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Ask HN: How's your relationship with your parent(s)?

• wvlia5 4y ago
  I miss them, I don't speak to them. Dad can't stop lying to me. Mom can't stop trying to annoy me to relieve her misery. They raised me in a High-Control-Cult (Jehovah's Witnesses) Both love me, both messed me up.
• deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
• Trasmatta 4y ago
  I read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" last year, and that basically summed up my relationship with them. They were emotionally unavailable to me growing up, and very immature, and now I find it almost impossible to connect with them or feel any affection for them.
  • psyc 4y ago
    I had the exact same relationship with my parents for the same reason. A family therapist once even specifically told this to my siblings and I using the term “Adult Children.” However, I somehow managed to develop some affection and a “feeling that they’re my parents” in my mid 30s. But don’t even get me started on my total inability to form committed relationships!
    • Trasmatta 4y ago
      It seems to be a pretty common phenomenon, I think. People have kids when they're young, and a role reversal happens then the kids get old enough. This causes deep seated emotional issues which then continue on to the next generation... My parents did the best they could with what they had available to them at the time. But it still messed me up, and I've decided not to have kids myself. > But don’t even get me started on my total inability to form committed relationships! oh hey it me!
      • psyc 4y ago
        Oh yes, my parents were extremely earnest about trying to be good parents. They just couldn’t do it, and it was really sad. I think trying to give them credit for their intentions and what they were able to do for us helped me. When I was a teen, I used to think about having kids so I could do a better job. Once I became an adult I couldn’t even consider or conceive of it.
        • Trasmatta 4y ago
          > When I was a teen, I used to think about having kids so I could do a better job. Once I became an adult I could even consider or conceive of it. I used to think the same thing when I was a teenager! I would daydream about how I would be so much better of a parent. Now I realize I wouldn't do better at all. It's incredibly hard. So I understand my parents much better now, but it's still hard for me to feel love and affection for them after everything that happened.
          • psyc 4y ago
            Oops. I meant to write “could NOT consider or conceive of it.”
            • Trasmatta 4y ago
              No worries, that's what I interpreted the meaning as :)
          • grvdrm 4y ago
            I’m a parent now and this thread hits home. I’ll respond in full otherwise but wanted to comment here first. I think you might be able to do better but it’s not really a black and white comparison. Maybe better for some things, and worse for other things. I look at my own parenting today and am proud that I am NOT doing some of the things my dad did, but I don’t think of myself as better or worse overall. I’m just happy that what I’m doing makes sense to me, and produces pretty awesome feedback from my kids and especially my wife.
  • cududa 4y ago
    I have to have heard this book mentioned a few dozen times. Probably certainly says nothing about me that I'm drawn to threads or people who suggest this book. Certainly not ... I just made myself order it.
    • Trasmatta 4y ago
      It was a hard read for me, but incredibly enlightening. I must have highlighted over 40 different passages. At some point I plan to read it a second time, because there's a lot that I haven't fully digested yet. In an odd way it's made me more empathetic to my parents, even though the memories are challenging. In my case it wasn't that they wanted to be emotionally unavailable, it's that they were dealing with their own immense internal turmoil, while still being essentially children emotionally. EDIT: I just checked, I highlighted 116 passages.
      • cududa 4y ago
        I'm on page 4 and I don't know how the target audience doesn't just highlight the whole book
  • Infernal 4y ago
    I am reading this thread as a parent and terrified - when people say their parents were emotionally unavailable and very immature - how can I make sure my kids are not thinking this about me in a few years?
    • sparker72678 4y ago
      The fact that it occurs to you to care about that is a good sign.
