8 ms·

This isn’t always the case, but sometimes I find myself naturally skeptical of people who seem overly interested in what’s going on in my life and overwhelming

This isn’t always the case, but sometimes I find myself naturally skeptical of people who seem overly interested in what’s going on in my life and overwhelming positive and complimentary of anything I mention - as if the nicer someone is the more I perceive their kindness to be BS. I’ve had to focus on suppressing this inclination to see the genuine good in others at times.

Vanit 4y ago
My one data point; the one ex-friend I had that was really encouraging/interested in things I talked about (at first) turned out to be a borderline sociopath and I had to end the friendship.
- switchbak 4y ago
  I've had similar experiences. I find some people use attention and the doling out of validation to establish control and eventually manipulation. They don't have to be sociopaths, even average narcissists often play such games. It's very counter intuitive to question someone's motives when their external presentation is so disarming. Undoubtedly this keeps you from some genuine relationships as well though.
  - tsol 4y ago
    Interesting. I sometimes see that. But sometimes I find some people are just nice.
    - A4ET8a8uTh0 4y ago
      It is a gamble. The question typically boils down to whether you are willing to gamble. I mean.. it is genuinely harder to make 'real' friends as you grow older. As a kid, there is no question of ulterior motives, because they are in the open. He has a console and a new game I want to play. We are best friends now. As adults, it is turtles all the way down..
LeftHandPath 4y ago
On several occasions I've found myself taken aback when someone asked me a deep/attentive question about myself. There are only a few people in my life that I actually care enough to hear their answers to those of questions, and I assume they are the same way. Sometimes those people creep me out and sometimes it forms a lasting bond. But I fully understand what you mean when you say you perceive it as BS. It just sets off alarm bells and makes my brain pay way more attention to decide whether they are being genuine or not (and if they are, to find out why the apparent bond is so asymmetrical).
- A4ET8a8uTh0 4y ago
  << I've found myself taken aback when someone asked me a deep/attentive question about myself. I guess it really depends on how 'deep' the question is. If it is the 'how are your kids/how was your weekend?', I typically play along, because people expect a performance art ( or at least did pre-covid ). I might even make something up if I feel frisky. But I don't really recall an adult asking me deep/attentive questions during work hours ( sadly, it is not a joke; my in-office interactions were highly scripted ). Still, you made me think about the 'deep/attentive' questions from others. A decade or so ago, co-worker brought his kids to work. One kid was brutal and his questions made me re-evaluate some of my basic assumptions about my work/life balance. edit: Obviously, I have no idea how I would have reacted if an adult stranger asked me the same questions.
Cthulhu_ 4y ago
I have the same thing, I have a few theories. One, it's unexpected that someone seems to actually be interested in you. This may be projection as well, of course, because I am not actually interested in most people. People ask "How's your weekend been?" to me, but I don't ask that of others myself - one, I don't care, and two, how someone else spends their spare time is none of my business. And two, it's awareness of these interpersonal techniques (e.g. Carnegie's book) to make friends, influence people, and sell them something - in other words, ulterior motives instead of genuine interest. Building rapport. It feels like an act. Three, hopefully an edge case, I knew one guy who made it really overt that he only asked you how your day / weekend was so he could talk about his. I wasn't playing because I thought he was a prick, and I didn't care about his weekend, and was uncomfortable talking about my spare time, especially because there was no genuine interest but instead a segue into boasting.
- jan_Inkepa 4y ago
  There's an epigram of Martial: > Ut recitem tibi nostra rogas epigrammata. Nolo. Non audire, Celer, sed recitare cupis. > You ask that I recite to you my epigrams. I refuse: you don't want to listen, Celer, but to recite your own. --- It's not the same, but a similar thing I want to mention in case reading the parent comment makes awkward people feel awkward about asking people about their days in case it's perceived as mercenary: I have a friend who is a bit ADHD-ish, and gets caught up with his own interests. I greatly enjoy talking to him regardless, but I know when he stops himself and asks me about what's going on in my life that's a very conscious decision on his part - and I appreciate it all the more for that.
- kdmccormick 4y ago
  > This may be projection as well, of course, because I am not actually interested in most people. Bingo. Not everyone is interested in medieval history, but some are fascinated by it. Some people don't care about the specifics of their friends'/colleagues' weekends, others are genuinely curious. To each their own. And, yeah, some people are just socially engineering or, or just waiting for their turn to talk (John Mulaney has a funny bit about that)... but it's not all of us, I promise. And I think those people are fairly likely to identify themselves via other adjacent failings of character.
Terry_Roll 4y ago
> I find myself naturally skeptical of people who seem overly interested in what’s going on in my life and overwhelming positive and complimentary of anything I mention Yep, as an INTJ, I find myself often repeating pertinent points because I dont see any lights-going-on moment in their faces, the negative for me is that I've been labelled by some as having dementia for repeating myself! I just dont see people reacting to the significance of some of the things I've said to them though and thats worrying when its authority type figures. Classic example, kidney disease test uses creatinine as an indicator of estimated Glomular Filtration Rate (eGFR test). Things that elevate creatine and its breakdown product creatinine, is vitamin D and creatine body building supplementation. Vets and GP's use these creatinine tests to prescribe a whole host of drugs and treatments yet the lab test cant quantify and account for the Vit D and Creatine supplementation. My vet was surprised I give my dog creatine, but about 30% can be destroyed by heat and the raw diet makes huskies perform better by about 20%, ergo creatine supplement for dogs on cooked food can help get them closer to what they would have had on a raw diet. Even GP's dont ask if someone is doing creatine supplementation at least on the NHS here in the UK. For the record you need to two weeks off Creatine supplementation for the lab test to become accurate and longer like at least 8-12 weeks for Vit D (Vit D has a 4 week half life) to get out of your system before arriving at a more accurate creatinine lab test. If GP doesn't ask the right questions, they could put your through unnecessary treatments which is a waste for taxpayers and the patient. And thats just one example out of loads.
- pbhjpbhj 4y ago
  Maybe your conversation needs practice? It's pretty hard to see what your long (in this forum), detailed anecdote about your dog has to do with the conversation at hand. This is not intended as any sort of slight, but based on this comment alone I would suspect you may have Aspergers.
  - salawat 4y ago
    Ffs. This is s exactly their point. You're seven steps behind the game. The point is that if you don't ask the right questions, the 'ah ha' moment one would need to realize they will be defeated by using a standard testing technique because there is extra context that you, the General Practitioner are unaware of. Then instead of sitting down and engaging a few brain cells on abstract thinking, you blame the poster for having Aspberger's because you can't make the topical leap. This happens all the time in topics where one can actually be bothered to accrue significant knowledge, in my experience.

