves and educate their kids through homeschool/modular learning, a combination of tutors, classes and skill shares with other parents. This allows the kind of mastery learning kids need to thrive. Here is a blog I wrote about modular learning, which is an alternative to traditional school and homeschool. These communities also tend to be incredibly diverse and inclusive.

conductr 4y ago
Thanks very much and totally appreciate the concern! I think perhaps my words or tone miscommunicated the severity of the issue and that it's more of a future concern given his peaceful personality and my opinion that it will be targeted/challenged by a future bully (unless my kid lucks into some high status level/popularity within the social order of his future peers). I really do think what has happened to date; it's very normal toddler version of "boys being boys" and he's not actually being bullied. If you're around kids, boys especially, you know/see that those with older siblings (esp. brothers) play differently/rougher then those with no siblings. And conflict mitigation tactics are too advanced to teach; even the concept of "sharing" falls apart when the other party does not grasp it. We certainly talk to teachers/admins when something concerning happens and have requested separation from certain individual kids that are repeatedly problems. It's never been an issue and the teachers are as watchful/caring as can be expected. Our son doesn't quite have the skills to verbalize things so that's part of the problem (is a kid friend/enemy? did you do something to cause it? was it accident/on purpose? Context becomes fuzzy but is important). All in all, he's our only and things like this are exactly why we wanted him to go to a daycare vs nanny/in-home care. The social skills he's acquired far outweigh the difficulties of this topic. However, all said, I wish I knew how to talk to him about it when he does confide in me about something happening; I feel like I'm floundering in those moments. And again, how/when to have those conversations about self-defense. He's too young now, but I feel like the world has a zero-tolerance on violence and I don't agree with that approach. One day, I will teach my kid to hit back and I'd like to at least read other opinions on how that conversation should go. It seems like a taboo subject. But, I don't care if my kid get's the punishment under a zero-tolerance school for hitting back/self defense. This is probably the crux of my dilemma, I have to teach him something that goes against his school's rules and explain how violence is OK in a very conditional way that nobody else will talk about yet also teach him that following rules is important.
- actfrench 4y ago
  I think this is pretty typical daycare behavior but it doesn’t mean it’s ok and shouldn’t be dealt with. certainly would encourage your son to use his words and set healthy boundaries, such as “you may not hit me.” And to ask for help from the teacher. I would not encourage to teach him to hit back as that would most certainly escalate the situation and put him in greater danger as a child and adult. Not sure about “boys will be boys “ that seems to be normalizing male violence in a way I don’t agree with and am uncomfortable with. Would it be ok with you if a colleague hit you ? No it’s not ok at work and not ok at the Oscars. These boys rough housing need to learn to self-regulate and that is best done by a skilled educator who helps them learn and sets healthy boundaries with healthy consequences. You might want to consider enrolling him in a karate class or some other martial arts class if you want to teach him how to have a strong presence that no one messes with and defend, not attack if absolutely necessary. I will share that at three times in my life, I’ve been in danger of a sexual assault, once at the door of my apartment in nyc at 5am, once in the Paris subway and once in a stairwell in Haifa . In each occasion , without thinking I turned around , hit my attackers arm away from me and screamed in my loudest deepest voice from the depths of my lungs “NOooooo!!!!” In each occasion they swiveled around and ran for their life (I will add I’m a petite 5’4 woman and they were much taller and stronger ) Had I hit them back, the situation might have ended much differently. Please do not teach your child to hit back. Please know it is normal to ask teachers to intervene if your child is physically hurt. When you intervene on behalf of your young child, he will feel safer and so he will feel stronger because he knows you are protecting him he will develop the power to protect himself.