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> If I saw somebody who I fancied, I didn't feel any excitement or pleasure - instead, my instant reaction was one of sadness and depression. I had a sense of h

> If I saw somebody who I fancied, I didn't feel any excitement or pleasure - instead, my instant reaction was one of sadness and depression. I had a sense of hopelessness about it all. > I didn't have a fear of rejection - the idea of rejection was irrelevant because I was so certain that no-one would be reciprocating any attraction I felt. It was like this and then dating apps came and made it even worse. How do I unsubscribe from this? Please no American style "sky is the limit" coaching.

Ancalagon 4y ago
Leave the apps and your inhibition behind. Try to meet people in real life, like your ancestors did for millions of years.
- durnygbur 4y ago
  > Try to meet people in real life See first words of my first sentence.
  - krageon 4y ago
    If you act like that people will assume it makes sense (most can read your body language to some extent). It sounds too simple (and it's definitely harder than it sounds), but you should stop assuming those things. If you find this very hard, that is what therapy is for.
  - SkittyDog 4y ago
    I've never once used a dating app, and I frequently meet new people, make new friends, and date new women. I'm in my early 40s. Prior to ~10 years ago, different story... I was miserable, depressed, and socially isolated. I had a series of LTRs, so I was rarely alone. But I couldn't make friends to save my life. I always felt like an outsider. I'm actually poorer than 10 years ago... Definitely in better shape, fitness wise, but also my face is 10 years older. The thing is, I devoted a lot of time, energy, and attention to becoming a better person. Therapy, 12-Step meetings, volunteering, and spending a TON of time doing physically and mentally challenging stuff outdoors... And I actually AM a better person for all of it. Not perfect, but I used to be kind of a piece of shit. At first, I was just meeting new people in my hiking & climbing circles... But after a while, with practice & effort, you develop real skills at talking to people. Nowadays, I can chat up random strangers at a grocery store, if I feel like it, and end up with at least a new FB friend, or maybe a date if we have anything in common.
    - spywaregorilla 4y ago
      Why do you want a new FB friend?
      - SkittyDog 4y ago
        FB friends sometimes turn into more, over time. If not, there's no real cost to having another one... If they're noisy, it's as simple as clicking a mute button. Also, this is a PERFECT example of those social skills I talked about, in my earlier post... Valuable relationships don't just magically appear out of thin air, when you just happen to meet the right people. You have to meet (a LOT) of people, then spend time & effort to cultivate a common context, figure out their character, decide whether you want them in your life... It's a winnowing process, wherein you might only build ONE truly significant relationship out of meeting hundreds of people. The very first stage of that pipeline is just getting in contact and observing the person. Facebook is a great tool for that part. But the knowledge of this whole process isn't some kind of inbuilt human instinct. Some people are lucky enough to learn it while they're young, but the rest of us have to figure it out as adults. It's a very complex skill set, so it can be a long,frustrating, frightening learning process.
  - Ancalagon 4y ago
    I would just point back to the part about not having inhibitions. Those thoughts should not be the first things running through your head. You might get rejected, so what? Maybe its because your thoughts were correct and its an attraction issue, but most people can work on this factor I'd say unless they're extraordinarily mentally handicapped. See a therapist if you feel it would help. I didn't mean anything personal by my statements btw. I've had my own experience and troubles dating. Hope things work out for you mate.
- jb1991 4y ago
  “millions” lol
  - Ancalagon 4y ago
    Could technically be billions if you think about it.
- lotsofpulp 4y ago
  > Try to meet people in real life, like your ancestors did for millions of years. Might have been easier when women did not have much of a choice. Which only happened in the last 100 years.
  - Ancalagon 4y ago
