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If a friend gets a great job or starts to live a healthy life you don't feel great for them? I don't believe that puts me in the minority of people, not a chanc

If a friend gets a great job or starts to live a healthy life you don't feel great for them? I don't believe that puts me in the minority of people, not a chance.

bennyp101 4y ago
An actual friend then sure, but most people I know have like 500+ “friends” so I think people are less likely to have that reaction to everyone in the timeline.
- laputan_machine 4y ago
  Oh I see yeah we're couched in the language of FB. I meant real friends, I noped out of most social media (ex. HN) in 2017. I don't miss it!
  - bennyp101 4y ago
    Same (apart from a fake FB profile so I know what's happening in the local village groups). I never really had a problem with FB, just the constant cringy posts made me leave! But dumping Twitter a couple of years ago was the best thing I ever did - it was just making me angry every time I started browsing it!
mojzu 4y ago
Personally I'm happy when good things are happening for family, friends and other people, but depending on my mood it can also trigger feelings of FOMO/anxiety (why isn't that happening for me, what am I missing, etc.). My guess is depending on the person and their current state that falling into a pattern of focussing on the latter rather then the former is easier when using social media. Which can then be a bit of a vicious cycle because cutting yourself off from social media may also mean you miss events that you could have participated in
tdudzik 4y ago
I think you can feel great for them and bad for yourself at the same time
- emteycz 4y ago
  But why would I? It's not like they took something from me. I am the lord of my destiny. And how is it in any way different from the same people telling me this stuff at a pub? I don't think social media has anything to do with this.
  - k_sze 4y ago
    Maybe you’re lucky to not be plagued by inferiority complex and/or impostor syndrome.
    - emteycz 4y ago
      Perhaps, but then why blame social media and not these disorders?
      - k_sze 4y ago
        I believe the argument would be that social media exacerbates the problem.
        emteycz 4y ago
        But does it exacerbate the problem more than other ways of social interaction? As opposed to a real life social interaction, I can simply hit Unfollow on Facebook (so we stay Friends but I don't see your posts unless I look for them)...
        k_sze 4y ago
        Maybe social media gives you a much more concentrated feed of things that can trigger your inferiority complex, compared to normal, real-life social interactions? And if you have to resort to unfollowing, you’re basically agreeing that it’s a problem.
chenxi9649 4y ago
I don't think you're in the minority either. We experience joy from the joy of those around us. I think the disagreement here mostly stems from a different definition of "friend". For most ppl, the friends they see on their FB/IG feed aren't actually "friends"... but more like acquaintances. Often times they're people that you've only met a few times and haven't seen in many years. Though, even with close friends, sometimes one can't help but compare. And since social media only highlight the highlights, you'll naturally feel bad when comparisons happen. Seems that with apps like BeReal/Locket taking off in the GenZ market this is starting to shift a little.
- id 4y ago
  But even when it comes to acquaintances, when I hear about their great new job or vacation, I don't feel envious or bad. I compare myself to other people, yes, and of course I'd like to have some of the things I see, but not to the point that I would feel bad. Does every story about someone being successful make you feel bad? I doubt it, as that is not my personal experience at all.
  - clausewitz 4y ago
    You keep grouping envy with inherently negative mindsets. Sometimes envy is just envy. As in, "damn, John is married with kids and a great job, and I'm still single and scraping by, I gotta get my shit together". I am not upset that John has these things, I am happy my friend John is happy. It also served as a reminder of what I want for myself, and thus, my envy is a motivator.
    - id 4y ago
      This is not envy in my opinion. You are not upset, you are happy John is happy, where is the envy exactly? You recognizing that he has something you don't?
k_sze 4y ago
One could be “happy”* for a friend and also feel shitty about themself. “Damn. Matthew has changed jobs 3 times in the past 5 years already, each time to a better paying job. Look at you. You’re still stuck in this shitty job because you suck.” This is literally the kind of thought I have had in the past. [*] Are you “happy” in a polite way? Or are you genuinely happy?
