3 ms·
>A week later, I received a few ambiguous and regretful messages from her, which escalated to a phone call in which she sought guidance on her next date The au
by daenz 4y ago
>A week later, I received a few ambiguous and regretful messages from her, which escalated to a phone call in which she sought guidance on her next date
The author needs to spend time identifying how people use tactics to assert and obtain power. Even if you don't want to use those tactics yourself, which is fine, your whole life will be better served by knowing how to deflect tactics others use to submit you (lowering your perceived value to others).
For some people, all they have is power games. They can't rely on abilities or genuine personality traits, so they have to rely on manipulating perceptions of themselves and others. Other people have the privilege of not needing to do that, so they never develop those manipulation instincts through practice. They get taken advantage of because they don't even see the games being played.
Imo, the sweet spot is not needing to manipulate others in order to have your intended effect on the world, but being able to do so to when it's required.
- bGl2YW5j 4y agoBoth this article and your comment sum-up what I have really been struggling with lately at work. I’ve never experienced such a narcissistic person and have had a hard time not only dealing with their behaviour, but identifying it for what it is in the first place. Thanks for the insight.
- prometheus76 4y agoSome tips from someone who has dealt with a few classic narcissists: don't argue with them. They do not reason the way you do. One-word answers are best. Pretend you are a very dull, boring person with no opinions when you are talking to them. Never raise your voice or get angry. They will try to use the silent treatment on you: ignore it. But it works very well on them too. They will never, in a million years, apologize. But if they apologize, they are only trying to manipulate you further because their fear of abandonment has been triggered by your body language and tone. Always remember they lie constantly. They don't know what the truth is anymore. These are strategies and perspectives I've learned from having narcissistic family members. I hope it helps. The best thing you can do is just not deal with them at all, but sometimes it's unavoidable.
- blacksignal 4y agoWhat you are describing is also known as the 'grey rock method'. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. And yes, it's very effective. And even better, allows you to detach and recoup your time and peace. Here's to healthier relationships.
- bGl2YW5j 4y agoThank you! That does help. I’ll definitely keep these strategies in mind.
- fdgsdfogijq 4y agoIt took me far too long to understand that people played power games and would actively hurt my psychology to put themselves ahead. Very odd realization and rather sad. I grew up as an objective person who always tried to see both sides. An odd awakening to realize not everyone thought like me
- IG_Semmelweiss 4y agoIt begs the question. Why is this knowledge not taught at schools? It is because the wolves are in command and dont want sheep to pull the wool off their eyes? Seems rather important concepts to learn as you go out into the world. Not everyone sees the world thru your prism.
- silvestrov 4y agoBecause if the teachers says "some people are bad", then the pupils will ask: who of us are bad? Who of our parents are bad? Who of the other teachers are bad? If you say "none", you will likely get caught in a lie. I think most kids figure out by themselves that many people are somewhat bad. It's mainly kids who are slightly/somewhat autistic who need help with this.
- fdgsdfogijq 4y agoYeah I'm somewhat on the spectrum, but not so much. It really wasnt until I was in my 20s that narcissists matured and became capable of real damage. Like putting me down in front of women, trying to get me to quit a high paying job, etc.
- PeterisP 4y agoYou don't have to say "some people are bad" but rather "some behaviors are bad or dangerous" - and teachers certainly can and should discuss bad or dangerous behavior to correct it and to recognize it in future. They already do so for behavior that is physically bad or dangerous, why not for behavior that's psychologically bad or dangerous?
- deleted 4y ago
- adrianmonk 4y ago> spend time identifying how people use tactics to assert and obtain power Other than just being aware and observant and learning through experience, are there any good resources for this? "Art of War" maybe? Something from fields like psychology or sociology?
- ducttapecrown 4y agoRead history books, like a biography of Julius Caesar. Read critical theory like the Communist Manifesto and read about the work of Foucault. Read critical history books like Why Nations Fail and A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. Some philosophy like Aristotle's Politics, Kant's categorical imperative and Rawl's veil of ignorance are also helpful I think.
- 0x20cowboy 4y agoThe worst book I’ve ever read in my life (that made me lose almost all my faith in humanity) but describes how manipulative people behave is “The 48 laws of power”. I wish I hadn’t read it, but at least I know. I recommend reading some Taoist or Stoic books after to keep from becoming deeply depressed.
- robonerd 4y agoThere are some good lessons in Art of War that I think are broadly applicable, particularly the admonishment against making others feel like they've been backed into a corner. Give people an out, some way to save face, and you can avoid a lot of drama.
- daenz 4y agoI'd echo the 48 laws of power. It gives a good insight into the common power games. A sibling comment had a bad experience with it, I was fine with it, but YMMV