    I don't disagree. But still for everyone's sake I think people should work on themselves and try to date offline when they can. I also think we need to normalize people being single, for everyone's mental health.
- inglor_cz 4y ago
  You're not wrong, but you're not right either. I am glad that at 44, I saw the dating scene before the advent of the apps. Apps change human interaction patterns. The more is virtual dating normalized, the more will real-world flirt be seen as creepy and problematic. Not least because people won't have enough experience to flirt smoothly and because they will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong. With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party, will destroy someone's life and brand them as creepy loser forever.
  - durnygbur 4y ago
    > will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong > With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. One message, one foul move and it escalates you into a creep, desperate, or pervert. I don't even try approaching in real life, women don't understand how it feels like to be laughed off or ghosted, and how it can turn a man into a psychopath.
    - spywaregorilla 4y ago
      > This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. And you don't? That's incredibly normal. Discussing people you've just met, especially if it's a shared connection. What's wrong is that it's not a giant amorphous network of women. It's just their local social circles like anyone else. There's no conspiracy. > how it can turn a men into a psychopath. ah yes, it is the women's fault
      - durnygbur 4y ago
        I don't have a circle of acquaintances to share these information and experiences with. I imagine we, men, are more competitive. Sharing would actually help the competition to take over as a gesture of dominance or simply to score as first. Is she a pervert or desperate? Well that's even better...
gattilorenz 4y ago
Find a therapist and talk about it with him/her, if it bugs you. It will likely help. Also, quit the apps if they are making you feel worse. You can still use them again once you processed what's going on inside you.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
herbst 4y ago
Not sure if that helps but just don't stop trying. I used dating apps for years and never had any luck until one day it was just the right person. Usually I felt a disconnect after the first few sentences but not this time. Now we are in a relationship for over 6 years. Also according to my teenager math I need to meet at least 100 people to meet one I have a connection with. Add sexual attraction and you should be constantly texting new people to increase your changes.
xkbarkar 4y ago
Dating is a numbers game. An often soul crushing, shitty numbers game. Sure one can get lucky and meet the right one waiting for the bus. Those odds are not great though. If you want to meet someone, you have to find a platform where someone can meet you. And that platform will be full of nihilists, alcoholics, traumatized souls, perfect ones that dont like you back, fun ones you have no chemistry with and so on. Just like learning to code, play the violin or get in shape. No easy solution. Persistence and change strategy to tune results. And prepare to be disappointed a lot. But at least giving someone a chance to meet you or get to know you, whatever portal you choose, is pretty much essential step nr 1.
spywaregorilla 4y ago
I feel its important to call out that dating mechanics are irrelevant to the poster. This dude was depressed and have a hugely negative self worth. Hard stop. That doesn't generalize at all. How do you unsubscribe from dating apps? Don't use dating apps.
culopatin 4y ago
What does your friend circle look like? It’s easier to grow out from that than being alone trying to find someone to date. Meet people without any expectation of dating or sex or anything, just talk to talk, see where it leads you. One day they invite you to a party, movie, whatever, you get close to them, either you meet someone in the group that likes you or they bring someone new at some point and you like them, etc. If no one comes out within the group, with time you’ll be comfortable enough around them to ask “hey is there anything wrong with my attitude? Am I likeable? In which case they can either help you or boost your ego and make you feel better and they can even start thinking of hooking you up with someone.