Vanit 4y ago

My one data point; the one ex-friend I had that was really encouraging/interested in things I talked about (at first) turned out to be a borderline sociopath and I had to end the friendship.

switchbak 4y ago
I've had similar experiences. I find some people use attention and the doling out of validation to establish control and eventually manipulation. They don't have to be sociopaths, even average narcissists often play such games. It's very counter intuitive to question someone's motives when their external presentation is so disarming. Undoubtedly this keeps you from some genuine relationships as well though.
- tsol 4y ago
  Interesting. I sometimes see that. But sometimes I find some people are just nice.
  - A4ET8a8uTh0 4y ago
    It is a gamble. The question typically boils down to whether you are willing to gamble. I mean.. it is genuinely harder to make 'real' friends as you grow older. As a kid, there is no question of ulterior motives, because they are in the open. He has a console and a new game I want to play. We are best friends now. As adults, it is turtles all the way down..

LeftHandPath 4y ago

On several occasions I've found myself taken aback when someone asked me a deep/attentive question about myself. There are only a few people in my life that I actually care enough to hear their answers to those of questions, and I assume they are the same way. Sometimes those people creep me out and sometimes it forms a lasting bond. But I fully understand what you mean when you say you perceive it as BS. It just sets off alarm bells and makes my brain pay way more attention to decide whether they are being genuine or not (and if they are, to find out why the apparent bond is so asymmetrical).

A4ET8a8uTh0 4y ago
<< I've found myself taken aback when someone asked me a deep/attentive question about myself. I guess it really depends on how 'deep' the question is. If it is the 'how are your kids/how was your weekend?', I typically play along, because people expect a performance art ( or at least did pre-covid ). I might even make something up if I feel frisky. But I don't really recall an adult asking me deep/attentive questions during work hours ( sadly, it is not a joke; my in-office interactions were highly scripted ). Still, you made me think about the 'deep/attentive' questions from others. A decade or so ago, co-worker brought his kids to work. One kid was brutal and his questions made me re-evaluate some of my basic assumptions about my work/life balance. edit: Obviously, I have no idea how I would have reacted if an adult stranger asked me the same questions.

