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The key bit here is communication: An adult communicates their rationale for a given situation while also acknowledging that the rationale may not be shared by

The key bit here is communication: An adult communicates their rationale for a given situation while also acknowledging that the rationale may not be shared by others. In the old days we called it sticking to your principles. For the dinner party, it’s perfectly okay to be late if the lateness is communicated ahead of time to the host and the reason is a valid one. “Afraid to meet you on my own” is not a valid reason. Canceling or ghosting is not a valid reason period.

irrational 5y ago
> “Afraid to meet you on my own” is not a valid reason. Why is that not a valid reason?
- em-bee 5y ago
  it's a valid reason for yourself, but it's a reason that is difficult to communicate.
- Dylan16807 5y ago
  If it's a legitimate fear, it's not really compatible with "dinner party". If it's just anxiety, then it's valid to feel but is not a valid reason for doing much of anything.
  - bumby 5y ago
    While an apt distinction, I think it's important to acknowledge that one's body and subconscious often cannot distinguish between "anxiety" and "fear" even though our higher level faculties may.
    - Dylan16807 5y ago
      Either way it's a bad reason to show up late. If the fear is more legitimate, you shouldn't go at all. If the fear is less legitimate, you should ignore it.
      - bumby 5y ago
        I agree, but it often takes a lot of training and experience to truly know the difference when both both fear and anxiety feel the same physiologically.
        Dylan16807 5y ago
        That's true but as far as I can tell it's irrelevant to my point. Is there a reason you're replying to say it a second time?
        bumby 5y ago
        Because it is relevant and you seem to not have made the connection? More importantly, it's not a comment just to you, but for anyone who may struggle managing their anxiety. I thought it would be helpful to explain further. I’ll try one more time. If a person has the same physiological reaction, they often can’t tell one from the other. You can’t “just ignore it” if it provides the same subjective experience without having the skill set to acknowledge the distinction. A person public speaking and a person standing on the ledge of a cliff may have the same physiological response, despite one being anxiety and the other being fear. The problem is our decisions may be rooted in our lower brain faculties which can't tell the difference. It doesn’t justify reacting to anxiety (which seems to be what you're hung up on), but helps explain why it happens and why it’s so hard to change.
        croon 5y ago
        Not GP, but I think the point being made is that regardless of your ability to distinguish between the two, you still need to act according to one of the two, with less weight given to which it ends up being. Showing up late means you avoided making a decision, to the detriment of both others as well as yourself. So pick one now, and maybe next time figure out if that was what you were feeling or not.
        bumby 5y ago
fluoridation 5y ago
I thought "sticking to your principles" meant that you persisted in your course of action or thought convinced that it was the best one, despite other people's objections.
- pbohun 5y ago
  I think a better way of explaining "sticking to your principles" is to not succumb to temptation or social pressure to do something wrong.
danuker 5y ago
> “Afraid to meet you on my own” is not a valid reason. Sure it is. Maybe you're about to meet an ex who used to beat you.
- dwaltrip 5y ago
  One shouldn't attend such an event.
  - tfigment 5y ago
    Unless its necessary like custody exchange of children or similar required event.
    - dwaltrip 5y ago
      Yes, sure. But we were talking about social events.
- glitchc 5y ago
  This is outside the context of the example though. Here the author has accepted an invitation to a dinner party where she's meeting the hosts for the very first time. I think part of becoming an adult is mastering, or at least masking, social anxiety of participating in new interactions. That's because there's no way to know whether you will like or dislike the other person until you actually talk to them. Only kids throw tantrums and back out because they're too shy or too immature. Adults don't have that luxury. That's the thrust of the author's position.
  - em-bee 5y ago
    right, but the thing is that the situation has changed. if i am invited to a party where i don't know anyone except the one person that invited me and then that very person has to cancel at the last minute, i might consider not to go. it has been said elsewhere in this thread it depends on whether this is an opportunity for me to grow or not and whether that benefit outweighs the cost.
watwut 5y ago
Imo, real adulthood is to recognize that adults communicate in variety of ways. Real world adults are not and never were perfectly communicating non-emotional beings.
- glitchc 5y ago
  It doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be tried. Adults make an attempt to communicate, especially in social settings.
  - watwut 5y ago
    I mean, realistically, many of them don't. For many different reasons, like being socialized to not make them. Or, having own mental health or emotional issues that make it hard. Or because, they know the consequences for it in the social group they are in.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

irrational 5y ago

> “Afraid to meet you on my own” is not a valid reason. Why is that not a valid reason?