    • throw-9826734 4y ago
      In my experience, at one point I realized that my mom only really cared about me from the point of view of how it affected her. She would ask me questions about my life only so she could tell me her opinions and feelings about it. It seems that she's not really aware or capable of taking an interest in my feelings or thoughts (despite me trying repeatedly to point this out to her). She asks me about my job and my salary, I think because it comforts her to know that I've "made it" and that she made good decisions in my upbringing. She doesn't really ask me about how I feel about my work - if I like it or have difficulties with certain elements. When I moved (closer, then further away) the only conversations we had about it were about how nice it would be to have me closer, and how sad they would be for me to leave. She never wondered why I chose to move, or what I liked about living in one place or another. And then there are certain things that she never asks me at all. I'm married, but she never asked me about what I like about my wife, or what our relationship is like. When me and my wife told her that we were thinking about having children, her reaction was that "she didn't feel old enough to be a grandparent". It's strange because she obviously cares about me in some capacity. It's very important to her that we keep up communications and that I'm near... but she just seems to have this total blind spot about the total lack of connection in our relationship. I think one of my goals as a parent is to make sure I take a genuine interest in my children and try to understand what kind of people they are.
      • margor 4y ago
        This literally reads like I would describe my parents. Dot for dot, it's same reaction to the same statements that I made to my parents. What really enlighten me, however, is reading this site: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html This is about the world of estranged parent's forums, how they react, how they write about their children when they don't want to contact them, or when they make it clear why they treat them such way. If you care enough to learn about this behavior more (although, I've to admit, it's hard to accept what is said there on the site), I strongly recommend giving a read of this site, it takes about one/two evenings to go through all the stories there. Tl;dr is that some people are just wired this way, it's like they literally have a blockage somewhere in their mind, that doesn't allow them to express themselves any other way, such as more compassionate people do it. Once you learn that, talking with them becomes easier once you recognize the patterns.
• jacquesm 4y ago
  I'm not all that comfortable writing about my relationship with my parents in an open forum especially because one of them is still alive and I have siblings, but you can probably trust me on the statement that most 'picture-perfect families' aren't.
• danamit 4y ago
  A bit of complications, but we do talk, and no one complain about the other that much. PS: I am from the West.
• jleyank 4y ago
  Read Passages by Gail Sheehy. Was close pre-teen, while a goody two-shoes, I pushed them away a bit teen years (most of which were spent away at school). Got rather frustrated with them early working/married years but it recovered rather nicely afterwards. Now, as they're long gone, would be nice to have them to talk to. They had baggage which I ended up carrying a bit. Folks, don't "stay together for the kids" as the kids know what's going down. Balancing sux.
• mikercampbell 4y ago
  I was born and raised devoutly Mormon, and have since left the religion. My mom and I were tight, and my dad and I butted heads, but we loved each other. I graduated college, with their praise, I had kids, with their love and praise, but since leaving the church that they are still devout to, things fell apart. I try to maintain a relationship, I video call once a week, text some in between, but I'm always greeted with my mom's "phone voice", which lets me know that she's not as close to me as I want to be with her. I love the Mormon church, and it will always be part of me, but there's so much pressure on parents to have their kids remain, and I knew it would let my parents down. I disappoint my mom on a daily basis, and that's a hard bridge to cross for a relationship.
  • throwaway_4ever 4y ago
    Ya I grapple with this heavy. I come from a US Protestant upbringing, but my family has literal Earth-maybe-5000-years-old, anti-gay, no sex before marriage stereotypical Baptist views. As tough as it is sometimes to waste time in church living a lie about things that no one un-indoctrinated could believe in, actually coming out with my true beliefs and leading to your situation is probably a worse move.
    • p0d 4y ago
      I came to church later, was not indoctrinated as you say. I respect your supporting your family. When you are older, and have possibly had a successful career, the question still comes up. What is life all about? So it's good to have a bigger view of the world than one which we make up ourselves.
      • mikercampbell 4y ago
        There's a phrase that I love that goes something like "I'd rather have questions without answers than answers that can't be questioned". My partner and I were talking about this today. She's very freed by the idea of not having religious "exercises" to go through and measure herself against. I am, too, but I still have this massive weight of self-loathing that I need to figure out. Phantom guilt that has no cause or reason, but still looks like it needs addressing, things like that. But I love being the captain of my own ship. My religion is whatever brings me lasting joy.
