14 ms·

A picture of me

283 points by memorable 4y ago

ljsocal 4y ago
You nailed it at the end. Loving others and doing meaningful things for them is what makes me feel connected and happy.
mensetmanusman 4y ago
Community is showing up. Find anywhere and go there once a week at the same time.
- Simon_O_Rourke 4y ago
  Never a truer word said - get out and (initially) get uncomfortable. It's like money in the bank, it'll save up some nice social kudos eventually.
- vlunkr 4y ago
  This took me too long to learn. We're told over and over to "be yourself," but sometimes you have to make an effort to be like everyone else. I see in the author and in myself sometimes a weird sense of pride in having unusual opinions and tastes. This isn't going to win you any friends or impress anyone. If you're just waiting for someone to show up that shares all your thoughts, then you're going to continue to be alone.
  - ip26 4y ago
    As I like to think of it, “being yourself” and “becoming a friendlier more approachable version of yourself” are not incompatible.
  - ncmncm 4y ago
    Most people trying to make sense of the instruction don't know themselves well enough to be that authentic self, particularly those perceived as unpleasant. They almost always turn out to be aping somebody they knew, read about, or saw in a movie, and never questioned whether there was a better way for themself. The best ways to your authentic self are to make things and help other people. The worse off they are, the bigger the difference you can make.
- allenu 4y ago
  This is so true. Friendship and connection really does take work, and a lot of it is just being visible so people become comfortable with you and you with them. A community where you're actively doing something together is helpful as well since it takes away the pressure of the "goal" of making friends. I remember years ago wanting to increase my friendship network, so I started going to meetups to meet people. Specifically, a few were meetups for people to meet other people to make new friends. What I found was it felt so much like dating. The events themselves were secondary and to me I felt out of place, like I was trying to impress other people or else sussing out other people to see if they were friendship material. A few years later I took up swing dancing and started going regularly to classes and eventually (it took a while) I started going to weekly social dances. With swing dancing, I wasn't there to make friends necessarily. I enjoyed the dancing aspect. After a while, I realized I did make friends and felt part of a community. I recognized other regulars and felt like I belonged. It took a lot of work to get there, but a lot of it didn't feel like work because I found an activity I wanted to do each week.
- ribs 4y ago
  Hells yeah. Show up. People will eventually start expecting you. Then inviting you to things. Then you’ll make plans. To do things together. And when the time to meet up approaches, sometimes you’ll feel like you don’t want to go. And that’s when you say to yourself “oh, you don’t feel much like going. How interesting. Now get off your ass and go do what you said you were going to do.”
- AlwaysRock 4y ago
  100%. I thought I was good at making friends becuase I always had a friend group I could do stuff with. Turns out I just had a hobby that forced me to show up at the same place 1-2 times a week with the same group of people. I continued that hobby in every new city I moved to and easily "made friends" there. It's kind of silly but honestly a lot of friendships are just the people one sees most often.
  - overeater 4y ago
    What was that hobby?
    - AlwaysRock 4y ago
      Improv for many years. Recently its been MMA.
ribs 4y ago
Posted here on HN by the author?
- realslimjd 4y ago
  No
MerelyMortal 4y ago
A (The?) documentary about Aurê and Aurá: https://youtube.com/watch?v=kGuxaY8HPjs https://youtube.com/watch?v=kGuxaY8HPjs
- lvass 4y ago
  Understanding one of the languages used here, and seeing the included subtitles, I'd take no part of this documentary true, the subtitles are just absurd. What an absolute shame, for something so interesting, I don't even understand how something like this happens.
  - guerrilla 4y ago
    Oh wow, that's incredibly far off... They must be summarizing longer conversations, right????
  - aaaaaaaaaaab 4y ago
    Could you go into some detail?
    - lvass 4y ago
      The majority of subtitles are just not what's being said at all, for no reason I could discern. It's not like what's being said is strongly at odds with the documentary, it feels like the person writing the subtitles was mostly guessing what's being said. A lot of things are really off too, they avoided the obvious questions about trying to understand the language, and also made the government look unreasonably effective in a way no brazilian would consider remotely likely to happen.
- silisili 4y ago
  Pretty crummy IMO to compare himself to that poor man. He literally cannot communicate with anyone in the world, but wants to. He's constantly telling stories nobody can understand. That has to be some kind of nightmare impossible to comprehend. The author just chooses not to talk to people. Not the same thing at all.
brundolf 4y ago
Something I've learned is that you don't love and connect with people because of who they are; you don't often find people you magically feel close to or interested in right at the beginning. You can't hold out for that. You love and connect with people because... you love and connect with them. The more time you spend, the more you share about yourself, the more moments you have together- relationships will usually become deep and meaningful as a result, almost regardless of where they started. If you ask questions that tug on the threads of a person's life, you'll find that almost everyone is interesting. If you take a leap and invest time and energy in people, you'll find life-giving connection you didn't even know could have been there. It can be hard to bootstrap this process. Like financial poverty, it takes energy to invest in the interactions that eventually lift you out of the lack of energy, which can be a catch-22. But the advice is the same: scrimp and save at first, and then spend strategically until you can get the flywheel going. But I can almost guarantee that the boundary you're facing is your own shortage of energy, not a shortage of opportunities for connection. Not to trivialize that; it's still a hard place to be in. But I think it would be more productive to re-frame things as such.
- sdwr 4y ago
  I love this comment! Feels like the perfect words coming from a great direction. Adding on: - the perfect is the enemy of the good - it gets easier, you just have to do it every day - we forge the chains we wear in life - jibjab hotdogs
- uniqueuid 4y ago
  The same goes for spouses, by the way. You don't have a happy marriage/partnership because you met the person of your dreams and then both accidentally stay the same person forever. Happy marriages exist because people continuously and mutually change each other in a positive way.
  - brundolf 4y ago
    That's a big part of it, though I think it's fair to be a little more selective when there's only going to be one person in that role for the rest of your life But there's no such constraint on other relationships. Those deserve an abundance-mindset; go out into the world, see what people are like, don't assume you already know what you're looking for, see which relationships stick. You have almost nothing to lose. Edit: That said, lots of people are way too far on this end of the spectrum even when it comes to life-partnerships. The key is to dial in and not overestimate how much you actually know about other people, the world, and even yourself.
noduerme 4y ago
>> I cannot take seriously all these fleeting pastimes and bucket lists and ultra-specific cultural critiques when the world is a horrible place that is going to implode soon if we don't do something about it. This seems to preemptively foreclose interest in any kind of initial conversation or meeting anyone where they are. And does so because there's something more important. Everything everyone does is a waste of time because the world is imploding and we should be doing something about it. Well, what's the author doing about it? Volunteering? They might meet people they wanted to talk to, even agreed with and could have serious conversations about non-ephemeral things with, if they spent some time trying to be part of the solution, by helping any of literally thousands of organizations that could make use of their time and energy to try to prevent or reduce the severity of an implosion. Otherwise how is sitting around feeling sorry for yourself any more noble than people doing their bucket lists or having stupid surface level conversations?
- koboll 4y ago
  That line revealed to me, as someone who has dealt with similar things, that his real problem now is depression. It's not just sadness, it's an inability to perceive a future where things get better, or even a future at all. Sadly this mentality tends to make it more difficult to do the things you need to dig yourself out of a depressive episode. It's self-reinforcing.
- eloisius 4y ago
  I agree, and I'm surprised to see so much positive feedback in the comments here. Being disinterested in 99.9% of what other people care about isn't special or interesting. It's just refusing to meet people where they are. If someone is too special for you to connect with, I guarantee that ascending to the lofty heights that they think they inhabit to engage with them will not be worth it. Even if they could articulate where they want you to meet them, and then you went out on a limb to discuss supernovae collapses, or whatever big important thing, I think you'll discover that their special tower above all the fleeting pastimes and bucket lists of the normies would suddenly shift to yet another inaccessible place. People who genuinely inhabit interesting or rare positions or have special life experiences still love to share their story with other people. No one lives in a tower because their ideals and life story are too special for anyone else to get. They build walls to keep people away. Of course it's never a good idea to tell someone else why they do something, especially a stranger on the internet, but in my experience with people that do this, it's not because they are special, but rather because they are not, and they like the game of making other people pursue them while they continually shift the field so you can never get to them. It's best not to play. If they get lonely enough, they'll do something about it. Hopefully it's a group activity, therapy, or a dose of humble medicine and going to talk about the weather with strangers at a language exchange meetup.
Xeoncross 4y ago
The interesting thing about life is that you get to choose what you love. That is, what you spend your time and energy on is what you end up loving. Please don't misunderstand me, there is more to it than that. However, there is an attachment that forms when you "invest" in something. You're now substantially more interested in that thing. Love is the process of sacrificing for something. Spending your time, money, or emotions on one thing instead of everything else. It's a cycle that feeds itself. The less time you spend with people, the less you love people. The more time you spend on your project, the more you love your projects. You nailed it at the end. You and me "just needed to love" people more. Lets start by spending more time and energy on them.
HL33tibCe7 4y ago
I’d strongly recommend discussing your feelings with a therapist Edit: to expand on this, yes, you identify some real problems with the modern world. But no, you don’t have to live like this. And a therapist may be able to help.
- xisthesqrtof9 4y ago
  Yes, asap. This person is going through some stuff that a therapist can help with. Its not something to just accept and move on. Although that's kind of the vibe I am getting from some of the comments here.
darkerside 4y ago
I have been down this path before. The author might benefit from a healthy dose of Stoicism. Yes, everything is imploding. It always has and it always will be. Yes, nobody truly understands you, and we're all putting on a show to make it through the day. That doesn't mean there isn't something real that has value in this facade of a fleeting existence. You can shut the world out if you like, but it is your choice. You can engage with it in all its horrid imperfection, and it will engage you back. Not on your terms but on its own.
- Xeoncross 4y ago
  > You can engage with it ... and it will engage you back. Not on your terms but on its own. So true, instead of trying to survive like most of humanity has done in the past, we've reached a point where, in our comfort, we now expect much more from the world. We expect relatable movie plots, novel twists, Disney endings, and the ability to push 'reset' on bad outcomes. Why is the world so messed up when everything looks so good on Instagram?
