10 ms·
Forces that fuel friendship
- throw0101c 4y agohttps://archive.ph/pjtIk https://archive.ph/pjtIk
- bigChris 4y agoSo basically. Turn off the computer, delete GitHub, delete hackrank, turn off all my docker servers and swarms across the multiple library networks and then go out and talk to NPCs?
- mbg721 4y agoSheesh, Bethesda seems to have set staggeringly low expectations of NPCs...
- everdrive 4y agoNot calling them "NPCs" is probably useful as well.
- BossingAround 4y agoWe all know "friendships" are just successfully completed quest chains.
- skipants 4y agoThe article says they are more like daily quests :P
- johnchristopher 4y agoOr "normies" while we are at it. A recent trend I am noticing more often on HN.
- MarcelOlsz 4y agoHilarious considering hackernewsians are the normies of the online world.
- emsy 4y agoThat’s Reddit. On HN I sometimes find people with niche interests and expertise in all kinds of fields, which I like. It’s also relatively civilized. You don’t need to be a 4-chan edgelord to be not-normie.
- MarcelOlsz 4y agoReddit are the nerds/losers of the online-o-sphere.
- Mountain_Skies 4y agoHN broadly participated in the moral panic over lab leak theory being allowed to exist. This place is far more 'normie' than it likes to believe itself to be and is nowhere near as independent thinking as it pats itself on the back for being. But it does exceed Reddit in the percentage of posters who confuse their wealth for wisdom.
- throwaway0a5e 4y agoReddit is just HN with lower standards of communication, puns, one word rebuttals, all that stuff is fair game there. Being able to follow cultural norms of the local group is just about the least remarkable thing about any given group of humans. HN is not special.
- 1123581321 4y agoMost people here also belong to other communities and code switch how they write.
- A4ET8a8uTh0 4y agoIt is an interesting comment in itself. Does HN ( and other online communities ) have their own peculiar jargon and it is used to identify in-group? I definitely noticed some recurring phrases, but it does not appear to be.. say.. as obvious as 4chan or imgur.
- postsantum 4y agoNah, despising an out-group is a bonding experience https://xkcd.com/610/ https://xkcd.com/610/
- beckman466 4y agoyeah it’s a just way to covertly (by the videogamer crowd) call other people stupid.
- bmacho 4y agopls don't delete GitHub I have stuff there
- phkahler 4y ago>> Turn off the computer, delete GitHub... I've met a few people on github that could become real-world friends if circumstances ever bring us to the same place or we clicked in some additional ways. But yeah, that's not really happening in a pull request ;-)
- isaacfrond 4y agoThe friend app from the article: https://bumble.com/bff https://bumble.com/bff
- zeroonetwothree 4y agoI tried this (as a male) and let’s just say it’s not exactly the type of “friendship” I was hoping for…
- telesilla 4y agoI understand this is for self-identifying women. I've several friends who have had success. I wonder what the conditions might need to be for platonic male friendships to form, it seems to be harder. Judging from my position as a woman who easily makes acquaintances that occasionally become friendships, and my partner who is very amicable to strangers but doesn't care to make new friends.
- swayvil 4y agoIs self-identification really a thing? Identity seems more of a social artifact, emerging naturally from the collective dynamic.
- multiplegeorges 4y agoYes, it is. Someone can self-identify as a gender (among other things), alter their appearance to present as such, and a kind and empathetic society will (should) then regard them as such.
- notacoward 4y agoWhere there's a pattern there's a strategy. This is surely not the last word on the subject, and it's not meant as a how-to guide, but it's a thoughtful and well presented set of observations which people can use - if they wish - to increase their success rate at making friends. That seems like it's a good thing, worth a couple of minutes to think about.
- gretch 4y agoBased on the principles in the article and some of my anecdotal life experiences: Take some adult classes or lessons. It can be anything, as long as you are genuinely interested in it. You don't have to be "passionate" (no one goes from zero-to-passion instantly). Drawing. Cooking. Tennis. Yoga. Video editing. Chances are you can meet someone in the class that you vibe with and the routine of working together to make the best of the lesson is a good way to make a friend. If you get along well, try to convert to a friendship outside of the classroom by inviting them to get a smoothie afterward.