• slipperlobster 4y ago
  Honestly - not great. We've never been super close. We are pretty vastly different w.r.t. politics but I've been the type of person to let it slide. With COVID and our newborn, the anti-vax approach they've had pushed us even further away. I haven't seen them in years because they won't vaccinate and I won't (knowingly) let un-vaccinated, high-exposure (as in, going out to eat all the time, taking no precautions) people interact with my daughter until she can get vaccinated. We just don't see eye-to-eye on almost all things and I don't have the patience to deal with it.
  • throwfaraway9 4y ago
  • giantg2 4y ago
    "and I don't have the patience to deal with it." That's probably a better description than I could come up with for dealing with my mom. Sooo much patience is needed, and it's usually not enough to keep the frustration at bay. It results in talking to her infrequently. It sounds terrible but she's one of those people that is "too nice". My wife didn't believe me until we stayed at her house for a couple days, but now she gets more annoyed than I do. So it's not just me.
    • Beltalowda 4y ago
      I'm curious how she's "too nice" and why so much patience is needed for that?
      • giantg2 4y ago
        It's difficult to explain. One example would be if she offers to get you a drink while you're working on something. She'll spend 3 minutes running down a list of every possible drink, even if you said you didn't want anything or just wanted water. She will repeat herself or go back and forth about if she has something or not, going into a story of why she thinks one way or the other. When you pick something she'll ask a bunch more questions about if you want a specific glass, do you want ice, etc. I honestly don't care. I didn't even want anything. I'm in the middle of stuff. Can we play 20 questions later?
• DaveSchmindel 4y ago
  I experienced something very similar to your "coming of age conflict" so-to-speak, only mine began earlier and had certain... catalysts... The short version of the story is that at this point in my life, that conflict eventually dissipated at some point. Perhaps my parent(s) arrived at a new inflection point. Perhaps they became more mature. Whatever it was, it seems they've at least come to terms with the fact that I'm going to pave my own way regardless of their thoughts and feelings on the matter. Ultimately, acknowledging that if they want a relationship with me it simply looks different than how they originally envisioned it. If you ever care to share your story, I suggest doing just that. Therapy and simply talking through the issues that my experience cultivated allowed me to see things from a birds-eye view a bit better, and dissolve my ego from the situation. I'm all ears, FWIW, and I wish you the best of luck in finding peace somehow in your own sticky situation.
• escapedmoose 4y ago
  It’s complicated. They were very devoted parents, so my sisters adore them. But they’re quite religious and handled my coming out extremely poorly (definitely have some trauma from that). We have many philosophical disagreements which I’ve learned how to avoid. Now I think of them as friends—I’m not going to depend on them for anything, but we have a lot in common so I can legitimately have fun with them. I try to make it to their house for Scrabble night once a month.
• anonacct 4y ago
  I'm really successful. It shocks other people if I tell them the details about how bad my relationship was with my parents growing up, so I don't. I feel super lonely and alienated about it. I don't feel comfortable in the communities online where people talk about stuff like this because either I think their issue is too mild for them to understand my experience or I feel like my issues aren't bad enough to count. Someone once told me I seemed like a person who had never experienced personal hardships, ha. Only ever had one friend I could talk to about it. Wish I knew how to feel less lonely about it
  • Beltalowda 4y ago
    > It shocks other people if I tell them the details about how bad my relationship was with my parents growing up, so I don't. I've noticed this as well, with comments like "wow, it's amazing you turned out so well!" after I tell them a bit about my youth and parents. Ehh, okay? What did you expect me to do? Sit in a corner and cry all day about my lost childhood? You see the same when some people talk about disabled people (either by birth or accident). "Oh he's in a wheelchair after the accident, but he's still enjoying life, how brave!" Yeah mate, you don't really have a choice do you? Anyway, I don't feel particularly lonely or alienated about it; as far as I'm concerned it is what it is. I can talk to my brother about it (and do sometimes) but it's not really something I "need". I'm sorry to say that I don't really have any suggestions on that part except maybe seek out a therapist if you're really struggling with it.