Cthulhu_ 4y ago

I have the same thing, I have a few theories. One, it's unexpected that someone seems to actually be interested in you. This may be projection as well, of course, because I am not actually interested in most people. People ask "How's your weekend been?" to me, but I don't ask that of others myself - one, I don't care, and two, how someone else spends their spare time is none of my business. And two, it's awareness of these interpersonal techniques (e.g. Carnegie's book) to make friends, influence people, and sell them something - in other words, ulterior motives instead of genuine interest. Building rapport. It feels like an act. Three, hopefully an edge case, I knew one guy who made it really overt that he only asked you how your day / weekend was so he could talk about his. I wasn't playing because I thought he was a prick, and I didn't care about his weekend, and was uncomfortable talking about my spare time, especially because there was no genuine interest but instead a segue into boasting.

jan_Inkepa 4y ago
There's an epigram of Martial: > Ut recitem tibi nostra rogas epigrammata. Nolo. Non audire, Celer, sed recitare cupis. > You ask that I recite to you my epigrams. I refuse: you don't want to listen, Celer, but to recite your own. --- It's not the same, but a similar thing I want to mention in case reading the parent comment makes awkward people feel awkward about asking people about their days in case it's perceived as mercenary: I have a friend who is a bit ADHD-ish, and gets caught up with his own interests. I greatly enjoy talking to him regardless, but I know when he stops himself and asks me about what's going on in my life that's a very conscious decision on his part - and I appreciate it all the more for that.
kdmccormick 4y ago
> This may be projection as well, of course, because I am not actually interested in most people. Bingo. Not everyone is interested in medieval history, but some are fascinated by it. Some people don't care about the specifics of their friends'/colleagues' weekends, others are genuinely curious. To each their own. And, yeah, some people are just socially engineering or, or just waiting for their turn to talk (John Mulaney has a funny bit about that)... but it's not all of us, I promise. And I think those people are fairly likely to identify themselves via other adjacent failings of character.

Terry_Roll 4y ago

> I find myself naturally skeptical of people who seem overly interested in what’s going on in my life and overwhelming positive and complimentary of anything I mention Yep, as an INTJ, I find myself often repeating pertinent points because I dont see any lights-going-on moment in their faces, the negative for me is that I've been labelled by some as having dementia for repeating myself! I just dont see people reacting to the significance of some of the things I've said to them though and thats worrying when its authority type figures. Classic example, kidney disease test uses creatinine as an indicator of estimated Glomular Filtration Rate (eGFR test). Things that elevate creatine and its breakdown product creatinine, is vitamin D and creatine body building supplementation. Vets and GP's use these creatinine tests to prescribe a whole host of drugs and treatments yet the lab test cant quantify and account for the Vit D and Creatine supplementation. My vet was surprised I give my dog creatine, but about 30% can be destroyed by heat and the raw diet makes huskies perform better by about 20%, ergo creatine supplement for dogs on cooked food can help get them closer to what they would have had on a raw diet. Even GP's dont ask if someone is doing creatine supplementation at least on the NHS here in the UK. For the record you need to two weeks off Creatine supplementation for the lab test to become accurate and longer like at least 8-12 weeks for Vit D (Vit D has a 4 week half life) to get out of your system before arriving at a more accurate creatinine lab test. If GP doesn't ask the right questions, they could put your through unnecessary treatments which is a waste for taxpayers and the patient. And thats just one example out of loads.

pbhjpbhj 4y ago
Maybe your conversation needs practice? It's pretty hard to see what your long (in this forum), detailed anecdote about your dog has to do with the conversation at hand. This is not intended as any sort of slight, but based on this comment alone I would suspect you may have Aspergers.
- salawat 4y ago
  Ffs. This is s exactly their point. You're seven steps behind the game. The point is that if you don't ask the right questions, the 'ah ha' moment one would need to realize they will be defeated by using a standard testing technique because there is extra context that you, the General Practitioner are unaware of. Then instead of sitting down and engaging a few brain cells on abstract thinking, you blame the poster for having Aspberger's because you can't make the topical leap. This happens all the time in topics where one can actually be bothered to accrue significant knowledge, in my experience.