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> No. You do not. You CANNOT. It is profoundly insulting and diminishing to claim you do. Or maybe instead assume that someone is trying to comfort and empathi

> No. You do not. You CANNOT. It is profoundly insulting and diminishing to claim you do. Or maybe instead assume that someone is trying to comfort and empathize with you by relating? Not everyone says the perfect thing at the perfect time, so cut people some slack who are genuinely trying to help.

smeej 5y ago
It is not incumbent upon the person who is grieving to take care of the sensitivities of the well-meaning people who don't know when to keep their mouths shut. I'm commenting on an internet forum, devoid of any direct, personal grief being expressed, for the sake of telling people that this thing they want to say because they think it will help actually has the opposite effect. If you actually love a grieving person AT ALL, don't say this to them. Don't. It's up there with "All things happen for a reason," or, "God always has a plan," on the list of things that, in the abstract, sound like they should make someone feel better, but in the actual moment, make the grieving person want to strangle you and tell you to get your insensitive self the heck away from them. If you want to make yourself feel better by spouting off some meaningless throw-pillow platitude, fine. Admit that that's what you're doing, but then question whether this is actually the right time and place and person to take care of your needs. But if you ACTUALLY want to help the grieving person, just strike this empty garbage from your plans.
- GavinMcG 5y ago
  Both of you are right. It's not incumbent on someone grieving to be gracious, and yet choosing grace is better than choosing to react with anger or hurt.
  - smeej 5y ago
    If you think you get to choose in moments like this, you've had no experience with overwhelming grief. You get to breathe. Usually. If you remind yourself, or someone reminds you. You do not get to be magnanimous about the insensitivity of people who can't even bear looking at your pain and think there's something they can say that will make it go away.
    - GavinMcG 5y ago
      You're making the point that someone else's experience can't possibly match yours: that's why they shouldn't claim to understand what you're going through. The reverse is also true. Don't assume so casually that your experience is the only valid one.
  - lanstin 5y ago
    One of the characteristics of grief is that it is a reaction which is not chosen, it is events over powering a persons regulatory abilities.
fragmede 5y ago
You're not wrong, and the attempts are appreciated, but grief just hurts. so. fucking. much. It is, even among friends who also lost the same person, so isolating and lonely, that there is no solace, no comfort, only guilt and shame, anger and hurt. With time there's space for more than those four things but in the moment (which may last years); in that moment, there's no space for anything else but grief.

smeej 5y ago

It is not incumbent upon the person who is grieving to take care of the sensitivities of the well-meaning people who don't know when to keep their mouths shut. I'm commenting on an internet forum, devoid of any direct, personal grief being expressed, for the sake of telling people that this thing they want to say because they think it will help actually has the opposite effect. If you actually love a grieving person AT ALL, don't say this to them. Don't. It's up there with "All things happen for a reason," or, "God always has a plan," on the list of things that, in the abstract, sound like they should make someone feel better, but in the actual moment, make the grieving person want to strangle you and tell you to get your insensitive self the heck away from them. If you want to make yourself feel better by spouting off some meaningless throw-pillow platitude, fine. Admit that that's what you're doing, but then question whether this is actually the right time and place and person to take care of your needs. But if you ACTUALLY want to help the grieving person, just strike this empty garbage from your plans.

GavinMcG 5y ago
Both of you are right. It's not incumbent on someone grieving to be gracious, and yet choosing grace is better than choosing to react with anger or hurt.
- smeej 5y ago
  If you think you get to choose in moments like this, you've had no experience with overwhelming grief. You get to breathe. Usually. If you remind yourself, or someone reminds you. You do not get to be magnanimous about the insensitivity of people who can't even bear looking at your pain and think there's something they can say that will make it go away.
  - GavinMcG 5y ago
    You're making the point that someone else's experience can't possibly match yours: that's why they shouldn't claim to understand what you're going through. The reverse is also true. Don't assume so casually that your experience is the only valid one.
- lanstin 5y ago
  One of the characteristics of grief is that it is a reaction which is not chosen, it is events over powering a persons regulatory abilities.

fragmede 5y ago

You're not wrong, and the attempts are appreciated, but grief just hurts. so. fucking. much. It is, even among friends who also lost the same person, so isolating and lonely, that there is no solace, no comfort, only guilt and shame, anger and hurt. With time there's space for more than those four things but in the moment (which may last years); in that moment, there's no space for anything else but grief.