Ancalagon 4y ago

Leave the apps and your inhibition behind. Try to meet people in real life, like your ancestors did for millions of years.

durnygbur 4y ago
> Try to meet people in real life See first words of my first sentence.
- krageon 4y ago
  If you act like that people will assume it makes sense (most can read your body language to some extent). It sounds too simple (and it's definitely harder than it sounds), but you should stop assuming those things. If you find this very hard, that is what therapy is for.
- SkittyDog 4y ago
  I've never once used a dating app, and I frequently meet new people, make new friends, and date new women. I'm in my early 40s. Prior to ~10 years ago, different story... I was miserable, depressed, and socially isolated. I had a series of LTRs, so I was rarely alone. But I couldn't make friends to save my life. I always felt like an outsider. I'm actually poorer than 10 years ago... Definitely in better shape, fitness wise, but also my face is 10 years older. The thing is, I devoted a lot of time, energy, and attention to becoming a better person. Therapy, 12-Step meetings, volunteering, and spending a TON of time doing physically and mentally challenging stuff outdoors... And I actually AM a better person for all of it. Not perfect, but I used to be kind of a piece of shit. At first, I was just meeting new people in my hiking & climbing circles... But after a while, with practice & effort, you develop real skills at talking to people. Nowadays, I can chat up random strangers at a grocery store, if I feel like it, and end up with at least a new FB friend, or maybe a date if we have anything in common.
  - spywaregorilla 4y ago
    Why do you want a new FB friend?
    - SkittyDog 4y ago
      FB friends sometimes turn into more, over time. If not, there's no real cost to having another one... If they're noisy, it's as simple as clicking a mute button. Also, this is a PERFECT example of those social skills I talked about, in my earlier post... Valuable relationships don't just magically appear out of thin air, when you just happen to meet the right people. You have to meet (a LOT) of people, then spend time & effort to cultivate a common context, figure out their character, decide whether you want them in your life... It's a winnowing process, wherein you might only build ONE truly significant relationship out of meeting hundreds of people. The very first stage of that pipeline is just getting in contact and observing the person. Facebook is a great tool for that part. But the knowledge of this whole process isn't some kind of inbuilt human instinct. Some people are lucky enough to learn it while they're young, but the rest of us have to figure it out as adults. It's a very complex skill set, so it can be a long,frustrating, frightening learning process.
- Ancalagon 4y ago
  I would just point back to the part about not having inhibitions. Those thoughts should not be the first things running through your head. You might get rejected, so what? Maybe its because your thoughts were correct and its an attraction issue, but most people can work on this factor I'd say unless they're extraordinarily mentally handicapped. See a therapist if you feel it would help. I didn't mean anything personal by my statements btw. I've had my own experience and troubles dating. Hope things work out for you mate.
jb1991 4y ago
“millions” lol
- Ancalagon 4y ago
  Could technically be billions if you think about it.
lotsofpulp 4y ago
> Try to meet people in real life, like your ancestors did for millions of years. Might have been easier when women did not have much of a choice. Which only happened in the last 100 years.
- Ancalagon 4y ago
  I don't disagree. But still for everyone's sake I think people should work on themselves and try to date offline when they can. I also think we need to normalize people being single, for everyone's mental health.
inglor_cz 4y ago
You're not wrong, but you're not right either. I am glad that at 44, I saw the dating scene before the advent of the apps. Apps change human interaction patterns. The more is virtual dating normalized, the more will real-world flirt be seen as creepy and problematic. Not least because people won't have enough experience to flirt smoothly and because they will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong. With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party, will destroy someone's life and brand them as creepy loser forever.
- durnygbur 4y ago
  > will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong > With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. One message, one foul move and it escalates you into a creep, desperate, or pervert. I don't even try approaching in real life, women don't understand how it feels like to be laughed off or ghosted, and how it can turn a man into a psychopath.
  - spywaregorilla 4y ago
    > This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. And you don't? That's incredibly normal. Discussing people you've just met, especially if it's a shared connection. What's wrong is that it's not a giant amorphous network of women. It's just their local social circles like anyone else. There's no conspiracy. > how it can turn a men into a psychopath. ah yes, it is the women's fault
    - durnygbur 4y ago
      I don't have a circle of acquaintances to share these information and experiences with. I imagine we, men, are more competitive. Sharing would actually help the competition to take over as a gesture of dominance or simply to score as first. Is she a pervert or desperate? Well that's even better...

gattilorenz 4y ago

Find a therapist and talk about it with him/her, if it bugs you. It will likely help. Also, quit the apps if they are making you feel worse. You can still use them again once you processed what's going on inside you.

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

herbst 4y ago

Not sure if that helps but just don't stop trying. I used dating apps for years and never had any luck until one day it was just the right person. Usually I felt a disconnect after the first few sentences but not this time. Now we are in a relationship for over 6 years. Also according to my teenager math I need to meet at least 100 people to meet one I have a connection with. Add sexual attraction and you should be constantly texting new people to increase your changes.

xkbarkar 4y ago

Dating is a numbers game. An often soul crushing, shitty numbers game. Sure one can get lucky and meet the right one waiting for the bus. Those odds are not great though. If you want to meet someone, you have to find a platform where someone can meet you. And that platform will be full of nihilists, alcoholics, traumatized souls, perfect ones that dont like you back, fun ones you have no chemistry with and so on. Just like learning to code, play the violin or get in shape. No easy solution. Persistence and change strategy to tune results. And prepare to be disappointed a lot. But at least giving someone a chance to meet you or get to know you, whatever portal you choose, is pretty much essential step nr 1.

spywaregorilla 4y ago

I feel its important to call out that dating mechanics are irrelevant to the poster. This dude was depressed and have a hugely negative self worth. Hard stop. That doesn't generalize at all. How do you unsubscribe from dating apps? Don't use dating apps.

culopatin 4y ago

What does your friend circle look like? It’s easier to grow out from that than being alone trying to find someone to date. Meet people without any expectation of dating or sex or anything, just talk to talk, see where it leads you. One day they invite you to a party, movie, whatever, you get close to them, either you meet someone in the group that likes you or they bring someone new at some point and you like them, etc. If no one comes out within the group, with time you’ll be comfortable enough around them to ask “hey is there anything wrong with my attitude? Am I likeable? In which case they can either help you or boost your ego and make you feel better and they can even start thinking of hooking you up with someone.