- laputan_machine 4y ago
  Genuinely happy, of course! I want to see my friends and family succeed in life and enjoy it. I don't feel like a lesser person in any way, I feel proud of them.
  - amelius 4y ago
    What kind of therapy is recommended to get into this state of being?
    - orzig 4y ago
      Take it or leave it, Metta meditation is pretty squarely aimed at that. I’ve had only the tiniest bits of success, but trying a book/video/app is a ton cheaper+easier than therapy!
    - tappio 4y ago
      Sorry, it's only available for 0.0001% of population and unfortunately you are not one of the lucky ones. Fortunately, empathy and epistemological pluralism can make your life bearable.
  - sanitycheck 4y ago
    I'd feel exactly the same way as you about that, and if we truly are in a tiny minority perhaps that does explain a lot about the world.
  - johnnymorgan 4y ago
    You've never felt Envy towards someone? I kind of find that hard to believe. that was all OP was referring too and it's well documented. Honestly you come off as dishonest in this convo as it's quiet a normal emotion to feel and it's not negative per say, it can lead to negative actions but can also push people to do better. "It doesn't matter if the slight is real or not, its the perception of the person that matters" -- Jimmy Hoffa
conjectures 4y ago
Yeah, tbh 'friends' are people for whom, when good stuff happens to them I feel happy about that.
sdevonoes 4y ago
> If a friend gets a great job or starts to live a healthy life you don't feel great for them? We can feel happy (for them) and unsatisfied (with ourselves) at the same time. Multiply that by N, and well, that's a recipe for disaster (at least for me). I know, I know, we shall not compare ourselves with others, but hey, I'm not a machine, I have my imperfections which I am polishing from time to time, but in the meanwhile social media makes everything worse in average (for me).
- prawn 4y ago
  I travel more than average so I am happy seeing friends going on trips. It's rare that their trip looks better than what I've just done or have planned next. But I could absolutely see how someone might spectate a feed full of holidays and feel from the aggregate like everyone else is constantly travelling, while they grind away at work.
  - cableshaft 4y ago
    Meanwhile my family's barely travelled the past three years due to Covid concerns, tighter budgets (wife's income got severely impacted from the pandemic for a while, while this year we had to unexpectedly pay a good vacation's worth of taxes), and having to use PTO for other unrelated things. Most I've done is a few weekend trips to neighboring states.
  - malauxyeux 4y ago
    Since this is about the effect of social media on mood, I'll chime in to say that it's the opposite for me. Seeing people conspicuously consume extravagant leisure travel – and the associated resources – brings to mind global warming and how few people actually give a damn about it in any meaningful way. It also reminds me of what brazen liars many people are. In cases where I've known the people posting Facebook/Insta content about their amazing trips, in about half of those, the reality is that the trip was far less than amazing than their posts would suggest. As an example, one woman I know took her family across the Pacific to Thailand on a two-week vacation. By their accounts, they had a pretty rotten time, even considering moving their return date forward. But, the Facebook narrative was glowing. Four years later, the woman's Facebook cover photo is of a Thai Buddhist temple from that trip. (She's not a Buddhist. The photo is purely for aesthetics and social signaling.) It seems to me that this kind of behavior feeds into a loop that encourages other people to consume finite resources and then post about their "amazing" (though often non-amazing) trips. And so the cycle continues. And that really gets me down. I don't go on Facebook very often.
weatherlite 4y ago
A lot of this depends on how one's life is going. It is easy and natural to be genuinely happy for others when you are satisfied with your own life. But if I became unemployed and my friend got into Google then yeah...happiness level will be limited. There is a sound evolutionary explanation on why that is so.
- id 4y ago
  This sure plays a big role, I agree. Maybe I would feel some envy in that example, but I would also not let it consume me, and still feel happy for my friend at the same time.
jtbayly 4y ago
“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” Gore Vidal This is not a rare feeling.
luxuryballs 4y ago
Yeah I’m with you, I think the response itself might be an indicator of a certain personality type or if negative then a clue of unhealthy thinking habits.