    • anonacct 4y ago
      I finally have a really good therapist, yeah. On some other thread recently someone described therapy as a 100x profession which feels true. I worry I'm a challenging, stubborn client but I'll "get there" eventually I think Talking about it with intimate partners or close friends is hardest, total strangers I'll never see again is easier. I don't want to be coddled in a relationship and I get icked out when people seem fascinated by it or admire me knowing I went through this stuff. There's also no way to ease into it, it's too abruptly concerning if I'm honest about it, it's like someone says "oh I had this challenge growing up" and wants me to mirror them emotionally and I don't have any true stories that are mild enough for that early level of intimacy? And given how normal I seem, if I do get honest, I worry it seems like I'm lying In my case my sibling was spared the bad experiences, wasn't present for the worst part, and has some issues that would prevent them offering emotional support. I think I also still resent them for having been spared these bad experiences, even though I know they're not to blame for that. I was sorta scapegoated I'm definitely "is what it is" about it in some ways, yeah, no desire to confront anyone or get any kind of resolution, it just left me with a lot problems not relating to other people or trusting them easily, and disliking myself Thanks for your comment. I really do need to find a way to feel less alone about it
• trentgreene 4y ago
  Great! Hard growing up, but this corrected when I became independent
• nerdyadventurer 4y ago
  If you are from South/East Asian country, most of the time you have very tight bond with your parents even as grown ups, I think that's what make those cultures beautiful and valuable.
  • kaashmonee 4y ago
    I'm from an Asian country and I'm an only child so my relationship with my parents is similar to my relationship with some of my close friends. Granted my parents have changed over time and their values and beliefs now aren't what they were when we first immigrated to America. I count myself very lucky that they were able to adapt and leave some of their antiquated views behind. This isn't always true of Asian families; I have a friend in the same boat as me but I also have one who has an extremely strained relationship with her parents due to their conservative and unchanging views on things.
• deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
• giantg2 4y ago
  "And for some reason, in real life I seem to be surrounded by peers with successful jobs and picture-perfect families." I'm sure they aren't. People show the things they want you to see and hide the ones they don't want you to know about.
• Borrible 4y ago
  They have their lives, I have mine. Sometimes you don't understand each other's behavior, but at some point in life everyone has to know for themselves what is right and wrong for them. We have never tried to impose our different views of the world on each other. As a father, I have made it clear to my children that at some point they are responsible for themselves and of course they will get support if they get into trouble, but not for every mischief they get into. They know I have had to learn my lessons in life the hard way and place a high value on freedom and self-sufficiency, and am willing to pay the price. Just like my parents, I don't need power plays out of character mediocrity to bolster a weak ego.
  • samh748 4y ago
    Totally agree with not imposing our own views on others. > As a father, I have made it clear to my children that at some point they are responsible for themselves and of course they will get support if they get into trouble, but not for every mischief they get into. Maybe you already know this, but I also have to point out, with regards to our children, sometimes they really do need our guidance. Not the controlling/imposing type of "guidance", but the gentle, open type of encouragement. Especially as fathers, our love can often be detached, and some children will feel unsupported because of this. (Not sure if this is you, but your comment sounded kinda serious, hence my point.) It's one thing to teach them our values (which is another way of imposing our worldview, to be honest), it's another to give them the love they need. :)
• lampshades 4y ago
  I didn't get along with my parents for a very long time, starting during the time I was in middle school (or before? I don't know). I could list a thousand reasons why, with all of them blaming my parents, but in the end I have realized that life is just hard. My parents stuck together and raised me and they never abandoned me. While I had my share of troubles like anyone else, and for a long time it really affected me, I realize now it's all part of being human. I started getting along with my parents after I turned my life around in my late twenties. We talk more often now. During university we never talked. They probably wondered if I was even alive. Keep talking to your parents though. Make the effort. They won't be here forever. > I seem to be surrounded by peers with successful jobs and picture-perfect families. I understand this feeling. I have a massive chip on my shoulder about people who seem to have perfect lives. I tell myself that everyone fights hard battles, but I don't believe it.