- cies 4y agoI learned there are only 2 pillars under friendship: shared interests and trust.
- mapcars 4y agoOne person whom I consider wise said "Friends are people who support your limitations" if that helps
- arolihas 4y agoThat's a very cynical perspective that seems to encourage self isolation and an emotionally barren life. Not sure if that's wise.
- pure_simplicity 4y agoI think the OP meant that friend support you in overcoming your limitations. They support you where you are weak, not they perpetuate and grow your weaknesses.
- em-bee 4y agoor they accept your weaknesses and support you despite them.
- arolihas 4y agoI hope so, the way it's worded implies the opposite.
- dirtybirdnj 4y agoThis is how I chose to interpret it as well. If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best is a cliche way of saying the opposite.
- forvelin 4y agoI think you can solely sustain a relationship with trust, lack of common interests can freeze it but does not necessarily extinguish it.
- mlatu 4y ago
- wfhordie 4y agoThis article makes me feel sorry for straight people.
- zeroonetwothree 4y agoIt’s rough
- neya 4y agoTLDR; - Attention - Accumulaton - Intention - Ritual - Imagination - Grace You're welcome.
- AtlasBarfed 4y agoAIDA!!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr3ENE8uqr4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr3ENE8uqr4
- perlgeek 4y agoyay for listicils! Didn't Hackernews require you to remove that from the title?
- notacoward 4y agoI think you're overusing "listicle" here. Yes, the article is structured around six discrete ideas, but it has the general structure of a traditional essay and all fits on one page. That's a far cry from a true listicle which requires you to keep clicking to see single paragraphs interspersed with ads. Just having a number in the title doesn't make it a listicle. Also, read the guideline about shallow dismissals.
- Zababa 4y agoI don't know if something is missing from this article or if I have a very restrictive view of friendship. For example, when I was in college, there were a few people with which I talked pretty much everyday, had lunch with them, went to class with them. However, I don't really consider them my friends. They were a bit more like "colleagues". We never saw each others outside of college, and spending time with them doesn't fill me with energy like when I spend time with my friends. There are lots of things that they don't "get" if I talk about them, not as in "understand" but as in "get" on a fundamental level. Following the framework of the article, either "attention" was missing, or something is missing from the article. In French we have an expression, "atomes crochus", which would be equivalent to "chemistry" in English. Without that, friendship isn't really possible for me, I'll always get "stuck" only at a certain level with those people. There's no mention of chemistry at all in this article. I get that it's a bit unfair, you can't decide to have good chemistry with someone, but at least for me that's how things are.
- zeroonetwothree 4y agoFriendship requires a shared experience in more than one context. Since you only saw those people in one context they did not become friends.
- Zababa 4y agoI don't think that's true, I've made friends at school while only seeing them at school. I saw them in other contexts only after being friends with them.
- yosito 4y agoI clicked expecting to see some science-based research about what results in good friendships. Instead I found an opinion based listicle. Not necessarily a bad article for provoking thought, but definitely more opinion than fact. I recently went to cross cultural a meetup where friendship was the topic of discussion. One thing I realized is that people struggle to agree on a definition of friendship. There's an especially noticeable divide between individualist and collectivist cultures. My own definition of a friend is "someone with whom I have shared, positive experiences". But I do find that there's a difference between fast-friends, and long lasting, deep friendships. The six things mentioned in this article are definitely good things to consider if you want to develop long lasting friendships, but they're also not fixed formulas.
- multiplegeorges 4y agoTo call this a listicle is technically accurate, but does a large disservice to the experience of the author. She has conducted ~1000 interviews with friends to determine the content of the list. While this is not a peer-reviewed work, I would bet that her dataset and experience amounts to an easily publishable qualitative sociology/psychology paper.
- bradlys 4y ago1000? I think it's closer to 100 - isn't it? > That was more than three years ago. Since then, I have done 100 interviews.
- multiplegeorges 4y agoAh, you are correct. It's 100, I remembered incorrectly. Up to readers to decide if my point still stands. I think it does.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- andreilys 4y agoIf this is considered a publishable paper then the bar for that publication must be quite low.