  - ungamedplayer 4y ago
    Are you kidding, those modelling poses look ridiculous!
    - noduerme 4y ago
      Someone is going to probably ban me for saying this out loud, but when artificial duck lips started appearing on living human women was about when I knew this had all gone too far. Like, who's going to love you after you surgically alter yourself to look like your Instagram profile?
      - worthless-trash 4y ago
        Who knows mate, I guess its all short term thinking or maybe popularity is more of a sexual attraction factor nowadays.
jrm4 4y ago
On one hand, I don't NOT want to be empathetic, but this feels like a ridiculous comparison, and I suppose it's my hope that the author understands that at some point, and writes a part two with bit of "Okay, I was being a bit dramatic, though it was how I felt." He has/had freedom to change this in a way that your subjects in the story likely did not.
jayceedenton 4y ago
Sorry, the last two paragraphs got to me. You need to lighten up, and start trying to understand your fellow man. Small talk is never just small talk. It's a way of starting to understand another human being in some small way. It's just the beginning. You've adopted 'not seeing others' as a personality trait. It isn't, and there are no prizes for living a profound, lonely life, hoping to understand something deep about your own soul. Grow up. Just try taking a genuine interest in someone other than yourself. You don't even need to agree with them, just respect them as beings with as much depth as you and enjoy the hunt for common ground. You may never find it with some, but occasionally you will. And god you will learn more every time. You don't have unlimited time to fix this. You will realise at some point in your old age feeling like a special and deep thinker is not worth dying alone for. This reads like a 21st century Holden Caulfield. Sorry that's a low blow, but it comes from a place of compassion. I think some tough love is in order and you need to hear it.
- beachy 4y ago
  That's a little harsh. A common misunderstanding about introverts is that they don't much enjoy talking with others. For many, it's rather that they are seeking meaningful communication, not vacuous chitchat about the weather or the Kardashians. That's what the author is expressing I think. At the same time there are plenty of people who can chitchat about drivel for hours, and will actively stop any conversation at a deeper level. For introverts, these are exhausting interactions. Some small talk really is small talk, and it's not realistic to expect others to just exhaust their energy in trying to move those conversations to a deeper plane.
  - ncmncm 4y ago
    There is a reason it is called a "conversation". You are not blown hither and yon by the winds of fate. You can steer. Some people won't go where you want to, but there are a lot of people. They might, too, bring you along to somewhere you didn't know you needed to be.
  - EUV071STR48 4y ago
    What's the solution if it's actually like you assumed? As extensively covered, chitchat is only the start. If you want deep, meaningful communication, you have to start somewhere. I'm not discussion about whether that's difficult for someone, but what you describe does not come from thin air. So what's the solution and if there isn't any, what's the most doable approach then?
toombowoombo 4y ago
Found this list of short stories that can keep one's mind entertained & can bring some nice ideas: https://ipfs.eternum.io/ipfs/QmSiaEmhLvFdzzvkBmJKtRDmZRNDpDt2USzy3zRbsqeYdh/ https://ipfs.eternum.io/ipfs/QmSiaEmhLvFdzzvkBmJKtRDmZRNDpDt... I find that when I can't seem to properly communicate with people around, reading helps. If you have your own recommendations, feel free to share. These days they would be useful.
ericabiz 4y ago
If by chance the author reads this, I’d recommend looking into whether he is autistic. This sense of not fitting in, of not enjoying small talk, and of feeling like an “alien” or very different than most others is common in the autistic community. If diagnosed, or even if he volunteers/makes an effort to meet other autistic folks, he may find some common ground he hasn’t found in the neurotypical world. I wish him the best.
- onos 4y ago
  Is it the case that autistic people often relate to one another better than they can with the non-autistic?
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - guerrilla 4y ago
    My experience is both yes and no. Some people are so incapable of connecting with other people that it's even worse than a normal person because you have to both drive everything and compensate for everything (which you may for some reason know more about.) When you do meet people functioning as well or better than you though, then yes, of course you quickly identify common ground and can bond on that. It doesn't mean you'll necessarily get along in the long run though.
    - _k7dr 4y ago
      Yeah this is pretty much me. After being diagnosed every social falling out for my entire life in education made sense, but it depressed me because I was essentially a pig in a cage with no appropriate strategy of coping. But even after that I kept being awkward and made too many mistakes with too many people I thought were my friends, and it just got to the point where I closed my applications for friendship for the near (?) future. Now I only have the heart to treat the social goings-out like a hobby such as video games. I can't stand huge swathes of traditional video games except adventure ones; they frustrate me and send me to sleep irritated, and I don't want to drag myself back to them again for no real benefit day after day. I keep thinking that why should trying to make friends in a world not meant for me be any different? I'm generally happier now than when I hit my lowest lows from rejection by people that I thought I got along with for years until it was all over in the span of a few hours. I firmly believe my only hope to find companionship is through the identification of mutual suffering in another autistic or schizoid individual, but that does not seem likely with how invisible I am on the internet and in public. Read all the posts about how communication online destroys everything and everyone, etc. (HN is not immune to this either.) By the way: something that I've rarely seen people discuss is that this pathological inability to be interested in people extends to therapists as well. Therapists are people, too. I feel truly satisfied in life by telling my therapist over and over again how this companionship hobby never works out instead of trying to get better. I even explained this exact positive association to her face in the hopes that she would catch on. Her response: she couldn't help me, because she "was only human". I guess that means I require a superhuman to get through to me. In fact, by then I had already suspected as much. That was the moment I lost all hope in the profession. From now on I'm more likely to think that someone that recommends me to go back into therapy after 11 years of failed attempts is some kind of delusional. I think I am just an incomprehensible person, genetically or otherwise. The therapeutic outcomes for psychopathy are widely pessimistic; why wouldn't the same apply to someone like me?
randomuncle 4y ago
I've been in very similar, if not identical states. Often times it's because I've abandoned myself and am living out my parents desires/thoughts/neglect/brushings-aside. Over time I've come to accept that accepting my parents, friends, reality, as they are is not the same as condoning it. In fact I can't condone or disavow anything I haven't first acknowledged. Beginning with myself. I can accept myself without condoning my actions. I can extend that same acceptance to others. And I can do what I need to find my own voice. Comment above mentioned community and showing up. Al-Anon was invaluable on my own path to serenity. I wish I could say more, I've probably already said too much. Forgive me friend. The pain often feels like it will never end, but in time, with help and support you will learn to deal with your problems and the pain will subside. Try to be gentle with yourself in the meantime.
givemeethekeys 4y ago
Ah, yes. "Application Error" is my self portrait too. Always nice to run into a doppelgänger.
- AviationAtom 4y ago
  You just need some exception handling in your life
  - znpy 4y ago
    This is actually… inspiring
- Aulig 4y ago
  http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-picture-of-me/ http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://casperclou... :)
bauski 4y ago
As others have suggested. If you don't put in the effort the world can get really small really quick. Sure some are born into families that facilitate that kind of interaction from a young age but for many of us it's a constant development that will continue forever. If the community you want does not exist you can't just wait for it to find you. You have to be willing to put into creating one just as much as you expect others to. Especially in our current atmosphere.
quadcore 4y ago
Try to put yourself in his place for a second. The world that this man knew is gone. He lives now in some kind of strange afterlife, spending most of his time sitting alone in a hut waiting to die. Imagine you're living in absolute security and that you can have whatever you want. After some time its fair to say you'd get a little bored, so you'd want to be a bit surprised, to go on a little adventure. After some time, you'd get bored of that little adventure and you'll want a new one, slightly more intense. Continue like that for some times and you'll want to be exactly where you are now.
winternett 4y ago
Social media has destroyed the sense of local communities we once had. It began festering at the beginning of the pandemic when profiteers realized that they had a captive audience. They blistered us with politically divisive trends (lots of things that had no real bearing or impact on us in reality) that made even good friends become distant ideologically. We all immersed ourselves into trusting these companies that were really rooted in pleasing investors as we saw them break their own rules of ethical content and conduct. They profited massively, and we lost the most. We were in denial back then, and now we're reaching a new stage of acceptance that we're living on a scorched earth. Most of the popular political voices are ideologues made popular by their far flung views, and some are beginning to question their motives, many are still trapped in denial and following them like a football team. For the sane ones of us, we realize that human connection has been missing a lot, and it's uncertain if it will go back to normal. Covid is also still a very real and constant reminder that we are limited in how we can operate. The problem is that we rely too much on the Internet and television for our reality now. Rejecting it and investing in communal life, as well as being cynical of everything presented to us by the Internet will help with recovery. Get out and talk to people outside, especially strangers, expect nothing but to have nice conversations with nice people... We're all learning how to speak naturally again, and it's not easy at all. We're lucky to be alive first of all after all we've been through. Stop supporting cults of personality ON ALL SIDES. No one is worth a cult following, no matter what their reputation is, there is always a counter point that is also right, and we really need to counter the class-ism and social status that the Internet pushes for profit... It really drowns out people who don't have likes and followers, who may have far better ideas, and it creates a very toxic world for all of us. We all really need to return to smaller community life, understanding that being involved in large communities of people and trying to swim only helps people who are celebrities. Communities like HN should be plentiful on a wide variety of topics, and open to read, but not necessarily seeking to grow as big as Facebook. Firewalled/Paywalled closed communities that manipulate what trends are toxic, identify them and avoid them at all costs... They don't help you to grow your mind and subscribers, even when you pay for premium accounts... If you and people like you have never made it to the front page, they've already chosen their spokespeople, it's never organic. Also, if you're involved in creating social platforms, now's a good time to re-evaluate how your app helps real people to discover each other and to communicate first... Too many ideas start with monetization planning, and completely overlook the main reason that users adopt a platform. Start random conversations with people in the supermarket, or pick up a new hobby and meet people locally in public places. You'll be surprised how many people are now so much open to talking with strangers and finding new friends just like you are. Do it without expectations, don't be manipulative (like the Internet too often is), be very real... Let them be the one to ask for your number, don't be aggressive.. Life is too short to waste it on a phone or a keyboard in solitude and frustration. Just a reminder though, dating apps are all still more terrible than not now, and they are often scary money pits, and soul crushingly frustrating... That hasn't changed... Don't give them any more tries (joking, but also not). :P
ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago
I wish this chap well. I can relate (but that would mean nothing, to him). I have spent my entire adult life, in a unique community, composed of many thousands of "loners." Given my druthers, I'd be a perfect hermit. I have been forced to be a participating member of society, and that has served me well. It don't come natural to me, though. I have to make a conscious effort to run in the Human Race.
pfista 4y ago
Here’s a cached version https://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-picture-of-me/ https://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://casperclo...
allenu 4y ago
I sympathize with the author. I'm in my mid-forties now and have recognized that I haven't been great at maintaining friendships. I think I've experienced something similar during the quarantining portion of the pandemic, where I didn't really interact with anyone directly, at least not in person. I had a job, so did interact with people over Zoom, and I will admit that that helped. A few months ago, however, I quit my job and now I don't have that regular human interaction. It's been quite an eye-opener to realize that this situation (not having friends to spend time with) is something I've passively allowed to happen. Many friends have started families or moved away, but I do recognize there were some I could have continued to cultivate. I've worked on learning more about myself in the last few months and I've come to recognize that a lot of this situation is due to social anxiety and other behaviors that I've developed over the years. I also recognize that it's something I can actively work on improving. It's important to believe that you can be flexible enough to change your own behaviors or ways of thinking that lead you to be alone. So, I say to this poster, it's true that things like idle chitchat may not be your cup of tea, I think it's important to realize that many people don't enjoy it either but just use it as a social grease to move into more deep conversation or connection. I might be mistaken, but the post makes it sound like the author is already set in his ways and that it's unfortunate that the world doesn't adjust to his preferences. Anyway, my advice is to not give up on human connection and be flexible enough to recognize that maybe your own limiting thoughts are preventing you from connecting.
- colinsane 4y ago
  > So, I say to this poster, it's true that things like idle chitchat may not be your cup of tea, I think it's important to realize that many people don't enjoy it either but just use it as a social grease to move into more deep conversation or connection. it took me probably 7 years after moving out of my parent’s place to learn that “smalltalk” and “idle chitchat” are not necessarily the same thing. the “aha!” moment was attending a conference with a much older coworker and seeing him strike up conversations with the people sitting next to him which in the course of 15 minutes went from surface level to incredibly personal, sometimes philosophical things that i would never have thought a stranger willing to discuss, prior to that. in my taxonomy, “idle chitchat” is talking about things. “smalltalk” is learning about each other. “the weather sure is nice today, isn’t it?” => idle chitchat. you’re not likely to understand a person from that starting point, except that “wow look, we both like the sun”. “where are you from? what brings you here?” => smalltalk. you’re encouraging the person to reveal some small amounts of information about themselves which you can use to probe further and hopefully find something fascinating (about them, about a topic you haven’t thought much about, or about yourself and how you relate to something in contrast to them). now i take conversations with strangers (or anyone really) as a sport, as a challenge. “how can i use these precious moments we strangers share to discover something new? to leave one of us pondering something novel later in the evening”. sometimes these lead to lasting friendships, usually not. but still frequently beneficial to my life. important to identify the situations where smalltalk has the possibility of going beyond surface-level things though. an elevator ride — probably not. a conference, a party, a group activity, anything where people have already put themselves out there more than normal — seems to select for people more likely to “get” smalltalk, or maybe it primes them to open up more, idk.
newaccount2021 4y ago
people like this would be a lot happier if they just quit internetting. Internet People is a tribe of doomed 30/40-somethings. Young people like my kids are fine because Internet Things favored by the Internet People seem lame and passe to them. Yes, Twitter is also now for old people. Deranged old people. You won't miss much when you stop internetting. A few years back you might miss the Next Big Idea or Massive Revolution...those days are gone. Even look at HN; just a bunch of off-topic and perpetually re-posted links.
- eloisius 4y ago
  This is both a flippant hot take and, and weirdly rings true to me. The wifi password was the bottom of Maslows pyramid for me throughout my teens and twenties. It's easy to think that there's the world of stuff and interests, and there's the online watering hole or community for it. There's a reddit for anything you want to be be into. But it's an illusion. The internet is mostly a tribe of outdated millennials, the same stale communities and re-posted ideas.
nsarafa 4y ago
site is throwing a heroku error unfortunately
- metadat 4y ago
  http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-picture-of-me/ http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://casperclou...
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
shahar2k 4y ago
when I was 11 (1992) my family moved to the US (kansas) I barely spoke the language, spent 2 years in kansas, had to build a whole new friendgroup but kept in touch with friends back home through the just beginning internet (israel) I dont remember if it was hard to make friends, I do remember some people being complete shits to the foreign kid but oh well.. made some friends, graduated middle school... when I was 13 we moved to Los angeles, I didnt know anyone, in a fairly small school, had to make all new friends, learn to socialize again, still kept in touch with israeli long term friends (we visited once a year at least), but no one from kansas. Slowly gathering friends here. then right at the end of highschool I realized a lot of people were just circumstantial friends. Social awkwardness caught up with me, folks I thought liked me were just there because of proximity. Didnt know the college system well enough so went into a local community college, made some interesting friends, kept a couple from highschool kept in touch kept doing things together but mostly slowly rebuilt my "group" eventually figured out I love animation and art, applied to a real art school, and lost touch with all my community college friends.. in college again I built a group, small, I would socialize get close to, but eventually graduated, and lost touch, by graduation I had 2-3 close people but between pickiness and awkwardness I lost mostly everyone again. as a graduate again worked hard, used okcupid, used meetup made a nice group of friends! ... 3-4 years later people grow apart until a big event happens and everyone breaks off on their own... working a real job now and this cycle has repeated... maybe 2-3 more times making, keeping friends is a part time job, organize social events check in on people, assume there's always going to be a turnover, I still have friends I knew when I was 5 years old but we talk... rarely (though comfortably when I visit israel) and you simply cant stop life from eroding at that. to not be alone, at least in the current world, I feel like I have to constantly make NEW friends, find new activities put myself out there, I've met people through dating apps, roomate situations, second hand connections, love interests, I'm NOT the most socially capable person but I keep hitting my head against that lonliness wall and at this point there's a nice deep dent in it to remind me it's not futile.
- SoftTalker 4y ago
  "I realized a lot of people were just circumstantial friends." It's not a lot, it's nearly all. Friendships with people you see often develop without a lot of effort; it's very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you don't have physical interactions with. In my own life, it has never happened. Absolutely zero friendships from childhood, school, college, past jobs, etc. lasted after the physical proximity ended.
prohobo 4y ago
There's a lot going on here, and I'm sure a lot of people have this problem. When I was growing up guys would talk like this in high school, and it was sort of understood that it's normal and they'd grow out of it. Except I don't think anyone ever actually did. What grew instead was the rate of suicides, chronic loneliness, drug abuse, and homelessness. All of our social ills have led to a kind of perfect storm of alienation and pacification to the point that people are so crestfallen that they don't even want to try to fix it. They'd rather bury their heads and try to live some semblance of a fulfilling life without dealing with the problem. I actually see this everywhere now and felt it myself in a lot of ways. Everyone just sort of bottles it all up, explodes periodically, then tries to continue doing the same thing. In the absence of appropriate help and support, what else can anyone really do? It's hard to feel connection with others when you're in a quagmire that no one seems to notice. It boils down to pure alienation. Someone recently opened my eyes to how we should go about connecting with others: we all seem to be waiting for someone to "get" us, and free us from whatever we think is holding us back. Many people feel themselves to be martyrs for their own cause, like the author of this blog post. They have pride and blame others for the lack of meaningful connection, holding onto their principles that they believe are important for creating said connection. The problem is that "psycho-social" healing, that is: fixing problems we have socially that are hurting us psychologically, and vice-versa, is only possible through social interaction. Some sort of compromise must be made. Psychologists tout the best way to help someone, whether they are shy, traumatized, or lonely, is to be there with them during a moment and be open towards them. In fact, you don't even really need to talk to them. Why do you think people love dogs so much? As stupid as it may sound, trying to be like a dog around others when you notice that disconnect might be helpful. Perk up your ears and observe, without negative judgment. You don't have to tire yourself out trying to entertain, you don't have to let people cross your boundaries, you don't have to say anything in particular. Your own inadequacies aren't important, except that you need to be able to let go of negative connotations towards the other for that moment (whether you thought of them yourself or absorbed through osmosis). The worst thing that can happen is that someone accuses you of being a furry enthusiast, or you accidentally find something interesting about someone other than yourself. "Going your own way" is a sure-fire way to get hit by the brunt of whatever bad thing may be coming. From a purely problem-solving perspective: we know this is a widespread problem. We also know that alienation isn't the normal mode for human life, since we are social animals and built to rely on each other, so that means that unless all 8 billion of us are fundamentally broken and unfixable, we can find whatever is the opposite of alienation. All other societal problems are downstream from that, in my opinion. People with strong connections and high morale - the will to live - face insurmountable odds and somehow prevail. It's practically a law of human nature.
DoreenMichele 4y ago