If a friend gets a great job or starts to live a healthy life you don't feel great for them? I don't believe that puts me in the minority of people, not a chance.

bennyp101 4y ago

An actual friend then sure, but most people I know have like 500+ “friends” so I think people are less likely to have that reaction to everyone in the timeline.

laputan_machine 4y ago
Oh I see yeah we're couched in the language of FB. I meant real friends, I noped out of most social media (ex. HN) in 2017. I don't miss it!
- bennyp101 4y ago
  Same (apart from a fake FB profile so I know what's happening in the local village groups). I never really had a problem with FB, just the constant cringy posts made me leave! But dumping Twitter a couple of years ago was the best thing I ever did - it was just making me angry every time I started browsing it!

mojzu 4y ago

Personally I'm happy when good things are happening for family, friends and other people, but depending on my mood it can also trigger feelings of FOMO/anxiety (why isn't that happening for me, what am I missing, etc.). My guess is depending on the person and their current state that falling into a pattern of focussing on the latter rather then the former is easier when using social media. Which can then be a bit of a vicious cycle because cutting yourself off from social media may also mean you miss events that you could have participated in

tdudzik 4y ago

I think you can feel great for them and bad for yourself at the same time

emteycz 4y ago
But why would I? It's not like they took something from me. I am the lord of my destiny. And how is it in any way different from the same people telling me this stuff at a pub? I don't think social media has anything to do with this.
- k_sze 4y ago
  Maybe you’re lucky to not be plagued by inferiority complex and/or impostor syndrome.
  - emteycz 4y ago
    Perhaps, but then why blame social media and not these disorders?
    - k_sze 4y ago
      I believe the argument would be that social media exacerbates the problem.
      - emteycz 4y ago
        But does it exacerbate the problem more than other ways of social interaction? As opposed to a real life social interaction, I can simply hit Unfollow on Facebook (so we stay Friends but I don't see your posts unless I look for them)...
        k_sze 4y ago
        Maybe social media gives you a much more concentrated feed of things that can trigger your inferiority complex, compared to normal, real-life social interactions? And if you have to resort to unfollowing, you’re basically agreeing that it’s a problem.

chenxi9649 4y ago

I don't think you're in the minority either. We experience joy from the joy of those around us. I think the disagreement here mostly stems from a different definition of "friend". For most ppl, the friends they see on their FB/IG feed aren't actually "friends"... but more like acquaintances. Often times they're people that you've only met a few times and haven't seen in many years. Though, even with close friends, sometimes one can't help but compare. And since social media only highlight the highlights, you'll naturally feel bad when comparisons happen. Seems that with apps like BeReal/Locket taking off in the GenZ market this is starting to shift a little.

id 4y ago
But even when it comes to acquaintances, when I hear about their great new job or vacation, I don't feel envious or bad. I compare myself to other people, yes, and of course I'd like to have some of the things I see, but not to the point that I would feel bad. Does every story about someone being successful make you feel bad? I doubt it, as that is not my personal experience at all.
- clausewitz 4y ago
  You keep grouping envy with inherently negative mindsets. Sometimes envy is just envy. As in, "damn, John is married with kids and a great job, and I'm still single and scraping by, I gotta get my shit together". I am not upset that John has these things, I am happy my friend John is happy. It also served as a reminder of what I want for myself, and thus, my envy is a motivator.
  - id 4y ago
    This is not envy in my opinion. You are not upset, you are happy John is happy, where is the envy exactly? You recognizing that he has something you don't?

k_sze 4y ago

One could be “happy”* for a friend and also feel shitty about themself. “Damn. Matthew has changed jobs 3 times in the past 5 years already, each time to a better paying job. Look at you. You’re still stuck in this shitty job because you suck.” This is literally the kind of thought I have had in the past. [*] Are you “happy” in a polite way? Or are you genuinely happy?