- Gustek 4y agoI think there are only 2 questions you need to answer to decide if someone is your friend. 1. Do you trust them? 2. Do you care about them? Ideally it should reciprocated. The hard part is getting there, usually it comes naturally as you spend more time with the other person out of your own volition. Just because you are meeting someone everyday at work does not mean they will become your friends, do you trust them? do you care about them? Once you friends you don't need to meet often as long the trust and care is still there. You can become friends in short time as well if you decide to put the trust early into the other person and they reciprocate. Point is, there is no formula or plan to follow. When I say friend I mean a true friend, not colleagues or acquaintances. Were these meanings mixed into "friend" word before Facebook as well?
- alexpotato 4y agoLou Holtz [0] used to use these questions and one more as the three questions you ask leaders in general. The other one was "Are you committed to excellence?" which he sometimes described as "Do you have high standards and do you strive to live up to them?" I always liked his ending statement whenever he talked about this: "Think of someone you respect. Now think of those questions. Odds are the answer to all three is 'yes'. Now think of someone you are having problems with and, again, think of the three questions. I would bet the answer to at least one of them is 'no'". 0 - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_Holtz https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_Holtz
- AtlasBarfed 4y ago...A college coach who participated in grift and bribery, indirectly or otherwise, in a system that exploited young athletes to play a violent sport with lifelong consequences for health mentally and physically and offered no long term health care and virtually no monetary reward. No successful NCAA coach is a moral paragon. John Calipari used to be held as the bad boy, but actually he was the most honest of the bunch.
- mbg721 4y agoIf those were the only criteria, making friends would be easy. People have more built-in tribalism at the very least; the article reads like a '50s science fiction novel about robots making friends.
- wruza 4y agoA new friend could be waiting in the comments section of an article you’re reading, on the other side of a Google Doc, or in an elevator I loved talking to strangers in a slow-operating 20-story elevator. Surprisingly, they are good and friendly listeners. You don’t want to spend five minutes with someone you rejected, do you? My current home doesn’t have an elevator, but I hope the next one will.
- pavel_lishin 4y agoAs an introvert, your scenario is a nightmare to me. Please let me enjoy my elevator ride in peace.
- photochemsyn 4y agoAmerican society at least is highly fractured these days, along all kinds of lines, and this seems to have resulted in high levels of distrust across those lines - ideological, economic, racial, gender, and probably a host of others. This tends to push people into clusters where they all share the same ideological viewpoints, which is a depressing situation. My idea of a great party has always been one where a group of people from widely different backgrounds are put together in a big room and 'forced' to interact with each other, but these days I'm afraid that would lead to a bloodbath of some sort. To quote from Frank Herbert, on the subject of limiting your relationships to those who share all your identitarian tick-marks, "I can think of nothing more poisonous than to rot in the stink of your own reflections." As far as "close deep meaningful relationships that you can rely on through thick and thin, a friend who will always come to your aid in times of trouble, and to whom you will always offer support" ... that sounds more like a military alliance between independent city-states in ancient Greece than your average human friendship. Don't expect too much, in other words. Here's a related (novel?) concept: don't try to leverage friendships for personal economic gain, for access to a job, for growing your multi-level marketing business, etc. That's called 'networking', not 'friendship'. I suppose it has its place, humans being human, but don't confuse the two.
- locopati 4y ago
- notacoward 4y ago> that sounds more like a military alliance between independent city-states in ancient Greece than your average human friendship Has it occurred to you that actual humans' ideal types/levels of friendship might differ from your own? Most people want a mix, with a few very strong friendships (of the author's type) and many more weaker ones (of yours). Many are missing one or the other. Some want something different entirely. If the author's ideas about friendship don't resonate with you, consider just moving on. Deriding it as something that's very much not true friendship by anyone's definition seems like exactly the same kind of condescending clannishness you complain about (and "identitarian" is - intentionally? - a marker of which clan BTW).
- 4y ago
- rationalfaith 4y ago
- GuB-42 4y agoI recently saw a video about the "Sex Raft". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acali https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acali It was a social experiment involving putting a bunch of people on a raft and crossing the Atlantic. The idea was to create an environment that promotes sex and violence, instead, everyone became best friends forever, except for the experimenter who was on board, everyone hated him.
- firecall 4y agoYour comment made me LOL :-)
- vizmuz 4y agoSubscription wall...