em-bee 5y ago
it's a valid reason for yourself, but it's a reason that is difficult to communicate.
Dylan16807 5y ago
If it's a legitimate fear, it's not really compatible with "dinner party". If it's just anxiety, then it's valid to feel but is not a valid reason for doing much of anything.
- bumby 5y ago
  While an apt distinction, I think it's important to acknowledge that one's body and subconscious often cannot distinguish between "anxiety" and "fear" even though our higher level faculties may.
  - Dylan16807 5y ago
    Either way it's a bad reason to show up late. If the fear is more legitimate, you shouldn't go at all. If the fear is less legitimate, you should ignore it.
    - bumby 5y ago
      I agree, but it often takes a lot of training and experience to truly know the difference when both both fear and anxiety feel the same physiologically.
      - Dylan16807 5y ago
        That's true but as far as I can tell it's irrelevant to my point. Is there a reason you're replying to say it a second time?
        bumby 5y ago
        Because it is relevant and you seem to not have made the connection? More importantly, it's not a comment just to you, but for anyone who may struggle managing their anxiety. I thought it would be helpful to explain further. I’ll try one more time. If a person has the same physiological reaction, they often can’t tell one from the other. You can’t “just ignore it” if it provides the same subjective experience without having the skill set to acknowledge the distinction. A person public speaking and a person standing on the ledge of a cliff may have the same physiological response, despite one being anxiety and the other being fear. The problem is our decisions may be rooted in our lower brain faculties which can't tell the difference. It doesn’t justify reacting to anxiety (which seems to be what you're hung up on), but helps explain why it happens and why it’s so hard to change.
        croon 5y ago
        Not GP, but I think the point being made is that regardless of your ability to distinguish between the two, you still need to act according to one of the two, with less weight given to which it ends up being. Showing up late means you avoided making a decision, to the detriment of both others as well as yourself. So pick one now, and maybe next time figure out if that was what you were feeling or not.
        bumby 5y ago

fluoridation 5y ago

I thought "sticking to your principles" meant that you persisted in your course of action or thought convinced that it was the best one, despite other people's objections.

pbohun 5y ago
I think a better way of explaining "sticking to your principles" is to not succumb to temptation or social pressure to do something wrong.

danuker 5y ago

> “Afraid to meet you on my own” is not a valid reason. Sure it is. Maybe you're about to meet an ex who used to beat you.

dwaltrip 5y ago
One shouldn't attend such an event.
- tfigment 5y ago
  Unless its necessary like custody exchange of children or similar required event.
  - dwaltrip 5y ago
    Yes, sure. But we were talking about social events.
glitchc 5y ago
This is outside the context of the example though. Here the author has accepted an invitation to a dinner party where she's meeting the hosts for the very first time. I think part of becoming an adult is mastering, or at least masking, social anxiety of participating in new interactions. That's because there's no way to know whether you will like or dislike the other person until you actually talk to them. Only kids throw tantrums and back out because they're too shy or too immature. Adults don't have that luxury. That's the thrust of the author's position.
- em-bee 5y ago
  right, but the thing is that the situation has changed. if i am invited to a party where i don't know anyone except the one person that invited me and then that very person has to cancel at the last minute, i might consider not to go. it has been said elsewhere in this thread it depends on whether this is an opportunity for me to grow or not and whether that benefit outweighs the cost.

watwut 5y ago

Imo, real adulthood is to recognize that adults communicate in variety of ways. Real world adults are not and never were perfectly communicating non-emotional beings.

glitchc 5y ago
It doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be tried. Adults make an attempt to communicate, especially in social settings.
- watwut 5y ago
  I mean, realistically, many of them don't. For many different reasons, like being socialized to not make them. Or, having own mental health or emotional issues that make it hard. Or because, they know the consequences for it in the social group they are in.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]