• ALittleLight 4y ago
  I read something once, along the lines of "When I left home my father was so ignorant I couldn't stand to be around him. A few years later, I was surprised at how much the old boy had learned." Something like that. Basically - being out on my own, getting married, and having children let me understand my father much better.
  • gamechangr 4y ago
    That's Mark Twain. Here's the quote: When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
• watersb 4y ago
  They've recently passed on, but I'm pretty dang old, so it's ok. My relationship with my mom was really strained, during my transition from living at home to college. Improved dramatically soon after.
• tsol 4y ago
  Love 'em. Jannah is under your mother's feet
• bluefirebrand 4y ago
  My parents were quite distant and unavailable growing up, too busy leading their own lives to be a big part of mine. I didn't have many friends either, so I was pretty depressed as a teen. My dad was really hard on me about "my attitude". Yeah, I was kind of a snot, but I wasn't out drinking or getting high, or being brought home by the cops or anything. I mostly just wanted to stay home and be online. I was still living at home in university and got caught in the crossfire of their really messy divorce. I wound up not talking with my mom for years after. I stayed living with my dad for a bit, moved out with roommates for a bit, moved back in with my dad. While I was living with roommates I started talking with my mom again, and a bit after moving back in with my dad I left again and moved in with my mom. During all of this, I was failing classes. I wound up taking six years to do a four year CompSci degree and moved to a new city as soon as I found a programming job elsewhere. Took another 5 years (and another move to an even further away city) to slowly get out of my depression after that. I'm mostly ok with my parents now. Call them every couple of weeks or so to chat for a while. Visit once in a while. The relationship is much healthier at a longer distance. I could blame them for a lot of crap during my university years. My mental health was a dumpster. I did really poorly for a while there and it was a big struggle to finish my bachelors, but I'm glad I did in spite of every. I also think my mental health problems dragged on for years after, which really affected my job performance in my early career and held me back a lot. I've mostly righted the ship by now but it's been a long road.
• gamechangr 4y ago
  It sad to read some of these comments. People and even friends coming off as enlightened and/or allowing political differences to divide key relationships. Family used to mean more. I have like a six sense that it still does. Perhaps that's why so many developers are depressed and/or feel isolated. It's really hard to know as there are many dynamics. It would be interested if -- say you had a minor heart attack -- if family became suddenly more important?
• beardyw 4y ago
  There is much wisdom in Philip Larkin's "This be the Verse" https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-ver... though I disagree with the conclusion.
• BlameKaneda 4y ago
  My mom was the breadwinner for much of my primary and secondary school years, so when she got laid off from her job she took it as an early retirement. It was bizarre seeing her during the week and the daylight hours, when I was used to seeing her in the evenings and the weekends for years. We have a good relationship. My dad has some of the worst self-esteem I've ever come across, and he's also rife with anxiety. I have a hunch that he has un-diagnosed Aspergers, which would explain the countless examples of him missing social cues, saying things that are really off-color, seeing many situations as black and white, and seemingly having a lack of empathy when it comes to certain things that I've experienced first-hand. Do I love him? I guess, but over the years I've had to keep my distance from him.
• t-3 4y ago
  I don't like my parents and they are unhappy with me, but we aren't dramatic people so it's no problem. I used to be angry about my childhood, but as an adult I can understand how hard parenting is and don't hate them anymore.