I cannot take seriously all these fleeting pastimes and bucket lists and ultra-specific cultural critiques when the world is a horrible place that is going to implode soon if we don't do something about it. At one time, we bonded with a short list of people physically close to us because that's all we had. We were forced to do so. Now we can to some degree "choose our tribe" by going online and talking with people with similar interests rather than whomever happenstance tossed us in with. These are people who may "get" us better than siblings, parents, cousins, neighbors and coworkers would. Or they may not. So that's likely part of the issue for the author and many others. But the other thing is the pull quote, above. Climate change. Eight billion humans. Etc. It seems too big and too nebulous a problem for anyone to solve. It seems like an apocalypse. But historically lots of people experienced local apocalypse. War came and wiped out their tribe or village or caused famine for the region and widespread illness. However, a lot of those stories died with their victims, never got recorded and passed on. We have more knowledge of suffering, more ability to broadcast our stories no matter how much of a nobody we are, more awareness of a larger context that seems like too big a problem for anyone to solve. If you are at all upbeat, people act like you are in denial. They can't believe a rational person can know what they know and feel like "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine." It ends up being a self-reinforcing loop where you don't let in other perspectives.
edjroot 4y ago
To the author (and to the poster!): Thank you. I couldn't have found this at a better time. I'm right now (privately) writing about things of a very similar nature and this has made me indescribably inspired and grateful. I know a lot of depressed people feel the same, but I have to repeat the cliché that it's as if he's writing about my life. > That's why I love writing- it feels like I'm talking to someone who gets me. Beautifully said. I keep ignoring this lesson for long stretches of time until my mind is in such a messy state that I sort of instinctively can't do anything else but write and write and write, which I've been doing for a few days now, nonstop, after months (years?) of self-neglect. The contents are usually very similar, repetitive, self-deprecating and apparently unproductive, but more often than not I come out of it reinvigorated and more hopeful about the future, and sometimes with slightly less messy thoughts as a bonus. I've wanted to start a blog since I was a teenager and be as open about my thoughts and feelings as the author of this post is, but I still haven't gotten over the fear of judgment about letting my existence, let alone my boring, dumb, coward, pathetically self-loathing self, be available to an unboundedly large audience of complete and potentially hostile strangers. The voices in my head are right now telling me: “Almost no one cares about what you have to say. Of those who do, many will care only to the extent that they can use it to ridicule you, or worse; and, if people like that ever find you, it's all over.” I guess this comment is, if anything, a gesture of appreciation for this person's courage to be vulnerable. But it's also a painful challenge against these voices. They're now begging me not to post this comment, or to delete it as soon as possible. They're screaming, telling me I know I will regret posting this. But I won't be listening to them today.
kosabejo 4y ago
Down. Now.
booboofixer 4y ago
> The world seems to run on endless positive-vibes-only small talk, and I can't do that anymore. Hear hear. I do this only so people feel like they have the 5 minutes of attention they want from me and then they feel it's okay to leave me alone.
Deletionk 4y ago
I got very nihilistic when I was in my twenties. There was a yt video were someone said: you can be miserable nihilistic or life your life. On my nihilistic side it actually doesn't matter what you choose. But I'm trying to go the other path. We are all unique and not at all. But it's your life and it's your only life,might be worth it to make it work for you.
ncmncm 4y ago
I don't get this: Why not volunteer? No need for low-quality experiences: you give them quality by participating, and so does everybody else along.
Trasmatta 4y ago
I'm similar to this as well. I've suspected that I might fall under the Schizoid Personality Disorder spectrum. But I don't like psychologizing very much.
animal_spirits 4y ago
> And maybe someday in the future, I'll come to the conclusion that I had wasted all this time by thinking I was in some way separate from everyone else, when I just needed to love them even more. Sounds like you already figured out your own solution.
t0bia_s 4y ago
"Most of the things- and I mean like 99.9%- that people do or talk about, I just have no interest in (or actively disagree with).” Then you have plenty time to do whatever you have interest into, right?
spicyramen_ 4y ago
rendall 4y ago
> My social life dissolved over a period of years in my late thirties... This is extremely common, and if you are a middle aged man or approaching middle age, it is probably happening to you. If you are a middle-aged man, or even late 20s, it is essential that you make and maintain new friendships. It will seem awkward, but make that effort. Isolated elderly men is a worldwide social problem [1], which can lead to poor health in the afflicted individuals [2]. It happens because middle-aged men stop making friends like they did in their youth. [1]https://www.independentage.org/news-media/press-releases/isolation-emerging-crisis-for-older-men https://www.independentage.org/news-media/press-releases/iso... [2]https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/social-isolation-loneliness-older-people-pose-health-risks https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/social-isolation-loneliness-old...
- FollowingTheDao 4y ago
  When I was living in Italy in the late 80s and one thing I noticed was that the elderly were seamlessly sew into society. I was talking to a middle aged woman about this and she said it was because they know people are more important than money.
satisfice 4y ago
Why are all you people talking about this? A man puts an anonymous blog out there with no way to be contacted. He wants to talk AT us. He doesn't want communication. I came here curious about what people could possibly be commenting on. It's like you are all peering into a petri dish. This is a man's life. He's probably very depressed. The whole situation is just sad.
- 9530jh9054ven 4y ago
  It's on the top of the HN page for whatever reason, and seems to have resonated with some here, and given others just something semi interesting to talk about. Certainly seems to have gotten you talking about it, even if it's to try and understand why others are.
- tasuki 4y ago
  I found it well written and easy to read. Was a little disappointed there didn't seem to be any conclusion or lesson "I'll try to get out more and talk to people". Perhaps the lack of a lesson was the main lesson.
- simonebrunozzi 4y ago
  > with no way to be contacted I found this strange. I would have probably left an email somewhere (perhaps an ad-hoc one, not my usual one), just in case someone wanted to reach out. I would then decide whether to ignore the messages or not.
closedloop129 4y ago
Is this real? The language feels a bit too poetic for a rant, especially the follow-up: https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-new-study/ https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-new-study/ . I think the toast button is a great idea - some social interaction without the need to comment or to log into a platform. But why does the follow-up not have the button? Casper is also suspiciously close to this story: [1]. >My ideas, my attitude, my life story, the difficulties I currently have in functioning- all of these things make me too different to fit in anywhere for more than a singular moment. Many comments suggest to engage more, or to volunteer. That's an option but this misses the open opportunity. We have social networks where you can meet anybody in groups as long as you know the name of your identity and can search for it. How do you find your people if your identity doesn't have a name, at least not to you? We have all the technology to connect people but we don't have something like a taxonomy of mindsets. How could one start a service to connect like-minded minds? We do however have music which the author is using on his main page [2], referencing an Aphex Twin song. Would it be worthwhile to create a platform that makes it easy to investigate the social profiles of everybody who engages with this song on social media? >and i never want to stop listening to Polynomial C Then again, 'being out of the loop' doesn't seem to be that rare of a condition. It even has a name in philosophy [3]. How come there is no known community, kind of like lesswrong.com? [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaspar_Hauser https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaspar_Hauser [2] https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/ https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/ [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spectacle_(critical_theory) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spectacle_(critical_theory)
parasti 4y ago
When I had this outlook on life, I just called it depression. It's really just a crazy hall of mirrors, twisting and distorting every thought you have. I never got out of it by myself. What finally, truly helped me was a relationship and the accompanying sense of responsibility.
Shugarl 4y ago
> Most of the things- and I mean like 99.9%- that people do or talk about, I just have no interest in (or actively disagree with). Are you me ? Though I found happiness in my isolation. It feels much better than having to fake my way through social interactions 24/7
5350-uiop-1130 4y ago
I also saw this doc 2 days ago. Google's Algos are weird. I really enjoyed it, sad and fascinating story. I think like most people we have a need to share our opinions to some degree but as I got older I felt like it's pointless, or maybe sometimes unecessarily harmful so now I prefer to say nothing most of the time - a lot of my friends or colleague interpret this as depression or lack of motivation, maybe it is to some degree or maybe the circle of things I care about is getting smaller and smaller.
ccbccccbbcccbb 4y ago
God bless you Casper, rest 100% assured that you're not unique in your sentiment about the woeful state of modern society. Righteousness shall stand, my friend.
- ccbccccbbcccbb 4y ago
  And no, this does not imply any "conspiracy theory belief, advocating of violence or racism, or following of any dogma" from my side.
sam_goody 4y ago
I was reading a political blog the other day, and someone commented that the young generation is selfish and introverted. Another answered that they are proudly selfish, and do not see what the issue is - everyone should look out for themselves. It turned into a mighty interesting thread, which made me think... Most of my day is dedicated to a youth group that I volunteer for. I have a connection to people - in life, not via social network - and it does me good. If I was more selfish, I would be less happy. A society can exist in which everyone is looking out for others instead of themselves. Some will take advantage, game theory and all that. But the way humans are with social dependence, the benefits of such a system outweigh the losses. So, get out, volunteer to help others. Along the way, you will gain a sense of purpose, you will build connections, and others will actually care about and respect you.
chachan 4y ago
Move to Costa Rica. You will be welcomed, loved and find live lasting friends here :)
rufius 4y ago
I’m not a therapist, but OP sounds depressed (as in clinically). Might be worth talking to a therapist or psych. I feel for them. I don’t fully understand, but I do feel for them.
_k7dr 4y ago
I'd like to think I'm in a similar position to the author, although that is a huge generalization. But in spite of the similarities, I don't think we'd ever get along if we met in person. I sometimes think that the only people who can empathize with my situation are the same people who won't try to connect further. Everyone else has no clue what I'm on about, and tries to interpret my life with the tools they were given, pressing me to connect with others with elaborate "life is about" platitudes I'm tired of trying to comprehend. It's the nature of the mindset, it's foreign to so many people that don't understand. I feel the world outside trying to swallow me whole every time I speak up somewhere. If there was a way to know that people were listening to me without the connotations of words such as "like" and the baggage of being obligated to participate in an ensuing conversation, I would take that for what it is and move on. My belief is that that my place in the world, however flawed, and I wish that the fulfillment I get from living that life every day was better understood.

