4 ms·

In general - talk to a psych/therapist/sex therapist. Sex drive is weird, and the mind is weird :) But also, there is no "I supposedly should not be this". You

In general - talk to a psych/therapist/sex therapist. Sex drive is weird, and the mind is weird :) But also, there is no "I supposedly should not be this". You are who you are. There's an entire community of people who are asexual, and that is fine. If it bugs you personally, by all means, I recommend spelunking in your brain and finding out more. But please don't feel you have to conform to some sort of ideal. Yes, there are your partner's needs. But if you just aren't that sexual, it is time for a (difficult) conversation - how else can they get their needs fulfilled. You can try to just make yourself be that person, but if it's truly not who you are, there's a price to pay down the road. (Hence, please talk to a professional - they're much better at helping you navigate this complex area than randos on the Internet)

samatman 4y ago
Asexuality is fine in the sense that no one should be challenged or treated badly for their level of sex drive. But in a context of falling sperm counts, testosterone levels, endocrine disruptors showing up in urine at high levels, SSRIs (some of these are male-specific but have female counterparts), I worry that just shrugging off low-to-nonexistent libido as just "ah some people are asexual and that's valid" isn't giving a complete picture. Sex feels really good, relationships are important to most people, most relationships of the sort I'm referring to are going to be with a partner who wants sex. To reiterate, any ego-synchronic asexuals out there, if you're happy I'm happy, but it's also okay to treat a lack of libido as a medical issue and see if it can be alleviated, which is often the case.
- rpmisms 4y ago
  Asexuality on an individual level is fine, you shouldn't feel bad about it. As a societal phenomenon, it's worrying, and we should investigate.
- staticman2 4y ago
  Asexual people do not generally become less asexual when you give them hormones. There's a reason the term exists, it's not for people suffering from a treatable chemical deficiency.
hooande 4y ago
Seemed like the OP was making the point that lower sex drive could be caused by the same chemical effects that could be causing lower sperm counts. How would a mental health professional help with this?
- wonderwonder 4y ago
  OP is guessing based on reading a random article on HN. A medical Dr. is probably more equipped to root cause their issue and more specifically treat it.
  - concinds 4y ago
    Doctor are unlikely to help, since most medical societies consider 300ng/dL (incomprehensibly low) T levels acceptable. With this (and a sadly too large number of other conditions), doing research and being one's own advocate will fare 1000x better than naively expecting a doctor to correctly spot, and be willing to treat, low T. That just isn't how they're trained, and here, their training is wrong.
    - wonderwonder 4y ago
      Generally yes, I agree with you. In this case though OP was doing nothing and in no way appeared to be motivated to investigate. A dr. is going to be better than nothing. With that said I specifically went to male hormone / TRT doctor because that is what I wanted after my own research.
      - no_wizard 4y ago
        if by OP you mean me, thats not true, I am motivated. I was being succient in my point and hoping to understand what others felt / do in my situation, if they have any similar experience. I'm extremely motivated to get to the bottom of this. I've been roadblocked by therapy in some ways, because they just say your sex drive is yours, her sex drive is hers, and it shouldn't define your relationship on one hand to another therapist telling me that women should drive sex in a relationship not men to yet another telling me that I don't exhibit a normal pattern of sexual desire but gave little recommendation in the way of action on what to do about it. Doctors are even worse, they either don't see an issue, or just want to throw ED pills at me. Its alot more complicated than you might think. I just didn't want to put all of this into one post like that, so it didn't augment peoples opinions. I'm somewhat regretting this now, as I wonder if any potential employer might track down my identity now and see these posts and think lesser, but I'm willing to put myself out like this so I can hear from others, and I think thats worth the potential exposure
globular-toast 4y ago
If someone is genuinely asexual then they wouldn't be at all concerned about sex drive. But I know from experience you can have periods of low libido as a sexual man which are quite uncomfortable. You basically lose your virility and a big part of what makes you feel like you.
at_a_remove 4y ago
Not all medical issues need to be made into an identity.

samatman 4y ago

Asexuality is fine in the sense that no one should be challenged or treated badly for their level of sex drive. But in a context of falling sperm counts, testosterone levels, endocrine disruptors showing up in urine at high levels, SSRIs (some of these are male-specific but have female counterparts), I worry that just shrugging off low-to-nonexistent libido as just "ah some people are asexual and that's valid" isn't giving a complete picture. Sex feels really good, relationships are important to most people, most relationships of the sort I'm referring to are going to be with a partner who wants sex. To reiterate, any ego-synchronic asexuals out there, if you're happy I'm happy, but it's also okay to treat a lack of libido as a medical issue and see if it can be alleviated, which is often the case.

rpmisms 4y ago
Asexuality on an individual level is fine, you shouldn't feel bad about it. As a societal phenomenon, it's worrying, and we should investigate.
staticman2 4y ago
Asexual people do not generally become less asexual when you give them hormones. There's a reason the term exists, it's not for people suffering from a treatable chemical deficiency.

hooande 4y ago

Seemed like the OP was making the point that lower sex drive could be caused by the same chemical effects that could be causing lower sperm counts. How would a mental health professional help with this?

wonderwonder 4y ago
OP is guessing based on reading a random article on HN. A medical Dr. is probably more equipped to root cause their issue and more specifically treat it.
- concinds 4y ago
  Doctor are unlikely to help, since most medical societies consider 300ng/dL (incomprehensibly low) T levels acceptable. With this (and a sadly too large number of other conditions), doing research and being one's own advocate will fare 1000x better than naively expecting a doctor to correctly spot, and be willing to treat, low T. That just isn't how they're trained, and here, their training is wrong.
  - wonderwonder 4y ago
    Generally yes, I agree with you. In this case though OP was doing nothing and in no way appeared to be motivated to investigate. A dr. is going to be better than nothing. With that said I specifically went to male hormone / TRT doctor because that is what I wanted after my own research.
    - no_wizard 4y ago
      if by OP you mean me, thats not true, I am motivated. I was being succient in my point and hoping to understand what others felt / do in my situation, if they have any similar experience. I'm extremely motivated to get to the bottom of this. I've been roadblocked by therapy in some ways, because they just say your sex drive is yours, her sex drive is hers, and it shouldn't define your relationship on one hand to another therapist telling me that women should drive sex in a relationship not men to yet another telling me that I don't exhibit a normal pattern of sexual desire but gave little recommendation in the way of action on what to do about it. Doctors are even worse, they either don't see an issue, or just want to throw ED pills at me. Its alot more complicated than you might think. I just didn't want to put all of this into one post like that, so it didn't augment peoples opinions. I'm somewhat regretting this now, as I wonder if any potential employer might track down my identity now and see these posts and think lesser, but I'm willing to put myself out like this so I can hear from others, and I think thats worth the potential exposure

globular-toast 4y ago

If someone is genuinely asexual then they wouldn't be at all concerned about sex drive. But I know from experience you can have periods of low libido as a sexual man which are quite uncomfortable. You basically lose your virility and a big part of what makes you feel like you.

at_a_remove 4y ago

Not all medical issues need to be made into an identity.