laputan_machine 4y ago
Genuinely happy, of course! I want to see my friends and family succeed in life and enjoy it. I don't feel like a lesser person in any way, I feel proud of them.
- amelius 4y ago
  What kind of therapy is recommended to get into this state of being?
  - orzig 4y ago
    Take it or leave it, Metta meditation is pretty squarely aimed at that. I’ve had only the tiniest bits of success, but trying a book/video/app is a ton cheaper+easier than therapy!
  - tappio 4y ago
    Sorry, it's only available for 0.0001% of population and unfortunately you are not one of the lucky ones. Fortunately, empathy and epistemological pluralism can make your life bearable.
- sanitycheck 4y ago
  I'd feel exactly the same way as you about that, and if we truly are in a tiny minority perhaps that does explain a lot about the world.
- johnnymorgan 4y ago
  You've never felt Envy towards someone? I kind of find that hard to believe. that was all OP was referring too and it's well documented. Honestly you come off as dishonest in this convo as it's quiet a normal emotion to feel and it's not negative per say, it can lead to negative actions but can also push people to do better. "It doesn't matter if the slight is real or not, its the perception of the person that matters" -- Jimmy Hoffa

conjectures 4y ago

Yeah, tbh 'friends' are people for whom, when good stuff happens to them I feel happy about that.

sdevonoes 4y ago

> If a friend gets a great job or starts to live a healthy life you don't feel great for them? We can feel happy (for them) and unsatisfied (with ourselves) at the same time. Multiply that by N, and well, that's a recipe for disaster (at least for me). I know, I know, we shall not compare ourselves with others, but hey, I'm not a machine, I have my imperfections which I am polishing from time to time, but in the meanwhile social media makes everything worse in average (for me).

prawn 4y ago
I travel more than average so I am happy seeing friends going on trips. It's rare that their trip looks better than what I've just done or have planned next. But I could absolutely see how someone might spectate a feed full of holidays and feel from the aggregate like everyone else is constantly travelling, while they grind away at work.
- cableshaft 4y ago
  Meanwhile my family's barely travelled the past three years due to Covid concerns, tighter budgets (wife's income got severely impacted from the pandemic for a while, while this year we had to unexpectedly pay a good vacation's worth of taxes), and having to use PTO for other unrelated things. Most I've done is a few weekend trips to neighboring states.
- malauxyeux 4y ago
  Since this is about the effect of social media on mood, I'll chime in to say that it's the opposite for me. Seeing people conspicuously consume extravagant leisure travel – and the associated resources – brings to mind global warming and how few people actually give a damn about it in any meaningful way. It also reminds me of what brazen liars many people are. In cases where I've known the people posting Facebook/Insta content about their amazing trips, in about half of those, the reality is that the trip was far less than amazing than their posts would suggest. As an example, one woman I know took her family across the Pacific to Thailand on a two-week vacation. By their accounts, they had a pretty rotten time, even considering moving their return date forward. But, the Facebook narrative was glowing. Four years later, the woman's Facebook cover photo is of a Thai Buddhist temple from that trip. (She's not a Buddhist. The photo is purely for aesthetics and social signaling.) It seems to me that this kind of behavior feeds into a loop that encourages other people to consume finite resources and then post about their "amazing" (though often non-amazing) trips. And so the cycle continues. And that really gets me down. I don't go on Facebook very often.

weatherlite 4y ago

A lot of this depends on how one's life is going. It is easy and natural to be genuinely happy for others when you are satisfied with your own life. But if I became unemployed and my friend got into Google then yeah...happiness level will be limited. There is a sound evolutionary explanation on why that is so.

id 4y ago
This sure plays a big role, I agree. Maybe I would feel some envy in that example, but I would also not let it consume me, and still feel happy for my friend at the same time.

jtbayly 4y ago

“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” Gore Vidal This is not a rare feeling.

luxuryballs 4y ago

Yeah I’m with you, I think the response itself might be an indicator of a certain personality type or if negative then a clue of unhealthy thinking habits.