A picture of me

283 points by memorable 4y ago

ljsocal 4y ago

You nailed it at the end. Loving others and doing meaningful things for them is what makes me feel connected and happy.

mensetmanusman 4y ago

Community is showing up. Find anywhere and go there once a week at the same time.

Simon_O_Rourke 4y ago
Never a truer word said - get out and (initially) get uncomfortable. It's like money in the bank, it'll save up some nice social kudos eventually.
vlunkr 4y ago
This took me too long to learn. We're told over and over to "be yourself," but sometimes you have to make an effort to be like everyone else. I see in the author and in myself sometimes a weird sense of pride in having unusual opinions and tastes. This isn't going to win you any friends or impress anyone. If you're just waiting for someone to show up that shares all your thoughts, then you're going to continue to be alone.
- ip26 4y ago
  As I like to think of it, “being yourself” and “becoming a friendlier more approachable version of yourself” are not incompatible.
- ncmncm 4y ago
  Most people trying to make sense of the instruction don't know themselves well enough to be that authentic self, particularly those perceived as unpleasant. They almost always turn out to be aping somebody they knew, read about, or saw in a movie, and never questioned whether there was a better way for themself. The best ways to your authentic self are to make things and help other people. The worse off they are, the bigger the difference you can make.
allenu 4y ago
This is so true. Friendship and connection really does take work, and a lot of it is just being visible so people become comfortable with you and you with them. A community where you're actively doing something together is helpful as well since it takes away the pressure of the "goal" of making friends. I remember years ago wanting to increase my friendship network, so I started going to meetups to meet people. Specifically, a few were meetups for people to meet other people to make new friends. What I found was it felt so much like dating. The events themselves were secondary and to me I felt out of place, like I was trying to impress other people or else sussing out other people to see if they were friendship material. A few years later I took up swing dancing and started going regularly to classes and eventually (it took a while) I started going to weekly social dances. With swing dancing, I wasn't there to make friends necessarily. I enjoyed the dancing aspect. After a while, I realized I did make friends and felt part of a community. I recognized other regulars and felt like I belonged. It took a lot of work to get there, but a lot of it didn't feel like work because I found an activity I wanted to do each week.
ribs 4y ago
Hells yeah. Show up. People will eventually start expecting you. Then inviting you to things. Then you’ll make plans. To do things together. And when the time to meet up approaches, sometimes you’ll feel like you don’t want to go. And that’s when you say to yourself “oh, you don’t feel much like going. How interesting. Now get off your ass and go do what you said you were going to do.”
AlwaysRock 4y ago
100%. I thought I was good at making friends becuase I always had a friend group I could do stuff with. Turns out I just had a hobby that forced me to show up at the same place 1-2 times a week with the same group of people. I continued that hobby in every new city I moved to and easily "made friends" there. It's kind of silly but honestly a lot of friendships are just the people one sees most often.
- overeater 4y ago
  What was that hobby?
  - AlwaysRock 4y ago
    Improv for many years. Recently its been MMA.

ribs 4y ago

Posted here on HN by the author?

realslimjd 4y ago
No

MerelyMortal 4y ago

A (The?) documentary about Aurê and Aurá: https://youtube.com/watch?v=kGuxaY8HPjs https://youtube.com/watch?v=kGuxaY8HPjs

lvass 4y ago
Understanding one of the languages used here, and seeing the included subtitles, I'd take no part of this documentary true, the subtitles are just absurd. What an absolute shame, for something so interesting, I don't even understand how something like this happens.
- guerrilla 4y ago
  Oh wow, that's incredibly far off... They must be summarizing longer conversations, right????
- aaaaaaaaaaab 4y ago
  Could you go into some detail?
  - lvass 4y ago
    The majority of subtitles are just not what's being said at all, for no reason I could discern. It's not like what's being said is strongly at odds with the documentary, it feels like the person writing the subtitles was mostly guessing what's being said. A lot of things are really off too, they avoided the obvious questions about trying to understand the language, and also made the government look unreasonably effective in a way no brazilian would consider remotely likely to happen.
silisili 4y ago
Pretty crummy IMO to compare himself to that poor man. He literally cannot communicate with anyone in the world, but wants to. He's constantly telling stories nobody can understand. That has to be some kind of nightmare impossible to comprehend. The author just chooses not to talk to people. Not the same thing at all.

brundolf 4y ago

Something I've learned is that you don't love and connect with people because of who they are; you don't often find people you magically feel close to or interested in right at the beginning. You can't hold out for that. You love and connect with people because... you love and connect with them. The more time you spend, the more you share about yourself, the more moments you have together- relationships will usually become deep and meaningful as a result, almost regardless of where they started. If you ask questions that tug on the threads of a person's life, you'll find that almost everyone is interesting. If you take a leap and invest time and energy in people, you'll find life-giving connection you didn't even know could have been there. It can be hard to bootstrap this process. Like financial poverty, it takes energy to invest in the interactions that eventually lift you out of the lack of energy, which can be a catch-22. But the advice is the same: scrimp and save at first, and then spend strategically until you can get the flywheel going. But I can almost guarantee that the boundary you're facing is your own shortage of energy, not a shortage of opportunities for connection. Not to trivialize that; it's still a hard place to be in. But I think it would be more productive to re-frame things as such.

sdwr 4y ago
I love this comment! Feels like the perfect words coming from a great direction. Adding on: - the perfect is the enemy of the good - it gets easier, you just have to do it every day - we forge the chains we wear in life - jibjab hotdogs
uniqueuid 4y ago
The same goes for spouses, by the way. You don't have a happy marriage/partnership because you met the person of your dreams and then both accidentally stay the same person forever. Happy marriages exist because people continuously and mutually change each other in a positive way.
- brundolf 4y ago
  That's a big part of it, though I think it's fair to be a little more selective when there's only going to be one person in that role for the rest of your life But there's no such constraint on other relationships. Those deserve an abundance-mindset; go out into the world, see what people are like, don't assume you already know what you're looking for, see which relationships stick. You have almost nothing to lose. Edit: That said, lots of people are way too far on this end of the spectrum even when it comes to life-partnerships. The key is to dial in and not overestimate how much you actually know about other people, the world, and even yourself.

noduerme 4y ago

>> I cannot take seriously all these fleeting pastimes and bucket lists and ultra-specific cultural critiques when the world is a horrible place that is going to implode soon if we don't do something about it. This seems to preemptively foreclose interest in any kind of initial conversation or meeting anyone where they are. And does so because there's something more important. Everything everyone does is a waste of time because the world is imploding and we should be doing something about it. Well, what's the author doing about it? Volunteering? They might meet people they wanted to talk to, even agreed with and could have serious conversations about non-ephemeral things with, if they spent some time trying to be part of the solution, by helping any of literally thousands of organizations that could make use of their time and energy to try to prevent or reduce the severity of an implosion. Otherwise how is sitting around feeling sorry for yourself any more noble than people doing their bucket lists or having stupid surface level conversations?

koboll 4y ago
That line revealed to me, as someone who has dealt with similar things, that his real problem now is depression. It's not just sadness, it's an inability to perceive a future where things get better, or even a future at all. Sadly this mentality tends to make it more difficult to do the things you need to dig yourself out of a depressive episode. It's self-reinforcing.
eloisius 4y ago
I agree, and I'm surprised to see so much positive feedback in the comments here. Being disinterested in 99.9% of what other people care about isn't special or interesting. It's just refusing to meet people where they are. If someone is too special for you to connect with, I guarantee that ascending to the lofty heights that they think they inhabit to engage with them will not be worth it. Even if they could articulate where they want you to meet them, and then you went out on a limb to discuss supernovae collapses, or whatever big important thing, I think you'll discover that their special tower above all the fleeting pastimes and bucket lists of the normies would suddenly shift to yet another inaccessible place. People who genuinely inhabit interesting or rare positions or have special life experiences still love to share their story with other people. No one lives in a tower because their ideals and life story are too special for anyone else to get. They build walls to keep people away. Of course it's never a good idea to tell someone else why they do something, especially a stranger on the internet, but in my experience with people that do this, it's not because they are special, but rather because they are not, and they like the game of making other people pursue them while they continually shift the field so you can never get to them. It's best not to play. If they get lonely enough, they'll do something about it. Hopefully it's a group activity, therapy, or a dose of humble medicine and going to talk about the weather with strangers at a language exchange meetup.

Xeoncross 4y ago

The interesting thing about life is that you get to choose what you love. That is, what you spend your time and energy on is what you end up loving. Please don't misunderstand me, there is more to it than that. However, there is an attachment that forms when you "invest" in something. You're now substantially more interested in that thing. Love is the process of sacrificing for something. Spending your time, money, or emotions on one thing instead of everything else. It's a cycle that feeds itself. The less time you spend with people, the less you love people. The more time you spend on your project, the more you love your projects. You nailed it at the end. You and me "just needed to love" people more. Lets start by spending more time and energy on them.

HL33tibCe7 4y ago

I’d strongly recommend discussing your feelings with a therapist Edit: to expand on this, yes, you identify some real problems with the modern world. But no, you don’t have to live like this. And a therapist may be able to help.

xisthesqrtof9 4y ago
Yes, asap. This person is going through some stuff that a therapist can help with. Its not something to just accept and move on. Although that's kind of the vibe I am getting from some of the comments here.

darkerside 4y ago

I have been down this path before. The author might benefit from a healthy dose of Stoicism. Yes, everything is imploding. It always has and it always will be. Yes, nobody truly understands you, and we're all putting on a show to make it through the day. That doesn't mean there isn't something real that has value in this facade of a fleeting existence. You can shut the world out if you like, but it is your choice. You can engage with it in all its horrid imperfection, and it will engage you back. Not on your terms but on its own.

Xeoncross 4y ago
> You can engage with it ... and it will engage you back. Not on your terms but on its own. So true, instead of trying to survive like most of humanity has done in the past, we've reached a point where, in our comfort, we now expect much more from the world. We expect relatable movie plots, novel twists, Disney endings, and the ability to push 'reset' on bad outcomes. Why is the world so messed up when everything looks so good on Instagram?
- ungamedplayer 4y ago
  Are you kidding, those modelling poses look ridiculous!
  - noduerme 4y ago
    Someone is going to probably ban me for saying this out loud, but when artificial duck lips started appearing on living human women was about when I knew this had all gone too far. Like, who's going to love you after you surgically alter yourself to look like your Instagram profile?
    - worthless-trash 4y ago
      Who knows mate, I guess its all short term thinking or maybe popularity is more of a sexual attraction factor nowadays.

jrm4 4y ago

On one hand, I don't NOT want to be empathetic, but this feels like a ridiculous comparison, and I suppose it's my hope that the author understands that at some point, and writes a part two with bit of "Okay, I was being a bit dramatic, though it was how I felt." He has/had freedom to change this in a way that your subjects in the story likely did not.

jayceedenton 4y ago

Sorry, the last two paragraphs got to me. You need to lighten up, and start trying to understand your fellow man. Small talk is never just small talk. It's a way of starting to understand another human being in some small way. It's just the beginning. You've adopted 'not seeing others' as a personality trait. It isn't, and there are no prizes for living a profound, lonely life, hoping to understand something deep about your own soul. Grow up. Just try taking a genuine interest in someone other than yourself. You don't even need to agree with them, just respect them as beings with as much depth as you and enjoy the hunt for common ground. You may never find it with some, but occasionally you will. And god you will learn more every time. You don't have unlimited time to fix this. You will realise at some point in your old age feeling like a special and deep thinker is not worth dying alone for. This reads like a 21st century Holden Caulfield. Sorry that's a low blow, but it comes from a place of compassion. I think some tough love is in order and you need to hear it.

beachy 4y ago
That's a little harsh. A common misunderstanding about introverts is that they don't much enjoy talking with others. For many, it's rather that they are seeking meaningful communication, not vacuous chitchat about the weather or the Kardashians. That's what the author is expressing I think. At the same time there are plenty of people who can chitchat about drivel for hours, and will actively stop any conversation at a deeper level. For introverts, these are exhausting interactions. Some small talk really is small talk, and it's not realistic to expect others to just exhaust their energy in trying to move those conversations to a deeper plane.
- ncmncm 4y ago
  There is a reason it is called a "conversation". You are not blown hither and yon by the winds of fate. You can steer. Some people won't go where you want to, but there are a lot of people. They might, too, bring you along to somewhere you didn't know you needed to be.
- EUV071STR48 4y ago
  What's the solution if it's actually like you assumed? As extensively covered, chitchat is only the start. If you want deep, meaningful communication, you have to start somewhere. I'm not discussion about whether that's difficult for someone, but what you describe does not come from thin air. So what's the solution and if there isn't any, what's the most doable approach then?

toombowoombo 4y ago

Found this list of short stories that can keep one's mind entertained & can bring some nice ideas: https://ipfs.eternum.io/ipfs/QmSiaEmhLvFdzzvkBmJKtRDmZRNDpDt2USzy3zRbsqeYdh/ https://ipfs.eternum.io/ipfs/QmSiaEmhLvFdzzvkBmJKtRDmZRNDpDt... I find that when I can't seem to properly communicate with people around, reading helps. If you have your own recommendations, feel free to share. These days they would be useful.

ericabiz 4y ago

If by chance the author reads this, I’d recommend looking into whether he is autistic. This sense of not fitting in, of not enjoying small talk, and of feeling like an “alien” or very different than most others is common in the autistic community. If diagnosed, or even if he volunteers/makes an effort to meet other autistic folks, he may find some common ground he hasn’t found in the neurotypical world. I wish him the best.

onos 4y ago
Is it the case that autistic people often relate to one another better than they can with the non-autistic?
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- guerrilla 4y ago
  My experience is both yes and no. Some people are so incapable of connecting with other people that it's even worse than a normal person because you have to both drive everything and compensate for everything (which you may for some reason know more about.) When you do meet people functioning as well or better than you though, then yes, of course you quickly identify common ground and can bond on that. It doesn't mean you'll necessarily get along in the long run though.
  - _k7dr 4y ago
    Yeah this is pretty much me. After being diagnosed every social falling out for my entire life in education made sense, but it depressed me because I was essentially a pig in a cage with no appropriate strategy of coping. But even after that I kept being awkward and made too many mistakes with too many people I thought were my friends, and it just got to the point where I closed my applications for friendship for the near (?) future. Now I only have the heart to treat the social goings-out like a hobby such as video games. I can't stand huge swathes of traditional video games except adventure ones; they frustrate me and send me to sleep irritated, and I don't want to drag myself back to them again for no real benefit day after day. I keep thinking that why should trying to make friends in a world not meant for me be any different? I'm generally happier now than when I hit my lowest lows from rejection by people that I thought I got along with for years until it was all over in the span of a few hours. I firmly believe my only hope to find companionship is through the identification of mutual suffering in another autistic or schizoid individual, but that does not seem likely with how invisible I am on the internet and in public. Read all the posts about how communication online destroys everything and everyone, etc. (HN is not immune to this either.) By the way: something that I've rarely seen people discuss is that this pathological inability to be interested in people extends to therapists as well. Therapists are people, too. I feel truly satisfied in life by telling my therapist over and over again how this companionship hobby never works out instead of trying to get better. I even explained this exact positive association to her face in the hopes that she would catch on. Her response: she couldn't help me, because she "was only human". I guess that means I require a superhuman to get through to me. In fact, by then I had already suspected as much. That was the moment I lost all hope in the profession. From now on I'm more likely to think that someone that recommends me to go back into therapy after 11 years of failed attempts is some kind of delusional. I think I am just an incomprehensible person, genetically or otherwise. The therapeutic outcomes for psychopathy are widely pessimistic; why wouldn't the same apply to someone like me?

randomuncle 4y ago

I've been in very similar, if not identical states. Often times it's because I've abandoned myself and am living out my parents desires/thoughts/neglect/brushings-aside. Over time I've come to accept that accepting my parents, friends, reality, as they are is not the same as condoning it. In fact I can't condone or disavow anything I haven't first acknowledged. Beginning with myself. I can accept myself without condoning my actions. I can extend that same acceptance to others. And I can do what I need to find my own voice. Comment above mentioned community and showing up. Al-Anon was invaluable on my own path to serenity. I wish I could say more, I've probably already said too much. Forgive me friend. The pain often feels like it will never end, but in time, with help and support you will learn to deal with your problems and the pain will subside. Try to be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

givemeethekeys 4y ago

Ah, yes. "Application Error" is my self portrait too. Always nice to run into a doppelgänger.

AviationAtom 4y ago
You just need some exception handling in your life
- znpy 4y ago
  This is actually… inspiring
Aulig 4y ago
http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-picture-of-me/ http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://casperclou... :)

bauski 4y ago

As others have suggested. If you don't put in the effort the world can get really small really quick. Sure some are born into families that facilitate that kind of interaction from a young age but for many of us it's a constant development that will continue forever. If the community you want does not exist you can't just wait for it to find you. You have to be willing to put into creating one just as much as you expect others to. Especially in our current atmosphere.

quadcore 4y ago

Try to put yourself in his place for a second. The world that this man knew is gone. He lives now in some kind of strange afterlife, spending most of his time sitting alone in a hut waiting to die. Imagine you're living in absolute security and that you can have whatever you want. After some time its fair to say you'd get a little bored, so you'd want to be a bit surprised, to go on a little adventure. After some time, you'd get bored of that little adventure and you'll want a new one, slightly more intense. Continue like that for some times and you'll want to be exactly where you are now.

winternett 4y ago

Social media has destroyed the sense of local communities we once had. It began festering at the beginning of the pandemic when profiteers realized that they had a captive audience. They blistered us with politically divisive trends (lots of things that had no real bearing or impact on us in reality) that made even good friends become distant ideologically. We all immersed ourselves into trusting these companies that were really rooted in pleasing investors as we saw them break their own rules of ethical content and conduct. They profited massively, and we lost the most. We were in denial back then, and now we're reaching a new stage of acceptance that we're living on a scorched earth. Most of the popular political voices are ideologues made popular by their far flung views, and some are beginning to question their motives, many are still trapped in denial and following them like a football team. For the sane ones of us, we realize that human connection has been missing a lot, and it's uncertain if it will go back to normal. Covid is also still a very real and constant reminder that we are limited in how we can operate. The problem is that we rely too much on the Internet and television for our reality now. Rejecting it and investing in communal life, as well as being cynical of everything presented to us by the Internet will help with recovery. Get out and talk to people outside, especially strangers, expect nothing but to have nice conversations with nice people... We're all learning how to speak naturally again, and it's not easy at all. We're lucky to be alive first of all after all we've been through. Stop supporting cults of personality ON ALL SIDES. No one is worth a cult following, no matter what their reputation is, there is always a counter point that is also right, and we really need to counter the class-ism and social status that the Internet pushes for profit... It really drowns out people who don't have likes and followers, who may have far better ideas, and it creates a very toxic world for all of us. We all really need to return to smaller community life, understanding that being involved in large communities of people and trying to swim only helps people who are celebrities. Communities like HN should be plentiful on a wide variety of topics, and open to read, but not necessarily seeking to grow as big as Facebook. Firewalled/Paywalled closed communities that manipulate what trends are toxic, identify them and avoid them at all costs... They don't help you to grow your mind and subscribers, even when you pay for premium accounts... If you and people like you have never made it to the front page, they've already chosen their spokespeople, it's never organic. Also, if you're involved in creating social platforms, now's a good time to re-evaluate how your app helps real people to discover each other and to communicate first... Too many ideas start with monetization planning, and completely overlook the main reason that users adopt a platform. Start random conversations with people in the supermarket, or pick up a new hobby and meet people locally in public places. You'll be surprised how many people are now so much open to talking with strangers and finding new friends just like you are. Do it without expectations, don't be manipulative (like the Internet too often is), be very real... Let them be the one to ask for your number, don't be aggressive.. Life is too short to waste it on a phone or a keyboard in solitude and frustration. Just a reminder though, dating apps are all still more terrible than not now, and they are often scary money pits, and soul crushingly frustrating... That hasn't changed... Don't give them any more tries (joking, but also not). :P

ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago

I wish this chap well. I can relate (but that would mean nothing, to him). I have spent my entire adult life, in a unique community, composed of many thousands of "loners." Given my druthers, I'd be a perfect hermit. I have been forced to be a participating member of society, and that has served me well. It don't come natural to me, though. I have to make a conscious effort to run in the Human Race.

pfista 4y ago

Here’s a cached version https://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-picture-of-me/ https://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://casperclo...

allenu 4y ago

I sympathize with the author. I'm in my mid-forties now and have recognized that I haven't been great at maintaining friendships. I think I've experienced something similar during the quarantining portion of the pandemic, where I didn't really interact with anyone directly, at least not in person. I had a job, so did interact with people over Zoom, and I will admit that that helped. A few months ago, however, I quit my job and now I don't have that regular human interaction. It's been quite an eye-opener to realize that this situation (not having friends to spend time with) is something I've passively allowed to happen. Many friends have started families or moved away, but I do recognize there were some I could have continued to cultivate. I've worked on learning more about myself in the last few months and I've come to recognize that a lot of this situation is due to social anxiety and other behaviors that I've developed over the years. I also recognize that it's something I can actively work on improving. It's important to believe that you can be flexible enough to change your own behaviors or ways of thinking that lead you to be alone. So, I say to this poster, it's true that things like idle chitchat may not be your cup of tea, I think it's important to realize that many people don't enjoy it either but just use it as a social grease to move into more deep conversation or connection. I might be mistaken, but the post makes it sound like the author is already set in his ways and that it's unfortunate that the world doesn't adjust to his preferences. Anyway, my advice is to not give up on human connection and be flexible enough to recognize that maybe your own limiting thoughts are preventing you from connecting.

colinsane 4y ago
> So, I say to this poster, it's true that things like idle chitchat may not be your cup of tea, I think it's important to realize that many people don't enjoy it either but just use it as a social grease to move into more deep conversation or connection. it took me probably 7 years after moving out of my parent’s place to learn that “smalltalk” and “idle chitchat” are not necessarily the same thing. the “aha!” moment was attending a conference with a much older coworker and seeing him strike up conversations with the people sitting next to him which in the course of 15 minutes went from surface level to incredibly personal, sometimes philosophical things that i would never have thought a stranger willing to discuss, prior to that. in my taxonomy, “idle chitchat” is talking about things. “smalltalk” is learning about each other. “the weather sure is nice today, isn’t it?” => idle chitchat. you’re not likely to understand a person from that starting point, except that “wow look, we both like the sun”. “where are you from? what brings you here?” => smalltalk. you’re encouraging the person to reveal some small amounts of information about themselves which you can use to probe further and hopefully find something fascinating (about them, about a topic you haven’t thought much about, or about yourself and how you relate to something in contrast to them). now i take conversations with strangers (or anyone really) as a sport, as a challenge. “how can i use these precious moments we strangers share to discover something new? to leave one of us pondering something novel later in the evening”. sometimes these lead to lasting friendships, usually not. but still frequently beneficial to my life. important to identify the situations where smalltalk has the possibility of going beyond surface-level things though. an elevator ride — probably not. a conference, a party, a group activity, anything where people have already put themselves out there more than normal — seems to select for people more likely to “get” smalltalk, or maybe it primes them to open up more, idk.

newaccount2021 4y ago

people like this would be a lot happier if they just quit internetting. Internet People is a tribe of doomed 30/40-somethings. Young people like my kids are fine because Internet Things favored by the Internet People seem lame and passe to them. Yes, Twitter is also now for old people. Deranged old people. You won't miss much when you stop internetting. A few years back you might miss the Next Big Idea or Massive Revolution...those days are gone. Even look at HN; just a bunch of off-topic and perpetually re-posted links.

eloisius 4y ago
This is both a flippant hot take and, and weirdly rings true to me. The wifi password was the bottom of Maslows pyramid for me throughout my teens and twenties. It's easy to think that there's the world of stuff and interests, and there's the online watering hole or community for it. There's a reddit for anything you want to be be into. But it's an illusion. The internet is mostly a tribe of outdated millennials, the same stale communities and re-posted ideas.

nsarafa 4y ago

site is throwing a heroku error unfortunately

metadat 4y ago
http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-picture-of-me/ http://web.archive.org/web/20220624083118/https://casperclou...

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

shahar2k 4y ago

when I was 11 (1992) my family moved to the US (kansas) I barely spoke the language, spent 2 years in kansas, had to build a whole new friendgroup but kept in touch with friends back home through the just beginning internet (israel) I dont remember if it was hard to make friends, I do remember some people being complete shits to the foreign kid but oh well.. made some friends, graduated middle school... when I was 13 we moved to Los angeles, I didnt know anyone, in a fairly small school, had to make all new friends, learn to socialize again, still kept in touch with israeli long term friends (we visited once a year at least), but no one from kansas. Slowly gathering friends here. then right at the end of highschool I realized a lot of people were just circumstantial friends. Social awkwardness caught up with me, folks I thought liked me were just there because of proximity. Didnt know the college system well enough so went into a local community college, made some interesting friends, kept a couple from highschool kept in touch kept doing things together but mostly slowly rebuilt my "group" eventually figured out I love animation and art, applied to a real art school, and lost touch with all my community college friends.. in college again I built a group, small, I would socialize get close to, but eventually graduated, and lost touch, by graduation I had 2-3 close people but between pickiness and awkwardness I lost mostly everyone again. as a graduate again worked hard, used okcupid, used meetup made a nice group of friends! ... 3-4 years later people grow apart until a big event happens and everyone breaks off on their own... working a real job now and this cycle has repeated... maybe 2-3 more times making, keeping friends is a part time job, organize social events check in on people, assume there's always going to be a turnover, I still have friends I knew when I was 5 years old but we talk... rarely (though comfortably when I visit israel) and you simply cant stop life from eroding at that. to not be alone, at least in the current world, I feel like I have to constantly make NEW friends, find new activities put myself out there, I've met people through dating apps, roomate situations, second hand connections, love interests, I'm NOT the most socially capable person but I keep hitting my head against that lonliness wall and at this point there's a nice deep dent in it to remind me it's not futile.

SoftTalker 4y ago
"I realized a lot of people were just circumstantial friends." It's not a lot, it's nearly all. Friendships with people you see often develop without a lot of effort; it's very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you don't have physical interactions with. In my own life, it has never happened. Absolutely zero friendships from childhood, school, college, past jobs, etc. lasted after the physical proximity ended.

prohobo 4y ago

There's a lot going on here, and I'm sure a lot of people have this problem. When I was growing up guys would talk like this in high school, and it was sort of understood that it's normal and they'd grow out of it. Except I don't think anyone ever actually did. What grew instead was the rate of suicides, chronic loneliness, drug abuse, and homelessness. All of our social ills have led to a kind of perfect storm of alienation and pacification to the point that people are so crestfallen that they don't even want to try to fix it. They'd rather bury their heads and try to live some semblance of a fulfilling life without dealing with the problem. I actually see this everywhere now and felt it myself in a lot of ways. Everyone just sort of bottles it all up, explodes periodically, then tries to continue doing the same thing. In the absence of appropriate help and support, what else can anyone really do? It's hard to feel connection with others when you're in a quagmire that no one seems to notice. It boils down to pure alienation. Someone recently opened my eyes to how we should go about connecting with others: we all seem to be waiting for someone to "get" us, and free us from whatever we think is holding us back. Many people feel themselves to be martyrs for their own cause, like the author of this blog post. They have pride and blame others for the lack of meaningful connection, holding onto their principles that they believe are important for creating said connection. The problem is that "psycho-social" healing, that is: fixing problems we have socially that are hurting us psychologically, and vice-versa, is only possible through social interaction. Some sort of compromise must be made. Psychologists tout the best way to help someone, whether they are shy, traumatized, or lonely, is to be there with them during a moment and be open towards them. In fact, you don't even really need to talk to them. Why do you think people love dogs so much? As stupid as it may sound, trying to be like a dog around others when you notice that disconnect might be helpful. Perk up your ears and observe, without negative judgment. You don't have to tire yourself out trying to entertain, you don't have to let people cross your boundaries, you don't have to say anything in particular. Your own inadequacies aren't important, except that you need to be able to let go of negative connotations towards the other for that moment (whether you thought of them yourself or absorbed through osmosis). The worst thing that can happen is that someone accuses you of being a furry enthusiast, or you accidentally find something interesting about someone other than yourself. "Going your own way" is a sure-fire way to get hit by the brunt of whatever bad thing may be coming. From a purely problem-solving perspective: we know this is a widespread problem. We also know that alienation isn't the normal mode for human life, since we are social animals and built to rely on each other, so that means that unless all 8 billion of us are fundamentally broken and unfixable, we can find whatever is the opposite of alienation. All other societal problems are downstream from that, in my opinion. People with strong connections and high morale - the will to live - face insurmountable odds and somehow prevail. It's practically a law of human nature.

DoreenMichele 4y ago

I cannot take seriously all these fleeting pastimes and bucket lists and ultra-specific cultural critiques when the world is a horrible place that is going to implode soon if we don't do something about it. At one time, we bonded with a short list of people physically close to us because that's all we had. We were forced to do so. Now we can to some degree "choose our tribe" by going online and talking with people with similar interests rather than whomever happenstance tossed us in with. These are people who may "get" us better than siblings, parents, cousins, neighbors and coworkers would. Or they may not. So that's likely part of the issue for the author and many others. But the other thing is the pull quote, above. Climate change. Eight billion humans. Etc. It seems too big and too nebulous a problem for anyone to solve. It seems like an apocalypse. But historically lots of people experienced local apocalypse. War came and wiped out their tribe or village or caused famine for the region and widespread illness. However, a lot of those stories died with their victims, never got recorded and passed on. We have more knowledge of suffering, more ability to broadcast our stories no matter how much of a nobody we are, more awareness of a larger context that seems like too big a problem for anyone to solve. If you are at all upbeat, people act like you are in denial. They can't believe a rational person can know what they know and feel like "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine." It ends up being a self-reinforcing loop where you don't let in other perspectives.

edjroot 4y ago

To the author (and to the poster!): Thank you. I couldn't have found this at a better time. I'm right now (privately) writing about things of a very similar nature and this has made me indescribably inspired and grateful. I know a lot of depressed people feel the same, but I have to repeat the cliché that it's as if he's writing about my life. > That's why I love writing- it feels like I'm talking to someone who gets me. Beautifully said. I keep ignoring this lesson for long stretches of time until my mind is in such a messy state that I sort of instinctively can't do anything else but write and write and write, which I've been doing for a few days now, nonstop, after months (years?) of self-neglect. The contents are usually very similar, repetitive, self-deprecating and apparently unproductive, but more often than not I come out of it reinvigorated and more hopeful about the future, and sometimes with slightly less messy thoughts as a bonus. I've wanted to start a blog since I was a teenager and be as open about my thoughts and feelings as the author of this post is, but I still haven't gotten over the fear of judgment about letting my existence, let alone my boring, dumb, coward, pathetically self-loathing self, be available to an unboundedly large audience of complete and potentially hostile strangers. The voices in my head are right now telling me: “Almost no one cares about what you have to say. Of those who do, many will care only to the extent that they can use it to ridicule you, or worse; and, if people like that ever find you, it's all over.” I guess this comment is, if anything, a gesture of appreciation for this person's courage to be vulnerable. But it's also a painful challenge against these voices. They're now begging me not to post this comment, or to delete it as soon as possible. They're screaming, telling me I know I will regret posting this. But I won't be listening to them today.

kosabejo 4y ago

Down. Now.

booboofixer 4y ago

> The world seems to run on endless positive-vibes-only small talk, and I can't do that anymore. Hear hear. I do this only so people feel like they have the 5 minutes of attention they want from me and then they feel it's okay to leave me alone.

Deletionk 4y ago

I got very nihilistic when I was in my twenties. There was a yt video were someone said: you can be miserable nihilistic or life your life. On my nihilistic side it actually doesn't matter what you choose. But I'm trying to go the other path. We are all unique and not at all. But it's your life and it's your only life,might be worth it to make it work for you.

ncmncm 4y ago

I don't get this: Why not volunteer? No need for low-quality experiences: you give them quality by participating, and so does everybody else along.

Trasmatta 4y ago

I'm similar to this as well. I've suspected that I might fall under the Schizoid Personality Disorder spectrum. But I don't like psychologizing very much.

animal_spirits 4y ago

> And maybe someday in the future, I'll come to the conclusion that I had wasted all this time by thinking I was in some way separate from everyone else, when I just needed to love them even more. Sounds like you already figured out your own solution.

t0bia_s 4y ago

"Most of the things- and I mean like 99.9%- that people do or talk about, I just have no interest in (or actively disagree with).” Then you have plenty time to do whatever you have interest into, right?

spicyramen_ 4y ago

rendall 4y ago

> My social life dissolved over a period of years in my late thirties... This is extremely common, and if you are a middle aged man or approaching middle age, it is probably happening to you. If you are a middle-aged man, or even late 20s, it is essential that you make and maintain new friendships. It will seem awkward, but make that effort. Isolated elderly men is a worldwide social problem [1], which can lead to poor health in the afflicted individuals [2]. It happens because middle-aged men stop making friends like they did in their youth. [1]https://www.independentage.org/news-media/press-releases/isolation-emerging-crisis-for-older-men https://www.independentage.org/news-media/press-releases/iso... [2]https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/social-isolation-loneliness-older-people-pose-health-risks https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/social-isolation-loneliness-old...

FollowingTheDao 4y ago
When I was living in Italy in the late 80s and one thing I noticed was that the elderly were seamlessly sew into society. I was talking to a middle aged woman about this and she said it was because they know people are more important than money.

satisfice 4y ago

Why are all you people talking about this? A man puts an anonymous blog out there with no way to be contacted. He wants to talk AT us. He doesn't want communication. I came here curious about what people could possibly be commenting on. It's like you are all peering into a petri dish. This is a man's life. He's probably very depressed. The whole situation is just sad.

9530jh9054ven 4y ago
It's on the top of the HN page for whatever reason, and seems to have resonated with some here, and given others just something semi interesting to talk about. Certainly seems to have gotten you talking about it, even if it's to try and understand why others are.
tasuki 4y ago
I found it well written and easy to read. Was a little disappointed there didn't seem to be any conclusion or lesson "I'll try to get out more and talk to people". Perhaps the lack of a lesson was the main lesson.
simonebrunozzi 4y ago
> with no way to be contacted I found this strange. I would have probably left an email somewhere (perhaps an ad-hoc one, not my usual one), just in case someone wanted to reach out. I would then decide whether to ignore the messages or not.

closedloop129 4y ago

Is this real? The language feels a bit too poetic for a rant, especially the follow-up: https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-new-study/ https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/a-new-study/ . I think the toast button is a great idea - some social interaction without the need to comment or to log into a platform. But why does the follow-up not have the button? Casper is also suspiciously close to this story: [1]. >My ideas, my attitude, my life story, the difficulties I currently have in functioning- all of these things make me too different to fit in anywhere for more than a singular moment. Many comments suggest to engage more, or to volunteer. That's an option but this misses the open opportunity. We have social networks where you can meet anybody in groups as long as you know the name of your identity and can search for it. How do you find your people if your identity doesn't have a name, at least not to you? We have all the technology to connect people but we don't have something like a taxonomy of mindsets. How could one start a service to connect like-minded minds? We do however have music which the author is using on his main page [2], referencing an Aphex Twin song. Would it be worthwhile to create a platform that makes it easy to investigate the social profiles of everybody who engages with this song on social media? >and i never want to stop listening to Polynomial C Then again, 'being out of the loop' doesn't seem to be that rare of a condition. It even has a name in philosophy [3]. How come there is no known community, kind of like lesswrong.com? [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaspar_Hauser https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaspar_Hauser [2] https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/ https://caspercloudwalker.bearblog.dev/ [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spectacle_(critical_theory) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spectacle_(critical_theory)

parasti 4y ago

When I had this outlook on life, I just called it depression. It's really just a crazy hall of mirrors, twisting and distorting every thought you have. I never got out of it by myself. What finally, truly helped me was a relationship and the accompanying sense of responsibility.

Shugarl 4y ago

> Most of the things- and I mean like 99.9%- that people do or talk about, I just have no interest in (or actively disagree with). Are you me ? Though I found happiness in my isolation. It feels much better than having to fake my way through social interactions 24/7

5350-uiop-1130 4y ago

I also saw this doc 2 days ago. Google's Algos are weird. I really enjoyed it, sad and fascinating story. I think like most people we have a need to share our opinions to some degree but as I got older I felt like it's pointless, or maybe sometimes unecessarily harmful so now I prefer to say nothing most of the time - a lot of my friends or colleague interpret this as depression or lack of motivation, maybe it is to some degree or maybe the circle of things I care about is getting smaller and smaller.

ccbccccbbcccbb 4y ago

God bless you Casper, rest 100% assured that you're not unique in your sentiment about the woeful state of modern society. Righteousness shall stand, my friend.

ccbccccbbcccbb 4y ago
And no, this does not imply any "conspiracy theory belief, advocating of violence or racism, or following of any dogma" from my side.

sam_goody 4y ago

I was reading a political blog the other day, and someone commented that the young generation is selfish and introverted. Another answered that they are proudly selfish, and do not see what the issue is - everyone should look out for themselves. It turned into a mighty interesting thread, which made me think... Most of my day is dedicated to a youth group that I volunteer for. I have a connection to people - in life, not via social network - and it does me good. If I was more selfish, I would be less happy. A society can exist in which everyone is looking out for others instead of themselves. Some will take advantage, game theory and all that. But the way humans are with social dependence, the benefits of such a system outweigh the losses. So, get out, volunteer to help others. Along the way, you will gain a sense of purpose, you will build connections, and others will actually care about and respect you.

chachan 4y ago

Move to Costa Rica. You will be welcomed, loved and find live lasting friends here :)

rufius 4y ago

I’m not a therapist, but OP sounds depressed (as in clinically). Might be worth talking to a therapist or psych. I feel for them. I don’t fully understand, but I do feel for them.

_k7dr 4y ago

I'd like to think I'm in a similar position to the author, although that is a huge generalization. But in spite of the similarities, I don't think we'd ever get along if we met in person. I sometimes think that the only people who can empathize with my situation are the same people who won't try to connect further. Everyone else has no clue what I'm on about, and tries to interpret my life with the tools they were given, pressing me to connect with others with elaborate "life is about" platitudes I'm tired of trying to comprehend. It's the nature of the mindset, it's foreign to so many people that don't understand. I feel the world outside trying to swallow me whole every time I speak up somewhere. If there was a way to know that people were listening to me without the connotations of words such as "like" and the baggage of being obligated to participate in an ensuing conversation, I would take that for what it is and move on. My belief is that that my place in the world, however flawed, and I wish that the fulfillment I get from living that life every day was better understood.